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Can our [28M] [29F] short marriage really not be saved, or is my

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Beachwalker posted 1/28/2020 20:53 PM

Every situation is a little bit unique, so you will have to decide the best route to take. Overall, though, I agree in telling the in-laws, and in person.

I think Cooley has a good idea. Maybe follow that up with, ďDo you have any questions for me?Ē If they have heard from the WW and are going to side with her no matter what, all you might get is bludgeoning, at which point you politely excuse yourself and go home. However, they may ask you things that have been on their minds. You never know how people are going to react to such news.

throwmeawaynow98 posted 1/29/2020 01:48 AM

Beachwalker

Thank you, I do agree with an in-person meeting. It's tricky because as close as I have been, my WW asked me to stop communicating with her family. I'm afraid if I text or email them then she will know. But again, others have said to expose her and blow her up, others have said to think about the "why".

My reasoning comes down to they should know ALL the reasons for her leaving me and not just her side of the story, especially because they do have an inkling and quite frankly I had them alone in November and could have said "actually, WW did tell me everything and I do know about this coworker she has feelings for".

I already kick myself because maybe she'd have snapped out of it after just one month of the affair, maybe not, and maybe the damage was done (at this point I know it was and that is the truth, she did not want to reconcile and she didn't want to let me see if I could recover from her infidelity), but I already had my chance to tell them - and they were the ones who brought it up - so I'd like to bring it back up and let them know there is 100% truth to that. It would crush them if they kind of put it on the backburner, but A) I didn't betray my spouse, she did and B) I'm sure that as long as she has this job (or if she has talked to them about her job and still trying to leave like she was in the fall) they'd put two and two together and realize the validity.

ShutterHappy posted 1/29/2020 12:23 PM

I suggest you get your divorce agreement signed first, then tell her family

WontBeFooledAgai posted 1/29/2020 14:09 PM

I am confused OP...have all the papers been signed for divorce yet or not?

If the papers have not been signed yet and you are where your WW's infidelity will not factor into the settlement e.g., division of property, alimony, ect., then your FIRST priority is getting a good settlement, and your SECOND priority is letting your WW's parents know the real story.

Email or leave a message for her parents saying:

"Hi [whatever names you used to call them by], I first want to thank you again for everything. Anyway, I am sure you have questions about what really happened and I feel I owe it to you to tell you. WW was having indeed an affair w POSOM from work from a good part of last year, and when I found out she told me she wanted a divorce. I'm not trying to turn you against WW or anything--I understand that she is your daughter and that you will always love and support her. Instead, I feel you deserve to know the truth--I very much value the relationship we have had and I did everything I could to do right by WW, the marriage, and by you as well. All the best."

Who cares whether WW "told" you not to make contact w her family. You don't owe it to her to honour her request.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:18 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

throwmeawaynow98 posted 1/31/2020 03:03 AM

WontBeFooledAgain

Mediation papers are signed, there are still a few other papers that have not been signed yet, mainly the ones my WW needs to sign to set this in motion. After that we are officially "in the process" and will go from there.

I was thinking of waiting until we're a few weeks in and have our house listed before contacting the parents for a meeting.

throwmeawaynow98 posted 2/3/2020 19:40 PM

Tell them. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't. Your reputation and self-esteem are worth more than your loyalty to a WW who doesn't deserve your loyalty.

Well said, and this is why I will tell them. They deserve the truth and to understand that I would have given R a shot if my wife stopped things immediately and was remorseful, but of course after a handful of days she was "in love" and was gone to continue her job and fantasy life with AP.

Still fighting myself on how to do it and approach everything... reach out to just one parent? How to do so subtly because my WW is living with them and obviously I don't want her to be tipped off? I'd hate to write this in an email.

The papers are now signed, notarized and we are "in motion". Clearing that up too.

DBFool2019 posted 2/4/2020 12:56 PM

I do not believe it is sexual - and she has been open enough to admit the kissing but denies that anything has gone "too far".

Kissing is BOTH sexual as well as too far!

WontBeFooledAgai posted 2/4/2020 13:13 PM

@throwmeawaynow ...

What access do you have to your inlaws? Do you have at least one of their phone numbers or emails? ETA: Of course if you can get an in-person meeting that would be best.

Your only concern is making sure your inlaws get the message--at least one of them but probably the dad preferably--before WW can intercept it. e.g., if you were to send a letter and WW could screen the mail and throw your letter out before it gets in your inlaws hands, then find another way to communicate with them. (And with that said, your main concern is to make contact with your inlaws to speak your truth. It is NOT to "convince" them of anything. If they hang up on you or if they tell you that you are laying, then that is on them.)

If you have their phone number--either one's, you could leave a text or give them a call. You could try calling, and then if they don't pick up, send a text. If you have their email, you could write out the message to send .

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:27 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

throwmeawaynow98 posted 2/4/2020 19:41 PM

What access do you have to your inlaws? Do you have at least one of their phone numbers or emails?

Both MIL and FIL's emails and phone numbers. I'd prefer to talk just to her father, but would meet with both. Any advice if I text/email and don't hear back? Do I then start to craft the letter to send? God, this is so hard but it's been on my mind so much that I know I can't let it go - exposing the truth needs to be a part of my healing for sure.

[This message edited by throwmeawaynow98 at 7:41 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Marz posted 2/4/2020 19:58 PM

Iíd keep it short and simple. You donít need to meet them. Why prolong this?

Most parents will side with their children.

Afterwards Iíd just block everything. They arenít your family so just move on fast.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:59 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

throwmeawaynow98 posted 2/5/2020 02:49 AM

Short and simple indeed. Her father is agreeing to meet me soon, once this is done so is her family. And I truly will miss her family, but as you've said Marz, I need to let them go and continue to focus on myself (easier said than done some days).

Newlifeisgreat posted 2/13/2020 05:44 AM

Just checking in on you. Hope all is well

throwmeawaynow98 posted 2/14/2020 20:31 PM

NewLife, I'm talking to my FIL this weekend to just talk about everything, my "goodbye" message to him and MIL. Not sure what to expect exactly but he's agreed to meet and wanted to do something in person versus email.

I am doing well, I've had IC appointments every other week this year, that's helped with some of the trauma and overall OCD-like thoughts surrounding WW, the affair, dwelling on the past, etc. I've been going day by day and had a very good week of work, saw a bunch of friends, and even met a lovely woman out of the blue. Not a dating situation any time soon, but she is understanding of the situation and seems very interested in me, we met while both waiting for friends to arrive at a restaurant and just talked for an hour. We may grab lunch in the future.

Something small like this makes me realize that there are loyal, wonderful people out there and I deserve one of them. This may not go anywhere, or it may, but it's been a big stepping stone for me as for the first 6 weeks all I could think of was how to get WW back... now I realize my own worth and understand that there are other women out there, ones who will be a better match, ones who do not participate in deceit and betrayal.

[This message edited by throwmeawaynow98 at 8:35 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

Marz posted 2/14/2020 21:00 PM

I'm talking to my FIL this weekend to just talk about everything, my "goodbye" message to him and MIL. Not sure what to expect exactly but he's agreed to meet and wanted to do something in person versus email.

I would explain under the circumstances you have to move on. Most of the times in these situations blood is thicker than water so donít expect anything more.

Any contact usually just keeps you in the mess and ties up headspace.

No kids so no reason to not move on fully.

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