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An update on N and I

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BluerThanBlue posted 7/24/2020 05:25 AM

LD, no one is telling you to hate N or that you should be over it by now. Weíre giving you advice on HOW to detach and set boundaries.

Thissucks5678 posted 7/24/2020 07:10 AM

LD, I hope you are doing ok today.

hikingout posted 7/24/2020 08:19 AM

Honey this breaks my heart. The fact you thought he showed up for you is exactly why we keep
Encouraging you to set some Boundaries for your own good.i identify with the idea that anger is not something O easily connect with. I instead forgive too quickly without taking my self respect into considerations. No one
Expects this to go perfectly or for you to be able to get over this quickly. But we want to encourage you to take this opportunity to get healthier and stronger within yourself.

You donít believe itís over because of the lack of boundaries. I do not want you to get blindsided when he starts seeing ither people. I also want for you to look at making yourself a priority, getting your self worth stronger before you eventually get in another relationship that has similar patterns. I know this is really hard- I married my high school sweetheart, when we were divorcing I hadnít even experienced a real break up.

You need to see these posts as us supporting you to see the next step rather than as us criticizing you. We all showed up to help you see why you should get angry enough to hold new boundaries. His interference of that just have you a false sense of hope, thatís why you felt it was possible for him to show up while you were signing the papers yesterday. N is not a bad person but he is too confused to rely on right now. You need to start looking at your life believing he isnít coming back. Itís scary, I know, when you arenít sure what your next chapter is going to look like. Please know we are only pushing you to see things in a way you will protect yourself better.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/24/2020 09:23 AM

I'm doing ok, and I was ok last night. After my IC, I went for a little run. Then I decided to tell my coworkers what's been going on with me, but I left out the reasons why we are divorcing.

I know he is not coming back, and I know we are not a couple anymore. I'm not giving myself any false hope. I'm honestly tired of my hopes being crushed.

The thought of seeing him with a new woman terrifies me. I have no idea how I will feel or what I will do. I actually brought that up to my IC yesterday, and she said in time we will work on how I will react then. I am also scared of being alone for the rest of my life. I will be a single mom in her late 30s who had an affair on her husband. Those aren't exactly great qualities a good man looks for. And then to share all about my life/history with a new person without scaring them off. That sounds exhausting and hard.

I can't let myself think about the future right now because I am just trying to get through each day without feeling like every negative thing I can think about myself.

Today I'm going to take our daughter to my dad's pool. Yesterday when she was with her dad, she swam under water for the first time. My dad and I have been begging her do that with us but she was always afraid. N sent me a video of it last night. We will get to see her be a little mermaid under water finally.

KingRat posted 7/24/2020 09:50 AM

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push or give you the impression that this is not very difficult. I do empathize with emotional toll and how incredibly hard it is to go through this. It truly is something that we must take one day at a time.

An anecdote from my personal life:

I broke up with my high school sweetheart in college. Afterwards, we continued to hook up for some time. I made it very clear that I had no intention in resuming the relationship, she said she understood. After one night, she freaked out on me and accused me of sending her mixed messages. My initial reaction was self-righteousness. How dare she accuse me manipulating her? She knew the score. I never coerced her or otherwise encouraged her to call me and come over.

But the next day I realized, it was me who was wrong. Yes, she knew the score. Yes, it was her who would reach out. But she really didn't want the crumbs I was offering. I reduced her to a booty call, and while she was a willing participant, she was only doing it because it was at least something that provided a ghostly relic of our dead relationship. Eventually, those emotions she was suppressing came bubbling to the surface.

The next day she apologized and asked to come over later that night. I told her she did not have to apologize and it was I who owed her an apology. I went on to explain why I was wrong and sorry for doing that to her. At that point, I put the kibosh on the hook ups, and in fact, told her it would be best we did not speak or see each other for a while. While it may have seemed cruel, it was the nicest thing I could have done for her.

We ran into each other a year or so later at a party. We talked, laughed, and otherwise had a good time in the boundaries of friendship. We didn't call each other or hang out, but we did converse when we would run into each other. I wasn't awkward or otherwise emotionally draining. It was what I would suspect most people would like feel being around an ex.

Like N, I was not intentionally being manipulative. I was also having a hard time walking away. But I realized that my actions had the effect of manipulating her because she was vulnerable due to her desire to want to resume the relationship. She was a willing participant but deep down, a hook up is not what she really wanted. She was only taking it because it was better than nothing.

It was hard. Very hard. But I had to make the decision to rip the bandage off and let the wound completely heal. I honestly believe if we did not, we would not be able to ever be friendly and/or civil if we ran into each other. She would have eventually grown to resent me, and rightfully so.

I don't want to compare it to you directly because I would imagine your situation to be much, much more difficult because of your longer history and child. I only shared this story because it was how I traversed my first breakup. I understand having a child is harder because there is necessary interaction to some extent. While you're not physically intimate; the discussions of your relationship are steeped in emotional intimacy. I was merely suggesting to try to avoid that trap--and it is very hard, I'm not minimizing the difficulty--in order for you to be able to heal so you can one day get to that point with N.

I wish you well and peace on your journey.

hikingout posted 7/24/2020 14:06 PM

I am sorry LD. It is so very hard. And of course this is how you feel right now. I promise you can come to a place of self compassion though, and as you do the work on yourself the story you tell a future partner will be coming from someone who has obviously done a lot of reflection and changing. Work on healing. I know that you are tired of holding hope for N, and that is both a hard place to be and a good place to be. Itís good because itís going to leave you in no other place but to have hope for yourself instead. Itís an important rebalancing that isnít going to happen overnight. I have solidly been working on it for a couple of years and some of it is still not where I know it needs to be. Your life is whatever you want it to be and whatever you make for it to be! You do have this! Glad you are in IC and have stayed here amongst us. You have grown so much since you have been here and there will be progress after you have had more time to grieve. Take good care of yourself and focus on self care. Glad to hear you went for a run these are outlets that saved me in the end.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/24/2020 19:07 PM

I've actually had a really good day so far. DD and I went to the pool at my dad's apartment complex, and she swam under water the whole time. She jumped off the edge, did cannonballs, flipped under water, and finally let me throw her in. She was like a little fish. The best part was when we held hands and jumped in together. Lol she tried to pull me back up. Each time I went under with her, she would pull me up and ask if I was ok.

When I got home, I went for another run. I started watching Cursed on Netflix, it's pretty good. I'll binge watch some more of that later.

Thumos posted 7/27/2020 17:04 PM

I found out her AP lived in an apartment adjacent to us before my daughter was born. He was also the maintenance man there.

If true, this seems like a rather substantial empirical fact that just conveniently got left on the cutting room floor of the WW narrative, so to speak.

A lot of silence here about this. Am I missing something?

I would be asking for a paternity test, too. Seems eminently reasonable ó regardless of divorce.

Also, if true, will be a reversal like at the end of the Empire Strikes Back that throws almost everything about the previous narrative into question.

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:11 PM, July 27th (Monday)]

Darkness Falls posted 7/27/2020 17:17 PM


As you might know, my H divorced me ten years ago after my A. VERY quickly he started dating my former BFFólike literally as soon as I moved outóI think they first had sex prior to the actual move-out but he had already told me he was divorcing me so the exact timeline is not relevant.

The point is, knowing they were dating hurt a lot. I saw a few pictures on Facebook and at the time it killed me; I deactivated the MFíer, it sucked so bad. So Iím not going to candy-coat the suck of seeing them move on. At the time you think youíll never get over it. But you totally will. Eventually it wonít bother you as much and then it wonít bother you at all and when the time is right youíll meet someone else, and then eventually youíll meet the right guy...and then youíll look back and wonder why it ever bothered you at all.

I know itís so hard right now but itís not forever.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 5:18 PM, July 27th (Monday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 7/27/2020 17:20 PM

If true, this seems like a rather substantial empirical fact that just conveniently got left on the cutting room floor of the WW narrative, so to speak.

A lot of silence here about this. Am I missing something?

I would be asking for a paternity test, too. Seems eminently reasonable ó regardless of divorce.

It wasn't a fact that was just conveniently left out. It was a fact that I, the WW, was unaware of. I never knew any of the people that lived around us except for the one couple that we became friends with.
There was no silence. I stated that I never knew. I told him that but he will never believe that because of what I did. I told him I would take a polygraph to prove that I am telling the truth, but it would be pointless to him.

He has the paternity test. I have no idea if he has done it yet or not. I'm not going to ask my daughter "did daddy stick a swab in your mouth?"

Thumos posted 7/27/2020 17:23 PM

Ok thanks for clarifying.

KingRat posted 7/27/2020 17:35 PM

A lot of silence here about this. Am I missing something?

I would be asking for a paternity test, too. Seems eminently reasonable ó regardless of divorce.

Is having doubts about the paternity after learning this fact reasonable? Yes.

However, from LD:

I told him I bought the paternity test for him shortly after D-Day, but he never used it.

Her original narrative stated she did not know him until after the time period when he lived at the apartment complex. I don't think that is a red flag that she intentionally omitted this fact. If you have a test and do not take it, it is unreasonable to continue to sit in agony or accuse someone of a fact that can easily be proven or disproven with a very, very high degree of certainty. Not saying N is doing this, just saying that is the factual situation both people agree on.

Lostgirl410 posted 7/31/2020 22:40 PM

LD, how are you doing?

LifeDestroyer posted 7/31/2020 22:50 PM

I have my ok days. Yesterday I went on a float trip with several ladies from work. It was really fun. Then these two newly married women would start talking about marriage and having kids, and I would go silent. My mind would drift into the past.

Today is a down day. I sat in my daughter's playroom holding her, holding back my tears, feeling like I ruined everything.

I miss him. I miss talking to him.

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