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Somewhat just found out

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Dispirited posted 12/21/2019 20:58 PM

Ok- unless I may missed something...you had a same sex relationship and then your partner wound up with a male? Again, forgive me as usually particulars don't escape me. So- non-assuming with anything, is this a same-sex relationship that suddenly turned heterosexual?

I apologize if my brain suddenly was short-circuited:)

Dispirited posted 12/21/2019 21:34 PM

No matter whether a heterosexual relationship or not, the end result is betrayal. Trust has been broken and that's the basis here-as most would most likely say, 'I trusted him/her'. And then comes the deception. The secretive BS that undermines any supposed love for that person.

And I always think and say this...'if' you reverse roles/situations, I would dare anyone in that situation to simply scoff at it. And very simply...part of the problem with infidelity is that inability not only to engage human impulse and crave the 'cake", but also to reverse the roles and ask: "So- you would be ok with this?" yet, when in that mindset, there is no rationale or logic. Why? because it's all about the person engaging in infidelity and often they don't give a fuck about anyone other than themselves. As if they are entitled to their impulses while their supposed devotee experiences such a harrowing and life-changing experience.

But...they don't get that. So we attempt to rationalize (oh no- not that person I trusted...it just can't be!)yes- it is..and like you, myself, and sadly too many people here we insisted on trusting while the reality showed its ugly face.

Everyone is different, but the common theme is NOT. There is always a choice to walk away if it's that bad. When you bring on a 3rd party, then you're simply eating your cake. not rocket science:)

LongWayDown posted 12/21/2019 22:15 PM

Not same sex, I am male and she is female, she had an affair with a guy married to another woman.

I am planning on going to counseling, I have told her we need to do the same. I told he she needs to make a decision on this, and we are not going to sit around in limbo.

Buster123 posted 12/21/2019 23:05 PM

Sorry that you're here but I'm glad you found us, we've seen this play out literally THOUSANDS of times, there's a saying here on SI that "you have to be willing to lose your M in order to save it", all this time you've been doing the "pick me dance" which NEVER works and makes you look weak, your WW is not a good candidate for R by a very long shot, right now you're her plan B, do not accept that, she wants to test drive OM and if it doesn't work out maybe come back to you, DO NOT ALLOW this, if there's a chance to R you should do the basics such as: EXPOSE her A with ALL family and close friends without warning and file for D and have her served at work, make it crystal clear to her you won't be willing to just let her move in with OM and wait for her, make it real, D takes a long time and can always be stopped if she comes around, ends her A, send an NC FOREVER text to OM (that you approve and watch hit send, no sweet goodbyes), offers full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords and starts doing the work to help restore the M SHE destroyed with her huge betrayal.

Full exposure typically removes the "beautiful and romantic aspect of the A" and replaces it with ugliness and embarrassment. Also one of them needs to leave the job, otherwise the A will probably just go deep underground again or resume in the future, if OM doesn't get fired after exposure with HR, then your WW would have to quit and find another job (she may get fired too after exposure but that's a card you should play if you want to try to break the A cycle and dynamics). If D papers and full exposure don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, if so, just let the D run its course and get out of infidelity, btw don't forget to get tested for STDs.

Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial time, you've tried your way, now listen to the collective wisdom of SI, those who act quick and decisive typically have the best results.

notanotherchance posted 12/21/2019 23:09 PM

Sorry dbl post

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 11:10 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]

notanotherchance posted 12/21/2019 23:09 PM

My man you need to stop allowing your WW to decide anything except to end her A with the OM effective like now. If she doesn't agree then you need to file for D. There is no maybe involved in the decision. as you found out after your last DD your WW is neck deep in a sexual affair with another man and there is no chance of it ending without some consequences. There is never a good time to file for D however there are times its warranted like when a wife decide to start having sex with another man, professes her love for said AP and refuses to stop having sex with her AP.
Sending strength

squid posted 12/21/2019 23:12 PM


Know this, if nothing else i LOVE my wife with every fiber of my being. I would die for her. She is my only friend, and my beacon of light.

I get that you love her. But she does not feel for you the way you do for her. Her actions are all the evidence you need. And the more you pine for her and allow her to walk all over you the more she will be repelled by you. She has lost all respect for you.

She wants to think about things? This 100% means she is still in the A. Stop engaging her. Talk to her only about kids and finances. Don't be plead or beg.

I am planning on going to counseling, I have told her we need to do the same. I told he she needs to make a decision on this, and we are not going to sit around in limbo.

What you are doing is the Pick Me Dance. You cannot, and I mean EVER, nice a wayward back. Again, this only repels them.

What they will respect is that you have firm boundaries that you enforce. And sure as shit, NOT fucking other men should be boundary #1. She has crossed that line and has not made any clear commitment to you or your marriage.

Limbo stops when you say it stops. Lawyer up and get your ducks in a row. Then give her an ultimatum. Either she stops all contact with this person IMMEDIATELY, or you file.

If she values you or or marriage she will stop. Otherwise, you will at least know what the next steps should be (divorce) and you will no longer be in limbo.

Remember, you're sharing your house with a stranger now. Your wife is gone. The person that is there now is your enemy.

You can't sit around. You must take action.

Good luck.

[This message edited by squid at 11:20 PM, December 21st, 2019 (Saturday)]

Buster123 posted 12/21/2019 23:12 PM

I have told her we need to do the same. I told he she needs to make a decision on this, and we are not going to sit around in limbo.

Stop being reactive and waiting on her moves, take control of the situation, she made the DECISION to cheat on you and has told you she wants to move in with OM, what else do you need to take action ? EXPOSE her TONIGHT with ALL family and close friends, tell them you need their support because your WW is having an affair with POSOM (name him), also EXPOSE OM with HR tomorrow, and serve her with D papers without warning, right now you need to act decisively, shock and awe may do the trick, or not, but at least you will be taking steps to get out of infidelity regardless of the outcome.

TheGuy123 posted 12/21/2019 23:54 PM

Why should she change? You aren't going anywhere.

What have you done to make her second guess her choices? What have you done to make her think twice in what she is about to lose?

You busted her once and she took the risk to continue the A and knowing the risk of losing you is so low she keeps her boyfriend around.

I think she has it made....her boyfriend can use her anyway he wants and she takes it...her husband can be used anyway she wants and he takes it. I'm guessing you and the other man are fighting for her and she loves it.

She is not going to push you away because you are meeting a need she has. No matter how much emotional abuse she gives you she knows how to keep you around.

She is good at the manipulation...hell she got her boyfriend to risk his own marriage knowing you were still in the picture. Wow she knows how to get what she wants no matter who gets hurt.

You sure picked a winner...

I know your pain and I'm sorry.

If you want to get out of infidelity don't count on your chick to help you get there.

The manipulation is strong in this one.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 11:56 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]

Marauder posted 12/22/2019 01:05 AM

NEVER, never do the pick me dance. Absolutely don't. Also, you shouldn't trust her. Not then, not now, not going forward. She has already proven herself to be a liar and cheat. Do the 180, and if the other woman doesn't know she's being cheated on inform her immediately.

[This message edited by Marauder at 1:07 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

FG215 posted 12/22/2019 01:22 AM

Hey.. this post had my heart racing. I so feel you. The confusion within all of the drama hits home for me.

Just saying. I envy how much you love your wife. (I wish)

Wishing you the best of luck.

ShutterHappy posted 12/22/2019 03:51 AM


First your anger, itís good that you got it under control, always keep it that way no matter what happens.

Second, being mean and not talking to your wife is a marital problem. The adult way to resolve this is to talk about it, or to divorce. What is hard to understand is that cheating is not a marital problem, itís her being broken; itís 100% on her.

Imagine your WW and you are arguing about money. Then you decide to solve it by robbing a bank and shooting a clerk in the process. Is that your WW fault? Of course not. In that example, thereís only one broken person.

No matter how much fighting and arguing and how much of a unhealthy marriage there was, the DECISION to cheat is a 100 % on the cheater.

Once you understand that, you can move forward.

What probably happened is that your WW was depressed, a guy at work saw that, took the opportunity to take advantage and have an affair with a woman much younger than him. Heís in it for sex, sheís in it for validation and sheís in "love" with him. Letís be clear: None of this excuses her letting a man in your marriage. Thereís always people around looking for having an affair with a married man/woman and it is our job, as a spouse, to defend the marriage.

After you asked her to break it, she couldnít do it because sheís "in love". Some people call it the fog, or the land of rainbows and unicorns.

But what can you do?

Well, you have to get out of infidelity. As long as youíre in it, you will be in pain. You can get out of infidelity either through Reconciliation or Divorce.

Wait you say... "I love her, I canít D her†". The thing is... staying in infidelity is a lot more painful than D.

So, like the others have said, take control of the situation. Stay calm but firm. You demand that your WW:
- leave her job.
- send an NC letter to her AP.
- give you access to all electronic devices
- IC for her to discover her whys
- STD testing
- written timeline
- timeline to be verified by a poly.

If she doesnít agree to all this, you do the 180 to detach, and meet a lawyer to file for D.

You will never be out of your pain unless she agrees to all of the above.

Donít wait for her to take any decision. When you are married, you donít get to bring someone else in the marriage. Marriage is not a buffet where you pick and choose between your husband and the latest shiny new BF. There is no such choice.

A spouse is either committed to a marriage or he/she is not.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:53 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Buffer posted 12/22/2019 04:46 AM

Brother, the shifty club where no one wants to be.
You love a cheating WW who unfortunately has her head up her own ass!
Cheaters lie, look at her she has lied for over a year about her relationship with this man.
First off, get tested for STDs/STIs like now. No more boom boom until this is done!
They arenít practicing safe sex. Can she be pregnant to him? Demand, not ask but demand she do the same STD/STI and pregnancy test.
She has willingly put you at risk. This isnít her OMMs first affair!
Like cockroaches affairs thrive in the dark. Shine a light on it. Tell HR they are in a work place romance. Her employer could be liable for sexual harassment etc.
Tell your and her friends about her action and duration of the lies. She does not have to give her permission about this, speak up for yourself. She has brought a third party into your marriage without your knowledge or permission.
She has been actively deceiving you, she isnít in the same marriage you are in. Speak up! Regardless of the time of year.

Have you been married long? Could you seek an annulment?
Are you in IC? If not get into it. Donít do any MC until you are ready.

Start the 180 process now. She has to be accountable for her action, not just get to do as she pleases, regardless of how much you love her.
You have the right to to be in a relationship that you want, that is to be respected and or loved, she isnít showing you that.
Speak to a lawyer now, know your rights. If she moves out there are again legal and financial responsibilities that she has.
Listen to the folks here, they have experience in these matters, made the same mistakes and have learned from them.
Some advice wonít suite you, some will.

One day at a time.


[This message edited by Buffer at 4:49 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

GoldenR posted 12/22/2019 07:05 AM

You want the affair to end?

Expose her.


To everyone...their work. Her family. His family. Mutual friends. Church elders if you go.

And sit back and watch their house of cards crumble.

Then file and serve her. Tell her she has until the day it's final to convince you to call it off. If she does nothing, then you're better off.

Odonna posted 12/22/2019 14:08 PM


Indeed, I warned you you might be surprised about what you hear here. And the posters are correct: swift decisive action is the best tool you have now. It is very hard to do this for some, however, when all you want is the marriage back and to continue. The BS can be afraid to do this because.... what if they have to follow through? They do not want D so they do not want to draw that line and then have to proceed.

I think this may be where you are now, and you want a little time to catch your breath. I get it. The problem is that leaves you in limbo and her calling the shots to decide if the marriage will continue. She did it before and you stayed. And she got better at lying and deceiving you.

Find a place to be alone and make this speech out loud: ďI love you, and I always dreamed we would always be together. But your having snuck another man into our marriage, and deceiving me all this time, is gutting me and my love for you. I cannot allow you to choose what happens to me in my life now. If you cannot choose me right now and without hesitation, then I must choose to divorce you. I will start this process tomorrow if necessary.Ē See how that feels coming out of your mouth. Put it in your own words. Can you say it to her?

Rehearsing this will tell you more about how you really feel and give you some better insight into her as well. Would you really want someone who could do this to you and keep you hanging in agony, and waffle about what ďsheĒ wants?

Talk to a counselor about all this too. Because this is the only real avenue for keeping the marriage. Rug-sweeping with an ambivalent Spouse is a much worse hell than divorce.

[This message edited by Odonna at 2:12 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

FEEL posted 12/22/2019 16:02 PM

You are playing the "pick me" dance. You can say what you want about your behavior and what you have done in the past. This may be reason for your wife to have left the marriage, but this is NO reason for her to cheat. The way you are approaching this by playing the pick me dance, you are enabling her behavior to continue in this manner. If you have not already you may want to consider IC.

beenthereinco posted 12/23/2019 08:23 AM

I firmly believe she would move in with this guy and realize he isn't as great as she thinks. I asked her what she would do, and she said "I would live on my own I guess, you'd never take me back." That isn't necessarily true, because I love my wife that much.

This is your WW testing out the idea that she gets to go try on the OM for a bit and see how it works out. She is checking with you to see if her safety net is going to stay in place. I believe she is playing you. I'm sorry. She has a plan to move in with the OM. There is something she is waiting for, maybe he is getting something legally in place, maybe she is planning something legal, maybe it is just Christmas. Who knows. But when she says she is not sure if she is moving out that is a lie. She has a plan. It only includes you in so much as she wants to make sure she has a backup. Wake up here.

I am sorry. Don't think I'm being harsh. I just want you to see what is happening. One thing that she mentioned is that she would "help" you with the mortgage for awhile. Don't settle for her gift of help. I'm assuming she is on the mortgage with you? She is legally obligated just like you. She doesn't get to decide what she helps with. That is a court decision. Do you make more money than her? I would almost guarantee that she has already spoken with an attorney. Probably the one that her AP is using in his divorce. You need to wise up here or you are going to be taken for a ride. Talk to an attorney now. Understand that she can't just leave and decide what she wants to "help" with. She is going to have to split debts and do what a court says.

I know you have been trying to control your anger for some time and I applaud the effort but frankly right now you need to find just a bit of it and let it drive you to some action. You are being far too passive here.

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/9/2020 09:38 AM

You have to be willing to kill your marriage to save it, and right now you are doing everything wrong.

If you continue on this path the 3 of you might as well move in together, and share your wife with him. At least then you will get to have her part of the time.

You do realize that this man is the "Kind" father figure to her that she never had...

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 9:38 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 1/9/2020 09:48 AM

You are making her a priority when you donít even appear to be an option to her.

Guess what that gets you?

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