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An update on N and I

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thatwilldo posted 7/6/2020 16:12 PM

LifeDestroyer, I know things are tough right now, but IMO you continue to seek attention and validation with almost every post you make.

How about a little introspection about why you're this way. Incidents like the dead hen happen to all of us on a regular basis, but we don't bring it up in the WW section of SI. You are very needy. Why?

thatwilldo posted 7/6/2020 16:14 PM


LifeDestroyer posted 7/6/2020 16:15 PM

I've stated before thatwilldo that sometimes I use this as a journal, so I just write. I'm not asking for any validation or attention. This is my journaling. You are more than welcome to disregard the heart that pops on this thread if you would like.

thatwilldo posted 7/6/2020 19:28 PM


I didn't know that the heart meant Journaling. If that's what you're here for, I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/8/2020 12:55 PM

He will be signing the divorce papers tomorrow after work. Once it's filed, I will sign my parts. It can take a few months for a judge to grant the petition to dissolve our marriage.

I can't believe I brought him to this place. He has to file divorce papers because of my selfishness and because I was frozen in my actions. Thankfully, our daughter will be with him afterwards. Maybe they'll go to the pool or something fun.

hikingout posted 7/8/2020 13:19 PM

I will say a prayer for you tomorrow, LD. I hope this decision starts to heal you both and brings both of you a greater sense of peace. I know how bad it sucks right now though. What are YOU going to do afterwards?

LifeDestroyer posted 7/8/2020 13:26 PM

I'm not sure when I'll be signing. When he comes to get her tomorrow after signing, I'm not sure how we will be. I have a pretty good feeling that I will be crying once they're gone. I do have a telemed IC session tomorrow night, so I will be discussing all of what's going on.

hikingout posted 7/8/2020 13:49 PM

That's what I wanted to hear is you were going to have some support. Even if it's IC. Maybe you could be with your dad or a friend.

Lifeitself posted 7/8/2020 15:34 PM

It was expected LD. I know itís hard but Please try keep the good spirits up. Itís not the end, itís part of his healing process.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/9/2020 17:12 PM

I'm not even up for talking to my therapist. My session is in an hour. As soon as he left here, I just collapsed on the couch and cried. I can't even talk to him about what he must be feeling. I still want to be there for him.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/9/2020 20:48 PM

I had taken a break from SI because I was feeling myself getting upset and jealous of all the couples. I would read these stories of how so many of you are still with your BS. I know we shouldnít compare/compete stories, but I canít help it. I would read a post of a WW who had an affair for years, and yet her BH still stayed. I would read a post of a WW who had affairs with multiple people, and yet her BH stayed. I would read a post of a WW who had an affair and told her BH that she no longer loved him, and yet the BH still stayed. They stayed knowing the struggle that would take place, knowing the giant uphill battle they would be facing each day. It made me wonder why they were all worth it to their BH and I wasnít. Why was their marriage and life together worth it, but ours wasnít?

Iím not proud of that feeling, but itís also how I feel right now. I brought it up to my IC today. Just more stuff to add to my list of things to unpack and work on. All I do is sit in my sadness, disappointment, anger, hopelessness, and I don't see a happy life. My IC asked me if I have anything positive to look forward to, something that I know I can achieve. I said no. I don't even have school to look forward to since we still have no idea what will happen, but do know that it will not be anything that we are use to. We will have so many kids that won't get to really experience school with all the regulations that will be in place.

Tomorrow my IC will be dropping off some books for me to read about this next chapter in life. For now, I'm going to eat some ice cream and binge watch Friends.

CantBeMe123 posted 7/13/2020 13:05 PM

I was feeling myself getting upset and jealous of all the couples. It made me wonder why they were all worth it to their BH and I wasnít. Why was their marriage and life together worth it, but ours wasnít?

"I was feeling myself getting upset and jealous of all the couples whose spouses have not cheated on them. It makes me wonder why they were all worth it to their wives and I wasn't, why was their marriage and life together worth it, but ours wasn't?"

Not trying to be snarky, but your thought is basically the "WS version" of the thought that has haunted my brain for almost two years. I would bet my bank account N has had that though plenty too, to provide perspective and remind you of the circumstances that brought you here.

The answer to both sides of that painful, ugly, impossible thought is a phrase that gets thrown around ad nauseam around here: 'it wasn't about you'. Just like N didn't cause your cheating, you didn't cause N's unwillingness to reconcile.

My wife's affair is about as "mild" as it can possibly get it and still be a full-blown PA - it happened almost 15 years ago when we were 22/23 years old, we weren't married, and we have since had kids together and had been happily married for a decade when she confessed. Still, the reality of what she did has devastated me and amplified every other fault that I see in her, it invades every conflict that we have, it lurks in the background of all my thoughts, every day.

I am sure that many men would not be as devastated as I am, as haunted by it, as broken. But that's what makes me, me, and it's not about the "level" of my wife's affair or the work she's done since confessing to improve herself or help me heal. It's not a 'game' you can win by doing all the right things, and even if it was, the rules are different for every BS.

Let go of the outcome, and all that. Easier said that done, of course, and what do I know anyway? This forum is full of broken people with no real answers, myself included, all we have is sympathy and a different perspective, and no peace of advice is going to mend your broken heart as your husband divorces you, no matter how good it is. My best piece of advice is "don't have the affair", but that's about as useful at this point as "it's not about you". I know you're just venting anyway and not looking for any kind of solution, and I'm just venting back, I guess.

Anyway, I truly hope you find peace and happiness however your life unfolds.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/15/2020 17:10 PM

CantBeMe, vent away.

I have no idea what he has thought. He did say that I have nothing to be jealous of.

no peace of advice is going to mend your broken heart as your husband divorces you, no matter how good it is.

That is very true unfortunately. I know we both have to choose to be happy, but it's not easy. 17 years with someone is not something that can just go away.

Stinger posted 7/16/2020 06:24 AM

I think reading on this forum may have given you a distorted view on the likelihood of a marriage surviving. It is not as common as some of the pay for reconciliation sites promote. Divorce seems to be the natural consequence of cheating.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/16/2020 08:36 AM

Maybe SI has distorted my view because I have read about many more couples staying together than divorcing. Yes, some stay together and never actually work on the marriage, but lots do according to the comments on SI.

Again, I'm not proud of feeling jealous of those people. They are just words on a screen that could be real or not. I've always been more of an optimist, so I would like to think that the stories of reconciliation are true and that those people are happy again together.

hikingout posted 7/16/2020 08:49 AM

Your feelings are natural, LD. Your life has been coming apart you have every right to process any and all emotions about that, in fact I think it's positive not to ignore any of it. Many people would just start another relationship or form a different distraction so they could avoid the negative emotions.

Grief can be very rich soil.

I know it's hard not to compare your situation. But, this is a diverse site. We have all sorts of level of healthiness on the WS and BS sides. Different religious beliefs, different values, different experiences, different everything.

The good news is that you are in a place in your life that if you keep processing, you keep evaluating, you keep striving, what waits for you on the other side of this is going to be much better than you ever imagined. Hope is a scary thing to have in the midst of pain, and you may not have the ability yet to reach out to it. But, your best days lie ahead of you whether you want to believe that right now or not. You will get through this, and if you keep doing your work you will be as happy and peaceful on the other side of it as you ever wanted to be.

It's hard to see that for those of us who have gotten to certain aspects of healing - we would have come to that anyway. You don't have to R to heal.

I hope this helps. Keep posting and we'll keep being a lifeline. It's okay to grieve and to even feel sorry for yourself sometimes. Just don't stay in the feeling sorry for yourself part, keep pulling yourself out of that as much as you can. And keep struggling to find the things that propel you rather than hold you back.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/16/2020 09:02 AM

As a BS I only wanted to comment on the jealousy feeling and reading SI and tell you it does indeed go the other way. I stopped reading for awhile because I felt it was so unfair that I got stuck with the WS who didn't want to do the work - who put me though false R two separate times, only to tell me he wanted me gone because "I was not happy and he was tired of not being happy" like the reason for my unhappiness was some sort of mysterious problem that had taken me over, and not what he had done. It felt so unfair that this is what I got out of it, with all the BSs on here whose WS wanted to work it out, I got angry blame-me guy who wanted to lie to me and trick me until the unhappiness from it permeated every ounce of my being...and then he wanted me to get out immediately as I was just too hard for him to deal with.

It sucks - and it's also normal. I don't think SI is overrepresentative of any population - except that it is overrepresentative of the percentage of people who want to talk about infidelity in general. I think there are a lot more rug-sweepers out there then any of us imagine, both the WS and BS. I recently found out, almost 20 years after it happened, that one of my best friend's H had an affair at the beginning of their marriage. I had no idea. She had never said to me or to anyone, until it came up during a long pandemic-home-isolation phone call, in relation to my own situation.

The unfairness game always sucks, and for that, I am sorry you feel the way you do as it's pretty difficult sometimes. In that regard, you and I are in the same boat.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:03 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

Thissucks5678 posted 7/16/2020 09:14 AM

Life Destroyer, I donít want you to take this the wrong way at all. I like the fact that you are still here and working on yourself and I think thatís great.

I just want to talk to you like I would my own daughter. If something or someone is bringing more negativity to your life than positivity, than maybe itís time to rethink it. Iíve brought that up to her about friends, social media use, boys, etc.

I think the best thing you can do for you and your daughter is to work on your self esteem. Find out why you are the way you are, find some healthy hobbies and do them. Find your happiness without N. You guys have been together for a long time and divorce is terrible and Iím sorry that is your outcome.

For me, when dday hit as a bs, I was devasted. I can say this though, that even though divorce hasnít been in my cards and I am happy now - I will be just fine divorced. The best thing dday brought to my life is the ability to separate myself from my WH and find my own happiness. It is truly a blessing in disguise. I hope you can find that as well with your own status as a madhatter.

Please donít take this as me wanting you to leave, itís not that at all. I just want you to find inner peace and happiness.

LifeDestroyer posted 7/16/2020 09:50 AM

what waits for you on the other side of this is going to be much better than you ever imagined

While I'm sure that will be true, it's very hard to picture that right now. I'm definitely not trying to stay in the feeling sorry for myself part. I think I'm more in the feeling angry at myself part.

The unfairness game definitely sucks, and I know it sucks for all of those involved. N told me before that he wished I was one of those WS who just left with the AP or one who didn't want to stay and try.

If something or someone is bringing more negativity to your life than positivity, than maybe itís time to rethink it.

N would definitely agree. I'm pretty sure he has said those exact words to me when he has told me to let him go. Maybe I have some extreme blinders on, but I just can't see him like that.

With my family history, one would think that I would more accepting of divorce with our situation after seeing so much unhappiness. I begged my parents to get a divorce so many times because of their violent fights, but they stayed. They stayed because my dad was terrified of what my mom would do go him, my mom stayed because she had no confidence and for me. They never worked on their marriage. My mom was a huge rug sweeper and my dad was drunk all the time. My aunt should have left my uncle so many times, but she still stayed even after finding out what he did to me. My cousin talked so much shit about her husband, pretty sure she screwed Brett Michaels several times, and yet they are still married. My family is great at rug sweeping.

N and I rugswept so much shit, but then my infidelity happened and burned all the rugs. I didn't want us to rug sweep what I did, and I didn't want us to ignore all of our past actions anymore. I truly thought that we could work on those things. I thought we could be different than our parents.

BluerThanBlue posted 7/17/2020 09:20 AM

LD, how have you been processing your own recent DDays?

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