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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 3

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HeHadADoubleLife posted 1/28/2020 13:28 PM

Ok Iíve been sitting outside of DDís house for half an hour, waiting because her BF and Bfís mom have told her that the apartment manager is not allowed to know she lives there or even see her. The manager happens to be out and about cleaning and what not, I can see her through the front door to the building.

She called me to let me know why she hadnít come out and she was whispering so low I could barely hear her. I asked her if the manager is normally out, and she said yes during the day. So I asked, do you just stay inside all day? She said yes. So my DD is living like a fucking hermit!! How is this healthy?!?!

Confirmed that she still does not even have a key to the house! She has a key to my house. So she basically ďlivesĒ with me, just spends all of her time with him. WTF??

Since I have some time to kill, Iíll respond to some other things. Coco, is it possible that your H feels inadequate for his inability to ďhelpĒ you with your major depressive disorder? And in searching for other diagnoses, he is trying to ďhelp,Ē thinking well, whatever sheís doing obviously isnít working if sheís still depressed, so maybe itís something else?? Therefore looking for other diagnoses like BD or BPD. When loved ones are in trouble and we canít ďfix it,Ē we CODís tend to scramble trying to solve the problem.

I hear what youíre saying in that you donít feel he is manipulative. I will only say that some of the behavior youíve recently described is in direct contradiction with that. Also, passive-aggression is manipulation.

You might be more ďimmuneĒ to it because of your childhood with your mother.

C-PTSD is complex PTSD. Basically, regular PTSD comes from a singular traumatic event - being in a hum-v that gets blown up, being at a concert where someone shoots up the place, being in a horrific car accident. Itís more traditionally associated with veterans. Complex PTSD is due to prolonged states of stress/trauma. The threshold for what constitutes trauma when it comes to C-PTSD is lower, because itís the duration of time that one endures the trauma, not the level of trauma that contributes. For example, if someone gets yelled at once, that might not necessarily be considered a traumatic event. But the ďpervasive atmosphereĒ you describe? Thatís fertile soil for C-PTSD. There donít need to be any specific incidents of overt trauma for your experience to be traumatic.

Iím learning a lot about this in therapy. I have a hard time describing my childhood as anything but good or normal. Not idyllic, but ďbetter than most.Ē I have a hard time seeing what I went through as traumatic because I can always point to other people and see how they had it so much worse.

It is much more covert than regular old abuse. You donít have bruises or broken bones. But you are systematically broken down over a long period of time. And that is not to say we are not strong, independent, badass, and confident. Often survivors of emotional neglect/abuse are all of those things, in spite of their upbringing. I know I would HATE to be considered weak. Itís one of the reasons I fucking hate the CoD label. It feels like a value judgement. I fucking hate the victim label too. But it might be worth exploring

CallingSpades posted 1/28/2020 18:32 PM

HHADL, thank you for the song! Now I know why Spotify keeps suggesting Halsey for me.

Did you say how long DD20 has been with this guy? Because her situation sounds... not safe. Thank goodness you're there to give her some perspective!

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/28/2020 19:58 PM

Forgot my good news. I most likely have another yoga teaching gig. It's only twice a month, which isn't much, but it pays more than my other class.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/28/2020 20:33 PM

HHADL, that situation with your DD doesn't make sense to me. It sounds like she could easily show that she lives with you and just hangs put there a lot. I guess if the landlord could prove that she has spent the night consecutively for an extended period, they could get in trouble, but that seems like it would be difficult to prove.

My dad stayed with is on the base in California for 3 months, at least. We didn't tell anyone. He went for several daily walks. Plenty of neighbors saw him and commented on how they were wondering who he belonged to. No one from housing ever questioned us.

If I said my H isn't manipulative, I misspoke. I know that passive aggressiveness and CoD ate extremely manipulative. What I meant was that he doesn't do the things you described. He doesn't act like everything is my fault, that I cause problems. Maybe it was confusing because I said he went to counseling with the idea that I was the only with problems. What I meant by that was my depression. I am the one with the mental illness, diagnosed at least. One thing he has actually been doing really well on since all of this shit is acknowledging his part in things. Not trying to excuse him for anything. Just explaining stuff.

I do think he was looking for something besides depression. I think depression is not considered so serious, a lot of the time. It's just depression. It's not like I get manic and lose my mind. He didn't know anything about mental illness. He thought he could make me happy. When he couldn't, he had to find out why. He wouldn't accept that it wasn't his job to make me happy no matter how many times I told him. That seems very CoD to me, not narcissistic.

I spent a lot of years not realizing that I was abused as a child. Like you, I looked at other people's situations as abusive, but not mine. The child who was whipped with a belt or hit by his parents or left alone all the time while the parents were out partying or wasn't fed regularly. Those kids were abused. Not me. But, I knew my mom was messed up and my childhood was not good.

I was in my late 30s, I think, when a therapist told me what my mother did was abusive. It wasn't until 2107 that I had someone tell me it was traumatic and help me work through that. Hm...maybe that's why the EMDR I did after that didn't work. I had already worked through that trauma.

I'm sure I forgot something. My 12yo is interrupting and distracting me because he wants hp with his homework.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/29/2020 14:37 PM

Creepy teacher update. Remember the teacher I told y'all about who asked my then 15yo son if his dad was single because he's cute? Then, my son got student of the month the first month in that class. He had ordered some girl scout cookies from that teacher. He texted me and said he saved us $5. He said that's one of the perks of having a teacher crushing on your dad. She gave him a box of cookies because he's her favorite. 🤔

Glashalffull posted 1/29/2020 16:58 PM

I say, take back the cookies. Tell her to give them to someone who isnít married! Tech that loosy goosynwench a thing to two! What a skank!

CallingSpades posted 1/29/2020 21:22 PM

Coco, that teacher... Just yuck. She should be reported. Keep records of this stuff (like you need another thing to worry about). Not only is it creepy in terms of your H, but what is she teaching your son? And all the other kids who see this going on?? She should be a role model. And what gives her the right to stir up this drama in your life? What a ho.

And congrats on the yoga gig! That's awesome!

Thislife posted 1/29/2020 21:29 PM


Iíve been here for 3 years and have never visited this thread. Itís a nice surprise ... more supportive and less aggressive.

Can anyone tell me how to have a dead ICR thread reopened? Is it just asking a mod?

Thanks for any help ... Iíll join in here too but it seems I have some reading to catch up on just to know whatís happening.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/30/2020 08:45 AM

Thislife, I would ask a mod. I don't know for sure how it works. I think I read once that something has to have a certain amount of traffic before it gets made into an ICR thread.

CS, I was just thinking that I need to keep records of these things. The creepiest thing for me is wondering if she might transfer the crush to my son. Everyone says he looks just like his dad and he has matured a lot this year.

I hadn't really thought about other kids noticing the teacher's behavior. My son was really creeped out when the teacher asked about his dad. As she did it, she and the other teacher giggled about how handsome my H is. My son was like, "Uuummm, yeah...he's married to my mom." At least one of those teachers is married, too. I think the other is in a relationship with one of the athletic coaches at the school. Why do I even know this much personal info about these teachers?

I haven't reported her (yet) because I don't want her to screw with my son. I figure if she's immature enough to behave this way, she's probably also immature enough to be vindictive and take it out on my son. My H even said we should report her. He also said that he won't have any contact with those teachers. If anything comes up with them, he will defer to me.

I say, take back the cookies

But, but, they're girl scout cookies! I'm gonna eat the fuck outta those things!

Of course, there's the whole other question about why said teacher is peddling girl scout cookies to her high school students, presumably for her daughter. As my H said, that seems unethical.

HHADL, I didn't mean to ignore your question about the condom wrapper. I do believe my son on that one. We knew he was sexually active. We had an almost crisis involving that. I had found condoms in his pockets before while doing laundry. So, it's not shocking that he would have a torn condom wrapper in his pocket. And, I had washed a load of just his clothes right before the load the wrapper fell out of. The way he finally fessed up to it, too, was very believable to me. If you could've seen his face when I showed him the wrapper...

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/30/2020 12:28 PM

Anyone want to do me a solid and read 66charger's post on my therapist narcissist H thread in general? I usually get very annoyed with what he says. I know it's in response to my comment about the military because I saw that in the email notification. It's my thread and I want to keep up with it, but I don't want to be antagonized.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 1/30/2020 12:43 PM

Not worth a read coco. I already read it when he posted last night, I went back and forth about whether to respond to him, but decided not to fuel the fire.

There are good responses in there from other members (I think 2 since you last posted), but if you go back to reading there I would suggest just skipping over his post. Don't even reply.

Glashalffull posted 1/30/2020 15:51 PM

Yeah, donít respond. Just leave that one be. He forgets...YOU are military as well as your kids. There is a reason why military AND families are thanked. Sheese. There is one in every crowd, isnít there?
Ok, so I get it that they are girls out cookies...hey! How about a thank you note just from you for the cookies! Maybe even be snarky enough to say your husband hates the damned things.

[This message edited by Glashalffull at 10:50 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

crazyblindsided posted 1/30/2020 15:58 PM

I just read it too Coco not only is he an ass but he is totally off topic in your thread.

While I respect the military I have a lot of issues with our military following orders that I would never support like all of our endless BS (not blind spouse) wars. It's a touchy subject for me.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/30/2020 16:32 PM

Thanks, all. That's what I figured. He never disappoints with his ability to...what? I don't know. Piss me off, I guess.

I knew some of my comments about the military would piss some people off. That's why I added the comment about not saying there are nu o intelligent people in the military. Oh well. Can't please 'em all.

Maybe I should pay for the premium access just so I can block people.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/30/2020 17:09 PM

Well, I failed. I responded to him. I couldn't help read his post. It wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. I mostly laughed at it. I think having ypu guys tell me about it provided a little bit of a buffer, like when I wouldn't watch the walking dead until I knew who survived a few seasons into it.

CallingSpades posted 1/30/2020 22:38 PM

I think 66charger is offended because he identifies with the individuals to whom you were referring. IDK... Truth hurts.

Finally talked to OBS tonight. He "feels like a new man," and finally understands why he was being accused of infidelity, guilted, and rejected by AP. They were on the road to D anyways before I contacted him, AP's choice. I guess she began rejecting him about a year before the A (that we know of... I think the EA may have been going on longer now that I have OBS's story) and it was an exit A for her.

Well, I'm glad that bitch found herself by destroying my M and almost her own H as well.

I have to say I was surprised. He was blown away by finding out about the A, but still filled with insights and very open about his own story. Very realistic about his past and future with WW. I didn't expect that. I mean I have learned a lot and also talk a LOT lately, especially about infidelity and my story, but he took the words right out of my mouth and I had nothing left to tell him!

He did make sure to mention that he doesn't know my WH and didn't have any concrete plans to either destroy his face or murder him. Lol. I mean, I'm hoping for Karma but I don't want to be the one that phoned Karma and gave him WH's lat/long. So thanks for the peace of mind, OBS.

It feels like I've accomplished something, anyway. Getting an unwitting BS out of the one-down position that his cheater put him in. Shining light on the truth. Sticking a pin in the bubble of AP's perfect image that she apparently has sold everyone on, even the H that she was emotionally abusing.

Many thanks to TX for giving me the support to get in touch with OBS. You all are the best!!

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/31/2020 07:41 AM

Good for you, CS! The OBS deserves the truth no matter what. I sure him having a concrete answer to his CW's behavior helps. Did he say he was going to confront her with this latest, or are they already separated and done?

My H is now acknowledging and thanking me when I call him on his bad behavior toward our boys. He used to either deny or ignore, probably out of defensiveness. Or, maybe because his narcissistic self was gaslighting me.

I've been thinking a lot about the gaslighting. I know my H tried to gaslight me about his A. I know he tried to gaslight me before the A by denying that he was upset or angry when he obviously was. Now, I'm wondering if all the times he has denied lying when it was later proven he had not told the truth was him trying to gaslight me rather than a difference in opinion about what lying and dishonesty are. That's something I think I need to discuss with my IC.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/31/2020 08:08 AM

Thank goodness! Just took a narcissist quiz. I scored an 8. Average is 12-15. Narcissists score over 20. I can declare that I am NOT the father, I mean not a narcissist! Whew!

Now, I wonder if I could get my H to answer the quiz honestly.

Blackheart11419 posted 1/31/2020 13:42 PM

After everything I am going through minus my IL and all that. My nerves are about shot and Idk what to do. I feel like I am drowning under our finances and with all the bad luck happening lately how much do I need to be tested before I yell enough is enough. I cant handle this anymore. I feel like I am drowning and no life reserve is their to catch me. My H is being as supported as he can be but thats not even enough right now.

Blackheart11419 posted 1/31/2020 13:42 PM

After everything I am going through minus my IL and all that. My nerves are about shot and Idk what to do. I feel like I am drowning under our finances and with all the bad luck happening lately how much do I need to be tested before I yell enough is enough. I cant handle this anymore. I feel like I am drowning and no life reserve is their to catch me. My H is being as supported as he can be but thats not even enough right now.

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