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Help to confess everything.

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Emma1207 posted 1/8/2020 13:06 PM

I actually enjoyed it and am willing to try it if he wants to of course.

ChamomileTea posted 1/8/2020 13:14 PM

If that's the case than you're probably good to go. Just remember that there can be no more lies. Not ever. The only way to rebuild broken trust is with CONSISTENT honesty.

JBWD posted 1/8/2020 13:14 PM

In addition, a couple concrete additions to help moving forward in terms of self “improvement”

1) Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is a very set procedural method that helps one understand ingrained behaviors that are hard to perceive from an objective standpoint. The book “Feeling Good” by Dr David Burns REALLY helped me dissect patterns of behavior that I couldn’t even understand myself. I assume English is your second language so unsure if that would keep you from benefiting, but I can’t recommend this book enough.

2) After understanding behaviors, a fantastic way to mitigate is mindfulness practice. I have been meditating daily for the past 6 months, and the ability to act and speak deeply and deliberately is a remarkable change for me. Any book by Pema Chodron on meditation is a good way to begin this.

Bottom line, your stand-alone well being will go a long way in the success of recovery. Right now posters are highlighting that you haven’t provided a truly compelling argument for R. But your swift resolution and understanding are the keys to knowing that R is in your best interest.

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 13:41 PM

No stop sign. Betrayed husband here.

Tell him everything. Everything. Write it all down in exhaustive detail as a day by day narrative. Get a full STD/STI panel and document that for your husband.

Then offer to do a polygraph to test the veracity of your WRITTEN timeline, not just the Reader’s Digest version you provide verbally.

I would also recommend you find a local individual counselor in your area who specializes in betrayal trauma. This is very important to help you understand what adultery does to a betrayed spouse. The counselor is for you to help process how to move from being a destroyer to a healer.

If you can’t bring yourself to do these things, then better give your husband freedom from you. That’s a far better thing to do than trickle truthing him.

Be prepared for him to walk after you tell him — although he may be so blindsided and in trauma he will be frozen for a little while. That’s why telling him everything right away is so important. Stringing him along will only wreak further havoc and cause irreversible damage.

It won’t surprise you to read that the fallout from this is toxic at radioactive levels, but it comes with your decision to unleash adultery into your relationship. While it’s easy enough to accept in a written post like this, I can only tell you are in no way prepared for the horrific damage this will cause — but it’s on you to act morally and ethically to try to repair the damage in the face of that horror.

Brace yourself.

Read this and believe it. It is not hyperbole. Every word of it is true: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp?

Also get and read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. Then write down a written, detailed plan for how you will implement the book. Be prepared to also give that to your spouse.

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 13:51 PM

And if you don’t tell everything, your marriage will be built on those lies going forward. It’s a foundation of sand.

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 13:54 PM

Also I just want to reiterate what people here have said. Many of us discovered or exposed our spouses’ affairs, rather than having them come to us and voluntarily give us everything. You have a tremendous opportunity to do this right and potentially salvage a relationship. The old marriage is dead. But I cant tell you how many of us would have liked our partners to simply come to us with the truth before we had to find it out ourselves.

HellFire posted 1/8/2020 13:56 PM

Tell him the entire truth. Do not minimize, blame,or defend.

Give him your phone so he can read all texts, messages,etc. If you have deleted them,run recovery software,and restore them.

Answer his questions with patience and love. He will ask the same question 100 times, because he is trying to make sense of it.

Schedule a polygraph, so he can ask any question he feels you are lying about.

Schedule an appointment to be tested for Stds.

Hand him a lost of all of your passwords,so he will see you are going to be fully transparent.

Understand this will take years to work through. If you want it to work, buckle up,and ride the emotional rollercoaster with him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:01 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Jorge posted 1/8/2020 14:10 PM

Although sex played a big role was not the reason for continuing the affair.

1) The fact you admit sex played a big role in the affair will be crippling for him, no doubt. Many in your position downplay the sexual component, which only frustrates and causes further distrust, as the waywards actions often speak otherwise. As crazy as it sounds, your truthfulness here will earn you some respect.If you say it played no role in the continuance of the affair, you will be challenged, so be prepared to answer how or why you stayed with the sex then.

So while your thoughts or reasoning may be centered around the excitement, etc., he may associate the excitement to being "sexual excitement". Many wives underestimate the impact the sexual infidelity has on their husbands and it takes them a while to process this. Whereas, if you acknowledge this up front and place it in its proper context, it will allow you to communicate in his language earlier in the confession/post recovery discussions, as well as allow you to empathize more deeply than you already seem to be.

2) It would be helpful if you can come up with some answers in anticipation of his questions. One of his first questions will be why, when, where, etc. To be practical here, your why's will not change anything. He will ask it over and over, as nothing you say will make sense. It's just a knee jerk response question as he begins processing this tragedy.

I'd pay special attention to the questions you can't answer and may respond with a "I don't know". Being able to say, you're working diligently with a mental health professional so that you can supply him with answers to his questions will be meaningful to him.

3) Don't place him in a position where he has to console you. I'm not saying you can't be emotional, but he's the one that will require support.

4) You may have a challenge confessing everything you wish to say, as once things get going, it's easy to forget and omit information. So, it's okay to read from a statement. You'll have many talks, but only one initial confession.

5) In time, he will associate times and places you were with your AP and could/should have been with him. Not sure there's much you can do here except listen without defending and excusing.

6) He may ask you to notify AP's wife and he may want to contact AP to corroborate your story.

7) He will probably ask, what if AP hadn't moved away. Tough one here as you both know the affair would still be going full blast. Nothing you say aside from the truth will fly. Most unfaithful say they were trying to end it for weeks, months, etc. This actually makes it worse in some cases, as it reveals the AP was so irresistible, your best efforts and risks of losing husband and the marriage, were still not enough to pry you from your AP's spell.

You will have to do a massive job of loving him in order for your husband to regain his self worth as a lover and husband to overcome this. Your AP moving away is almost like your husband discovering it on his own, in that it didn't end because of you wanting to be with your husband, but because AP was no longer available. He may see himself in the dreaded fallback option.

8) If possible, he'll not be able to execute simple functions like finding an IC etc. If you can do some of the legwork here, it would help him tremendously.

9) If you have a pastor, schedule a prayer session with him and your husband. If your husband passes on the offer, go anyway. Aside from you or your loved on the verge of death, rarely will you need a higher power more then right now.

10) Needless to say, pour your heart out like you've never done before. If he allows you to get close to him, do so. If he allows you to grasp both of his hands and talk to him eye to eye, do so. Whatever comforts him, do it. Whatever discomforts him, refrain from it and respect his boundaries. It's his time. He makes the rules. You follow them.

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 14:11 PM

Playing a bit of catch up and reading about the BDSM and anal. I have to be honest and agree with another BH here who posted...


Providing sex acts with the OM that you denied your BH... especially with a friend of his... I’m sorry, but that will be an absolute deathblow to him. It is to any man. I’m not trying to be rude or mean, but that is the one thing that would make me file for D without any more questions. I’d become a weekend Dad. I’d endure financial ruin. I’d do whatever I had to do to get away from the woman who valued another man sexually over me, her husband. The fact that he wanted to experience these things with you and you refused him, but happily gave to AP... one does not come back from that.
I believe this is one aspect of infidelity that cannot be overcome when a woman betrays a man. I know this has been a subject of much debate on this forum, but men just cannot come back from this.

That said, trying to sanitize and trickle truth is not a good strategy — so setting “boundaries” and all around what you’re willing to tell him, very bad idea. You either tell him or don’t — but your marriage is already over. I can’t say I have high hopes that any man will be willing to accept their sweet wife was willing to engage in BDSM and anal with another man, but not them. But not telling at this point is not an option for you. This will come out one way or another.

I can really never fathom how women view this and why women don’t understand how deeply this disrespects a man.

(EIDT: I suppose I can accept that women have a hard time “grokking” what infidelity does to a loyal man, because they themselves aren’t men — but after being told about it repeatedly, they still express surprise, almost as if they don’t want to believe it. That’s what really surprises me).

Good luck.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:56 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 1/8/2020 14:26 PM

You've gotten a lot of good advice.

What bugged the hell out of me was that my W tried to read my mind, and she did a lousy job.

So what I say to you is:

1) Assume you won't know what you r H thinks and feels, so ask him what he wants a lot.

2) Give him the big news - you've cheated - tell him you want to come clean, and ask him if and how he wants you to do that.

Tell him you can't guess what he wants to hear so you can see 2 options. Option 1 is for you to tell - at a highish level - what you would want to hear if you were cheated on. Option 2 is to give him the info he asks for.

Let him choose or suggest a 3rd option.

IOW, don't start spewing what you think he wants to hear unless that's what he wants you to do.

3) Be prepared for him to ask a lot of questions many times.

4) Be prepared to hear a lot of anger and grief. Listen. Don't defend. If he wants a response - just say 'Thanks for sharing. My actions were indefensible. I understand that you feel this way' and mean it.

5) If you want to R, once in a while, say something like, 'I want to stay together. I understand I'd have to change for you to want that. I understand that you may not want to stay together.'

6) Good luck.

Look, you'll be the prime beneficiary of living and honest life. It will hurt at first, but long term, it's the best way to achieve joy and connection.

faithfulman posted 1/8/2020 14:29 PM

I've seen many men go completely to pieces over this subject here at SI. Some conflate particular sexual acts with love and convert the offering of such acts to an AP to emasculation.

Actually when a woman offers an affair partner sexual acts that she has denied her husband prior, and particularly acts that are generally considered to be taboo, the calculus is that she has greater sexual desire for the affair partner, making the husband feel disrespected to an unbelievable degree, and you bet that is emasculating.

Honestly, just regular sex outside of your marriage with another man is emasculating to the husband, let alone anal and BDSM that your wife denied you.

Like Thumos wrote:

I can’t say I have high hopes that any man will be willing to accept their sweet wife was willing to engage in BDSM and anal with another man, but not them. But not telling at this point is not an option for you. This will come out one way or another.

I can really never fathom how women view this and don’t understand how deeply this disrespects a man.

+Emma has already stated she was in love with her AP.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 2:52 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

faithfulman posted 1/8/2020 14:41 PM

Posted by Emma:

I actually enjoyed it and am willing to try it if he wants to of course.

Posted by Chamomile Tea:

If that's the case than you're probably good to go.

No, just no.

I don't mean to be argumentative with other posters but since Emma now likes the taboo sex acts that she denied to her husband ever since she let her affair partner do it, doesn't really ameliorate anything most likely.

"Hey Husband, you know how I never let you do me anal before? Well, I've done anal with Bill from next door for the past year or so and now I like it, so I guess we can do it now too! We good?"

Now, Emma's husband may want to match the AP sex act for sex act in an attempt to reclaim what he feels should have been his alone to experience, but that probably won't fix anything really.

But who knows, some men (a minority) aren't as wounded by other men having sex with their wives.

Emma, all you can do is tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

Be prepared for the worst anger you have ever seen.

Do not shift blame to anyone, not your husband, your marriage, or even the affair partner.

As stated above, be prepared for the same question over and over, asked 10 different ways. Answer it honestly.

Very possible this is a deal breaker for your husband, but you may not know for a while, maybe even months or years.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 3:52 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Jorge posted 1/8/2020 14:45 PM

I can really never fathom how women view this and don’t understand how deeply this disrespects a man.

Above all things, I believe she valued AP above her husband, or in the least, valued her experiences in the affair over her experiences as a wife to her husband. She said she knew it was wrong, and isn't sure she could remain married if she was the betrayed one. It was a conscious decision made thousands of times and AP was the choice. This is the fallout. He pays. AP walks.

As Emma said, she restarts her life, hopefully a better person. It's just unfortunate, it's at the expense of the innocent one, but herein lies the tragedy of infidelity, and why we're all here, to help the victims and perpetrators. Never easy though. Especially threads like this one where a man's life will be emotionally and firguratively altered for life, for reasons of which he'll ask forever, how it came about and why him.

Thumos posted 1/8/2020 15:26 PM

“Hey Husband, you know how I never let you do me anal before? Well, I've done anal with Bill from next door for the past year or so and now I like it, so I guess we can do it now too! We good? "

Exactly. No man in their right mind will accept this.

I actually enjoyed it and am willing to try it if he wants to of course

Be very careful with this. This reflects a common gulf of misunderstanding between men and women about sex. Sex is like the air women breathe and is on offer from men like an unending spigot — thus why so many WW’s are able to flippantly deflect with comments like “it was just meaningless sex.” (EDIT: and this is why “open marriages” are almost always to the advantage of wives, and more often are initiated by women).

Sex for men is something they have to work for, even if they’re as handsome as Paul Newman. For a loyal, faithful man, sex is always meaningful.

Emma, I take it your husband is not a stupid man. Men feel what they feel, and emasculation is a very common feeling. There are a number of people, including here on SI, who seem hellbent on trying to talk most men out of this. Words don’t work. It is likely caused by actual biology, not some social construct. Likely has something to do with vasopressin, a pair bonding hormone that men get doses of that women never do. Men get both oxytocin and vasopressin. Women just get oxytocin. Vasopressin not only pair bonds a man, it also gives him the “possessive/protective” feeling for his wife and family that makes a loyal man such a valuable lifelong partner in the first place. When you sever that with betrayal, the brain pain is severe.

A bit of a digression just to make the point that emasculation is a real, substantive and well-documented phenomenon. Having sex with another man emasculates a loyal, hardworking faithful husband. It puts him into a midlife crisis against his will and immediately thrusts him into psychic “outer space” like an astronaut floating alone, an experience called liminality.

Imagine this a hundred fold if you not only had sex, but did things sexually with your affair partner you denied your husband and that you took great pleasure in it and found it to be a dirty, exciting adventure to boot — and did it for a long time, too.

The toxicity here is off the charts.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:58 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Zugzwang posted 1/8/2020 15:59 PM

I think that's why it's so hard, tomorrow I'll destroy his life and he has done nothing to deserve it.
No one ever deserves it. Even if they are the shittiest spouse ever. Divorce was always an option and they didn't for what ever cowardly reason the WS (cheater) chose not to.

You did it because it was fun, you never thought you would get caught and didn't. That is the why. Too many start to dig up all sorts of bull shit and more often than not sound like blame shifting or excuses.
Yeah, NOPE. Settle with this and your BS will never trust you again. Because well, you have no reason to change. You have no reason to never do it again. Life will be about white-knuckling it and putting up boundaries. If you dig and find the reasons which isn't blameshifting or excuses, then you can change it. The boundaries aren't the only thing to make you safe- your driving force changes and makes you safe. Any normal human being would rather be with someone that doesn't have the need to begin with. Digging past the "fun" gets to that. Being safe is changing that need. Not just transparency and promising to be a good wife from now on.


People cheat because of something they lack on the inside. Only waywards really know this. Yes, of course it was fun. It was fun for everyone here or we wouldn't of done it. Yet, why was it fun?
What did you get out of it? Your IC will help you dig deeper into that.

What I realized too late is that I could simply have explored with my husband.
Yet, you didn't and why? Because you were lacking something in yourself.
had a selfish thought that I had the right to explore myself,
Why did you feel entitled to do it at someone elses expense? Why did you have to explore yourself? Sounds like you were unhappy or lacking something?
to look for something new,
What? Sounds like you were looking for other people to fill something?
excitement, the adrenaline,
Why were you looking for that? Why weren't you happy with yourself? Filling that need in a healthy way? Or with your husband? Why couldn't you explore with him? Were you not confidant enough?
It's a feeling that you are in control,
Why did you need that control so much that you stabbed your husband in the back to get it? Why didn't you have control in your life?


SEE how it goes beyond just fun?

The hardest step is seeing the truth about yourself. No one wants to admit they lacked self respect, love, confidence, and esteem. If a BS thinks that is blameshifting or and excuse- too bad. It is the truth and you deserve to explore that in yourself and fix it. To be whole. This was your epic meltdown in your life. You deserve to heal your life and become someone you can be proud of and happy with.

How did the affair end? When was the last contact with the AP?


As Emma said, she restarts her life, hopefully a better person. It's just unfortunate, it's at the expense of the innocent one, but herein lies the tragedy of infidelity, and why we're all here, to help the victims and perpetrators. Never easy though. Especially threads like this one where a man's life will be emotionally and firguratively altered for life, for reasons of which he'll ask forever, how it came about and why him.
Well put Jorge.

Zugzwang posted 1/8/2020 16:04 PM

Just to put it this way, telling the truth doesn't destroy people. Choosing to stab them in the back (which you already did) hurts them.

survrus posted 1/8/2020 16:22 PM

Emma,

I suspect your H will have a strong reaction to the anal especially if you never did it with anyone before, he will never be able to reclaim that virginity.

SaddestDad posted 1/8/2020 16:40 PM

I'm not going to read through everything here, however, if you want to see just how damaging it is to deny sexual things to your BH as well as the full truth, feel free to read through the story on my profile and/or my thread.

Good luck.

faithfulman posted 1/8/2020 16:53 PM

Posted by saddest Dad:

I'm not going to read through everything here, however, if you want to see just how damaging it is to deny sexual things to your BH as well as the full truth, feel free to read through the story on my profile and/or my thread.
Good luck.

Hey Saddest Dad, the issue isn't that Emma denied her husband certain sexual acts that perhaps "push the limits" a bit for many people.

The issue is that after she denied these acts to her husband, as is her right, she engaged in them with her affair partner.

Maybe that's what you meant.

That should catch you up pretty good.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:15 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

SaddestDad posted 1/8/2020 17:19 PM

Maybe that's what you meant.

That's exactly what I meant. Ironically, after I posted that, I did read through everything.
And I would HIGHLY recommend making a list of everything that was sexually denied to him and given to AP, how many times - as well as anything that AP wanted that WASN'T given.

Put together a sexual bucket list for your BH's sake and willingly offer it all to him whenever/however often he wants during HB. Even if it does end in D, perhaps he'll be able to retain a bit of masculinity and not become a sheepish shell of a man.

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