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How do I tell her

Was_Insane posted 3/2/2020 02:28 AM

This is a short version of my story. 10 years ago I had an affair and my wife decided to forgive and reconcile. It was a long few years, but things got better. About 6 years ago I cheated on her again. About three years ago I cheated on her again. Now Iím cheating on her again. She only knows about the affair that happened 10 years ago. I know the hurt and pain I caused 10 years ago. I wonít go into my why's. I donít know that I even understand them. 10 years ago she told me that was the only time she would reconcile. I know the difficulty and pain she will go through, but I need to confess to her. I know it will end my 26 year marriage. Iím lost! How do I do this? How do I tell her? How do I start the process that will cause such pain and destruction?

Machiavellia84 posted 3/2/2020 04:05 AM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:26 AM, March 2nd (Monday)]

Psalm51 posted 3/2/2020 08:31 AM

Rough. Regardless of how it happened, when it happened, how long ago and how many times...the answer will be the same for all Waywards...just tell. Straight up confession...all of it. You can't prepare...and your BS will not be prepared. But you owe it to her, regardless of the outcome.

TiredSoul2017 posted 3/2/2020 14:54 PM

You owe her the truth. This will most likely devastate her.

Why now? Just curious. do you want the marriage? Are you looking for an out?

TiredSoul2017 posted 3/2/2020 14:56 PM

sorry I didn't really answer your question but you need to tell her everything. And by the sounds of it she is going to leave you and rightfully so.

but my question remains. why now? is your conscience eating at you or is this a way to get out of your marriage.

Was_Insane posted 3/3/2020 00:10 AM

Why now??? I donít know if I know that answer. My conscience hurts. Iím tired of the cycle. I get tired of not feeling loved and wanted. She has no passion for me. Not since the first year of our marriage. Even before my infidelity. I KNOW that is not an excuse to cheat. And yes I have spent years showing her love and passion. Being everything to her and for her. She has always refused counseling and shuts me down when I try talking about our relationship, insisting that Iím the one with the problem. Again, not an excuse to cheat. I know. Iím trying to explain my situation more thoroughly.

Iím tired of the cycle. After years of no passion I get frustrated and begin searching. I want the cycle to stop. I know I have control over that. I know it would have been better to end the marriage instead of seeking fulfillment outside and causing pain, but here I am. I know I can swallow my needs and put a smile on and make her happy. Iíve done that for years. Iím good at that. I donít know if Iím now just looking for a way out by telling her, which would cause her to rid herself of me. I just know Iím tired of being me and the cycle I go through. Iím tired of hating me.

I know Iíve fallen in love with my current. I donít know if that is real. Right now I know that I could be happy with my current. I know the grass isnít always greener. I know my current makes me feel loved and wanted and everything Iíve always missed. I know I once felt that way with my BS.

I still donít yet know if Iíll tell my BS about anything. Sheís happy as ever right now. Maybe Iíll just break off my current and recommit myself to her and damn myself to hell!!

MrCleanSlate posted 3/3/2020 14:28 PM

You really think your BW is clueless?

You're not trying to save her, it sounds to me more like you are too chickenshit to own up to who you are and do your BW the favour and leave.

So you are in love with your affair partner and want to live the rest of your life,etc. So do it.

There is 'no breaking off your current' and living happily ever after - as you are the one that is broken. You'll do it again.

MrsWalloped posted 3/4/2020 05:36 AM

I still donít yet know if Iíll tell my BS about anything. Sheís happy as ever right now. Maybe Iíll just break off my current and recommit myself to her and damn myself to hell!!

No, you would be damaging her to a marriage in hell. Youíve cheated 3 times since the first one. She deserves to k ow the truth about you and her marriage.

Your post is all about you. First you are saying how you want to tell her because of your conscience, then itís because you love the AP and how she makes you feel, then in the very same post itís maybe you wonít say anything and youíll keep her in the dark. There is nothing in there about your wife.

Just tell her and let her make a decision about her own life instead of you controlling her and making it for her.

BraveSirRobin posted 3/4/2020 06:59 AM

Just tell her. I could write a long and complicated response, but it would come down to that. You don't think you have a real marriage. Your resentment made you believe you were entitled to cheat. You say you're in love with someone else. So find the guts to end this farce and tell your wife the truth. Then she can move on to an authentic life, and you can decide what to do with yours.

hikingout posted 3/4/2020 08:54 AM

Why be married? Why isn't divorce an option? You are not really giving her a marriage anyway, and you can't seem to sequester your needs, and she is not going to change in how she meets them.

In all honesty, I personally think that's all a bunch of hooey. We don't cheat because of our marriages. We cheat because we have flaws in our character. You keep trying to fix "the relationship", but until you work on yourself you will be in the same relationship. You will always be repeating that relationship.

I think you need to go to IC. You need to get your true whys. And, you do need to tell your wife.

Zugzwang posted 3/5/2020 16:42 PM

Ask yourself why you need people so badly to make you feel worthy that you are willing to cause people pain over it.

The marriage isn't the problem and neither is your wife. You are. You are the one that brought dysfunction into the marriage by cheating. You are the one that will not leave it. You can't possibly be giving your all to your wife if you have cheated 4 times. Each time you cheated...you disconnected from your wife. I am sure she felt it, if you felt it.

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