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Defensivness is still strong with this one!

SelfishCheater posted 12/12/2019 20:34 PM

It's been 19 years since my betrayal but I have only just started the work just over two years ago.

In these short 2 years, i have learned so much about myself. Things I never wanted to admit or face and had my BS given up on me years ago I would have never had the motivation to dive through these deep waters.

Last night, we sat down to work on an ongoing project where we are connected through mic but in separate rooms. Now because I could not see his face and read his body language i missed the signs that he had been triggered.

Here I am in my own little WW world waiting for him to tell me he's ready to get going on the project and I start making up a song and singing it.

Allthewhile he is over there in pain.

It finally becomes evident to me what is going on as soon as he speaks and I automatically know that tone. The tone that says our past is right here with us in this moment and there is no avoiding it.

I failed. I failed him and I failed myself. I went to my automatic knee jerk reaction that I didn't cause this particular moment and he has misunderstood my actions and if I only explain myself to him then all will be well again.

It was clear that he was angry/disappointed in me and did not say much, just listened to me spout my bullshit then asked for a moment to meditate so we could get on with the project.

An hour later after we were finished, I went into his room to pick up where we left off and again he didn't say much but I could tell what i was saying was not helping but didn't understand why at the time.

We went to bed and I was in a panic all night about the situation and how I was going to fix it.

It wasn't until I quiet my mind this morning at work and thought it all through clearly did I see my awful behavior.

He was not triggered about my CURRENT actions, he was just triggered PERIOD and my response was to revert to my old patterns. Had I set my ego aside i could have helped him 24 hours sooner and not set back our healing once again.

It IS getting easier to spot my own bullshit without him having to hold my hand in life but fuck if this isn't the most difficult, ongoing lesson i have ever encountered.

destroyed1 posted 12/13/2019 05:22 AM

I'm pleased with your progress. Dont be too hard on yourself.

Do you remember your first post here? I do. I responded to your thread and I could tell right then that you have a good chance at R. Your post above proves that you are still learning and willing to learn. All great signs and something to be proud of.

I edited the rest of my post. I'm glad you guys enjoyed it.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 4:56 AM, December 15th (Sunday)]

thatbpguy posted 12/13/2019 09:29 AM

destroyed1 made an incredible post.

All I want to add is for you to be patient with yourself. I tried R a couple of times and it was difficult and we failed.

I suppose even successful R is a 'two steps forwards, one step back' process.

I think the fact you are working so hard and with a lot of introspect makes me think it will all work out.

I wish the very best.

SelfishCheater posted 12/13/2019 09:46 AM

Thank you so much for responding destroyed1.

That was so difficult to read. The analogies of a BS pain and trauma are always so difficult to make it through without breaking down. But also so important! In the beginning i had such a difficult time with empathy and and therefore direction to take with his pain but analogies really help me feel it as best as I can.

This is also secretly frustrating for me. Why the hell are the broken, dangerous idiots allowed to mingle and cohabitate with those that are healthy?? Just find a way of identifying us early in life then seperate us in a pen until we pass an empathy test and then can be safely allowed back into society!

Thank you for your support.

gmc94 posted 12/13/2019 12:58 PM

THANK YOU Destroyed1, for putting that into words. Amazing.

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