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At an Impasse - need help please

wantstorepair posted 1/13/2020 10:30 AM

We are at a total impasse. My BW say she will not engage in any discussions about a way forward and actual separation plan because she does not trust me nor feel safe. She has given me full custody and control of the kids and says that she doesnít want them there with her because she is afraid I will use them as an excuse to be there. She says I win. I have to say that this is terribly confusing to me because there have been countless times where I am asked to be there with the kids, and her as well, and when I have been asked to stay away I have. Well I donít want to win, Id like a fair and stable agreement that the kids can count on, that I understand the rule and boundaries of, instead of this daily pick-up game of not knowing what is right or wrong and acceptable or not on any given day, or what I say will be taken as argumentative, minimizing, justifying or defensive. She says I need to go at her pace to get there. I donít know what that means andf there is certainly no roadmap provided except to each day donít be defensive, minimizing, justifying, or argumantative. And if I fail at that, total derailment on any given day. She gave me three options today: Liquidate the kids college accounts so she could go get a lawyer, me take money from savings and go get a lawyer myself, or post my confusion on SI and get guidance. So here I am.

What is a lawyer going to tell me: you are a serial cheater, abusive, violent and totally at fault in this divorce. You are fucked.

I donít need a lawyer to tell me that, I know that. And really I donít care, I am not here haggling over money. I am at fault and I am responsible. I would like an agreement and a way ahead instead of the daily fighting and uncertainty.

Yes I would like to see my children and have visitation with them. She says, ďhow much parenting rights should an immoral abusive cheater have?Ē Yet she has told me I have the kids and am in control. They currently live with me full time and I do everything for them. So how are they safe and okay with me in this arrangement, but she argues with the question above when it comes to making an actual arrangement? It makes no sense! what is she telling me, that I will have none? Then why wonít she put that in an agreement and move forward? She wonít because she says that I am uncooperative and doesnít believe that I will abide by a court ordered agreement anyway. So what am I supposed to do here?

In the fall we almost had an arrangement that was very generous on her part and to which I said I agreed. It fell apart before we even had it signed. One of the stipulations in it was that when I was there picking up the kids for school and morning routine at her house, there was to be no contact with her between 6-8:15. It stipulated that if I violated that then the morning school routine visitation would be off and the agreement modified. She sent it to me at night and I said I would get back to her with my thoughts on the arrangement, and she said not tonight, send it tomorrow. So I sent it in the morning, between 6-8:15. She said that was a violation of the agreement and rewrote it. When she send me the next version it had the morning routine gone as expected, but it also took away other time that she had previously said was okay. I said I would not sign that one and I asked to have that other time added back in, and that started a fight which devolved into her sending me a new arrangement that had zero visitation whatsoever. I refused to sign that, and here we are, her saying I have won and with with full custody of the kids (no actual agreement)

Every conversation with her is the same, I am told that everything I say and do is argumentative, justifying, defensive, and being an asshole. I feel like I try, I start each day with gratitude that it is a new day to try and be the cooperative and non-argumentative person she needs. That unravels so damn fast every dayÖ I was literally asked a ďwhyĒ question last week, and then blasted after I gave my response for being a justifying asshole. A Why question can only be answered with a justification!!! It is a set up and I am at a total loss as to how to communicate with her let alone have any peace and stability and a way forward.

And every time I say I am confused I get asked why I have to understand, why donít I just comply, why do I need to understand? Understanding is controlling I am told.

[This message edited by wantstorepair at 10:52 AM, January 13th (Monday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 1/13/2020 11:23 AM

This is one of those situations where you can understand why lawyers are needed.They have no skin in the game.

You and your BW are both emotionally wrapped up in this and can't see your noses for your assholes.

Stop using your kids as weapons. You have them presently so be the parent and do what you need to do right by your kids.

Poppy704 posted 1/13/2020 14:24 PM

When you say you are an abuser what do you mean exactly? Was there ever a time you endangered children during A?

For the most part the courts do not care if one spouse cheated and do not consider it abuse that effects custody.

Chaos posted 1/13/2020 14:25 PM

You are in lawyer territory. That's not a bad thing. They are removed enough to look at just the facts. They are not emotionally involved.

What is a lawyer going to tell me: you are a serial cheater, abusive, violent and totally at fault in this divorce. You are fucked.

You are not a fortune teller. You don't know what a lawyer will tell you.

IF what you fear is true - you can't go backwards. You can UNFUCK YOURSELF and move forward.

Your actions destroyed that woman so bad that every moment, every breath is excruciating. That woman no longer knows what way is up. The roller coaster is real. And scary. And at times off the rails. You had a say in all of this. She and your children did not. Actions have reactions and consequences. She's been run over by the steamroller of consequences to your actions. She's reacting to trauma you repeatedly inflicted.

Without malice - this may fall under "suck it up" and let it all play out. The dust will fall where it may.

PLEASE - Do NOT at any point use your children as a weapon, collateral or a tool to manipulate the situation. It sounds from what you wrote that your BW left them with you because she isn't even well enough to take care of herself right now and is putting their care above her own.

ETA - NEITHER of you should be using the children as a weapon, etc. Their best interests should always be first.

[This message edited by Chaos at 2:26 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

LLXC posted 1/13/2020 17:38 PM

Hire a lawyer for your self. Your wife gets a lawyer for HERSELF, they get this shit done. You pay your wife's legal fees.

And by the way. If you truly believed in your heart that this was your fault, you would not think that your lawyer would tell you you're fucked. You would think that your wife is getting some restitution.

Ypur wife needs a lawyer to protect herself and het self interests.

And finally. You want to change? Stop and look at this from your wife's perspective. Have you perhaps used the kidd' drop off to try to talk to your ex wife?

Matbe agree to do drop off at school so she doesnt have to see or talk to you

Darkness Falls posted 1/13/2020 20:38 PM

I agree with everyone else. You need a lawyer. She needs a lawyer. You need to stop engaging with her about anything except factual, XYZ stuff about kids/finances, and in your shoes I would limit even that interaction to in writing. Also keep written records of when you have the kids, when she forfeits parenting time to you, when she tells you youíre in charge of the kids, etcójust so you do avoid getting ďfuckedĒ re: custody once itís formally decided.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 8:39 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

Zugzwang posted 1/13/2020 20:54 PM

Why do you care if she thinks you are an asshole? You say you were. Yet, you get pissed if she thinks it or treats you like you are. You certainly didn't care that you treated her like an asshole for 26 years. So, why do you care if she thinks you are?

Are you really remorseful or are you just pissed that she is making this hard? Honestly, at this point maybe she is dishing what you did to her right back, she is done with the BS and is fighting back. You were a dick to her for 26 years and now she is being unreasonable. You can't stand it or handle what you dished out for 26 years on her. Maybe the fact that you think she is the one being unreasonable and argumentative is what is making things harder. She is...after your 26 years of it. She is?

Get a lawyer. She is obviously done and it really sounds like she wants you to just disappear. From what you write, it really just seems like she is mad she has to deal with you at all because you two have children together. Right now she probably loves her children but if she could do it all over. You would never had existed in her little corner of the world. Use your savings and get a lawyer.

No one can really help you with your conversations. We aren't there and really can't hear what you say and how you say it. If spin it like a victim or what. According to your last post you have been doing nothing for some time. Then you complain that you have because she thinks you are being argumentative and blah blah blah.. Which is it?

Evermore posted 1/14/2020 13:29 PM

Both get lawyers, offer her a settlement that is more that fair allowing her to focus on self healing so she can be a better able to parent. Back and forth is just going to cause her more trauma and in turn impact your kids.

Get creative, come up with a pick up and drop off schedule that avoid you seeing each other. Find an app that allows her to view communication of no urgent matters when she feels she can handle it (texts and call for emergencies, app for the rest).

Right now your focus should be in mitigating the damage caused to your child and her (because she needs to get healthy to parent).

Also, change your mindset from she is being difficult, to you have made things difficult for her. You are not a victim of her difficulty.

JBWD posted 1/14/2020 14:08 PM

What is a lawyer going to tell me: you are a serial cheater, abusive, violent and totally at fault in this divorce. You are fucked.

I donít need a lawyer to tell me that, I know that. And really I donít care, I am not here haggling over money. I am at fault and I am responsible. I would like an agreement and a way ahead instead of the daily fighting and uncertainty.

Your presence and interaction continues to make such a resolution impossible. As others have said, thatís based on your BWís TOTAL INABILITY to trust you based on all youíve done.

I donít know what your resistance to using a lawyer is, but it gives your BW exactly what sheís asking for- a proxy so she can continue to heal and move on as she recovers. Regardless, I donít think that a lawyer would be so foolish as to berate a paying client. And if you DO know such self-deprecating statements to be true, what does it matter if you hear them stated out loud?

Divorce is not your punishment, itís her liberation from an abusive relationship from which she canít heal.

MrCleanSlate posted 1/14/2020 14:08 PM


I was reading the recent responses, and then I re-read your post, and it finally hit me what was bothering me about your post.

It read like something my 19yo son would write. It is all me, me, me. I'm not trying to insult you, just pointing out that the way your write really shows an immaturity.

From what you wrote she is being unreasonable, and I bet if she were posting that you would come across as being unreasonable. So? Does that get you, her or your kids any further along?

Suck it up and get some real help.

A couple years ago my business was named in a lawsuit. I never should have been named as my involvement was minimal, but I was. So a lot of legal fees later my lawyer struck a deal to have them release me. I wanted my legal costs, and a few pounds of flesh, but my lawyer said sometimes life is not fair, but the deal is what is, and chances of my recouping costs were minimal and I should just carry on.

That's where you are. you need some impartial advice so you can move on.

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