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Heartbroken & Angry

Mandy2020 posted 1/3/2020 21:49 PM

Hi everyone,

I found this forum while trying to google my feelings, I found myself in a situation I didnít think possible and wondered if anyone had felt the same.

Iím on holiday for a big birthday celebration with my partner of nearly 8 years. This trip has been planned for around a year with the last two years spent speaking about doing something big.

Before landing I got WiFi and realised I had two private messages on my social media. Both from girls letting me know they had been seeing my partner for the last 2/3 months. They had only just discovered each other.

So for the last 2/3 months my partner has been cheating on me with two girls from his gym. Both are friend of each other but didnít find out about each other until my partner called it off with them both before this trip.

I feel blind sighted. I feel trapped. I feel confused as along with this revelation came hate, but I currently love him as much as I did.

Things havenít been the best over the last year, we dip in and out of romance to just ďliving and loving my best friendĒ. Anytime we had an argument it would be brought up and we would go back on the roundabout of trying and making it romantic and work for a bit then ultimately slight back to being lazy and comfortable.

I had noticed a difference in him over these last few months. I even comforted him one evening when he went on a night out and came home basically the next day. Turns out that was the first ďdrunkenĒ mistake. This lead to weekly meet ups, for what he says was just sex. Around 6 weeks later he started up with another girl from the gym too.

I have met both these girls at a gym party he invited me too, and knowing what I know now, one of them was already sleeping with him.

I feel sick, sad, angry and very lonely. This situation Iím currently in is also confusing, Iím on holiday almost a day away from home on a trip of a lifetime, with a man who has broken me.

Do I go home early? Do I stick it out? Itís been 5 days since finding out, lots of tears and questions. All which heís answered and apologies for. Says he wants me and that spark back, says heís willing to try.

No idea what to do. Anyone any advice of any kind?

Thanks in advance :)

Mandy

NEWPERSON posted 1/3/2020 22:49 PM

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation ,finding out that someone you have loved and trusted has betrayed you is one of the worst feeling.

Please go to the healing library this should assist you in what to do and what not to do and you will also receive a lot of advise and support from the great people on this platform.

This too shall pass.

hardtimesinlife posted 1/4/2020 00:32 AM

Mandy I wanted to pop in and tell you I'm sorry you are going through this. You've found the best place to help you heal from infidelity.

This must be so hard as you are on a vacation. You aren't alone. We are here for you.

Make sure to stay hydrated. Try to eat well. Many people cannot eat and that makes healing harder. Self care is very important right now. Keep reading and posting as much as you need. Weekends are slower here so be patient.

You don't have to make a decision right away. Whether you stay with him or leave is your decision but you don't have to rush it.

I'm sending you many hugs and positive vibes.

squid posted 1/4/2020 01:50 AM

Mandy,

First, welcome to SI - the best club nobody wants to be in.

Turns out that was the first ďdrunkenĒ mistake. This lead to weekly meet ups, for what he says was just sex. Around 6 weeks later he started up with another girl from the gym too.

Weekly meet ups are not mistakes. They are a series of calculated choices.

You haven't mentioned if you are married or have kids. If you're not then I highly suggest that you leave him immediately and run.

Serial cheaters are almost always lost causes.

He wants the spark back? So he feels he lost that "loving feeling" with you and he decides to seek validation in the bed of another woman? No amount of apologies will make him truly change. He is in full regret mode. He got blindsided by your discovery and is doing damage control.

I get that you've invested 8 years of your life with this person. But he has just shown you who he really is. Believe him. Don't let his excuses and minimizing sway you from seeing this side of him. Unless he's fully committed to changing himself then he will never be a safe partner for you.

So sorry you're here.

Mandy2020 posted 1/4/2020 05:01 AM

Thank you for your replies and kind words, Newperson:- Iím making my way through the library, hardtimesinlife:- thanks for responding, aware I donít need to make any choices right now but it does make me feel a bit pathetic that I canít jus remake a definitive choice and walk away.

Squid:- yep the first time I can see how it was a drunken mistake but he used it to lead onto other things. Thereís no excuse and heís aware of that. We are not married but live together and have a dog. Families intertwined also. Heís been so selfish and considered no ones feelings out with his own. He will break the news to our families on our return, they will be so disappointed.

This is just a position I didnít imagine myself in, and then any thought of this happening I use to think Iíd be so certain Iíd walk away instantly that the feelings I have shocked me that I hate as much as I love him right now. Love just hasnít left yet.

Thanks again :)

squid posted 1/4/2020 06:54 AM

any thought of this happening I use to think Iíd be so certain Iíd walk away instantly that the feelings I have shocked me that I hate as much as I love him right now. Love just hasnít left yet.

It takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head. You are in love with the person you thought he was.

I'm not saying he can't change. But a relationship spent waiting for the other shoe to drop doesn't sound like much of a relationship. I wish you luck.

allusions posted 1/4/2020 11:56 AM

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Finding out about your partner's infidelity is horrible but to find out on a big holiday trip away from home is even more disorienting.

He seems to like playing with fire. Having affairs with 2 different women he met at the same gym makes it highly likely they would find out about each other. Did he know they were friends?

It's quite possible he's been unfaithful with other women during your relationship. The only way you found out was because those women contacted you. When you get home, demand access to all of his computers, phones, email, social media accounts, and credit card statements so you can investigate. Don't give him a chance to delete anything. In fact, get his phone now and keep it away from him. He can use your phone if he really needs to legitimately contact soeone. If he balks at all that then you know he's hiding something.

Make sure you get tested for STDs.

sisoon posted 1/4/2020 13:07 PM

I donít need to make any choices right now but it does make me feel a bit pathetic that I canít jus remake a definitive choice and walk away.
Not pathetic at all ... it just means you are at least somewhat in touch with the reality that a relationship is complex.

I urge you to focus on yourself and on figuring out what you want. Once you know what you want, you can evaluate how attainable it is. But start with what you want.

I, too, wonder if your SO has cheated before. You may - probably will - want more info from him. The way he responds to your questions will say a lot about whether or not he's a good candidate for R. Of course, if you decide to dump him on the basis of the 2 ows, you won't have to ask any questions....

Are you still on holiday with him? If not, I assume you decided you wanted to leave - doing what you want is part of healing.

If you're still on holiday, again, what do you want? Do you want him to leave? Do you want to enjoy the holiday by yourself, whether he's there or not?

*****

Again, take care of yourself - lots of water, move your body, no recreational drugs, eat as healthily as you can, sleep as healthily as you can.

*****

Have faith in yourself to heal. Really.

FEEL posted 1/4/2020 15:55 PM

I am sorry you are here. When you first find out about an A is the opportunity for YOU to take control of yourself and make a very clear statement to your wayward partner.

If I were you I would leave your holiday an head home straight away, PERIOD. I know the idea sucks, but there can always be other holidays. You do not get a chance like this to make a huge statement to your wayward partner that this behaviour is totally unacceptable and you will not stand for it. He will see there are consequences to his actions and choices.

Leave and tell him that before you see him again, you want him to have gotten tested for STD's and have the report. Have him write out a full timeline, that you want him go for a polygraph to confirm his timeline to make sure there is nothing missing.

Once you have all of that information (and anything else you want) then take some time to think if you want to be around or not.

Beachwalker posted 1/4/2020 22:57 PM

Hi, Mandy. I am so sorry you have been put in this situation, but I am glad you found us here.

What a terrible time to learn this information, but is there ever a ďgoodĒ time? I am also a BS (Betrayed Spouse) so I fully understand and sympathize with you regarding how you feel right now. There are many of us here and we will help you as much as we can.

You have received very good advice so far. There is a saying here about advice: ďTake what you need, and leave the rest.Ē Only you know all the details of your situation, so only you can make the choices you feel are right for you. Everyone here wants you to live a happy, healthy life. You may hear conflicting advice from time to time, but everyone is bringing their experience to the table and wants to help you avoid the pain they have endured.

I hate to tell you this next part, but I will to help you prepare yourself. The mood swings can be horrible. Your brain is busy re-visiting all the information you have stored up there and is re-writing all the memories you have of your SO and your time together. It is changing the information to the ďnew truthĒ. You may find that you sleep a lot. Thatís OK. Your brain does most of its work when you are sleeping. You may find that you canít think straight for a while, or forget important details. This will pass in time. As you progress through the information gathering stages and your brain works on the re-programming process, things will start to look a little more clear. The emotions, though, are a totally different story!

Post often and keep us up to date. We will help you through this terrible ordeal. Just keep a few basic things in mind: First, NONE of this is your fault! He cheated on you without your consent or knowledge. He kept it hidden from you because he knew he was wrong. Second, right now, he is in CMA (Cover MY A$$) mode. He probably isnít truly remorseful about what heís done, just upset he got caught. Third, get yourself into IC (Independent Counseling). You will need professional help dealing with all this, and it really helps to talk to someone face-to-face. Reach out to friends or family for support, but be careful to not have the attitude of doing this to embarrass him. Yes, he deserves it, but it may push your support away.

And remember that here, you are not alone.

Mandy2020 posted 1/4/2020 23:12 PM

Hey everyone,

Thanks again for the responses and advice, itís a better feeling to not feel as alone. Sucks that anyone has had to go through this, but people get through it so thatís something.

I think I may stay the length of this trip, because I do feel I deserve to enjoy it, I might not do this type of trip again. Also going home would involve my family/money/longer travels and just a lot of stuff Iím not emotionally prepared for yet. Although in the next few days that could change and I might be. Itís an ever changing decision.

As soon as I am home, I will be going to the clinic and get myself checked out. My health is important, even if he did disregard it.

Most of our conversation come back to this, so I can see the majority of this trip as a way of getting anything else out if itís needed. He keeps saying thereís nothing left to hide and heís being honest. Itís just hard to believe. Adamant thereís nothing else new or before, and getting goes over his whys and his apologies and answers more questions even when he knows the answers hurt me. I just want nothing but the truth now, no matter the pain, I need it all.

In regards to the relationship before, I do truly believe it has been as amazing as Iíve known it up until the last year. Maybe thatís the naivety of me, but I look back and see the difference from the previous 7 to this year. The little and big things, and I know those years were wonderful and worth it.

Feels like a pathetic question but did anyone feel jealousy when they found out? It was an emotion I wasnít prepared for.

I have told one of my friends so far, and explained to my sister how heíll be moving out the day we arrive home. I havenít disclosed it all yet, I feel so embarrassed. I think I need another few days to get rid of the embarrassing feeling... if it ever will go.

Again appreciate all and any comments. Itís nice to have a place to vent and also hear peopleís experiences and opinions.

Thank you

The1stWife posted 1/5/2020 06:26 AM

He keeps saying thereís nothing left to hide and heís being honest. Itís just hard to believe. Adamant thereís nothing else new or before,

Lying is a typical cheater move. He may only admit to things you can prove.

If you want the truth and fully know you have all the details you may have to uncover it yourself. Like do a Dara recovery on his phone. Go back and check your Mobile phone love and see how long or far back he was contacting other women.

Let me give you an example of my cheating H. He came home one night and admitted the affair had started. He was honest or so I thought. Said it was nothing serious but he had some feelings for her. And they kissed that night.

Turns out the real truth was he had been interested in her for months and they had prior dates he disguised as business meetings. Then 10 days later he wants a Divorce (married 25 years). So this affair wasnít ďnothingĒ. He wants to dump me for someone he knew 6 months.

So all Iím saying is the last person you should trust or believe is the lying cheater!!!

Trickle truth - when the cheater slowly provides the truth over a period of days or weeks or months or years. Example: there is only this one person I cheated with - we didnít have sex. Next day the cheater admits they kissed but that was it! I swear! No sex. A week later the cheater admits to oral sex but only once. Thatís it. Long story short in three weeks you find out the affair had been ongoing for a year b/c the betrayed looks at phone logs or recovers texts or emails. And the hard evidence is something the cheater canít deny.

Just go in with your eyes wide open. Thatís all Iím saying.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:30 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]

BBBD posted 1/5/2020 06:43 AM

If youíre not married and donít have kids your families are not intertwined.

Donít fall into the sunk cost fallacy (ďwell, we already have 8 years together, I canít leave nowĒ).

Donít feel embarrassed. Heís the one that cheated. If people ask why youíre not together just say ďI couldnít get along with his GirlfriendsĒ

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