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3 weeks post D-day

devastated717 posted 10/22/2019 14:15 PM

I am almost 3 weeks post d-day, married 11 years. My H became suspicious about my behavior and went into my Facebook and discovered that I had reached out to a couple of ex boyfriends, which is something that I knew he wouldn't like. He then went into my email and discovered nude photos I had exchanged with an old lover 8 and 10 years ago. When we were engaged he discovered an inappropriate sexual chat with this same person and we almost didn't get married because of it. So what I did was so awful. He wants a divorce, and I am devastated. We have three small children. We are in counseling twice a week, this is our second week. I started IT last week and he is starting IT on Thursday. I am so broken up over what I have done to him. I ruined our lives, and I did it for nothing. I wrote him an email a little bit ago that I wanted to share. I am so lost, I am so distraught. I feel like a monster. I am clinging to a small shred of hope that he will forgive me, but it all seems so impossible to get over.

Hubs-

Bearing witness to the pain I have caused you is the worst feeling imaginable. You are the person in the universe that I love the most, and I am the person that hurt you the most. I cannot undo what I did. I broke my own heart. I destroyed my own life. I am the villain of my own story. My behavior has had a catastrophic impact on your well-being, and that is soul-crushing.

The impulsive, horrific choices I made were reprehensible, immoral, and selfish. They are inexcusable. They were the ultimate betrayal and violation of our marriage vows. And I did those things with a lowlife, asshole piece of shit that meant nothing. A whim. A fart in the wind. I destroyed our life over nothing. I did the worst thing I could have done with the worst person. It is beyond shameful.

I look at our beautiful children, and I hate myself so much for robbing them of the life that they deserved. I saw us raising our boys and growing old together so clearly in my mind. Decades of shared experiences and joys and sorrows, a lifetime togetherÖ gone. I ruined the lives of my precious babies before they were even born. They deserved better, and you deserved better. You deserved so much better.

I am sorry for the way I have treated you. I have grossly taken you for granted. I feel like I was sleeping before, and now that I have lost you, I have been jolted awake and realized, to my horror, just how lucky I was and how ungrateful I acted. You were the greatest gift I could have possibly been given, and I ruined it. You are a great man. I love you. I love being part of your family, part of your every day. You are my soul mate.

I should have made your needs my top priority, instead of my own. I should have recognized that you were unhappy with me, and worked to fix that. I shut you out when I was feeling angry, or frustrated, or lonely instead of talking to you constructively about the way I was feeling. I took out my bad moods on you, and made you feel like you werenít loved or cared for. Love is more than words, its actions, and my daily behavior towards you was often unloving. And that is terrible.

In our physical relationship, I let you down in many ways. Rather than working on it, or talking about it, or attempting to examine why I was withholding affection from you, you were left to suffer. You are a sexy, desirable, handsome man, and I should have made you feel that way.

Iím sorry for the lies and the mistrust and paranoia I made you experience. Iím sorry for not respecting your wishes and requests. Iím sorry for making you carry such a heavy burden for our family, and that you were made to feel like you were doing it all alone. You are an incredible person.

Finally going to individual therapy this afternoon is something that terrifies me to my core, but its time to confront myself critically and reveal the inglorious truth about my flawed self. This isnít meant to diminish or dismiss what I did, but to shed light on issues that I have fought really hard not to acknowledge or own. Iíd like to share some of these things with you at some point, if you are open to it. This will be the hardest work Iíll ever do in my life, but I canít be who I need to be without doing it. I want to behave in a more conscious and conscientious way in the future. I am going to work like crazy to be the best person I can be. I owe it to you and our boys. I know we have to cohabitate for a while no matter what, so I would like us to continue to go to therapy, and I will make you and this family my only priority, as it always should have been. You deserve to be treated like a king and thatís what Iím going to do, for the little bit of time I have left. I want to help soak up the anxiety and the bitterness that is inside you, I want to help drain the venom. I am the person that hurt you, and I want to be the person that helps begin to heal you. I am really glad you are going to go to therapy too, and that we are also going to counseling together. I say this not in hopes of reconciliation or for forgiveness, but because I think that getting help is vitally important for us. Pushing the ugly, awful shit down is corrosive and damaging. We canít let the dark, black hole of this depressing situation swallow up our children. Our boys need both of us. And right now, when I think about the reality of the fact that I have broken up our family and ruined our lives, it sends me into a tailspin. But please know that I am ready and willing to hear every bit of of your anger and sadness and whatever other feelings are are feeling, at any time.

I love you so much. You are my everything. You are my person. You are an amazing father, and my best friend in the world. Your love and companionship are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will never, ever, forgive myself for what I have done. I canít begin to describe the shame and the guilt, and the utter despair over what I have put you through. And knowing that I could have spent the rest of my life by your side will haunt me forever, every second of every day. I will be so lonely and lost without you, but I deserve that.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Forever.

BluesPower posted 10/22/2019 16:08 PM

Did you send this... I hope not.

Listen, you are going to have to tell use what you have done or we cannot help you.

Did you have a physical affair? Did you just have an emotional affair?

How long ago? How long did it last.

I am not sure you should send this email yet, he will not believe any of it...

devastated717 posted 10/23/2019 13:30 PM

I did send the message. He said he appreciated it, but youíre right, he wonít believe anything I say. I traded naked photos with an ex 8 and 10 years ago,. Nothing physical but the effects are still just as devastating

BluesPower posted 10/23/2019 14:46 PM

Ok, then...

If he took it well then you are probably ok.

Have you read how to help your spouse heal from your affair?

And understand, for him it happened 3 weeks ago. Even though for you, you thought you were past it. You probably felt guilty when you thought about it but it was 10 years ago, right?

Not for him.

Right now he is wondering 1) Was that affair physical? Did she ever love me or am I just a stooge? How many other affairs has she had? How many other men has she slept with since we were married.

Remember, he can't believe a word that you say right now.

You have to figure out how to take a poly and show him you are telling the truth.

And, just checking, you are telling him the truth, right.

Whatever you do, don't lie to try and "help" him not hurt, it does not work and it makes things worse...

foreverlabeled posted 10/26/2019 18:48 PM

Hi devastated, how's it going? I know all too well how painful it is for you guys right now. Almost a month out from dday is so so early into a big great unknown.

You have a lot of time to begin the work that transforms your life, but in my experience right now my focus was on my BHs wellbeing and what I could do in this moment to create a safe place for him and his trauma.

I began to research all that I could on the effects my cheating had on him and learned how to help him through it.

Please read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J Macdonald. It really is a must read, it practically became my little pocket bible for months. It is a very short simple to the point read on the do's and don'ts in helping him recover.

And take the time to read in The Healing Library here in the menu.

These two things will get you on the right track.

I am clinging to a small shred of hope that he will forgive me, but it all seems so impossible to get over.
Look, you're a month out.. let go of forgiveness right now. Typically it could take 2-5 years just for his healing to take place. For trust to come back. For him to be able to look at you and his first thought isn't, she cheated on me. That's not to say it will be years filled with the days you are witnessing now. I'm just saying don't get ahead of what you're reality isn which is a long way from forgiveness. That's a very selfish thing to ask for or be considered.

I empathize with your feelings of despair and distraught. Especially when faced with a real possibility of divorce, many of us were, it was always an option. I was asked to leave on dday and didn't think I'd ever return. And for months was told he wanted one, then he didn't, then he did, didn't. It's part of their pain. Its understandable to want to rid yourself of your source of pain.

The work on yourself right now should include picking yourself up, and finding your center. You cannot remain in panic mode, and trust me I know how scared you are. You have to find a way to gather yourself and really own this. Let go of any outcome you have that keeps you in this state because you are afraid to lose it all. The truth is you already have.

Can you share some steps you are taking to help him? To be safe for him right now in this moment?

devastated717 posted 10/30/2019 09:48 AM

Thanks for checking in. Iíll probably do a new thread about where Iím at right now but we are in absolute hell right now. I listen to his rages and resist the urge to be defensive. Iím cooking for him, trying to make him feel cared for. He says he canít be with someone that would be so reckless with his heart. We are in therapy twice a week and we have started IT. Iím so upset that I have lost the love of my life and destroyed my family. I wish I could take his pain away.

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