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Continuing to Disappoint

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Layla1234hubby posted 12/2/2019 14:22 PM

My EA started in April of 2018 with a coworker. I had no established boundaries and never thought I would become a person who would cheat on their spouse. The EA lasted for about 3 months before being caught by my wife. Sexual pictures were exchanged, disgusting conversations were had, and lies upon lies were spewed at my wife.

I had kept information from her since the affair and she had given me multiple opportunities to come clean with the whole story. In those times of opportunity, I had been afraid for the worst and scared of an uncertain future if all of the information was provided. I know now that it would have been much better to provide everything at the beginning, but I failed to do so. Yesterday, I provided the rest of the information because I fear that divorce is now inevitable. Due to my trickle truths, my wife has no reason to believe that she knows everything. She has insisted that she knows that my EA was definitely a PA, but that is not the case. I have been going to IC (one for a year and a half and another who specializes in anger management for only one session so far). I left my job in Feb of 2019 and it has been a full no contact since. There was a couple of months where we worked (November of 18 until I left) that zero conversations took place. I also took a polygraph in November of 2018 and passed (although I have been accused of getting around it).

I have not done anything on my own without my wife suggesting it first (leaving my job, take a polygraph) and I have fought everything she has ever suggested. I actually believed that I would be able to continue working at a job with that person which boggles my mind. I have made mistake after mistake and I don't know what else to do. We have 3 girls together and I cannot imagine the idea of not being able to see them when I come home from work or play in our family living room. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm in a bad place.

hikingout posted 12/2/2019 15:04 PM

I am not really sure where you go from here either. What is your plan moving forward? By reading what you have wrote here, you have continued to try and control the outcome post Affair. That takes a lot of energy that could go to something else.

Have you worked on your whys? Why you had the affair? Why you continued to lie? And, what have you found? What have you worked on out of what you have found?

How will you put your wife first moving forward?

These are all questions that you really need to dig deep to find the answers to, they aren't ones we can give you.

pinkpggy posted 12/2/2019 15:15 PM

I see you are only posting now after she decided to divorce you. Last ditch effort. You only have 17 posts but have been a member for a year, so you were not utilizing this board.

What was it that you came clean about?

You can still become a better person and be divorced. Right now actions are going to speak a lot louder than words.

Layla1234hubby posted 12/2/2019 15:58 PM

Have you worked on your whys? Why you had the affair? Why you continued to lie? And, what have you found? What have you worked on out of what you have found?

I had the affair because the only relationship I've ever had is with my wife. I felt like after years of marriage and the occasional down times, that I could find greener pastures, but I was wrong. I continued to withhold information in fears that she would leave me. In the past couple of years, I've been through a lot and I feel like a lot of my decisions during and shortly after the affair were not with a clear mind. Why I continue to lie is solely because I don't want to lose my family or what we have.

I see you are only posting now after she decided to divorce you. Last ditch effort. You only have 17 posts but have been a member for a year, so you were not utilizing this board.

My wife is on here all of the time and this is more of her safe space. I try to go the route of meditation and IC to work on myself, but if I'm keeping information from her, none of that matters.

I appreciate any and all feedback.

pinkpggy posted 12/2/2019 16:30 PM

I had the affair because the only relationship I've ever had is with my wife.

This is all that you have concluded after a year of IC? That's an excuse not a reason.

Sorry4Everything posted 12/2/2019 17:01 PM

We have 3 girls together and I cannot imagine the idea of not being able to see them when I come home from work or play in our family living room.

Like most of us (cheaters) we don't think of the consequences until its over. Start talking to your wife.

foreverlabeled posted 12/2/2019 19:21 PM

Why I continue to lie is solely because I don't want to lose my family or what we have.
What we often don't understand is that it is the continued lies that kill the M. Our BSs get tired of that shit, as you clearly see.

Look, I know this sucks for you and you are scared and all those other crappy feelings that come with the possibility of D. I wish you could have seen how important the truth was for your BW (and you too for your own healing) so that you could have avoided this and spared everyone's feelings. I get you are in a bad place but I hope you can see how hurt layla is, the place she is in, and find it in you to have compassion, understanding, make this transition for her as easy as possible. In other words become humble and selfless.

You guys just had another dday, all the work she's put in to heal herself is back to ground zero. The devastation, trauma, pain, all of it. Be kind to her. That's my advise.

I'm sure you are kicking yourself and you should be feeling the devastation of your actions, this was a shitty thing to do. Maybe this will be your rock bottom where change is the only way up and out. I do hope that for you. No time like the present to get your shit together.

forgettableDad posted 12/2/2019 23:36 PM

No. You continue to lie because you're selfish. You're trying to protect yourself and control the outcome. Think about it this way. You said you had an affair because this is the only relationship you've know.. well, what's changed? You're in fight-or-flight mode. Once the fear subsides, this will still be the only actual relationship you've known.

I think an affair is a dysfunctional coping mechanism with something that's broken inside of us (obviously some people are just assholes and will fuck anything that moves, but most people aren't). You need to figure out what's actually broken inside you. The "Whys" as people call it here.

And even with that. There's no guarantee that your wife will choose to stay. Because all our spouses can see are the shitty people we were and currently are until we can fix whatever is broken in us and until we can show them that we can be safe. That's a long time and a huge thing to ask someone to do.

My IC told me that I should build where I can and never close doors on anything. I had to let go of controlling the outcome. When I understood that even D isn't going to be the end of my life I managed to really concentrate on healing myself and helping my wife in her healing process (I was lucky, she let me).

You can be a better person. Be that person. I hope things pick up for you and Layla. I really do.

Zugzwang posted 12/3/2019 06:04 AM

Start battling your fears. Being vulnerable. Own who you chose to become. Lay it all out there. How you have valued her but not respected her. Treating her like an object. Your selfishness. Your entitlement. Your lack of self confidence and esteem. Your cowardness. Do it all. Then chose to change it.

BraveSirRobin posted 12/3/2019 14:10 PM

Hello, Hubby.

I'm perplexed by what you are looking for here. You have made no secret of your resentment of SI and the advice it dispenses. You see it as a bad influence and one that has prevented healing in your marriage. Your anger still leaks out at having "been accused" here, and your other thread is a bid for stories similar to yours that could be used as evidence that your wife's instincts are wrong.

All the advice we can give is rooted in the principles of the site. Any success I have had in reconciling with my H is because I followed that advice as closely as I could. If you spend all your time ruminating over the few times you told the truth and were called a liar, instead of the deep pool of lies you swam in while claiming to be honest, we just can't be any help.

Have I been "falsely accused" from time to time? Absolutely. There are posters who will never believe that I have forgotten anything about my A. I really have. It was 30 years ago. My own BH has forgotten things about that time period, as we discovered by reading old letters. But it is also true that I lied (both to him and to myself), trickle truthed, and tried to control the outcome, inflicting a constant stream of damage on him along the way. Overall, I was a very generic page in the standard cheater's handbook. That's where my head needed to be pointed. If I sat in a corner pouting about posters who say "Every single person who cheats before marriage will cheat again after it" (I didn't), or if I blamed my BH for believing that could be true (he panicked when he learned I uninstalled WhatsApp on my phone), then I would still be in a painful, bitter limbo. Or headed for divorce court. And most importantly, he would never be able to heal. If you remain in this state, leaving you is your BW's only path to healing.

I don't believe we are in a position to help you, because in your opinion, our approach is just too bitter a pill to swallow. You find it offensive and humiliating and pointless. Honestly, I'm not convinced it would save your marriage at this point even if you did swallow it. Sometimes too late really is too late. The site wisdom is that it would still help you as a person to let go of defensiveness and give up your power. But that's not your agenda here.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 4:03 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

Layla1234hubby posted 12/3/2019 16:59 PM

I haven't been focusing on my wife and that is clear. I havent been putting any advice on this site to use, that is also clear. I'm hoping a lot of the people who do provide advice on here regularly were in my shoes at some point, desperate and angry and somehow came out on the other side a better person, with or without their spouse. Thanks for the words. I'll pull my head out of my ass.

MrsWalloped posted 12/3/2019 17:57 PM

desperate and angry

Explore this.

Youíre feeling desperate because...?
Youíre feeling angry because...?

From personal experience, I donít think youíll get anywhere without opening yourself up and being vulnerable and authentic. That means letting all barriers down and laying it all out. If she hates you for it and still decides to D, so be it. But you cannot become a safe and healthy partner unless you do this. I will tell you that I totally expected my husband to divorce me. I focused on my work and he basically left me alone because he was dealing with his own pain and trying to work through what I did to him. But he told me later that he watched and paid attention to what I did and how I acted. He saw me strip everything away and face very hard truths about myself and bare the ugly inside that I never dared show anyone.

Thatís the only way, IMO, that this works.

Let go of the outcome and stop trying to control what your wife does or will do. Just get to work.

Zugzwang posted 12/3/2019 18:40 PM

Dragged my feet till month 18 with my one and only TT that was major. The TT was bad and 18 months of doing nothing concrete except white knuckling it and being a better "husband/father". I changed drastically at 18months out. I got so disgusted with myself I couldn't live with myself and I knew my wife deserved so much more than what I was giving her which was nothing but gaslighting and manipulating.

hikingout posted 12/4/2019 08:02 AM

I focused on my work and he basically left me alone because he was dealing with his own pain and trying to work through what I did to him. But he told me later that he watched and paid attention to what I did and how I acted. He saw me strip everything away and face very hard truths about myself and bare the ugly inside that I never dared show anyone.

This was in a nutshell how it went for us as well. And, I was completely deplorable. I have already shared by month 9 we were headed for divorce, and that's without any TT. Just how damned dumb I was.

And, like Zugwang, I feel like rock bottom was where I couldn't stand myself. I couldn't stay where I was. Change is very much rooted in our own self-motivation. We don't change for other people even if we want to. We change because the pain of staying where we are is worse than what it's going to take to make the changes. You can do this. You do need to let down your defenses and really see and acknowledge your issues/flaws and only when you know what those are can you work to change them. I know when we are desperate it's our nature to convince others we are not so bad. Hell, we convince ourselves. But, what your wife needs to see is that you KNOW that there are things wrong with you that need to be addressed. You are willing to look at those ugly parts of yourself (and btw we all have them) and admit them to her as well. That introspection is the only way through. It may still not be enough to save your marriage, but it will save YOU. Dad of 3 kids. Man with a lot of life left to live. And, maybe a man who will become worthy of his wife and win her back. There are no guarantees, other than you have to stop being defensive and start looking at the things that really matter, the things that will make a true difference in your situation.

Yes, probably most all of us other waywards have been exactly where you are. And, some of us probably worse. And, many of us did make it to the other side. It takes grit, determination, consistency, empathy, sincerity, vulnerability, and a willingness to humble yourself. I am sure I missed a bunch of other stuff in that sentence but surely there is enough there to get started.

What books have you read? Have you read How to Help your Spouse Heal from Infidelity? Start with that if not. If so, then either read it again with new eyes or find something else to read that will help you start to absorb the type of work you need to do. Read not just friends too if you haven't. Start making a list of things that you think contributed to your affair. Not just the surface one that you are using. I am sure there is some truth to what you say your why is, but it's nowhere deep enough to make changes. Break it down to characteristics you have that could make you think the way you did in going into your affair and any other acting out behavior you have had. Have you been to IC?

Layla1234hubby posted 12/4/2019 10:50 AM

I have been in IC since summer of last year. I did a lot of the same in IC that I did to my wife, lying, keeping from telling the whole story. I have read How to Help your Spouse Heal from Infidelity, but it was at the beginning of all of this and I didn't read it with the intent of learning anything from it. I just read it because it was something she wanted me to do. I was still in a place where I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave or stay. I'll start with reading these books.

hikingout posted 12/4/2019 13:04 PM

Thank you. A step in the right direction. Really take it in this time. Spend some time in your wife's shoes imagining this was her doing it to you. These will be the things that can start to make a difference.

Zugzwang posted 12/5/2019 06:18 AM

I was still in a place where I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave or stay.

Stop letting that be the focus. Let go of the outcome. Regardless of if you stay or not, the point is to get healthy for yourself. For you children. To become a good person to be happy for yourself and a positive role model. You can learn a lot from the book in ways of just becoming a less selfish person. You can learn how to be in your next relationship if you choose to leave too.

Layla1234hubby posted 12/5/2019 06:23 AM

I have absolutely no interest in leaving the relationship, that was within the first couple months after d-day. I have been committed to her for well over a year, it is the TT that did me in. If there was no TT, we may even be in a position where she would have forgiven me. 2nd to the affair itself, my biggest regret is that I didn't have the balls to just tell her everything up front.

I'll start the work to make myself better because my kids need me. I'll let go of the outcome, no matter how much it hurts.

hikingout posted 12/5/2019 13:23 PM

Being in control of the outcome is an illusion anyway.

Itís kind of like worrying. People worry before anything happens. If you ask them why they often essentially have some belief that it will allow them to create a solution. Often what we worry about doesnít happen and the energy was wasted when you could have used it elsewhere. And when it does happen it makes it so you went through it more times than you needed to. Anything we are doing out of fear often brings the very thing we fear. Keep posting.

BluesPower posted 12/5/2019 13:39 PM

I have absolutely no interest in leaving the relationship, that was within the first couple months after d-day. I have been committed to her for well over a year, it is the TT that did me in. If there was no TT, we may even be in a position where she would have forgiven me. 2nd to the affair itself, my biggest regret is that I didn't have the balls to just tell her everything up front.

First off, and I know everyone is hitting you hard, but how committed could you have been? You thought it was stupid to read infidelity boards, esp SI.

You went into IC half hearted, and you are hoping that someday she can forgive you.

A year and a half of IC, and you are still thinking this way.

Selfishly!!!!

Hey, guess what, no matter what some BS say, they never really forgive, some do sure, but honestly, lots don't.

Further, she is not going to forget, no one can do that. And, she is not required to forgive, and even if she does, it is kind of a daily choice to forgive someone.

Do you actually have any idea what is going on with you?

Seriously, you need to figure that out. Maybe time for a new Therapist?????

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