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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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HeHadADoubleLife posted 4/14/2020 22:56 PM

Gotcha, that makes sense! I found a no-yeast bread recipe yesterday, thinking of trying it tomorrow. Will let you all know how that experiment goes.

Anyone have any experience with making their own sourdough bread?

I LOVE sourdough. Like if I had to pick only one bread to eat for the rest of my life, it would be sourdough. I would love to learn how to make it. I imagine eating bread that you made is so satisfying!

Problem is, I don't think I have the patience/attention span to maintain a starter. I feel like I would forget to add the flour one day and then it would all be shot to hell.

Kind of like when I was on birth control, I never could remember to take it on time every day, and I ended up getting my period every couple of weeks when I would forget

20yrsagoBS posted 4/16/2020 16:26 PM

Sourdough starter is fine if you forget a day. As long as itís bubbly, itís ok.

Mix one cup of flour with 3/4 cup warm water. Mix well. Put in glass jar, in warm area of kitchen, covered by a dish towel.

Every day, dump out half. Add another cup of flour and 3/4 cup of warm water and stir.

Use it after a week. Just dump/add more ingredients every few days to keep it alive

gmc94 posted 4/18/2020 14:57 PM

Good afternoon ladies.

tallgirl - how are you doing? I noticed a post (in D/S?) that you are dipping your toes into OLD! I'm super curious how that is going for you. I'm thinking of you and hope my positive vibes can make it across the pond :)

Today I'm just pissed and burned out. I can handle WH 3 days/week when I'm working out of town. But this home every day? Nope. We are doing a refi and home equity line of credit in the hopes that we can survive coronavirus financially (health is a different story). So, this meant cleaning, some painting, etc. Every little thing just irritates me. And I make mountains of molehills in that I see all his little quirks as nothing more than extensions of the big broken shit.

example. I don't know a married couple who doesn't quibble about loading the dishwasher, like we have. But now, when I say a week ago that the tall glasses need to go in x spot or there won't be room for them elsewhere (something I've said at least 5x/year for the 8+ years we've had this particular washer) and then two days later I open the dishwasher and have to reload a bunch of shit bc the tall glass place is full of short coffee mugs - and I have 2 tall glasses I'm supposed to load. In the past, it's an irritation. I'd tell myself all sorts of things to try and let it go: WH is busy and works hard. WH does so much for our family that I shouldn't get upset about some silly effing dishwasher loading. Today? My self talk is of COURSE he could never be honest about the fact that he will NEVER load it like I ask. Of COURSE he would never say, "but I like the mugs on that side bc of x", as that means we'd have to actually communicate about it. Of COURSE he wouldn't listen to my request about loading it. Of COURSE I don't feel heard. Or valued. Or respected. Of COURSE he would never be mindful of anything I've asked him to do. He's a morally bankrupt man who maintained a decade-long secret sexual life! If he can't respect my ask about loading a dishwasher, how the fuck could I ever expect him to respect my ask that he keep his dick in his pants?

Then I'm wandering around frustrated and irritated. Over two damn glasses I had to put into a dishwasher..... so who's acting silly now? It's this same kind of thinking that prompted me to kick him out last year. And here I am, nearly a full fucking year later, dealing with the same stupid stuff.... including my own reactions.

How is it that my brain can somehow just not seem to internalize that this is it?
That this is as good as it gets?

For a year I've been telling myself that once I get a job I can get my own house, and then decide if I want to D or if my WH can find any way to become proactive about his shit. Today I'm ready to just fucking file and get it going, in the hopes that it will force me to find SOME kind of job and just get on with my life.

I need a girls night out.

Ok. Vent over. Time to put on my big girl pants again. Maybe find some joy on my own.

Tallgirl posted 4/19/2020 07:02 AM

Hi gmc,

I thought you were separated. Has WH moved back in? I think I missed a beat somewhere along the way. No surprise.

Yes the glasses piss you off, it is a simple small ask. Maybe put a sticky note on the dish washer. Put the fucking tall glasses in the top right area. Maybe in the pants drawer, another note that says. Keep dick in these when not at home.

So. We know that it isnít really just the glasses. Gmc, are you done? Is it time to emotionally let go? He doesnít deserve you. I am learning to give asshat my anger. Havenít figured it out quite yet. When I do I will be better off I know. I am trying to let go my attachment to him. It is so hard.

I think you should keep venting. Honestly. Think about your anger. It is bubbling hot, you have to let it out. Vent here. Scream at him. Let it out. Big girl pants come with a release Valve. And sparkly boots are for his ass when next time he puts the tall glasses in the wrong place.

Gmc you are wonderful. Wrap yourself in self care and self love. You are worthy. You deserve to vent, you earned that right.

(((((Big hugs girl))))

OLD is weird. I feel like an item on the shelf. Lots of married asshats. They get lectured and blocked.

I have met a few nice people. But I donít know if I am really looking for dates to be honest. I think I am looking to know that people are interested in getting to know me. That is a bit dangerous I know. Until I know I am worth dating. I should not.

Many people just want a hook up. One SHORT man sent me a greeting and asked me if I would go away for the weekend with him. I had never chatted with him and I donít have a picture. Sad.

Others seem nice. I am chatting with a few that seem normal. And no one has said Ďyou are uglyí when I sent them my picture. So that is good.

So far it is ok but it is a time suck. Covid is my way of not actually going on dates. A safety net. A few want to meet anyway. Instant block.

I did get two dick Picts that were a surprise. The guy should really be proud. 😋

I feel like I am on startrek. Forging new worlds.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 7:03 AM, April 19th (Sunday)]

gmc94 posted 4/19/2020 16:07 PM

Hey TG (and thanks for the PM). We were S until Jan of this year when I went back to my out of town job - maintaining three homes when I'm away 1/2 of the time didn't work financially. But, I didn't plan for a pandemic and being home 24/7 (WH still goes to work every day, but my bet is he spends more time surfing the net than actually working). I was OK til the stay at home orders came down - I can handle his lack of motivation for a couple of days a week, have a nice meal, and enjoy having company. Like all things since dday, he just keeps his head firmly planted in the sand until I bring something up or have a trigger or something like that. He's intentionally obtuse about all things A-related. I can enjoy being around him, but he is not a safe partner for me. I'm not very interested in sharing my opinions on life with him anymore - and I guess that's just fine by him. It's not a healthy situation, IMO. He just keeps humming along as if he's the great guy Į\_(ツ)_/Į

EllieKMAS posted 4/20/2020 10:27 AM

gmc I hear you. And that doesn't seem silly to me at all. Because the irritation is not the thing - the THING is the underlying contempt and disregard. I felt the same way about my xshithole not making the damn bed.

I don't know about you, but when I think back on all the things I did to show him my regard of him and to show my care for his feelings, it makes it all the more insulting how little he ever showed for mine. And makes me mentally slap myself for how long I tolerated such crappiness.

You aren't crazy. And IMHO, after a cheat happens, there is no such thinig as a little issue anymore.

Tallgirl posted 4/20/2020 11:47 AM

Totally agree Ellie.

After the ultimate disrespect, small inconsiderate actions are seen for what they are. Inconsiderate behaviour.

Gmc, he isnít safe for anyone. Amazing that they donít change.

Edie posted 4/20/2020 16:02 PM

T/j Re sourdough, we just feed ours once a week, it doesnít need to be more, especially these days when flour is scarce, you want to keep it to make actual bread, not keep throwing it away.

Tall girl, Iím sorry, having been away for a while, to learn your news, I hope youíre ok; sounds like you are better off. Hug

Tallgirl posted 4/21/2020 19:09 PM

Ladies. 2/3rds of a bottle of red wine in. All is well with the world.

I have had one guy ask to meet up on the weekend. Covid care free anD proud his temp has been the same for four weeks straight, sent one phone number, and am giggling because one persons conversation starter is Hi.

Oh my. I should not drink. But it is kinda nice.

Hugs to you all.

TX1995 posted 4/23/2020 21:55 PM

Okay, I went back and read a bit, so hopefully I can cover the big stuff.

HHADL - Girl, you are amazing for going out and delivering things. I know you have to to pay bills, but I so appreciate everyone who is working with the public right now. I hope people are giving good tips to their delivery drivers! I have been overtipping my Amazon/Whole Foods delivery peeps in hopes that they know how appreciated they are! Side note: awesome that your therapist is being so flexible with you so that you can keep that outlet in your life.

GMC - I think you are CRAZY strong to be living in your house with WH. Ellie hit the nail on the head with this...

the THING is the underlying contempt and disregard.
. It's never about the little stuff. It is what the intent is behind the actions. Or in WH's case, the lack of regard for others. Perhaps this time is to strengthen your walls, your resolve and to really push you out of limbo? Sending love.

TG - Love the OLD. Holy crap on the people who are offering up themselves after temp checks. It must be good entertainment on the insanely boring nights!!

Shubininte - If you are still reading here, I can relate to a bit of this. I was not a virgin, but my WH was. Hence why I believed he did not sleep with her. I knew he was always embarrassed that I was his only, but I didn't realize how deeply that ran. He was ALWAYS feeling insecure when friends talked about sex lives. Funny, he added fucking a married whore at a conference in Vegas, in a parking garage at work and getting a blow job in a parking lot. All while both were married. None of those is he proud of and will ever brag about. Great way to pad your sexual resume, right? It's a huge sticking point for me. He gave her something NO ONE else had ever had. All for nothing. He didn't ever think he loved her, he was just a desperate coward.

As for me, I think I'm on a POLF lately. We did do something helpful today. If anyone remembers, the cOWhore left behind some of her things in the office when she left last year. One of which was a chair. Well, unfortunately the entire department she headed was let go from the company, including someone who lives near us. When WH called this person, they asked him to bring something back the next time he went to the office (no one is working there right now and this person did not want to go up there - I'm sure it's emotional ) Anyways, I know this person too, so WH and I went up there together and decided to clean out the entire space of this person and bring it to her. Also gave us the chance to take that damn chair out of the office (we took it to the person who was let go and pretended like we thought the whore had left it for her since they were friends prior to this company as well) and clear out any sign the whore left behind. And we did! I walked into every room in that place, took down any existing pictures, etc. It was VERY cathartic. WH felt the same and was surprised that I wanted to go, but glad that it was something I found helpful. I appreciate the fact that he is willing and supportive in doing these things - to make me feel a bit of closure in any way possible. I just let that whore and his choices take SO MUCH from me for the past three years. I can't be scared of her memory forever. I deserve to live my life however I choose. Whether I stay with WH or not, she isn't worthy of that much space in my life.

The only negative on giving the person her chair? I had already been daydreaming about taking an axe to it.

I actually pre-ordered Stephanie Carnes' next book called Courageous Love, which seems to be kind of a guide for how to recover.

On an unrelated note - is anyone else at the end of the COVID rope? I feel like I'm crazy. I've been really really good about staying home. I've gotten everything delivered, we've picked up food maybe 5 times since mid-March, but our mental health is really not so great. A 15 year old boy who can't play sports, a 12 yo girl who loves school and friends, and me, who LOVES being alone. We are all losing it very slowly. Oh, and our MC backed out of our last appt at the beginning of April (it was actually the 3rd anniversary of DDay 1) and when I told her that, has never responded. Have not heard a peep and not sure what to do about that. Our old counselor has checked in twice.

I hope you are all well. Or as well as can be. I've been reading (and really listening to books) like crazy.

Glennon Doyle's Untamed in AMAZING. Truly. Read it. Love her. Loved it. So much that I'm buying in print so I can underline shit. Also, loving her "morning meetings" on Instagram. And love watching her relationship with her wife. Makes you hopeful that sometimes life change is really good.

Also, reading Quit Like A Woman. It's about the culture of alcohol in society - especially relating to women. Makes me second guess my quarantine uptick in consumption. I think after I get out of this house, I'll make some serious changes.

Thinking of everyone!! Sending love and strength.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 10:22 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 4/27/2020 22:41 PM

Realistically speaking,

Why would any BS be inclined to offer a WH reconciliation? Cheaters murder marriages.

TX1995 posted 4/28/2020 11:19 AM

My working theory...

We offer R out of fear of the change and unknown. I think that a WS wants the marriage for those same reasons. (Because obviously they gave a shit about US when they had the affair.) My WH stayed out of fear of everyone knowing what a piece of shit he really was. I stayed because I believed his lies, and didn't want to throw away my entire family and 20 years of my life for a "kiss". Unlike him, I gave a shit. And he and I both know that had he told me the truth that day, his ass would have stayed in that hotel and everyone would have known.

So in review, a betrayed spouse is a decent human being. We cannot fathom someone being such a piece of shit that they would CONTINUE to treat those they "love" with disrespect. Yet, many times, they do just this. And until there is actual change that the BS sees PLUS can heal enough to get past it and build a new marriage OR until the BS decides the fear of the unknown is not as bad as the reality of what is, we stay.

I don't fault anyone for staying. I don't fault anyone for going. If there is a situation that is harmful, even then I see how difficult it is. We build a life and when it is destroyed we hang on to anything to keep afloat.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 11:22 AM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

TX1995 posted 4/28/2020 11:21 AM

HHADL - By the way, did you ever try the no yeast bread? Curious how it turned out. I found a nice tortilla recipe that uses oil instead of lard. (King Arthur's flour one if anyone is interested.) I'm a picky South Texas girl with my tortillas so only homemade will do - and Amazon Fresh and Whole Foods don't make them fresh.

northeasternarea posted 4/28/2020 14:30 PM

Realistically speaking,

Why would any BS be inclined to offer a WH reconciliation? Cheaters murder marriages.

There are probably as many answers as there are betrayed wives. I have always believed that a marriage 'could' survive/recover if that was what both parties wanted and were willing to work for. I made a list of pros and cons. For me, I didn't want to have two failed marriages was my initial reason. I didn't get married to get divorced. Now I stay prepared for divorce.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 2:35 PM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 4/28/2020 16:23 PM


Thank you for responding!

WH and I were discussing his disgusting choices, last night. He does admit that financially, he is motivated to stay in this marriage. He said it isnít the main reason, but it is a factor.

I am very morose. I just work, sleep, and hope God calls me home and away from this.

I told WH that we wonít get to go to the afterlife together because weíre going to different destinations. He doesnít think heíll go to Hell for his sins.

Ummm.... yes

20yrsagoBS posted 4/28/2020 16:24 PM

And what kind of red wine do you recommend?

I have not developed a taste for any

northeasternarea posted 4/28/2020 17:15 PM

And what kind of red wine do you recommend?

Pinot Noir or Merlot, served room temperature.

Or a sweet red blend.

gmc94 posted 4/28/2020 19:24 PM

We build a life and when it is destroyed we hang on to anything to keep afloat.
That was my perspective on dday and for year1 and part of year2. Taking awhile to figure out how to float on my own

Red wine suggestions? Anything you like!
Sweet or dry?
tannens or not so much?
Berry or tobacco?

There are so many factors that people differ on. I usually like a dry, full body with a berry hit. But most days I'm not that picky (I just hate the sweet wines... unless it's a good port).

20yrsagoBS posted 4/28/2020 22:36 PM

Would you ladies post the brand of wines so I know what to shop for?

LadyG posted 4/28/2020 23:40 PM

I am new to this site, just not new to his infidelity. With COVID and social distancing, he is desperate to have me back to organise his life. I am not going back ever. His dual personality is coming out more and more. I am a slave to him, no more. He tried very hard to destroy me, using Sex, Love and Violence as a weapon. He has nothing else to offer He initated a half assed attempt at Reconciliation last September, 3 months after I had moved out of the house we shared. I didn't want him back in my life and he just couldn't accept this. I told him that I just don't like him. I will love him as the father of our adult children but that's where it stops. I pray and Meditate. He self medicates. He forced me to take Prozac and Valium to keep me quiet and compliant during our marriage. He again is only offering me more mind rotting medication in order to control my emotions. He wants to render me deaf, dumb and blind again. With the help of Buddha my heart, mind and soul are alive again and I am ready for enlightenment. Sorry, I do not intend for this to be a Religious post. Buddha is just my new friend and my only true friend. My STBX hated me gaining any knowledge as knowledge is empowering and strengthening. He wanted me weak and pliable. Our Children are all adults and have their own lives. They are essential and fundamentally good people despite having a Narc father. I did my best to protect them from him. They too wished I had left earlier. They too wished I was strong enough to leave before they were even born. There's nothing I can do to change this now, but I try to ease their own pain and suffering as much as I possibly can. I have no idea what the future now holds, but I refuse to go back to relive the past. Thank you. Blessings to all the lovely ladies here. LadyG

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