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Don't know what to do.

Ph6907 posted 2/18/2020 11:08 AM

My husband and I recently went on a trip to Mexico. We have been together for 16 years married 14. We really were having a fun beautiful trip. One night we drank way to much and ended up at a strip club. I really didnt mind girls rubbing him and then things started with me. They asked if we wanted a private room. I did say okay to it. Everything to this point was consensual. Before I knew it everyone was naked. Okay not a big deal. Then I looked over and he was having sex with her. My heart sank and I freaked out. I just could understand what I was seeing. I finally got up and threw up. We left. I was so angry. He said he thought thats what I wanted. Im so mad at myself. I agreed to alot of it. But sex was not one. I love him and I know he loves me. But I hate him, then I feel devastated and then feel like its not a big deal. So many emotions. I just dont know what to do.

sorryforeverythi posted 2/18/2020 11:19 AM

I am sorry that you are here and this happened.

Drunk and naked, not a good combination.

Boundaries is what you really need.

Firstly, the excuse is an excuse, he did it because he wanted to.

You two need to talk. There is a lot to unpack and talking is the first step. Lay out a plan and talk about what you want an need. Most people get into situations that can spiral out of control and knowing what is acceptable and isn't is a big thing.

It's like threesomes, the fantasy of one is great but if you don't sketch out the logistics shit goes south.

Do you think you can get over it?
Do you want to get over it?
Is it a deal breaker and you won't be able to move past it?
Have you ever said something that would lead him to believing that you would want to do group sex?

Write down what you feel and make a list of what he needs to do to give you the space to feel safe and maybe forgive him but really it could be a very big red flag that gave him the taste to do it again without your knowledge.

I am sorry you had it happen and I don't know if my explanation helps but the choice will be yours on what you do.

And he should get tested for an STI and if you have had sex since then so should you.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 11:21 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

squid posted 2/18/2020 12:09 PM

Who's idea was it to go to the strip club? Did the strippers ask to go to the private room or was it his suggestion? Who's idea was it to get naked? Did the strippers suggest it or did he?

See where I'm going? I think your husband had a strategy regarding how things unfolded and maybe had this fantasy for quite sometime but never told you.

You definitely need to establish some boundaries and spell out exactly what you need from your husband to make you feel safe.

DEFINITELY get him tested for STDs.

This will take some time to get over. What you are feeling is normal. Your emotions will be all over the place. Just be sure to focus on the basics - hydrate, sleep, and eat. Exercise is great too or just take a walk outside when your emotions are too much.

There's a lot of gray area since you mostly consented. But your husband should know where the boundaries of your marriage are and should have gotten absolute confirmation from you regarding having sex with another woman RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

You two need to do a lot of talking. What has he been doing since your trip? How has he been acting?

Westway posted 2/18/2020 12:11 PM

He said he thought thats what I wanted. Im so mad at myself

A little more info please. Was it your idea to go to the club for lap dances and such? Did you get naked along with everyone else?

And thus wasn't a strip club really. It sounds like it was a brothel.

Not establishing firm boundaries up front is what got you into this mess. Remember, best rule of thumb is that us guys are stupid, especially when we are thinking with our dicks. But we can't read minds either, and I think you should have sat and talked with him beforehand as to what was the limit to how far the both of you would go and stuck with that.

I'm sorry this happened to you. My opinion is that you need to cool off for a while, maybe be apart for a few days. Get the emotions under control and start thinking with your head. Come back together and talk about it. I would imagine he will say that he had a totally different idea of what was supposed to have happened than you did.

Ph6907 posted 2/18/2020 14:03 PM

I think that it was suggestion on what to do and we just went. Never did I feel that a few lap dances, would end up like it did. I guess Im taking some of the reponsibility, just because I agreed to everything else. To answer your questions. We have talked alittle, I have cried alot, he says he is sorry, he has been quiet, remorseful and says whatever he has to do he will do it. I just have a hard time looking at him the same way and I can not unsee what I have see.

Notmine posted 2/18/2020 16:51 PM

He said he thought thats what I wanted.

HUGE pile of crap there. HE wanted to do it. Did the cost of the sex come with the private room or did he pay separately? There had to be some negotiation.....sounds very suspicious to me, sorry to say.

I cannot even imagine what kind of pain this must cause you and how selfish your husband was to do this. What married person would think that their spouse would be ok with them having sex in front of them?. This is unbelievably cruel.

goalong posted 2/18/2020 16:55 PM

Looks like a Budweiser moment. Your husband may have acted under the cover of alcohol insanity

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