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Food issues and choices

wantstorepair posted 2/4/2020 08:53 AM

So my BW is hurt again by my awful actions, and continued selfish inability to simply act and follow directions.

For 9 years she has asked me for three choices at meals because of the food issues and triggers she has. And I have screwed this up every single time. It sounds so simple and probably is to all of you reading this, and it certainly is to her, but for me it is so confusing and inconsistent.

If I bring here three things at a meal, but not the other two meals of the day, she has said, so I donít get to eat for the other meals?

I recently brought her three choices for each meal of the day and was told I am being ridiculous.

Yesterday I brought her Starbucks and breakfast sandwich to start her day, and that was not three things so it was wrong.

Yes, I didnít bring three things yesterday and am wrong and it is that simple.

Then what does that mean for the other meals of the day? What is the expectation? How do I help and serve someone with massive eating issues and food triggers?

And after I bring three things for breakfast, how do I know if she wants or needs something for t(e other meals? She will not ask because she will not beg her abuser for support or help. Yet if I take the initiative to bring her food at the other meals, I am ridiculous, and if it donít I am not providing for her needs. I am so confused and yes I would like my actions to have positive outcome and meaning for her. And Iím told that that is just me manipulating and trying to game out the situation.

I am going to get blasted for this post because it sounds like I am blaming her for everything. I am the cause of her food issues and her triggers I own that and know that. I really do want to come up with solutions that are meaningful to her and that I know arenít going to cause even more damage. But thatís the point is I canít control the outcome of her feelings and donít know whether bringing food at any given meal is going to hurt or help. And thereís no consistent pattern or history to tell me whether my actions are the right ones or not. No youíre right I didnít do the whole job those things in the sink needed to soak because the food list.

Can you please give me some outside perspectives on this and opinions so I can try to learn how to serve her better?
Thank you

HellFire posted 2/4/2020 09:33 AM

Can you tell us what her food triggers Are? And Why? Why does she need 3 different choices as to what to eat for every meal? Is there a reason she doesn't fix her own food? She is very specific,expects you to serve her,but refuses to ask for help? Can she not write out a list,as to what she wants at every meal? Why are you doing this?

I'm so confused. Can you explain a bit more?

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:35 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

cptprkchp posted 2/4/2020 09:47 AM

I, too, am having a hard time following what the issue is. Would you mind telling us what the issues are and a little more information on her three foods request?


3greatkids posted 2/4/2020 09:56 AM

This is not at all what is happening here; heís raging around because one of his AP boss fired him yesterday.

Editing to add:

Iím going to clarify one point here and then Iím out.

I have not ever demanded nor asked for 9 meals a day.

Due to an eating disorder struggle, weight criticisms in the marriage, and food triggers directly stemming from affairs, I offered the insight when he asked what he could do that if heís trying to do something he thinks is nice for me with food, for me to likely find something that I can eat without getting sick, I need multiple choices.

This has in turn repeatedly been weaponized against me that I am demanding, entitled, abusive etc.

None of which makes ANY sense to me at all if he wants to repair.

I apologize for posting on this thread, being falsely portrayed by WS is a huge trigger for me.

[This message edited by 3greatkids at 11:35 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

HellFire posted 2/4/2020 10:01 AM

Ah. And looking for people to question you,and feel sorry for him.

Got it.


wantstorepair posted 2/4/2020 10:32 AM

Hellfire, she actually told me to make a post about the food discussion this morning to get other perspectives. Donít want your sympathy, only to try and understand so I can make better choices, to not be set up like this so I can feel even worse about myself. Sorry to waste everyoneís time.

Poppy704 posted 2/4/2020 10:46 AM

Sometimes it works really well when both partners are here seeking help, other times not so much. Wayward SHOULD be a place where you can ask for help with some degree of safety.

Wantstorepair: You are not a servant or a short order cook, offering 3 options every meal does not appear to have anything to do with healing your wife. Can you clarify why in the world this is an issue between the two of you? And why she is saying the real problem is something about someone being fired?

Zugzwang posted 2/4/2020 17:08 PM

What did you find out from your PCP?

As far as the post goes. I get more of the vibe that you come on just to complain about how unreasonable your wife is being...again.

Can you clarify why in the world this is an issue between the two of you? And why she is saying the real problem is something about someone being fired?

Catwoman posted 2/5/2020 07:50 AM

I'm thinking this "problem" is masking the real problem.

What is the real problem?


hikingout posted 2/5/2020 10:55 AM

I am sorry, I still don't understand.

When I read the initial post, I felt like it was passive aggressive. It seemed like you were asking the question in a complaint oriented way.

At the same time, I am not really sure that the complaint isn't valid. I do not understand why you are responsible for what she eats 3 times a day. But, I don't assume that's a problem she has, more that you have not explained what the purpose behind it is.

And, if you are agreeing to do this, why agree to do it and then not do it?

Very confusing.

hikingout posted 2/5/2020 10:59 AM

I went and brushed up on some of your other posts. I see now why I am not as familiar, I was very turned off when you did the Rant about your BS post.

So, basically, this woman has put up with years of abuse and cheating. She asks you to bring her 3 food choices for every meal, and you resent it. Do you think you are messing it up on purpose? To rebel?

wantstorepair posted 2/5/2020 16:19 PM

The reality is I have weaponized food and she initially needed choices because I had taken choice from her, hence the three options. On top of that, in one of my As I would leave early on Monday mornings for work about 4 hours away, to go to the APs house for sex, so Monday mornings are an awful trigger, so me ignoring the Monday trigger, combined with not offering three choices, and combined with yes, on this Monday my position was downsized and elim8nated, by the very same boss I had inappropriate relationship with in 2018. I spent the night at her house and then when confronted with it by my BW and given the choice of reconciling and quilting or staying with the job, I got angry and violent and punched a pole and chose the AP and the job. , so that triple blow for my BW, and my total failure to acknowledge it and own it is what the issue was about, not just three things for breakfast.

Then to cap it all off, this morning I brought her three things for beakfast earlier, even though yesterday she said donít bring food anymore because I ruined that too, and one of the the things I ordered and brought was an omelet, which I. Completely ignored as itís own trigger...back to when I was traveling for work and would come home late Thursday I would stop at the APs house for sex then come home, and on Friday morning make my BW an omelette for beakfast.

I am a. Total and complete asshole and my defensive rants about her are completely unjustified, unwarranted, and untrue, and the. Completely minimize my accountability for all the damage she has endured and continues to endure because I am so selfish and thoughtless.

bluephoenix posted 2/9/2020 21:43 PM

I hope I can offer my opinion here. As a BS who has experienced the trauma of infidelity I can say there are triggers that can out of the blue blindside you with memories or flashbacks of the affair. I can also say after researching many books, articles, podcasts and videoís acquiring the knowledge of what a WS is experiencing, feeling, and thinking while they are cheating and learning about post traumatic infidelity disorder. It seems as though you hurt your partner with your actions and I by no means deny that it hurt her badly. However 9 years is an allotted amount of time for reconciliation and repairing and it seems like you are making a conscience effort to make her happy. Bringing her food and trying to remember what foods trigger her is based on her thinking not yours. You respect the fact she has these triggers and try to avoid them the best you can. Instead of her getting annoyed with your honest mistake she needs to communicate a little better and still see the work and effort your putting into making her happy and not criticize the good deeds you do. Yes, you made a mistake and your willing to atone for what you did but so much time has passed where you should be working on attuning your relationship which means BOTH partners work on communicating, respecting and strengthening. The fact that your bringing her food is a selfless gesture on your part and a little appreciation goes a long way in a relationship. Have her make you a detailed list of her triggers to make her feel better, but she cant punish you for every nice thing you do.

Brokenlifer posted 2/11/2020 18:41 PM

Bluepheonix I don't think you've read OP's post above correctly.

Don't know where '9 years'came from but it looks like ke said his inappropriate relationship with his boss was in 2018 so less than 2 years ago. He's even stated that the omelette is a trigger so why does his BW now have to repeat herself and list every single trigger, why does she even have to know every trigger?

I appreciate that as a BW you have some understanding and have done some research but that that doesn't mean that you completely understand his BW. She's clearly going through a lot of trauma and cannot just put that aside to show 'appreaciation'because you feel it's been 'long enough' in your opinion (even thought it's not even been 9 years) for the to put appreciating him over her trauma.

He's said himself that he's not being fair by writing the post which is not a sign of a remorseful spouse. Making someone an omelette is not selfless, it's a good that she has said triggered her- no one said she is punishing him for every nice thing he did. Clearly he's not spending all his time doing 'nice selfless things'if she has to come on here and defend herself, and he then even agrees that he wasn't being fair.

I don't think you're being very fair either. It's her pain, her husband, her R. If she has trauma from what she's been subjected to, like weight criticisms, then she gets to take HER time to work through them- key words- she HAS TO work through them, already a sacrifice. She doesn't need the added pressure of being the perfect forgiving saint because 'it takes TWO' partners. actually its takes just ONE, HER to suffer from the triggers so she doesn't need judgement for not doing that perfectly and being the appreciative wife because her husband made her an omelette after giving her trauma for life.

It also took one partner to be faithful- her. So let's have a bit more 'appreciation'for betrayed spouses instead of holding them to our standards and research based on our experiences and not theirs, which they have to deal with alone. R is not easy, easy to say what a betrayed 'should do', where is the grace for betrayed spouses just trying to get out of trauma and find joy again that has been stolen. They need to thi j of themselves too and not just being perfect for a marriage that was broken and may not work out.

LLXC posted 2/12/2020 00:53 AM

Are you guys in yhe process of divorcing?

I am so selfish and thoughtless

You have been saying this cor awhile. You are doing gbe same thing again and again and then lamenting your jerkiness. Why isnt your behavior changing?

Why are you bringing your breakfast after she asked you not to? What was your thought process? Why are you making her an omelette when you always made them for her after having sex with someone else? What was your thought process?

And why is the food prep situation so different from your wife's perspective?

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