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Trying to stay strong.

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Robert22205https posted 12/28/2019 08:14 AM

Just a note: you are the victim of her infidelity. Do not let her minimize or divert attention away from her infidelity.

Reclaim the decision to divorce as yours (not hers).

Do not let her dismiss her infidelity and reframe this as "we were having marriage issues" so she decided to divorce.

The fact is:

"She was unfaithful to you with 'xyz' and you are divorcing her."

BBBD posted 12/28/2019 11:27 AM

The following response will do.
“Sorry, I don’t water dead flowers”

sisoon posted 12/28/2019 11:55 AM

We can go without food for a lot longer than we can go without water. Stay hydrated.

Do you have one or more goals for counseling? My strongest reco is to stay out of therapy unless there's something you want to change about yourself. The change can be trivial, but if there's nothing you want to change, counseling is a waste of time, IMO.

A corollary to that is: even if you know something about yourself that you should change, you might not want to change. That's OK ... just don't waste resources in IC unless you want to change.

Also, you're new to this. You may find yourself to be very messed up when some more of the dust settles. If you find yourself overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings, a good IC will be able to help you get control of your thoughts and feelings.


I don't give a rat's ass about how I looked, and I recommend ignoring optics.

What counts is staying true to yourself. It looks like you're doing that. That's the best way to recover.

KingofNothing posted 12/28/2019 12:34 PM

If you go the counseling route, frame it for trauma and grief counseling. You didn’t do anything wrong here, you were the victim.

Your wife’s reasons seem incredibly terse and simple for such a monumental decision as divorce. I hate to be “that guy” like you see all over Reddit, but she had her mind made up and this break was rehearsed in advance. She’s checked out, and full blown in an AF with someone, likely the AP. Is he single?

On the plus side, she is respecting your wish for NC. I support your decision and think you are doing the right things. She doesn’t deserve any special consideration, you do not need to maintain her fictional description of why your marriage dissolved. Tell anyone that asks the truth. People probably won’t ask, of course. Just block her on everything.

I agree with Robert. Move back to the town you came from and resume your old friendships. Stay involved in climbing, be out there and open to new things. All you need to worry about now is yourself. Be the best self you can be. It’s not about hating her, or revenge, it’s about surviving.

Rustylife posted 12/28/2019 17:05 PM

Similar age when my divorce happened. So far you've done things as well as can be expected. Other than eating well. Order a pizza if you don't feel like preparing something.

Things most people do "wrong" when this happens:
Get drawn into long winded arguments through their phones.
Ask for a solid reason as both of you know that what she said was horseshit.
Ask for joint counseling and a chance to work on the marriage.

These are all the things I did. But I still find myself here. Divorced. So if you feel like baring your soul out as a last ditch grand olive branch to save a bond that was far more valuable to you, I'd suggest to skip it. Will save yourself a lot of indignity.

HeyItsMe posted 12/28/2019 20:26 PM

I managed to hold out for almost a week of little to no contact. We texted back and forth to figure out vehicles, and other important things, but other than that we haven't spoken.

Until tonight... I wrote her a long email, explaining to her the extreme level of selfishness and betrayal she exhibited. I wasn't apologetic. I wasn't overly aggressive, just listed out factual statements and how certain events effected me.

I know I probably shouldn't have, but it does feel like getting a little bit of closure. Until now I hadn't really expressed what I was feeling to her, I didn't want to give her the satisfaction.

Even though it was probably unwise, it feels like a small weight was been lifted from my chest. She texted me back right away, said she was writing a reply, and we continued to text for a couple hours about dealing with cars, finances, living arrangements etc.

We're both completely on-board with doing this outside of a state-mandated asset split, now we're just figuring out the specifics.

It's strange. I read online all these statements of people going through the grieving process over months, or years. I'm not saying I'm totally fine, and I know I wont be for a while, but I can see myself moving on in a few short months.

Thanks, in large part, to the support I've received here. The first few days, I made a conscious effort to "Steer in to the skid." so to speak. Whenever I felt pain coming on, I would focus on it entirely. Let the mind-shattering pain overwhelm me. I wouldn't let the thought go that caused this pain, until it stopped hurting.

After 2 days of this, I found fewer and fewer thoughts and memories caused grief strong enough to make me stop whatever I was doing. Even as I sit here now, thinking back on the last week, I'm getting those same pangs of pain coming back, but they're only 1/10 the strength they once were.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's a long ways away, but I know it's there, and it gives me hope.

Organic2003 posted 12/29/2019 00:03 AM


I just wanted to say that as an employer of 1000's over the years I would always drool when a 30 something was looking to get hired. Women also love a 30 year old male they instinctively know you are just starting to get your shit together.

You have so much to look forward to, please RUN from this women, you don't have children. Trust me you do not want to be near a toxic cheater. The weight of her will drag you down for the rest of your life. My son was cheated on twice in his twenty's and has now "struck gold" with his fiancee.

Take care of yourself, please eat, drink water for your brain and try to workout. Be near friends and family if possible. (((HeyItsMe))) It will get better.

HeyItsMe posted 12/29/2019 08:35 AM

Thanks, Organic.

I've been thinking for a while now on whether to stay or go. Keep my job or quit. And just generally what to do next.

I think I've finally landed on staying right where I am, and just carrying on with a new life.

I may have moved her for her, but I do like this area, so far. And I may have gotten this job to support both of us while she was in school, but it's not a bad job and it pays damn well.

If I leave now, It's incredibly unlikely that I'll find a job that provides me with a wage:expenses ratio that I've found here.

I signed up for PoF last night. Not expecting to use it much at all for the next couple months, more an exercise in reminding myself this is going to be the next step. Definitely a mixed bag of emotions from it, but all in all felt good to be moving forward.

I've found the things that help me feel the best, now that a lot of the hardest grieving is over, is taking steps in positive directions. Signing up for PoF, opening a new bank account, Figuring out the specifics of finances. Pretty much anything that takes me a step closer to being completely finished with this whole mess.

[This message edited by HeyItsMe at 8:39 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]

Robert22205https posted 12/29/2019 09:57 AM

You'll also find that anything (a treat) that is just for you or building a new life helps. For example,

-gym & massage
-new car
-new clothes
-new furniture (bed)

In the interim, be prepared for an email from her rewriting your marriage to justify a divorce (and to divert attention from her infidelity).

It's likely the OM will eventually dump her after graduation. Be prepared for her to reach out again when that happens.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 10:10 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]

Cash posted 12/30/2019 19:21 PM


My wife and I dated for 1 year, were engaged for 1 year before we were married. She was a virgin when we met and I was a wildling in the Marines. After I got out we were already engaged, but when we moved in together our relationship became toxic. We fought all the time, broke up and made up.

After a fight one time she became a litte violent, I left ended up at a party and I cheated on her. I was 22, tired of fighting and somebody filled the role of "comfort and respect"....this is no excuse though - I was wrong, I felt bad afterwards and confessed the next day. She had an emotional breakdown and went into a depressive state. She did not get out of the bed for 5 days, wouldn't eat, a total mess. I took care of her, we patched things up and ended up getting married a few months later. I gave her clamidia (sorry for spelling) and we had to get treated during this time.

We married, and we became a Christians. I stopped drinking and smoking and became a better person. We tried for 5 years to have a child but no success. We bought a house and were building a life together. I began to neglect her emotionally, she was very needy because of the lack of a child and we were kind of just there. I worked 3rd shift and she worked 9-5, we really only saw each other on the weekends. She met someone at work and they had an affair for about 3 months. I saw signs but ignored them, eventually I knew. I called her mother and expressed my concern and she said she would talk to her. About two weeks later she came to me crying, saying she has something to tell me. I told her not to say it, that I already knew and forgave her (I prayed alot during those days).

A year later we did fertility treatment, and conceived our first child. Two years later, another one came along. We eventually ended up with 3 boys and a girl. A couple of months ago, all of these thoughts flooded me about her having an affair 15 years ago (I had suppressed the memory and never thought about it before). So I asked her about it. At first she played dumb, then she brought up when I cheated and wanted details that I never gave. Then when I continued to ask her, she told me about the affair.


She said at the time, I did not spend alot of time with her. And a guy was being really nice to her at work. She said that she only let him do oral on her in the back of his car. I did not believe the story, so I asked again the next day. She told me that she had sex three times with him in the back of his car, I didn't believe that one either. So I took what details I had and told her the story didn't add up. So she told me they had sex in the house while I was at work at night. They did it without protection, and she could have gotten pregnant - after 5 years of us trying. She said the sex wasn't great, but that she was going to leave me for him. The only reason she didn't is he was just in it for the sex. So she broke it off with him. I asked where in the house, and she said in the back room. He would be there when I called her some nights. I asked for more details, but the more I got the more my heart was breaking. I asked her why she didn't tell me the truth when I first asked and she said she didn't want to hurt me. She said he couldn't get it up half of the time (I don't believe that), and that she never had an orgasm. I still feel as if she didn't tell me everything, but am trying to move on. We have talked, cried, and made passionate love for 8 weeks (almost everyday, sometimes two times). But multiple times a day I think about her affair. Sometimes I can shake it, and sometimes I find myself looking through forums to relate to people, as I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it. Can anyone answer these for me?

Is cheating in the marriage any worse than cheating before marriage?

Is cheating inside the home supposed to hurt worse?

She says he "couldn't keep it up" is this a common excuse that should not be trusted?

Does this pain go away?

Do these thoughts of my wife and another man in my house ease up?

I want to know the whole truth, but how do I know when I have it?

Thanks for listening, I think I feel better.

Buster123 posted 12/31/2019 03:23 AM

Cash you need to open your own thread in the general forum since you are what we call a "madhatter" (you also cheated on her), btw those are common questions.

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/8/2020 13:49 PM

I really think she is back with the AP. When is her graduate program finished?

Butforthegrace posted 1/8/2020 13:55 PM

I'm curious to know what she said in her reply to your email.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/9/2020 08:50 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation Hey. Glad to hear that you're working hard at moving on with your life. The idea is to make your life better and happier than it has ever been. You have a great life ahead of you; take full advantage of it. Embrace your freedom and take your life back. You're worth the effort. You'll see in the years to come that the trash taking itself out was the best thing that could have ever happened for you. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

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