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Low sex drive and depression, stress

Justsomelady posted 12/15/2019 15:28 PM

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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 11:49 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

IHatePickingName posted 12/15/2019 16:31 PM

Does he take medication for his depression? Both my husband and i do and low sex drive is a common side effect. We have both switched medications to get away from that side effect. Depression alone also kills my sex drive so it was a lose/lose until i found the right medication. If you are interested, i can comment on which ones worked for me and have lower sexual side effects.

We have both experienced periods of incongruous sexual desire, where one or the other of us wanted way less. It was hard on our relationship. (Indeed, it correlates strongly with our affair seasons. Not an excuse, just an observation. We both always had the options of better choices.) I just wanted to say i have been there and i know how hard it is.

My husband has said similar things in the past about my EAs. In fact, i was the one to start insisting they were affairs. Even now, i have to remind him that he cant take ownership for him, even though he was an admittedly crappy husband during the time frame and engaging in his own affairs. I reminded him that i refuse to take ownership for his choices despite being a crappy wife, so he cant either. He struggles with it because his were "worse" and because i was way more traumatized. But he gets that i need to frame it that way because it helps me do my own work.

I wish you luck. This is one area we havent had issues with since dday because of a combination of HB on my part, me hitting my dirty thirties, and him actually wanting me again.

(Hopefully this is ok mods... I know i can only post as a WS but its hard to do it exclusively when i am both at the same time)

Justsomelady posted 12/15/2019 16:43 PM

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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 11:50 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

IHatePickingName posted 12/15/2019 17:00 PM

I am on pristiq now and love love love it. I took trintellix for two years previously. It worked well and didnt kill my sex drive but made me nauseated, which got worse over time. The issue is both are really expensive so if you dont have a good drug plan, they can be hard to get. Pristiq is an SNRI, which i do better with, personally. I have been on it since July.

You did make it open but since i outed myself as a MH, i am not allowed to post as a BS here anymore.

Justsomelady posted 12/15/2019 17:04 PM

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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 11:50 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

IHatePickingName posted 12/15/2019 17:16 PM

Serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors, instead of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. So it works on two neurotransmitters instead of one. Effexor is a more commonly known example. It didnt work for me when i tried it many years ago, but it was more of a med compliance issue. I struggle to remember my meds and the side effects for going off cold turkey are ROUGH. Priatiq has such a short half life though that i feel it if i am even late taking it, which keeps me honest. 🤣🤣🤣

numb&dumb posted 12/18/2019 08:29 AM

What are the chances of LC becoming NC ? I think a lot of these limerant flashbacks are exacerbated by having any contact with your AP.

It is by far and wide something that almost anyone with experience or training with dealing with infidelity agree on. Even seeing him keeps small embers alive.

You need to validate yourself and until you learn that (with IC likely) any contact is going to risk a relapse and continue the feel good brain chemicals that are the real reason the EA appealed to you in the first place. Any form of contact keeps you from detoxing completely.

It is like an alcoholic having "just one glass of wine ," with dinner. Any amount prevents good and healthy boundaries being established.

If you want to feel better in the long run absolute NC is the best way to get there. I get that isn't always possible, but unfortunately I haven't seen too many successful Rs where the WS still has any contact with their AP.

Your H might not be sharing how much this really bothers him because he doesn't feel safe being vulnerable with you.

You have to ask when he minimizes the impact of your A is he doing that to convince you or himself ? Right now he can't handle the lack of control that this situation puts him in therefore he is making it about him to give him the illusion of control.

A P-doc appointment would be very good for him, but that is something you cannot force him to do.

hikingout posted 12/18/2019 09:22 AM

I was going to say the part about NC that Numb & Dumb said, so I will second that. I know that we have had people here who keep those embers with indirect contact like looking at a social media account.

I think the problem with limerence, and I feel you kind of addressed this in your post - is that it's a feeling of being high in many ways. There is not a lot of day to day life that competes with being high. I don't want others to misunderstand me - that really has nothing to do with really wanting the AP. It's almost like you have this ideal in your head and you believe it's possible because you have taken someone and glossed over who they are and put in your own characteristics. You want to live in the land of make believe (I know I did).

Marriage is hard at times, and it's not always fun so when we compare it to things that are really imaginary there isn't really a fair playing field. For me, early on I did kind of an exercise of what life would likely have really looked like with AP, using only things I knew he truly exhibited. Yikes. No way would I sign up for what that really looked like. Often times we think the grass is greener, but honestly it's true when they say the grass is greener where you water it. (Ha ha I came back to edit this because I saw this is your tagline!!! I didn't notice that when I wrote it originally)

So, I shared recently that my husband was struggling with some situational depression. Some of it is health related - and we finally got an answer that may fix the pain he is in. But, during that time, it was my first real test in our new marriage.

Don't get me wrong, he's been depressed and discouraged before over our 20+ year relationship.
But, honestly the throws of life really kind of meld together in our preA marriage. Having the A put a different importance on our connection, and a hypervigilance in me on what is healthy or happy. So, in the pre A marriage, I just think I was sleep walking a bit more. It always seemed like things would work out, and I always just kept faith in that peaks and valleys thing. I would dig in do my share to support him and all of that.

After an affair, it's almost like you are paying attention to everything in technicolor for some reason. In some ways that really can improve your connection, but in other ways that hypervigilance means that it takes a long time to feel comfortable and contentment like before.

So, I think maybe you are seeing it as a bigger sign than it is?

As for the sex, yeah that's been my experience it ebbs and flows, but it's easy to say that when our ebb is 2 times a week and our flow is 4 or 5 times a week. So, I don't think we quite have that incompatibility factor. I did have a big incompatibility there in my first marriage. Tell us a little more here:

1. How old is your H?
2. What does the flow look like if your ebb is maybe once a month? And how often is there an ebb?
3. Could you possibly be misreading him that he is really just humoring you? Have you discussed that with him? Could be that you feel vulnerable as the initiator. I honestly think that is an uncomfortable place for a woman because we are used to not needing to be the main initiator. In society, it gets reinforced that men are all about sex and I think we have this measuring stick that is skewed. I would start a discussion surrounding your insecurity of initiating and feeling like he is humoring you. I bet you will be surprised by his response.
4. What about other physical affection? Is that frequent or flowing? Maybe work on increasing that. Ask to be held for a few minutes every night when you first get in bed. We do this now with no expectations of sex. It is very satisfying to touch, caress, and cuddle and talk quietly. You might find sex flows from that intimacy after some time of making it a practice. I think it's very true that night sex starts at the coffeemaker in the morning.

5. What about physical activity? I know some people need medication so I am not pulling a Tom Cruise here, but doing cardio and taking vitamins has given me a different vitality. I would say before H would initiate the most and I would always go along with it. After being more physically active, I am more assertive and often way more in the mood more often. Before, I never refused and we had really good sex but I needed a little more time to get excited. Now, I feel really good and have a lot of energy, and it's really changed things.


Also - probably the most important thing - some of this is still you looking for others to make you happy. I am not condemning you for that - relationships enhance our lives, and they should be a source of joy. But, you really need to look at how you supplement that. My IC was very right in telling me I needed to create some of my own magic. Kind of replacing the need for limerent relationships. I will tell you that I looked back and had them in my youth as well, so it was interesting to dissect why I was so susceptible to them. Here is a list of things I did to do that - and some of it I still work hard on:

1. Create more intimate outside relationships with girlfriends, family, etc. I noticed that I really didn't have any strong outside relationships. When we have them not all of our emotional encouragement or satisfaction relies on one person. I have a lot of girlfriends that I used to just go have fun with. I actually took it down to three really good ones who I invest more closely in.

2. Hobbies. Find something that you can get lost in. That you forget space and time. For me, it is mostly running. Many of my other ones in my life surrounded kids or making a home. Anything that is a meditation for you and that makes you feel good.

3. Figuring out where those voids came from in the first place. I am sure you have been doing FOO stuff and other tracing if you are in therapy, but I know not everyone has that as a resource. I would encourage some exploration of it. A lot of mine came from having an absentee father, who I even feel guilty for writing that about him because I do love him so much. I could write a lot about that, but I think that suffices as an example.

4. Really figuring out the things you need and want and protecting those things. Boundaries on myself and time is probably my biggest struggle still. I am one of those people who have trouble with the word no, or for doing what other wants and leaving what I need or want to the wayside. When I got healthier in this regard and started asking for what I wanted, it was really awesome for my husband. All of our marriage I kept things to myself, and he was really left to mind read or assume things were good. He feels more fulfilled in knowing that I am stating my wants and needs and he can meet them or even exceed them at times. I was really robbing him of opportunities he actually missed and wanted. I think this could be something else that could be good for the two of you - a man who feels assured he can make you happy and can see it - often that's a huge turn on for them. They want to feel like that provider. Now that is a generalization of course, but one that I think is safe enough to put out there at least to experiment with.

Okay I will stop before this becomes my first novel.

I see and hear you though, all the things you are being vulnerable enough to share are things I know I have experienced and struggled with. I hope something in here helps.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:26 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

Justsomelady posted 12/18/2019 21:00 PM


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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 11:51 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Zugzwang posted 12/19/2019 10:25 AM

What is it about the sex with husband that has you pining for the AP? What do you get from it? Physical outlet? Validation for being wanted?

What I got from the whole thing, putting aside your husband's depression which you can't control- is that you still aren't validating yourself. Your husband isn't validating you now, so your thoughts turn to AP wanting you. Validate yourself, and maybe your husband's dry spell will not be so personal for you. The only thing you can control is you. So, work on you not taking it so personally that your husband is having issues and still loves and wants you even though he isn't showing it through sex and wanting you physically. What can you do to build yourself up other than sex? What can you see that your husband does to make you feel wanted and loved? Can you see him giving in another way? A way you might be taking for granted and then suddenly miss and see if you ever lost him?

Justsomelady posted 12/19/2019 18:32 PM

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[This message edited by Justsomelady at 11:51 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

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