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WS welcome.. I did the right thing and it was trigger

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RocketRaccoon posted 1/14/2020 19:30 PM


Not going to bash you here, all that I will say is that you slipped, you realized it, and now you are angsty (rightly so) over it.

As long as you learn from this, you will be ok.

Just a guide for priorities in life, would you value holding onto a customer higher, or your family higher? Rhetorical question, and I think you have your answer already.

Edit: typos

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 7:30 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

foreverlabeled posted 1/15/2020 06:23 AM

Is it common practice to give your personal number to clients? I suppose I could see that happening if you were moving to a new location. However, you've been at this current location for almost a decade. I'm just wondering why he has it to begin with. And if it was a recent exchange.

I would also suggest that you retrieve the deleted texts, for your BHs peace of mind. Imagine how quickly he could recover from this huge trigger if he had proof that you did what you say you did. It would be beneficial for you as well because anytime you can build trust, which it would, is a win for everyone when infidelity hits a marriage.

Our biggest job in the aftermath is to become a safe spouse. That means the work on ourselves but also in regards to our spouse things like actions showing that you are willing to go the extra mile with honesty, transparency, accountability. You came here asking for advice and many have said just that, go the extra mile. Yet, you dismiss the one thing that will help him most and just thank us for our time.

Another thing that is bothersome to me is you keep repeating that it's been years since your A. I don't think you grasp that it doesn't matter so much how long it's been. This as unfortunate as it is, is apart of your M now. Distance helps yes, healing too, but when a trigger hits I imagine it takes our BSs back to the trauma they once lived. I would hope all of us could understand that and put ourselves back there too and treat the situation with the care and attention it deserves.

jb3199 posted 1/15/2020 06:51 AM

Let me tell you a little episode that happened yesterday at work.

A young receptionist just dealt with a customer who was in our store the night before. She is upper twenties, and he is maybe early sixties. It was their first time dealing with each other. Then the next morning, he called and asked for her personal number. She was confused and uncertain what to say, but obviously did not want to give her number out.

I hear the manager ask what line he is on. I hear him take the phone, and ask the customer for his own daughter's personal cell phone number. That this is a place of business, and shouldn't be calling here asking for customer's personal numbers....especially after one 5 minute interaction.

The point is--shut it down quickly....especially if it is NOT something that you are looking to do. That is what we call a FIRM boundary.

cainsite posted 1/17/2020 15:54 PM

Two things here:

1) I hate when someone says "I can't do that because I'm married".
The underlying message here is that you might do something if you were not married. Meaning that you may have interest, this is only going to encourage the perpetrator. Say, No! Let them know this is out of line and totally unacceptable.

2) This guy is a predator. I can guarantee he has done this to others, maybe a lot younger and more vulnerable than you. It is illegal to send unsolicited nude pictures! You should (and still can) have gotten the police involved.

Zugzwang posted 1/17/2020 16:33 PM


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