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I had an affair, and I'm struggling

Pages: 1 · 2

BrokenRoad posted 1/26/2020 21:07 PM

Hi Rescue,
In looking through all of this, I think what strikes me most is that you seem to still be unsure of what you want.
My advice would be to really take some time and think about it -- can you live without your wife? If not, the answer is simple, walk away from the AP. Do every painful thing until the new normal is with the wife only.
NO one says its going to be easy but until you really make up your mind to do this, you will still be wavering back and forth and no one will be happy.
--BR

Pippin posted 1/26/2020 22:02 PM

I know it's hard RescueGA. It might help to think of it as an addiction. A hit of any kind (actual contact or even thinking positive thoughts) sends you back to the beginning, hurts your children, hurts your wife, is a step toward living death, and it is nonetheless compelling and compulsive because it is an easy shortcut to temporarily avoiding all the problems you have and feeling temporary relief. You have to figure out which shields work for you, put your shields up and keep them up, and if you are the praying type, get down on your knees and ask for help.

t/j CPTPRKCHP I read your username in my head as "captain pepper ketchup" and that can't be right. What's the right thing to hear?

[This message edited by Pippin at 10:20 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 1/27/2020 10:22 AM

2x4 coming....

So Like I said I am struggling still, I messed up and called her his morning, she sounds pissed but I asked if we could meet in a public place to talk and she said “name, I’m not afraid of you”
I know that I shouldn’t but I want to and I seriously am going crazy. I know we had the affair but I’m really unclear after reading the post because after not seeing her or talking to her for over a week I really do still feel like I love her, and I can’t figure out why I am caving if it is a false love???

There is no Rescue if you don't help yourself. you didn't mess up - you CHOSE to call the AP.

Are you seriously entertaining that witch of an AP that feels nothing to tear up 2 families all so she can live a crappy life with you? What, you think either of your kids will have any respect for you two, and with alimony, child support, etc. you think life will be better?
And if she is going off on your BW and now on you, how do you think she will be when you 2 are living together? Why don't you talk to the OBS and see what he thinks about his ex wife....

You really need to take a few steps back and evaluate. By this I mean stop playing with the lives of your BW and kids. If you decide you can't live with your BW and kids then be a MAN and leave and offer the financial support that they are due.

Yes I cheated too. I can also now look back over the years and see the idiocy of what I did with a lot of guilt and regret. You, however, are fucking around with people. Stop it.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 11:01 AM, January 27th (Monday)]

Need2Do posted 1/27/2020 12:44 PM

Look, I am the last person to be telling you what to do, but read this post, I read it just recently myself. It gave me something I really needed 3-1/2 years ago...insight to what I did to my husband when he found out about my affair.

It broke my heart, and it reaffirmed my resolve to give him what he needs to heal. As hard as it might be for me, he is worth it. For you, it might be what you need to see what you are doing to your wife...she really loves you.

I hope I am not stepping out of line by doing this.

Part 1 of Ambivalance/Dazed and Confused
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=614285&AP=1&HL=61076

Part 2:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=618626&AP=121&HL=61076

These had a powerful impact on me personally, when I read his posts, I thought I was reading something my husband would be writing...please reconsider your AP...

cptprkchp posted 1/27/2020 18:39 PM

I can tell you why you miss your AP so much - she is the thumbtack that holds the mirror in which you want to see yourself. Right now you made a mess of your life, your relationships, everything... and you want to see yourself in a good light again. AP MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. The two of you made this mess together and you know when you commiserate with her you can feel better about what you have done. She makes you feel like all of the shitty things you two have done is worth something.

We are here to tell you the truth. Your relationship with AP isn’t worth shit. Every single time you allow contact with AP you are resetting the clock - you are hurting your BS, your kids, and even yourself because you keep getting sucked back in to the A. AP told you she’s had other affairs - what makes you think she wouldn’t cheat on you? If they cheat WITH you then they will cheat ON you. You have time to salvage your family. You can make this right - you are being offered a gift - take it and run! Put in the work and find your why’s!

I’ve been in R for 12 years. TWELVE YEARS. Anything you are thinking I have thought. Whatever you are feeling I have felt. Same thing with the other WS’s here. WE KNOW!! I really hope you keep coming back.

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