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What to Expect from MC

hoping1 posted 2/12/2020 07:04 AM

WH and I are starting MC. We have both been doing IC.

This is a big leap for WH and I have only done IC so not sure what to expect. Any advice for how to make it constructive? I am really hoping that WH gets something out of it and will continue.


I'm worried that it will take too long to tell the story of the A and I know WH gets ashamed having to tell it in detail. Does it make more sense to keep it brief (i.e. H had a LTA and we are working on reconciliation). Or do most MC want to go through all of the details?

I'd like to make this a positive experience for WH so we can build on it. He has made some big steps lately so I feel like I need to show him that I appreciate it. At the same time, we still have a long way to go.

Unhinged posted 2/12/2020 07:54 AM

Make sure this MC has experience with infidelity. Those who do not tend to do far more harm than good. Ask him/her lots of questions about infidelity, their views, personal experience, professional experience, etc.

MrCleanSlate posted 2/12/2020 08:15 AM

As a wayward going into MC was really helpful for me. We had a chance to openly talk about my A and also our M issues. Our MC did a really good job of guiding us (hence Unhinged comment about needing to find an MC experienced in infidelity).

My BW and I learned how to communicate with each other in a non-confrontational way and with a guiding hand to deal with our issues. For too many years I just bottled everything up. Each session went in unexpected paths.

4-1/2 years later we still go to MC every 6-8 weeks. We don't discuss the A so much anymore, more our martial and life issues. It helps us discuss issues and keep the channels of communication working. I learnt that it is a lifelong process to improve and work on a marriage.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 8:17 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

DaddyDom posted 2/12/2020 09:23 AM

Just be yourselves and allow the process to happen organically, same as you would in IC, there is nothing to worry about. Your MC will help guide you through the process.

I would suggest that you start by telling your MC exactly what you just told us, that your WH is uncomfortable going over the details. She can then offer advice and alternatives. Perhaps you can tell your side and he can fill in the blanks, or maybe he can write it down, or maybe she doesn't need the details at all in order to get started. Each MC experience is unique.

Good luck to you both. Just be yourselves and be as honest as possible.

hoping1 posted 2/12/2020 09:24 AM


Make sure this MC has experience with infidelity. Those who do not tend to do far more harm than good. Ask him/her lots of questions about infidelity, their views, personal experience, professional experience, etc.

Yes - this MC was recommended by my IC as someone who has experience with "difficult" cases of infidelity.

hoping1 posted 2/12/2020 09:25 AM

I would suggest that you start by telling your MC exactly what you just told us, that your WH is uncomfortable going over the details. She can then offer advice and alternatives. Perhaps you can tell your side and he can fill in the blanks, or maybe he can write it down, or maybe she doesn't need the details at all in order to get started. Each MC experience is unique.

This is a very good idea of a way to start the session. Also, the MC is a man which I thought might make H feel more comfortable.

sisoon posted 2/12/2020 12:04 PM

I suggest a different approach - let your H take care of himself, you start with an outline of what you want to get out of MC.

EllieKMAS posted 2/12/2020 12:21 PM

If you get one whiff one hint one molecule of any sort of BS blameshifting or rugsweeping, get up and run out of the office as fast as you can and find a new MC that will call your WH out on his bull.

And too bad so sad - WH needs to get comfortable with talking about it.

I thought a male MC would be a good idea too, but mine told me (the BW) that the best way to begin moving forward was (and I shit you not) "to recognize that it is the past and that bringing it into your future will ultimately do more harm than good. You should do deep breathing when you feel like you want to bring it up." Oh and he also said that it was imperative that I "recognized my role in my husband's desire to seek companionship elsewhere." For fucking real. MC said that. To a betrayed wife. In front of the cheating douchehole. You can just bet your toosh my xwh loooooved hearing that. Thank everything I had already found SI at that point and 80% of me knew that was some righteous bullshit.

Robert22205https posted 2/12/2020 12:27 PM

Send a detailed outline of the affair to the NC a head of time. You and your husband show up each with a copy. All 3 start from the same page.

Walkingthewire posted 2/12/2020 12:50 PM

MC was very helpful for us. We went once a week for a few months then switched to every other week, then once a month and then she said that she didn't feel the need to see us unless we needed her.

We had a neutral outlet for everything. She asked me if I was ok with him sharing details and thats when I figured out that I can not handle the sexual details. But I still wanted a timeline. She helped us figure that out. She helped us figure out the why, and the fact that it was all on him. Nothing I did or said forced him to feel as if he was having a revenge affair.
I came to realization about my friend with her help. Finally understood what he thoughts and feelings were towards him. I am a naive woman who only saw this as a friendship and nothing more.

She finally summed it up to: He was alone, depressed and not in a good place. He was alone in another country, first time away from home and she, being the person she is, saw that and pursued him with an intent of getting money (she got quite a bit) and a green card from him. She used him basically. He is at fault too because he should have said no and didn't. He should have spotted her intentions and didn't or was too blind to see them.

MC and IC were very helpful. We saw the same person for both. She was great. It was great to have an unbiased person listen to us both. I recommend MC to all my married friends. Not that there's anything wrong in their relationships but more like a tune up so to speak.

The first meeting was background. She got to know us and said that whatever is said we can not walk out of her office at the end angry at the things that are said and we still use that to this day. I think we are both accepting of the things the other says now too. She also suggested a journal type notebook that we both write in together. If it's something that we feel like we can't voice, it goes in there and the other person responds in the notebook. That's been amazingly helpful too since I have crippling anxiety and words are hard for me sometimes.

stolenyears posted 2/12/2020 17:44 PM

After both of us doing IC for 2.5 years, I thought it would finally be time to start MC. Using my IC for the MC, and she knows both of us and is a BW herself, so she knows infidelity and has worked with lots of individuals and couples over the years. Very apprehensive going in because I had this dream that she was going to make me do something I didn't want to and i would blow up at the appointment and leave my wife there.

She met with us together, then individually and now we are filling out about 50 pages worth of background and feelings about everything that she will compile and let us know whether or not we should be doing this at all...;-)

So far it has been a lot of work...still waiting for the wisdom, but I think we are on a good trajectory.

Oh and he also said that it was imperative that I "recognized my role in my husband's desire to seek companionship elsewhere."

Holy Schnikes, EllieKMAS...can't.even.deal.

Unhinged posted 2/14/2020 11:23 AM

EllieKMAS's tale about MC is a good example of why some MCs are capable of doing more harm than good. Some MCs are just... well... uninformed in some cases and just colossally stupid in others.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 11:24 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

thatbpguy posted 2/14/2020 12:43 PM

When we went the MC started by asking what we hoped to gain from MC- both personally and for the marriage. You may want to think about that before you go. What are your expectations...?

hoping1 posted 2/14/2020 13:12 PM

When we went the MC started by asking what we hoped to gain from MC- both personally and for the marriage. You may want to think about that before you go. What are your expectations...?

This makes sense. I actually spoke to H about it and he agreed that we should talk ahead of time regarding our expectations/agenda.

I know that part of me wants the MC to tell H that he has to work harder. Maybe that is the wrong attitude but I'm hoping it will be a reality check for him.

sisoon posted 2/15/2020 14:25 PM

I know that part of me wants the MC to tell H that he has to work harder. Maybe that is the wrong attitude but I'm hoping it will be a reality check for him.
Be real. If that's what you want, tell it to the MC. If your H can't take the real you, what do you need him for?

It's a great test, BTW. If the MC says anything about not living in the past, the MC probably doesn't understand recovering from being betrayed. Unless s/he says something like, 'Well, eventually you'll have to put into the past, but it's too early to do it now.'

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:25 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]

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