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Things you've lost but don't miss

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ShatteredSakura posted 2/29/2020 01:30 AM

I've been thinking about this for a bit. I post a lot and see others post a lot of what they miss about their WS or the relationship. And I do miss a lot about her. What are the pet peeves you DON'T miss? The little annoyances that we tolerated because we loved our partners, stuff that wasn't even red flags, just personality quirks. Although I'm sure many are red flags.

For me (roughly in order):

- Her neediness. Thinking back to the Saturday mornings where I'd hear "I'm huuuunggrrry, make me something" in her (not) cutesy voice literally raises the hair on the back of my neck. She relied on me for so much, and expected a lot. I wish she could have been more independent and take care of herself. This was less a pet peeve in general and more of a red flag. Although if you came up to me IRL and did a cutsey "I'm huuungrrry" I might just smack you...

- Her FOMO. I feel like during her affair, her Fear Of Missing Out got out of control. It's like she couldn't chillax...what other people were doing became very important. Quarter life crisis?

- The Driving. If you're familiar with my posts, I complain a lot about her not driving. It is really nice not having to go and fetch her. REALLY nice. I find I hate long drives now, mostly because where my mind wanders off to.

- The Hair. She has absolutely gorgeous long hair that curls a bit, I loved that about her. But Dear GOD! She was a drain clogging nightmare! I don't know if that was unique about her or not...but it was exacerbated by her neglect of actually clearing the bathtub drain of any built up hair. Often the tub wouldn't drain fully after she'd shower and then would get all soap scummy...and guess who cleaned it? Reaching down to grab the hair from the drain was too much to ask!! I nagged her a lot about that, it was almost always ignored.

- The Caviar. (The salmon red caviar, not the super expensive black one!). She's Russian descent and her family eats a lot of caviar, even in the mornings. Kissing her afterwards was . Funny story though, our first kiss was something awful. She didn't tell me she had just eaten some caviar+avocado+bread. I thought an animal died in her mouth and was wondering WTF was going on. The 2nd kiss ever was a lot better, which was great relief at the time.

- The Woman Could Not Throw Away Trash Even With A Trash Receptacle One Foot Away, Directly Under The Counter. I'd routinely find all sorts of trash sitting on the counters that you could literally sweep right into the trash bag. I'm no Felix Unger, but c'mon!

- The indecision. Sometimes this was just her being cute, but sometimes it was a pet peeve.

"Im huuungrry"
"What do you want to eat?"
"Food..."

She was an incredibly indecisive person about what to do/what she wanted. Sometimes this played to her advantage in board games where she caused people to be gripped with insanity in how long her turns took (she won A LOT). In the video game Civilization, she literally could take minutes in the first few turns where you literally have no units or decisions to make other than a narrow few! lol

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 1:41 AM, February 29th (Saturday)]

Incarnate posted 2/29/2020 02:10 AM

Holy cow, SO many of those tings were like they were said about my STBXW. Specifically the drain clogging, the indecision, and the OMG THrOWING STUFF AWAY

I would do the dishes, and I'm pulling paper plates, plastic forks, pizza boxes, meat packaging, and so much more out of the sink before I could even get started... and there was LITERALLY a trash can 2 feet away. If she was at the stove, she would only have to pivot RIGHT instead of LEFT to throw it away, but NO, she tossed it in the sink.

WHAT the HELL. Her nightstand would be BURIED in garbage, while the wastebasket was empty next to it. The bathroom sink was covered in makeup boxes and containers... and the bathroom waste bin was empty.

When she cleans the house (rarely), she just sweeps everything into a pile... and walks away. Trash can is empty. I have to scoop it all up on my days to clean the house and throw it away because it just gets kicked back around the room by the kids, who have unfortunately picked up most of her bad cleaning habits.

ENDLESS vampire/supernatural/hyper drama romance series. True Blood. Vampire Diaries. The Magicians. Etc, etc, etc, over and over and over. She's seen it a billion times, but it's more important to her than I was. Don't talk to her, Ian Somerhaulder was being a sexy asshole on the screen.

Seeing nothing but the back of her phone. Ever. EVER. Meals, conversations, outings, holidays, always her texting or messaging or facebooking or tweeting or instagramming, whatever. Now, the people I spend time with *gasp* actually spend time with me! I've had more conversations in the last six months than I have in the last six years.

I have space to lay down on my bed now. I don't have to contend with her nightly pillow fort that takes up 75% of the bed. A body pillow on either side, three queen pillows at her head and shoulders, and five or six throw pillows arranged strategically to build a wall between us. Now I get to sprawl out and not wake up with cramps from trying to squeeze my 270lb barrel chested body into a 16 inch section of mattress. I'm not morbidly obese, but I need some space to exist.

I listen to the music I want to listen to while driving now. It's nice.

I watch what shows I want to watch.

I play the games I want to play.

I wear the scents I want to wear now. I ADORE the smell of sandalwood, mahogany, amber, cedar, pine, etc. I love the smell of nag champa incense. Now, I can wear the lotions, use the soaps and deoderants, and burn the incense that I want, as opposed to having to run everything by her so that she didn't get 'turned off' by the smell. I hope it DOES turn her off. She needs a hard reboot anyways.

ShatteredSakura posted 2/29/2020 02:21 AM

Seeing nothing but the back of her phone. Ever. EVER. Meals, conversations, outings, holidays, always her texting or messaging or facebooking or tweeting or instagramming, whatever. Now, the people I spend time with *gasp* actually spend time with me! I've had more conversations in the last six months than I have in the last six years.

Oh yeah, whenever she would take out her phone while I was talking to her, instant dread. That was more because of the infidelity though.

WHAT the HELL. Her nightstand would be BURIED in garbage, while the wastebasket was empty next to it. The bathroom sink was covered in makeup boxes and containers... and the bathroom waste bin was empty.

She didn't wear makeup, but her bathroom sink was covered in a thick layer of gunk. And her nightstand was buried too. I refused to clean some of these areas on principle and she just lived with it. It was kinda nice cleaning her bathroom after she left, it looked so great!

skeetermooch posted 2/29/2020 02:55 AM

1. News junkie - Tv or Youtube for hours.
2. No schedule - somedays he went to work at 9, other days noon, other days not at all. Made it impossible for me to keep my routine because I work from home. Mostly he'd fuck around for hours in the morning watching tv or cruising the internet.
3. Since he was constantly wasting time (and cutting out of work for hookers), evenings and weekends he played catchup so, no time for house stuff or spending time together.
4. Wouldn't bathe all weekend nor consistently brush his teeth.
5. The thermostat wars - he kept the house frigid but pouted and complained when I wore a sweater or pajamas because it was freezing.
7. Snoring.
8. Couldn't remember to do his one chore (take out the trash) but bit my head off if I reminded him or did it myself when he forgot.
9. Constant criticism of my friends and jealousy towards all men I came into contact with - colleagues, kid's dad, handyman, neighbors.
10. Financial irresponsibility - never had money for car repair, house repair, weekend getaway, furniture or appliances.
11. Interference with parenting my son.
12. Cleaning up his urine every day because he couldn't aim.
12. The constant anxiety he caused with his lying, inconstancies, weird hours, going MIA, etc. (because unbeknownst to me he was out cheating)

hopefullife posted 2/29/2020 03:34 AM

LMAO on that gif of The Notebook. What, it's hard to decide on food sometimes when you literally want everything! :P


I don't have much as the things I hated mostly happened after the infidelity. A few of the things I lost but not miss that aren't infidelity related:
- The anxiety of worrying about what gets served on the table cause I can now freakin eat whatever I want. I particularly love seafood and he's allergic to most. Bleh. I could only eat them when dining alone and even then I'd worry after cause if I forgot and kissed him he'd suffocate to death
- Waiting for him to watch a show cause we've always watched together. Glad the shows we follow are now over. New shows to binge watch and I don't have to wait for him anymore
- Waiting and expecting him to arrive at the time he says so. Gone gone gone
- Declining invitations from friends because it's a weekend and weekends were the only times we had each other for full days

ShatteredSakura posted 2/29/2020 07:37 AM

LMAO on that gif of The Notebook. What, it's hard to decide on food sometimes when you literally want everything! :P

I do hear that as a common complaint from men . Sometimes it was endearing, which is why it's low on the list. I can be indecisive too.

if I forgot and kissed him he'd suffocate to death

This isn't that far off from my experience with her caviar! I am glad though that neither of us have any food allergies. Although sometimes she could be snooty about the food quality..."why powdered mashed potatoes? Fresh mashed potatoes from scratch is so much better!"....yeah and who has to peel, boil, and mash them darling?...she'd like from scratch meals but not do them herself or help me out.

Waiting and expecting him to arrive at the time he says so. Gone gone gone

This goes hand in hand with the driving I listed, but the anxiety of waiting for her to text me when I should go out and fetch her (and the nights of worrying where she is and she doesn't come back until much later than originally said or not at all!). I am so glad those times are gone. Replaced with maybe other anxiety perhaps...


@skeetermooch, wow. Some of that is TMI! Hehe. I fell in love with a slob, so you can imagine some of the day to day details that I thought were TMI to share. She was my slob though

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 8:14 AM, February 29th (Saturday)]

Justsomeguy posted 2/29/2020 10:47 AM

This thread makes me howl! Thank you!!!!

I will not miss the epic laziness and entitlement. As a background, I grew up in a single parent home with a European mother who was so organized, she could have run a war. As a result, I was used to strong, independant women. My STBXWW was neither of these.

So now that she threw me under the bus, I love to find out how shitty things are. The dishes are not done, house not cleaned, walk not shoveled, clothes not put away...you get the idea. I think that she used to think things magically got one I tried to explain that the reason the drive was cleared in the morning was because I checked the weather the night before and got up an hour early. She says her sleep is important to her. I would get up and clean the kitchen before I made my coffee, breakfast, and packed lunches...she said her sleep was important. Well, sleep away princess...hahaha

Bye the way, I'm doing juuuuuussssst fine.

inconnu posted 2/29/2020 10:52 AM

It wasn't really a loss, but the first thing I noticed was that I didn't have to do ever again plan meals around ex's food allergies. Seriously, I was in the middle of the grocery store and realized I could cook anything I wanted that used soy sauce or teriyaki sauce, and let me tell you, those bottles leaped into my cart.

[This message edited by inconnu at 10:52 AM, February 29th (Saturday)]

ShatteredSakura posted 2/29/2020 11:01 AM

I will not miss the epic laziness and entitlement. As a background, I grew up in a single parent home with a European mother who was so organized, she could have run a war. As a result, I was used to strong, independant women. My STBXWW was neither of these.

Oh this reminds me, because I was only thinking about WW. I lost her Mother, and I am glad.

Her mother wasn't born in the US, but she wasn't the "so organized, she could have run a war" her house is a disorganized mess. She micro-manages her children (or at least tried with WW, she was successful with her son) and is a domineering personality. If you don't do it her way, you're doing it wrong. And ontop of it she's a very negative, bitter/angry woman. I blame most of WW's quirks when it comes to chores on how her mother is.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 11:06 AM, February 29th (Saturday)]

eehamlet posted 2/29/2020 11:19 AM

This was a great topic to get a smile from. I became a BH 39 years ago. Met my now wife 38 years ago.

What did I lose that I don't miss from the old WW? I really don't remember any little habits she had that made me feel like she ran her fingernails down a chalkboard. Day to day she was OK. Of course betraying me and wrecking the marriage more than made up for it.

Funny thing is that my wife does quite a few of the things mentioned on this thread. And you know what - I'm going to smile the next time she does one because of how much better life is with a trustworthy and worthy soul mate. Definitely worth cleaning up a little trash two feet from the trash bin.

EllieKMAS posted 2/29/2020 12:52 PM

OMG what a great topic!! I want to say there was one like it about 6 months ago, but never a bad thing to remember all the shit so I can look around now and like where I'm at.

-Watching stupid engine videos and redneck car fixing videos on YouTube.

-Not having control over my remote. If I wanted to watch something he didn't like, I would have to deal with him huffing and glaring out of the corner of his eye at me.

-Not having my bed made. That was literally the ONLY chore I asked him to do. The only one. And more days than not, I'd come home after having gotten up at 4:30, worked all day, and driven home, cooked dinner and did all the dishes, to finally go up to take a shower and the fucking bed would be unmade. Drove me crazy, but don't say anything because then I'm 'berating' him and 'unmanning' him. Yep my bed has been made EVERY DAY since July 29 last year - makes me happy every fucking day when I go up and see it!

-I didn't realize how stressed he made me just dealing with all the bullshit even before the A with his laziness, lack of give a shit about me, his health issues, etc. Even with my current financial stresses etc, I am WAY less stressed now than I was when I was with him.

-Having to do all the working, all the cleaning, all the cooking, etc and also make all the plans for social activities and outings and such because he wouldn't do any of that. I didn't realize until he was gone how fucking TIRED doing for him made me. And how little he actually ever did for me.

When I do have sad days, which I do still sometimes, it's remembering these things that helps. Because not having him has made my life so much more peaceful, and more calm, and less stressful. And because the truth is what I miss is the idea in my head I had of what I thought my M would be. I definitely don't miss that reality. I sometimes look at those last couple years we were together and wonder WTF I was even thinking about it was in any way ok...

Phantasmagoria posted 2/29/2020 13:52 PM

I thought an animal died in her mouth and was wondering WTF was going on.

hopefullife posted 2/29/2020 15:58 PM

I used to watch my back when I sleep (my subconscious must have been telling me about it all this time). I need to have a pillow, back on the wall, him, anything to cover my back. When we separated, I lost that fear.. like literally. I can sleep with my back wide open for anyone to stab. It's like I suddenly lost my fear of monsters when I already faced the demon

ShatteredSakura posted 2/29/2020 18:07 PM

@hopeful, that's an odd little quirk lol. Maybe it really was your subconscious.

Not having control over my remote. If I wanted to watch something he didn't like, I would have to deal with him huffing and glaring out of the corner of his eye at me.

WW liked to say that I picked a lot of what we watched. In truth I just turn the TV on to whatever while I cook or eat. I'm not married to the channel or we don't have to stay and watch. I've told her this.

If WW didn't want to watch something, she would sometimes demand I just turn off the TV. She didn't want to go to a different room because she wanted to be next to me. Sometimes she'd be watching a YouTube video (not redneck mechanics but Korean skin care lol). We have one TV in the house, I can't go to another room to watch it and so I might just be literally sitting there with her face in her phone and if I leave I'd get "why are you leaving??!".

Stuff like that bugs me because the hypocrisy. She complained I was controlling and look what she does.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 6:09 PM, February 29th (Saturday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 2/29/2020 18:19 PM

My WW was a lazy bitch. Literally was the worst cook, and its b/c her mom never cooked. Just take out fast food all the time. That why she was a chubby middle schooler and freshman. It didn't help her self esteem.

- Shit left out, yup, her clothes would be at the foot of our bed. I'd have to give her shit to clean it up.

But the best thing I lost was her Mom and Brother. Her brother was a lazy ass, cheap motherfucker. Who always had money for his beer, but never enough to chip in for shit. Had money for new guitars, and star wars shit, but paying extra for mom or dads shit, no way. I always had to pay extra for vacations, meals, yup, it was up to me, the Son in law.

Her mom got foreclosed on after her divorce and she had to go into rehab for drug addiction. When she left rehab and didn't have a place to stay, guess who bought her a condo? Yup, me. And to prove that no good deed goes unpunished, of course her mom says that she met her AP and he's a nice guy. After I fucken bought her a place to live after coming out of rehab. That's how fucked up her family is. I'm so glad, I lost them in this whole mess. They were an anchor I didn't need to carry with me. Now she's gonna have to watch after her own shit family.

I'm out BITCH

ShatteredSakura posted 2/29/2020 19:33 PM

I've been disillusioned the family that you marry into ever really has your back or truly regard you as family, no matter what you do. Or at least it's rare. WW's mother encouraged her daughter to be with the AP.

hopefullife posted 2/29/2020 23:15 PM

His family while nice people had a seriously fucked up understanding of moral concepts. I'm not sure now if they ever loved me as a part of the family.

That said, maybe that's one thing I'm supposed to be glad too. I'm out of there.

ShatteredSakura posted 3/1/2020 00:09 AM

I wonder if some people have a laissez-faire attitude about it...boyfriends/girlfriends come and go, even husbands/wives. So their attitude is "these things happen", it isn't personal. Of course it is deeply personal.

Other than my prom date in HS, I only ever brought home one other woman to meet my parents other than my WW. Meanwhile I know a woman who dated our board game organizer, where in the last 5 years she must have dated ten different guys. And each one was "the one" until he wasn't. I can't imagine subjecting my parents to a parade like that lol.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 12:15 AM, March 1st (Sunday)]

J707 posted 3/1/2020 10:52 AM

Well let's here. Just this morning at 730am I dropped off DD12 at her moms new house (just moved yesterday) and to my surprise the lazy ex was up. She met her outside (this hasn't happened in 2 years). I helped my daughter get her bags and the Queen Bee trots out and says "Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr". She was always fucking cold. It was always Brrrrrr, Brrrrrr. No words from me, drop and go. Before when she would Brrrrrrr while I'm moving around and sweating I always wanted to say "Get your lazy ass up and move around and you'll warm up. Hahaha

-My house is clean now. It doesn't take much and I don't have a slob sitting around smoking weed all day long.

-Dude, Yep.... I'm Huuuungggryyyy! All the time! Yep, what do you want. I don't know. Don't miss it.

-Her stupid new rap fake music. I love 90's rap since I grew up with it but she can have her new bullshit rap.

-Laziness! Hey, I have my share of days where I don't do much, we all need some days like that. But 365 lazy days come on. Funny how she can muster up the energy to fuck around on the side Hahaha.

- Her travel mug with coffee. She would only drink a third of it in the morning. She put soo much sugar and creamer in it by the end of the day it was like jello. Of course just puts it by the sink. Of course I would wash it. May sound stupid but yeah, I don't miss that.

- Cleaning the sink drain with all her hair in it. Fucking gross.

-Sleeping in til 1. I'd leave in the morning to do things with the kids because she would stay up so late (him wonder what she was doing or talking to in the wee hours). She'd give me shit for doing things with them. She didn't wake up and was lazy as fuck!!!!

-What should we do for dinner.... As dinners already half way done cooking.

All right I'll stop now. I can go on and on. Really I don't miss anything about her at this point of my journey. It feels good.

Lifeexploded posted 3/1/2020 11:07 AM

Loud chewing/smacking when eating.

Conversations went like this:
**ring**
Me: hello?
Him: whatcha doing?
Me: working
Him: oh ok. Blah blah blah blah
So disrespectful of my time. I work at home so he thought i could literally do everything while working.

Dismissive of others feelings and needs.

Condesending.

Washed the dishes once a week and then acted like he did all of the chores.

Griped at me to hurry up and get ready for bed but wouldnt help me with the bedtime routine.

This isnt huge but i am big with oral hygeine and he brushes his teeth for maybe 15 seconds and doesnt rinse his brush enough so there is this dried ring of toothpaste foam around the neck of his brush.

Nothing is EVER his fault.

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