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The Funeral

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squid posted 11/4/2019 08:07 AM

CatsNTats,

You're in my thoughts. I lost my dad last month. I had/have mixed emotions about his passing and they way he was portrayed at his funeral. Yes, he had so many accomplishments, lived a full life full of accolades. But he was also a serial cheater that betrayed good women and wrought havoc on innocent children's lives.

He sort of brought is demise upon of himself too. A physician, he was trying to treat himself of his chronic diseases. So much so that in the end his body pretty much went into total failure.

I understand the feeling of loss and the conflicted emotions that can come with it. Don't beat yourself up too much. You loved him the only way you knew how. Some people are hell bent on their own destruction, no matter who they also leave destroyed in their wake.

If your in-laws are entitled to nothing then give them nothing. Get the law involved if they persist. You don't need that toxic energy in your life.

Like Odonna, I'm fearing the imminent death of a dear SI friend. Someone who deserves none of what he was dealt, but continues to have grace and dignity in spite of everything. And even though I never met him in real life, I feel like I'm truly about to lose a friend.

That was a bit of a t/j.

Sending hugs and positive vibes your way.


DevastatedDee posted 11/4/2019 11:13 AM

I haven't been to a single funeral that seemed to reflect who the person really was or how they actually lived their lives. This is typical and it's so easy to blow it off until you're listening to a complete rewrite about someone you're close to dying.

Again, I am so so sorry that you're living what I feared last year. I would have been at my XWH's funeral with the same thoughts and same realization that he would say he did it because he lost me. It's all bullshit, Cats. You know that. He did it because he wanted to. He never had to lose you in the first place. He made that happen. Addicts drive everyone away and then have pity parties about being abandoned. That's textbook. Unfortunately, this kind of end is also pretty textbook.

I don't know what comfort it is to know that his pain is over. His ability to cause you new pain is also over. Please don't let him give you pain after his death by taking ANY responsibility for how he ended it. Trying to control an addict is a fool's errand and you and everyone else would have failed to keep him alive if he were determined to die. He was too far down to see or hear any of you.

Please try to take care of yourself the best you can right now. I know that's a tall order, but you deserve it.

CatsNTats posted 11/4/2019 12:21 PM

@DD


It's all bullshit, Cats. You know that. He did it because he wanted to. He never had to lose you in the first place. He made that happen. Addicts drive everyone away and then have pity parties about being abandoned. That's textbook. Unfortunately, this kind of end is also pretty textbook

I'm not sure I was able to see that before you said it, but I did need to hear that. Thank you.

Shehawk posted 11/4/2019 13:09 PM

(((cats)))

EllieKMAS posted 11/4/2019 13:33 PM

Hugging you hard CnT!!

I know you know this, but you do not need to own any guilt whatsoever about the choices he made. You did the best you could and loved him the best you could. Unfortunately that demon of his was too big - for you and way too big for him. It is horrendously sad that his bottom was this.

Just one foot in front of the other and please be kind to yourself right now!

DevastatedDee posted 11/4/2019 14:57 PM

I'm not sure I was able to see that before you said it, but I did need to hear that. Thank you.

Thank YOU. You have just provided me with the only positive reason for me having that knowledge.

HopefulTelephone posted 11/4/2019 20:38 PM

Just wanted to say I've done BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) for quite a while and not only is it a ton of fun to train, the community is also very friendly and welcoming. Most gyms will have some sort of drop in policy to allow you to try the gym out for a day, sometimes for free if you're a prospective student.

Thought I'd mention since you talked about taking Jiu Jitsu to help with the anger. If there's a good boxing or kickboxing gym near you that would work well too.

[This message edited by HopefulTelephone at 8:39 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

barcher144 posted 11/5/2019 08:56 AM

My condolences Cat. I'd give you a hug if I could.

Insanity. And unfortunately the people who love addicts are also profoundly traumatized by their actions.

This is literally true. This is why Alanon exists. Have you looked into it? My GF says that it is amazing... and free.

YOU did nothing wrong. Those in denial who chose to make you the bad guy are still in denial.

100% true. You need to let go of any self-blame that you have. He did this to himself. You asked for help from others and they didn't help. You did what you could do, what you should have done. Let it go, to the best that you can.

Please do some nice things for yourself and know that so many SI members are holding you in the LIGHT...

Also, 100% true. You need to take care of yourself. Focus on you. Really, it's okay. It's even good to take care of yourself.

Westway posted 11/5/2019 09:27 AM

One thing I do know - I don't owe these people a fucking thing.

No you don't. And please do not blame yourself in any way for what your xH did to himself. NONE of it was your fault. He made choices in his life. Did his fucked up upbringing have a lot to do with those choices? Yeah probably, but you know what? Tough shit. There are a lot of well adjusted, decent people in the world who had shitty parents and crappy upbringings, and yet those people made the choice not to grow up to be idiots. Your husband made the choice to let that poison into his body, and he made the choice to continue on with his addiction. You had nothing to do with any of that, so please don't let guilt worm its way into your soul.

Lalagirl posted 11/5/2019 10:56 AM

Oh, Cats, my heart breaks for you, sweetie. ((((HUGS))))

Alonelyagain posted 11/5/2019 14:32 PM

CatsNTats. My condolences.

To follow up on what HopefulTelephone just wrote, Iíve taken both JiuJitsu and kickboxing, and echo what he says about the community being friendly and welcoming. While you may lose yourself while concentrating in a JiuJitsu class, kickboxing is much better for getting your anger out! In fact, post-D my anger is naturally waning and am finding myself less motivated to go to kickboxing class regularly. Less of a need, I guess.

fadedrainbow posted 11/10/2019 01:09 AM

I am so sorry, you are in my thoughts. In time I pray may you heal from this awful trauma and go forward knowing you loved. You loved inspite of the fact that he was a broken and very sad person. Remember, only you know what the truth of your relationship was, not the friends and family.
Addicts cannot love themselves and addiction is slow suicide.
You could have done nothing to change the outcome of his demise, please believe it. I truly can imagine your pain and hope you have someone to talk to and cry with. Sending hugs.

CatsNTats posted 11/12/2019 23:31 PM

Thank you for the condolences and words of support/virtual hugs. All of you. It means a lot. I'd hug you all back if I could. And maybe cry and snot on your shoulder for a minute too during the hug...

I haven't had time to respond. Literally buried myself in my studies the last week and a half. Had to or I wasn't going to make it through this semester.

Squid, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry to hear about your SI friend. My heart goes out to you.

Some people are hell bent on their own destruction, no matter who they also leave destroyed in their wake.

This is true. I do believe he was hell bent on destroying himself and everything around him - and me. He got me. This really fucked me up. It's been one foot in front of the other each day. I am starting to feel less of that "hit by a truck feeling." But I've got enough stuff to keep my mind busy and I really don't want to flunk out of nursing school my first semester. The class I was struggling in - I pulled a 93.34% on the exam last Thurs. It put me up to the exam average we have to meet that I wasn't before and the class average. Still have a lot of hard work ahead of me.

In life it felt like he tried to sabotage me - and didn't want me to succeed in this. And now in death. Fuck. But I am working my ass off to not let that happen.

Unfortunately that demon of his was too big - for you and way too big for him.
Yeah, Ellie, you are right. I used to think I could save him. I didn't really think he'd actually do this, but destruction has been his path for a long time and he left me in his wake.

There are a lot of well adjusted, decent people in the world who had shitty parents and crappy upbringings, and yet those people made the choice not to grow up to be idiots. Your husband made the choice to let that poison into his body, and he made the choice to continue on with his addiction. You had nothing to do with any of that, so please don't let guilt worm its way into your soul.

I am one of those well adjusted people that came from a crappy upbringing - and shitty childhood. I know it's possible. I know I went through a lot more than he did growing up.

I do recognize that I did everything I could to help him. My conscious is clear on that end. I just know he did this because he could no longer get a hold of me and he told me he would not live without me. BUT - Who actually believes someone would do this to themselves because they "can't live without someone." It's fucking crazy. Really - crazy. This was his last thing to get me. And he did. He got me. He has put a huge dent in my life. Just trying to get through this semester, going to therapy, and hoping the FB stops trying to share memories of us with me on the daily. My anger has subsided some, but I will probably still seek something physical that involves me putting my fist into something.


My condolences Cat. I'd give you a hug if I could.

Thanks Barcher. Appreciate you.

This is why Alanon exists.
<--That (Alanon) is why I could never get his mother to step in. Their hands off approach did jack shit for me and it did jack shit to get her to help me. Pretty sure she's one of the people that will wind up kicking herself later for not listening to me to begin with. Unfortunately, I didn't finding bawling my eyes out and telling my story to a bunch of strangers that just stare at me with no advice very useful. I can do that in therapy - in private. I would rather pay to have someone watch me cry than sit in another one of those meetings - no offense.

...addiction is slow suicide.
Shit. yeah. it is.

DevastatedDee posted 11/13/2019 08:51 AM

I do recognize that I did everything I could to help him. My conscious is clear on that end. I just know he did this because he could no longer get a hold of me and he told me he would not live without me. BUT - Who actually believes someone would do this to themselves because they "can't live without someone." It's fucking crazy. Really - crazy. This was his last thing to get me. And he did. He got me. He has put a huge dent in my life. Just trying to get through this semester, going to therapy, and hoping the FB stops trying to share memories of us with me on the daily. My anger has subsided some, but I will probably still seek something physical that involves me putting my fist into something.

Cats, if my XWH had succeeded in deliberately killing himself last year after I left him and I said "I know he did this because I left him and wouldn't answer his calls and texts", what would you say to me?

And here's the really sad part about the family hanging back and following the advice of Alanon about detaching. They wouldn't have been able to help. They could have all camped out in his front yard and he still would have carried on in this direction. I can't be angry at my BIL and SIL who cut my XWH off completely when he was on drugs. What did they miss out on? They missed out on pain, kept more of their money, and aren't questioning themselves because they know for an absolute fact that nothing they ever said or did made any difference to him when he was an active addict. My XWH's mom is in constant emotional turmoil and bleeding money because she can't or won't detach from him. That's the reality of it. They removed themselves from being more collateral damage, although of course those of them who have human feelings (not your FIL obviously) are still hurt by him.

Addicts are not controllable. You can't make them do, say or think anything. My XWH was either going to accidentally kill himself while I was with him or kill himself on purpose when I wasn't. I still have a great deal of anger towards him for putting me in the position of becoming a person who had to save herself by saying "You killing yourself would be sad, but that is your choice. I can't make that for you. I can't fix your feelings." And then blocking. And waiting for the news.

You have been through a huge trauma. Huge. My XWH didn't actually kill himself and I'm hugely traumatized by just the threats and belief that he would. My heart really does go out to you. I hope that you can really internalize that this was nothing to do with what you did or didn't do for him.

And by the way, nicely done kicking ass at life during all this. I am in awe!

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 8:52 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

DevastatedDee posted 11/13/2019 12:03 PM

I was just thinking about all this, Cats, and what you're going through. I don't know if this is helpful to you or not. I remember when I isolated what the real damage to me as a human was regarding my XWH's suicide threats/attempts. I had to face the fact that given a choice between going back to him and him killing himself, I was choosing that he kill himself. I am still not comfortable with this because it is an incredibly unnatural and unhealthy situation for a decent person to be put into. Nothing about how I felt was congruent with my view of myself as a good person with a heart. I believe that it was still the right choice on my part, but it is not a choice that anyone should ever be faced with. There's no way to feel good about it. It is the cruelest manipulation. Your WH succeeded where mine failed, but it was still manipulation and it was still cruel.

CatsNTats posted 11/13/2019 12:37 PM

Dee, you're right. Thank you. My mind gets going and I get a little wound up.

But, as far as my MIL with Alanon goes - instead of addressing the real issue of his addiction she told him our relationship was toxic. And at that point it was - but that day - that day when I called her to talk him off a ledge when he kept cornering me and putting his fingers up to his head like a gun - on speaker phone I heard her say it. And I said something asking about why she was avoiding the real issue of his addiction - blaming the relationship instead. I mean, there's detaching - then there's blaming something else. I sure as shit didn't make him drink. And I sure as shit didn't make him drink himself to death either. I wasn't what was toxic - I was the only one there trying desperately to save him and when I reached out, I got shit like that. So if that's the Alanon way - I don't want it.

I did go to meetings the year prior. They still didn't do anything really. Just listened. I just didn't take anything from it.

CatsNTats posted 11/13/2019 12:48 PM

I remember when I isolated what the real damage to me as a human was regarding my XWH's suicide threats/attempts. I had to face the fact that given a choice between going back to him and him killing himself, I was choosing that he kill himself. I am still not comfortable with this because it is an incredibly unnatural and unhealthy situation for a decent person to be put into. Nothing about how I felt was congruent with my view of myself as a good person with a heart.

This. I do question myself still about leaving. I knew I had to. I knew I wasn't safe. But - would staying have stopped this? Or would I be dead too? No matter what - I didn't want him dead. I'm not sure when I'll ever really feel closure from this. This will always stick with me. It's always going to be there. It will always be in the back of my mind. Right now in the front of it. But it's always going to be there.

My brother told me the day he was found that I can't save everyone. I know. I know that - but with the heart I have, I'll probably die trying. And things like this will always haunt me.

EllieKMAS posted 11/13/2019 12:48 PM

CNT - Hope you are hangin in there.

As far as alanon - your MIL clearly took NOTHING from it if she was saying that alanon would back up her saying that his addiction was because you were toxic. No. Nononono.

His addiction had nothing to do with you. Or his FOO. Or that one guy that was mean to him that one time. Addicts are masters of manipulation. They twist you up and think in circles and get everyone else on the boat so they can avoid looking at themselves at all.

Alanon teaches: you did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. Those are the 3 C's. Notice there is nothing in there about assigning the blame somewhere else.

And that is the cornerstone of dealing with an addict. Once you can really internalize those three C's, your outlook changes. Not saying it is magic and makes it all better all of a sudden, but it allows you to put down any 'responsibility' you have been carrying for the addict. It took me 20 years to do that with my alcoholic mother. It isn't easy to do.

I bet you are still kinda all over the place and that's ok. Like I've said and will reiterate - his addiction was HIS demon. It had nothing to do with you. It is perfectly OK for you to be sad because it is always sad when an addict loses that battle, no matter how fucked up their life/relationships had become. It is tragic. Grieve the person that was in there under all that crap. Do not take any ownership or responsibility for his choice.

ETA:

I do question myself still about leaving. I knew I had to. I knew I wasn't safe. But - would staying have stopped this?

No - there is nothing you could have done/not done/said/ not said that would have changed him at all. For an addict to get better they have to WANT to change. That comes from in them, not from any external source.

There is NO shame in putting your health and well-being first.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 12:50 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

gmc94 posted 11/13/2019 13:51 PM

CNT: Just sending hugs and positive vibes.

I found my WH hanging from a rope about 8 month after dday. He survived, but the event still haunts me. Now, my DD is in active addiction. I have kicked her out of my home, so she is living with her dad, who is living in that emotional turmoil I've somehow managed to detach from (maybe I should thank WH or higher power for forcing me to find the tools on this front). Every time my phone rings with an unknown number I wonder if it will be "the call". She is all of 23 years old. Was a model kid, extremely smart and funny and empathetic and beautiful, but on an increasingly detrimental downward spiral since she left for college (she's now dropped out completely).

Like DevastatedD, it's been difficult to cope with - on both the WH and the DD fronts. I think my WH may have gotten over the biggest hurdles, but I still have moments where I wonder if he will do it again - in a fashion where he will not be found until he's beyond resuscitation. My DD is in so deep right now, and completely refuses any treatment. I honestly believe that absent treatment, she will be dead w/in a year, whether from OD, the criminals that keep the drug trade going, or by her own hand.

I had to face the fact that given a choice between going back to him and him killing himself, I was choosing that he kill himself. I am still not comfortable with this because it is an incredibly unnatural and unhealthy situation for a decent person to be put into. Nothing about how I felt was congruent with my view of myself as a good person with a heart. I believe that it was still the right choice on my part, but it is not a choice that anyone should ever be faced with. There's no way to feel good about it. It is the cruelest manipulation.
This is an incredibly painful pill to swallow, but when one loves an addict or someone with suicidal tendencies, swallow it we must.

I get that Alanon isn't your thing, but Ellie's absolutely right: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you could never have cured it. There was - quite literally - not one thing you could have done. These were his shitty choices and whatever prompted them, it was also his shitty choice to refuse treatment.

I am so sorry for this loss. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I pray you find peace.

DevastatedDee posted 11/13/2019 19:15 PM

But, as far as my MIL with Alanon goes - instead of addressing the real issue of his addiction she told him our relationship was toxic. And at that point it was - but that day - that day when I called her to talk him off a ledge when he kept cornering me and putting his fingers up to his head like a gun - on speaker phone I heard her say it. And I said something asking about why she was avoiding the real issue of his addiction - blaming the relationship instead. I mean, there's detaching - then there's blaming something else. I sure as shit didn't make him drink. And I sure as shit didn't make him drink himself to death either. I wasn't what was toxic - I was the only one there trying desperately to save him and when I reached out, I got shit like that. So if that's the Alanon way - I don't want it.

I did go to meetings the year prior. They still didn't do anything really. Just listened. I just didn't take anything from it.

Yeah, your MIL wasn't following the Alanon stuff. She was finding excuses, anything to blame but her son. My MIL blamed my XWH's first wife for his drug problem. She left him and he cleaned up and was in great recovery. When he relapsed with me several years into the relationship, she told me that she had blamed his ex, but knew that wasn't the problem given how great our relationship had been and how good I had been for him.

This crap is hard on parents and they don't always react rationally. They don't want it to be their kid's fault. Has to be something outside that messed them up.

His parents don't sound like fabulous people in the first place, though.

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