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A disabled, depressed madhatter that needs help

CantGetRight2020 posted 1/1/2020 18:16 PM

This is my first post, where do I start? I'm 26, it'll be 7 years of marriage in March with my H and I. He's military, and we married when we were 19 yo kids. We were best friends that was in love, and it was just us against the world. Due to health circumstances, I'm a stay at home wife and we have no children. Right now I just don't know what to do. I feel completely lost, it's like I'm living in a dreamlike state. My H comes home from work one day, about a month and a half ago, and shocks me with the news that he wants to divorce. I was completely blindsided, I had no idea he was unhappy. We went to a concert the weekend before and had a great time; we signed the title for our first home less than 2 months ago (which is currently being built); we've been shopping, out buying new pieces of furniture for our new home, all right up to the day before he said he wanted a divorce. Early in our marriage, I know I wasn't the best W. I loved him, I always have, but I was very immature. I didn't know how to communicate my feelings at the time, so I would seek comfort through validation and flattery from men, because that is what I was use to. I created several dating profile accounts out of retaliation from something he did to me. I also was inappropriately messaging an old fling on Facebook from back home while he was deployed for 7 months. I never intended on meeting anyone off of the sites, and I never did. I realize now I was struggling with my own self esteem, and should've seeked professional help at that time. Although I never physically cheated on him, my actions of deleting emails and texts understandably broke his trust. When he returned from his deployment he was very upset with me, but I was very ill. I was about 60 lbs (from an original weight of 125 lbs), which I believed scared him. Because when he left I was very healthy and health conscious; I worked out everyday and I had a really confident self image. This also baffled the doctors, but eventually led to the diagnosis of a very rare disease. I truly feel like I wouldn't be here if he was not there for me; He was there through all the tests and procedures, there through all the surgeries, but I could tell he was still holding some resentment towards me. I've spent many painful nights alone, throwing up bile in a trashcan, while he was out clubbing, getting drunk with friends. I just figured it was his way of coping with everything going on, so I just let it be. After the 4th surgery I tried to start working again, and our relationship was in an OK state; we've been married for a little over 3 years and we were fighting advisory together. I was feeling somewhat neglected, and dealing with self image issues. After such a dramatic weight loss, I looked completely different then how I grew up looking. I even deleted all my social media because I got tired of people asking "what happened". And my H was still going out any chance he could, so I definitely didn't feel like I was at my best. I got a little part time job cocktail serving at one of the casinos in the area, and I had a surpervisor that was always flirting with me. Instead of just rectifying the situation by checking the man and telling my H about it, I just let him do it. I fell back into an old habit of deleting texts, but I wasn't not being transparent with my H. I was truly sorry for my past actions and trying to be more open with my H. He was looking at my phone one day and a message popped up from my supervisor that upset him. I immediately stopped working with that supervisor and switched shifts after a huge fight, but my H shut down with anger. For a while he emotionally cut me off; the going out, getting drunk became way more frequent, verbal abuse became much worse (my H is a very sarcastic person), respect towards me out the window. There was one night where a police officer called me to pick him up so he wouldn't get a DUI, since he was in the military; he was pulled over at a gas station, passed out drunk in the driver's seat with the engine running. I stopped working all together not too shortly after because my last surgery ended up being unsuccessful. The lonely, painful, vomited filled nights became more frequent. There was one night where I had to receive an iron transfusion, and I really needed him to be with me because I was scared. He left and I ended up falling into anaphylactic shock. I felt that he was only staying out of obligation, and I started trying to do everything to correct my past and show him that I was dedicated to this marriage. And things were great for years, our relationship was going in such a positive trajectory. He got stationed to another base in a very large city, and things became even better. I started treatment for my illness at one of the best hospitals in the country, and we really enjoy all the things the city has to offer. He already had friends that were stationed here as well, and met great new people through his new base so he had no problem getting acclimated with the area. I unfortunately don't get to get out as much; I've had 3 more surgeries since moving here and starting treatment at the new hospital, I'm currently on disabilities and is unable to work. I didn't have any friends here, and its kind of hard for me to meet new people because of my illness. Plus we only have one car and live in a very suburban neighborhood. So I sometimes feel stuck in the house, but my H did a good job of trying to keep me company and introducing me to his friends Ws and GFs. He still had the tendency to go out a lot, but he would invite me if I was feeling up to it and we were spending a lot more time together. We got back to being the best friends that we were before. All the way up until August 2019; a dating profile popped up using my old pictures and my likeness under a student email at an online school that I was not currently enrolled in classes with. One that I did not create. Upon discovery my H immediately flew off the handle (understandable), and I looked him straight in the eyes and told him the truth. I did not do it. I immediately deleted it once he brought it to me, and I truly thought he believed me after we discussed it. Because even in the early years in our marriage when I was completely out of line, I never lied after being caught. And I have been working for years on myself and better communication with my H. I even saw counseling for myself at the new hospital. I had been doing everything I possibly could do to prove to him that I was 100% his W. So things resumed back to normal, until the day he came home and said he wanted a divorce in mid November. Since then, he has slept with at least one OW and has been on going out on dates with several. We still live together, he hasn't filed any official paperwork, we still have sex, and we still get along if we're not talking about our relationship. He sleeps mostly on the couch, but he sometimes sleeps in the bed with me. He goes whenever and does whatever he wants, and it just tears my heart apart everytime he picks up the phone or walks out the door at a random time because I know he's seeing OW. I'm currently getting all of my feedings through a tube, and I feel that there is nothing I can do to stop him. I've done everything I can think of to prove to him that I didn't create the last account; I took a polygraph test, I paid for 2 sessions of interventional therapy, we've spoke to the Chaplain on base, all since November. I even emailed the website's tech support and asked them to send me the IP address of the original creator of the account (something they can't provide without a court order). But I get that seeing the account, whether I created it or not, resurfaced old feelings. And now I'm paying for old sins. I really don't know what to do, I haven't even told anybody. I feel so alone and lost on everything. I'm really not sure about anything anymore, and I really need help.

[This message edited by CantGetRight2020 at 10:27 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]

Darkness Falls posted 1/2/2020 07:10 AM


First things first: why are you still having sex with someone who is having sex with other women, probably unprotected, and has no inclination to stop doing so? Especially for someone in fragile health, that is foolish. Do you really need an STD on top of your other issues?

I am sorry for your struggles and stress. It sounds as though your husband has chosen to move on with his life while on the surface remaining your husband in name onlyómaybe to not ďlook badĒ for leaving a wife who is in poor health. Itís up to you if you want to remain in such an arrangement. I wish you well.

Justsomelady posted 1/2/2020 12:11 PM

If you did not create the dating profile, how were you able to delete it? I guess I am confused.

Also - I am sorry you are here and going through this. Is there anyone you can open up to, a counselor? Could you both sit down with a pastor or someone to communicate? Has there been any one on one communication since August to get at anything deeply or is he ignoring?

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 12:12 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

CantGetRight2020 posted 1/2/2020 13:09 PM

I just had a temporary change of password sent to the student email, and got in that way. I'm going to see a counselor on the 8th. I've tried to sit him down and talk with him, with an online counselor and a pastor, but the conversations just led to arguments; They were more interventional if anything, but he's more so ignoring a real one on one sit down conversation.

Buck posted 1/2/2020 14:41 PM

FWIW, Iím a mad hatter too. Wife cheated first.

It sounds like your H is in the process of detracting from you. I would guess he likely would have divorced you if it wasnít for your health issues. I would wager heís waiting for your health to stabilize and then heís gone. Have you spoken to him about this?

IHatePickingName posted 1/2/2020 18:16 PM

I am sorry you are struggling. I agree with a previous poster that it seems like he is done. What have you done since the earlier dating app usage to become a safe partner? If you were still letting a supervisor flirt with you and hiding it from your husband, including deleting messages, until he caught you, it doesnt sound like you were ever safe. I dont blame him for not believing you now, sorry.

Your timeline is a bit confusing to follow the way you wrote it, but it seems like he came back from being deployed and had to immediately recover from your infidelity while also supporting you through serious health issues. I dont see where you helped him heal. I see you being critical of him for going out, for verbal abuse (was it or was it his venting his pain after your infidelity?), For not respecting you after catching you again demonstrating poor boundaries, and for drinking. Look, i did every one of those except go out clubbing after dday. That sounds exactly like a trauma response. My husband was remorseful and is working his ass off to be safe, so i am recovering, but if you didnt do that, the of course he acted that way.

I may be totally alone in this (and as a MH, its possible my thinking is wayward in this regard. i havent done a lot of my own work yet) but i dont know if i would call what he is doing cheating. He told you he wants a divorce, moved to the couch, started dating. Continuing to have sex with you doesnt negate that. I had sex with my husband after i told him i was divorcing him too. It wasnt a smart choice, but it happened. You should stop the sex though since you know he is having sex with other women. The last thing you need is an STD.

CantGetRight2020 posted 1/3/2020 00:55 AM

Thank you everyone, I really do appreciate an outside outlook on things.

I do agree, he really didn't have time to process after his deployment. And we never really did discuss things. There was really bad communication between us during his deployment, and he has told me that during that time he was out living his life. (He got deployed to a beautiful island.) I never questioned him or the situation, I figured he deserved some stress free time to himself after the dumb shit I did with the dating profiles. But as the months went by, I was getting sicker and sicker by the day, struggling with physical pain, anxiety, and loneliness which led to what I did on Facebook. (Not an excuse, just my thoughts at the time.) And when we got back we never did actually sit down and talk about anything; the things he did, how either of us was feeling at the time, were never discussed. We were forced to put it on hold because of my health circumstances, but we never did properly examine the problems. When I came home from the 3rd surgery, I did everything I physically could do for him. I became a much more loving, doting wife to him. As soon as I started feeling a little better I started working to take the load off. But I realize now that I was struggling with my own battles of inferiority and unworthiness. After the incident with my supervisor and the 4th surgery, I really worked on myself. I really dug deep to figure out why I did the things I did, my mind state. I endlessly researched ways to healthily become a more whole, happy person for myself to better serve my husband. I allowed him to vent in his own ways without being critical, showing him as much love as he wanted to receive from me and creating a warm, loving environment at home to comeback to. I welcomed his friends with open arms. And after a while, the love we had for one another really came back. Then it started growing; we started sharing a lot more new experiences with each other, making plans for our future in the new city. All while still continuing to be my best self for him, I saw a professional when we moved. Things were great for years after, then the fake page popped up in August. And when I told him I didn't do it, I really thought that was the end of it, because we've gotten so far in our relationship and as people in general. The page went away and we went back to living our happy lives together. It was truly out of my mind, and I thought it was out of his. We purchased our first home, we been out at furniture and paint stores. Things were still going up for us, then he just comes home one Monday in November and says he wants a divorce.

mondas posted 1/4/2020 00:34 AM

Tbh , it does feel like you are trying now because you are disabled and you need him rather than loving him for who he is .

Also, if he found someone that did showed interest in him , he maybe moving on to find someone who respect him.

I probably recommend having a long heart to heart if you want a chance

ShutterHappy posted 1/4/2020 03:56 AM


I see 3 components to your story:
1. The emotional cheating you have done (online account etc...)
2. Lack of support during your illness (marital issues)
3. You husband currently engaged in an ongoing affair.

Plenty of people here, on the wayward side, can help you with #1. #2 is very sad, but doesnít relate to infidelity. So, Iíll comment on #3 as if you had posted in JFO.

Your WH is currently engaged in an active affair. The first thing you should do is stop having sex with him. There are STD risks and you should be tested. Given the health issues you have, getting an STD is probably not a good idea.

Then you should detach. If you look at the yellow square, top left, you will see the healing library. Read about the 180. You need to detach from your WH, so that you take the best decisions for YOU, not clouded by your love for your husband. The 180 is for you to gain clarity, not to force your WH to do anything

You can be his wife and he can be your husband, but NOT while he has a GF and is keeping a 3rd party in your marriage. He canít have a GF, want a divorce, and still have a wife a home. It doesnít work that way.

Do you know the OW? Is she married? If yes, inform the OBS right away. Itís the right thing to do.

Also consider this: if your WH is broken enough to have an affair, and has been clubbing for a while, there might be more to the story. He might have been cheating on you for longer than you think and with more women than you think.

Make sure you understand that itís not ok for him to date other women while married to you regardless of the fact that you have been flirting with other men on dating sites.

Some people might say that heís "done", but how can he be "done" but still living with you and have sex with you? This is not the SchrŲdinger's cat. He canít be married and divorced at the same time.

Finally, because your WH is asking for a D, go see a lawyer or 3 and learn your rights.

He wants a divorce? He wants a wife and a GF? No. Stop being his wife. Start the D process.

Post often, you have been heard

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:31 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

FoenixRising posted 1/4/2020 21:35 PM

Well said shutter.

Iíll add, just go one day at a time right now but letting go of the outcome and figuring out how to be independent (especially in regards to your health) needs to your focus.

Chin up... there ARE brighter days ahead.

CantGetRight2020 posted 1/5/2020 00:18 AM

Thank you ShutterHappy and FoenixRising, I'm really trying to keep pushing. I'm just finding it very hard to do because I really miss my Hs company and I feel like all of this shit is my fault..

ShutterHappy posted 1/5/2020 06:26 AM


It is the dilemma we, BS, face every time. We love them, we keep on loving them, and they hurt us, they keep on hurting us. We want the pain to stop so we have to detach.

Right now, your WH is abusing you. Distance yourself. Seek help and support from friends and family. Seek IC fo become a safe partner in the future (whoever that might be).

Have you met with a lawyer yet?

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