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I’m in an “affair fog” or “limerance” after going No contact

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RescueGA posted 2/20/2020 14:11 PM

Hellfire I appreciate your honesty.

Prior to 2-3 weeks ago I was all that you described. Now, I am struggling with the fact the affair made a false love, that’s why I asked about the limerance.....it’s a true experience that I’m going through.

What would you suggest I just leave until it goes away?

HellFire posted 2/20/2020 14:12 PM

You can call it fog. Some would call it being a jerk. You know right from wrong. You are choosing to do wrong.

Stop blaming fog and limerance. You are choosing to behave the way you are.

What you are doing, pining for the OW, is cruel to your wife. I hope the waywards here can help you. Your wife is being traumatized,over and over, while you long for a woman that isn't even close to your wife's league.

HellFire posted 2/20/2020 14:14 PM

To answer your question, I suggest you wake up. If you can't, then leaving would be kinder than to expect your wife to watch you cry over the woman who has destroyed her.

If OW had come into your house, swinging a baseball bat and hitting your wife and your children and the heads, would you still long for her? Because that's basically what this woman has done.

hikingout posted 2/20/2020 14:23 PM

I think you have to understand here is some of the folks responding are Betrayed Spouses. They are not going to be able to tell you how to manage it. I think there is a misconception (even in you) that this is about your AP, and it just isn't.

For most people they see these feelings as something you can control if you love your spouse. That you can straighten up and fly right because it's the right thing to do.

It's the right thing to do, it is. It's unfair to your wife, it really is. But, having been there, I know that I tried those methods of "doing it for them", "being the woman that I should be". It didn't work in correcting them. It sent me into a shame spiral which made me feel more aligned with the AP. I didn't feel like I deserved my husband (and I didn't) but it wasn't helpful because the shame and feeling worthless was EXACTLY the types of things I was trying to piggy back out of with the AP fantasy I had going.

You have to figure out ways to light up your brain to find your own sources of joy that are healthy. That's why I would start with the exercise/vitamins. You should do the exercise late in the evening at the time when you are having the withdrawal symptoms. When you can pin point the times when you are having the worst of it, you need to divert your energy and do something that makes you feel good in a healthy way. Do things for your wife. Play with your kids.

Every day, write down three things you are thankful for and really spend a few minutes connecting with that feeling with each item. By the end of a month, you will have rewired your brain to notice and appreciate with joy 90 things you encounter during your day that you are happy about.

Change is usually selfish at first. You need to see this as "I need to learn how to make myself happy". If you focus on that, and really keep holding that question, you will learn to be emotionally independent. You will need this because your wife is only going to be strong for so long she needs you there as her rock.

But, you can't shame yourself into it, I tried that very unsuccessfully for a long time. This is about learning to light yourself up and not needing others to do it for you. It's freaking hard because at this point you are devoid of anything else.

hikingout posted 2/20/2020 14:28 PM

Here is another project that you need to start and I would work on this in IC. You need to figure out why you cheated to begin with. All the reasons must be internal to you. It can't be about the marriage or your wife.

That's another thing that will help you out of this. Realizing what those reasons are will allow you to work on fixing those reasons. Right now you are very broken down and swimming around in the very things that brought you here. By realizing the things within me that contributed to the cheating, it allowed me to change and grow. The more you move away from the person you are now the more out of the confusion you will be.

Just trust me on this: You do not want this woman. You want what this woman represents to you in your own fantasy world. Meaning you are projecting things that are not there. You are using her to avoid your responsibilities. Hellfire is right, your wife is 100 times better than this woman is. What you are seeking in her doesn't really exist.

Wintergarden posted 2/20/2020 14:38 PM

I am just reading "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" (I'm not sure what we are allowed to post re these things so I won't give any more details) just wish I'd read it sooner and wish my H would read it.

What you do NOW will affect your future and that of your BS and family. It's hard to put someone else first when you are struggling so much but it's so important. I am only just over a year from finding out that I have been betrayed by the person I never imagined would do this to me. He really has struggled with guilt and betraying our M. But everything I learn from these forums seems to be so common, it's scary (things he's said at the outset, blame shifting and trying to justify his actions at the beginning and I'm sure in panic) now he sees the damage caused he is in a different place. Still not a good one for us, but a different one. At the beginning I didn't want to face the next day let alone imagine a year on.
You will get stronger. It's not easy. You wouldn't be on this forum if you didn't see that you want to do it right also you ask for help, that is a big bonus, honestly it is. I do hope you get the advice you are looking for.

hikingout posted 2/20/2020 14:41 PM

Yep, you should definitely read that book as well. I agree the time is still ticking with your BS, and she needs to see your efforts.

MrCleanSlate posted 2/20/2020 14:41 PM

RescueGA,

I broke things off with my AP before D-Day, heck I even started IC during my A because I started to see how messed up everything was.

It still took me some time to get my head out of my ass and see things clearly.

In my case my BW really helped me see things for what they were. I remember one day during one of our talks and my BW pointed out what a crappy person my AP was that she thought nothing to try to break up our family, and that she encouraged me to do it for her own ends. That was the beginning of my clear the fog so to speak.

Look, I get that you have emotions tied up in all this, and in a way you need to "grieve" (for lack of a better word), but you also need to start looking at yourself and realize that you have something broken inside that needs fixing, but you can't put those emotions onto your BS. you've dumped enough crap onto her already. Hikingout gives you some real good strategies, I also suggest you go to IC frequently. I was going weekly for the first 2 months.

Go to the Wayward Side Forum and the first post pinned there "Things Every WS Needs to Know". it will help you.

For me, the first few months I cocooned, shut out the world and just focused on my BW and M. For me that was my therapy.

One thing that did help me though - was being honest with my BW about everything. We had many even chats and the one thing I did was checked my ego at the door and just vomited out the facts and details. As time went I started to connect the dots to my Whys. I tell you though, being honest was freeing, especially after lying about everything for so long. I put my trust in my BW and I am glad I did.

SumofOne posted 2/20/2020 15:04 PM

My advice as both a BS and WS is to point out that you are still very focused on yourself, which is needed but if you would try to engage empathy for your wife it would truly help. Try to imagine the pain you have put her through, how you put this other person before her. Toughen up your resolve and understand that your fog is keeping you from helping your wife.

Carissima posted 2/20/2020 15:04 PM

Oh I know what limerance is. I also know you side stepped my question completely!
You have talked a lot about your feelings for your AP, you are now choosing to describe them as limerence. I've yet to read anything about your feelings for your wife. Again lots about how bad you feel about your actions, about how they have impacted on her but nothing about how you actually feel about her, good or bad. Which is why I ask if you're only staying for guilt, because honestly I'm not getting much (if any) desire to be with your wife.

SI Staff posted 2/20/2020 16:35 PM

Please note that the stop sign has been added. This topic is now WS only.

Zugzwang posted 2/20/2020 16:58 PM


Is it possible you just enjoy having two women want you? One the wife that wants to keep her family together. The other a toxic snake that wants to just have someone to sit in her shit with.

I mean, how do you not see just how fucked up she is? Why do you want that for yourself? Is it really limerance or is it more than that? Your lack of self confidence? Maybe you feel more comfortable with that level of toxin? Maybe you feel you want it because you want to still sit in a place where you can escape yourself and accountability and here you will not be alone? Maybe you are intimidated by your wife and feel that the toxic AP is all you deserve. Like any addiction to that dopamine high..it will be hard to break. IDK, it is just time to bite the bullet and face yourself and finally just suck it up and deal with being uncomfortable and the drug withdrawal.

IMO, you are still doing this because your wife is letting it happen. I can't help but wonder what would happen if you wife dropped you on your ass and two women didn't want you anymore.

And...like you last post...this whole thing about "falling into a trap" is bullshit. You did it because you wanted to to begin with. Just like I said the last time...

You had an affair because you wanted to have one. Get that and own it. The thought crossed your mind to have an affair as soon as you responded back to her flirting. Own it. So, if you chose to respond when she started- you wanted it. You were capable of it. Your character allowed it. Even to the point of divorcing your wife and jumping with the AP.
Own it already and for the love of yourself and your wife- STOP saying you fell into a trap. You are a grown man. Take some ownership for your choices to hurt people.

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