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Do I want to know details?

Pages: 1 · 2

3greatkids posted 12/14/2019 13:37 PM

It wasnít so much needing every last detail, but enough to piece together an accurate picture of what happened. The 26 years I was deceived are like a big puzzle, and with enough pieces I could at least determine what the picture was. Unfortunately Iíve been denied that, lied to, manipulated etc, and I donít think my Swiss cheese Brain will ever recover at this point.

I think early in, a cheating spouses willingness to, and actually completing, without defensiveness and minimizing, a timeline is imperative to even decide if trying to reconcile is an option.

farsidejunky posted 12/14/2019 14:08 PM

Medicine often tastes terrible when consumed, yet often essential in the healing process.

dancin-gal posted 12/29/2019 21:23 PM

I needed to know the details .. I saw the movies watched then and now they donít play anymore ..my feeling is that the A was a secret that kept the high emotions going .. once I knew my feeling is that the specialness wasnít so special .. the secret wasnít a secret anymore .. they had exciting Sex in a limo.,and other places once WS told me the story the Sex wasnít so special, hopefully the memories will be shame rather than happy memories.. the relationship was based on lies, she played him .. he was her KISA ., she used him ., my WS was stupid ., donít think he can see totally how the OW used him yet but at some point he will have that ahhh moment and see how she used him .. he still thinks she is a special person .. I have told him he is welcome to leave anytime.. she saw that he had some savings and wanted his money . He looked at her and said he would be embarrassed to introduce her to our adult children and grandchildren .. . My WS is free to leave at anytime .,I keep telling him to leave if he wants OW but he wants to stay ., the relationship he has with me is stronger more meaningful than the one he had with Ow ., that was a fantasy and escape from some of the business stress he had been under., she was an addiction for him

Diggity11 posted 12/29/2019 22:19 PM

I think itís the best to know everything you want to know. When I got cheated on I got the trickle truth. Then as time went on I got more information but to this day I feel like it was more. I feel the questions to know - how many times they had sex ? Location ? Protection? Emotional feelings? When? Oral ? How long was the fair ?

As far as positions and was it good ? No need to know as they will never tell you it was good they would lie .

I threatened to get a polygraph but she doesnít want to because she claims she is telling the truth.

DIFM posted 12/30/2019 04:44 AM

It seems that many BS's that need to know more, or know the details, have gone through painful trickle truth. When the truth is served up, very slowly, mixed with lies, rug sweeping, gaslighting, etc., eventually, all there is left to be honest about are the remaining details. It is that yearning and need for honesty that keeps many lied to BS's seeking truth in whatever real or perceived lies that still exist.

Perhaps those that get the truth, all of it, very early post dday, have less need for more details.

kickedintheknads posted 12/30/2019 07:31 AM

For me, I wanted it all. Every little detail. I knew it would be painful, but it was necessary to make her tell it all. No more secrets. All the dirty little details were exposed and brought into the light. I was able to relay some of those details to her AP's wife as well. It felt good to sprinkle a little shit in his cherios..:)
Keeping secrets is a continuous lie. I won't tolerate ANY deception or lies going forward. That's an instant deal killer. Nor was I prepared to go forward wondering what happened. Now I know. As painful as that it.

Walkingthewire posted 12/30/2019 14:18 PM

For me, I didnít want the dirty details. I asked once and he admitted to kissing her, he also brought her flowers. I vomited. So I told him if and when Iím ready to know the details he will tell me. He agreed.

I also do not want flowers ever again. He brought them home not long ago and I took them and threw them in the trash. And I told him again. Do not ever bring me fucking flowers again since you decided to get them for your hoebag. So I can only imagine what dirty details will do to me. Iíve accepted that even now a year later, I canít handle it. He did tell me it was the most boring vanilla sex he ever had.

confused2007 posted 1/3/2020 02:20 AM

I suggest no specific details but enough where you get your answers. Hereís why...

On November 16 I uncovered a FB messenger flirty message after suspecting something was going on with H for a few months (you will note from my screen name this ainít my first rodeo sadly but no show like this one...). He ďownedĒ it as an EA. I used whitepages and found The Sidepieceís number (I prefer that to Other Woman. Woman implies a lady and she is no lady as they are both liars. I called her and she played it as an old high school classmates conversation g on the app from time to time and please donít let this interfere in our marriage. She believes in love and has been married twice. I mentioned she has had two other previous incidents and Iím about over it and may divorce him. Her reply please donít do so over this. What a bitch. I actually believed her.

The details she gave via the phone and text cause mind movies that are truly horror movies. I try not to think about what she said but as mentioned you canít ignore the info you eventually receive so choose carefully what you want to know.

Anyway he was supposed to be No Contact but as noted by several others it just went further underground because he has ďfeelingsĒ for her . I had NO idea. I was reeling from the initial finding but slightly alert because he seemed still kind of cagey. Saying he wanted to save the marriage but also we were on the rocks before (all true but as we know that is not a causal factor for his I soon learned PA)

Well on December 17 OW called me. I was surprised and happened to have left work that day still upset with the Mrs going on. WH was home well she lured him like nobodies business. She gave details beyond my imagination. With dates which made it worse for me. It made me retrace my own steps. It made me realize he saw me distraught and still could t go NC. He claims it was because he hadnít come clean and he was trying to figure out how but knew if he broke it off she would tell it. Look how that worked for him because she told it all. The sex before during and after my discovery on November 16. Things I canít block out because you canít unring a bell.

Think about your need to knows is my suggestion. For example did they have sex is very different then when and where. I suggest sticking to yes and no. I detest the Sidepiece even more for the specifics. It should have come from WH but he was too much a coward and in a fog like nobodyís business. She told me that she was ďonly in it for the last 6 monthsĒ because he said he was getting a divorce but keeps stringing her along. I firmly believe she thought I would bounce after hearing about the PA and then she would be right there but no bitch. It ainít gonna be that easy. She can have him if I decide to go that route- they deserve one another but itís on my terms. Not the terms of the liars.

So he Was either cake eating or letting the truth be his own blackmail. Either way the biggest snap out of the fog was my going to see a lawyer and telling him to leave. If I see so much as a phone number close to hers on the bill itís a done deal. It may be a done deal anyway. Against all reason and common sense I do still care for him. Kind of like the WS in a fog when they canít turn off their emotions... Iím in early stages of this last Dday but I have my exit plan and Iím ready to go if I decide to do so and that changes daily.

LLXC posted 1/3/2020 15:26 PM

If you plan on divorce, there is no need to know everything, in my opinion.


If he is willing to tell you e everything, then why not wait and see what you want to know? In a year, yku may want to know everything.

Maybe you can ask him to make a tape or write down everything that happened. You get to keep the documents. So you can look later if you want. And when you ask him questions, you can see if there are huge discrepancies

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