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Trial Separation

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RedHeadTemper posted 10/30/2019 09:38 AM


Checking in. How are you doing? It's been a few days on your own. You doing ok?

I've got some more advice. Work on becoming attractive. Not putting on makeup, but getting emotionally strong and smart.

If your husband saw someone strong (not compromising on morals for anything) and smart (willing to listen and providing good feedback) he would be attracted to that person. They would seem stable, and safe.

You are an emotional wreck. It's how I was post dday. And that's probably how every bs is and some ws are post dday. Emotions are a part of life and everyone has them. Post dday emotions become a hurricane on everyone and everything. You're experiencing and feeling it now. Work with an IC on how to process your emotions and not act on them. Learn how to make good decisions based off of logic and good emotions.

Get smart. It looks like you're doing research and asking difficult questions. Keep doing that! Also look up some things that your husband is interested in like sports or finances or woodworking or lifting weights.
Get some knowledge and get curious about things. If you get contact with your husband and start going on dates again, don't tell him the things you've learned, just ask some intellectual questions. And listen and follow up with more questions.

You do this, your husband will see you in a better light. He'll see you as a safe, and strong person. Those are very attractive traits to a male.

It might not help you get him back, but it will help you be a better person. And any partner you couple with after will enjoy your company.

It is hard to ignore a strong smart person. And if your husband sees that you are becoming strong and smart, he might believe that your telling him that you did the worst thing in the world to him. He might believe it and at some point (years down the road) might believe he's lucky to have you.

Keep working on you. It's not easy. I'm still working on processing emotions healthily. But it makes a huge difference. Men don't believe that tears mean truth. They believe that conviction of the heart means truth.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/30/2019 09:44 AM


I haven't moved out yet. Next weekend, I should be in my apartment. I get the keys on Tuesday and will need some time to move everything over. I did order our daughter's bed for my place. I am going to take her to pick out some sheets. She found some on Amazon, but I want to see if she finds another one in person she likes too.

I'm sure I will be an emotional wreck the first week alone, but I know I won't be able to stay like that.

JBWD posted 10/31/2019 00:16 AM

I'm sure I will be an emotional wreck

Perhaps. But remember this is what you make of it. The “shoulds” are hell on people. I think culturally they’re worse for women and mothers especially. I know it’s going to be hard. And you’re going to feel loss and fear and sadness and regret and pain.

But it’s not going to defeat you.

It was interesting to hear my mother of all people say “You play the hand you’re dealt.” I corrected her because this was the hand that I dealt. And we’ll all live with that. But you’re coming a long way and learning a lot.

And you’ll find a day (and it will still tear your heart out in some regard) when your DD asks if there’s anything she can do to fix it, and the simple answer will be “There’s nothing to fix- It’s just changed.” Change happens and it just is. It may not be the change we wanted but it is where we have brought ourselves. Where we take it allows us to choose the best possible outcome or continued agony.

I’m one to talk, I am still SO desperate to salvage a M that I trashed, but I’m at a moment of slight clarity at the moment and thought I’d share it perhaps. Ever forward.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/31/2019 06:55 AM

JBWD, thank you. You're right, we may both find a day where she asks us if there is/was anything should could do to fix this. If we divorce, my biggest hope is that we are really good co-parents who show her that she still has two parents who love her more than anything. It's scary as hell to wonder what she may feel and think throughout all of this. She is an incredibly smart girl, yes I am biased, so I know we can't fake it. There was a point where I asked him if we could basically fake it around her and play nice. I know that won't work or happen. Hopefully, with time we won't have to fake it.

She and I went to a consignment furniture store yesterday to look for a couch. I don't think that place knows what "consignment prices" are 😬 I will go check out some more places today after work. I was already so picky with the prices when we both bought furniture for our house. Now I feel like I'm one of those old sweet ladies who haggle you on a 50¢ picture at a garage sale 😆

fooled13years posted 10/31/2019 07:40 AM


I never liked to fail.

who would quit when those magic results didn't happen.

These two statements are completely contradictory.

One can't quit and state that they don't like to fail.

I have also always been the type of person who wanted the quick results

There will be no quick result in this situation.

To recover and R will be a lifelong journey and the D process would even take time.

I don't know you or your BH but if you are giving him these same messages I assume that he sees the contradiction also which may cause him even more confusion.

I agree with what so many others have said about using this time to work on yourself for it appears to me that you don't fully understand or know who you truly are.

MrCleanSlate posted 10/31/2019 14:25 PM


If nothing else, spend the time to work on yourself for the sake of your daughter. Become a parent that you can be proud of for your daughter.

Kids are resilient and they adjust pretty quick. It gets harder to be parent as they get older and can see you are not this perfect all knowing entity.

That is one thing that really hit home for me after my affair - What kind of example am I for my kids? That realization really hurt, but it also helped me decide to do better.

Breathinglife posted 10/31/2019 15:40 PM


[This message edited by Breathinglife at 6:41 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]

hikingout posted 10/31/2019 15:47 PM

Breathing life - I would copy and paste that into your own post so as to not confuse it with Lifedetroyer's post.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/1/2019 06:38 AM


I am competitive with other people. If you noticed, I said I gave up on things that would have bettered me in some way because I didn't see a quick result. With dieting, I would do it for real for a couple weeks and then stop. Same with exercising. I would be really into for the first few times, and then I would slowly stop or only do it once in awhile. I'm NOT giving up on this though. I know there is no quick result with the aftermath of infidelity. Even if we divorce, I know that I can't give up. I do have to change because I'm definitely not happy with myself. I need to change how I am with our daughter so that we can both have a happy life together. I need to change that so he and I can be really good co-parents for her and ourselves.

I hope I am not giving him that message of quiting. I am still "here." I didn't say "let's divorce" after him finding out or after any conversation. He can tell you, I have told him numerous times that I am not giving up on us no matter what happens. US as in a couple or US as in co-parents.

Kiba posted 11/1/2019 07:12 AM

I hope I am not giving him that message of quiting. I am still "here." I didn't say "let's divorce" after him finding out or after any conversation. He can tell you, I have told him numerous times that I am not giving up on us no matter what happens. US as in a couple or US as in co-parents.

You have read his threads. You were rather emotionless until the polygraph. That alone was giving him the message that you gave up and were just doing what you needed to to not have to fully expose your shameful behavior. And yet, that damn fool still loves you. Despite that, you only have one shot to save your relationship with him.

Remember, love is not an emotion. Love is a unilateral conscience choice we make. How are you going to choose to love him once you go into this separation? How are you going to choose to love him before you move out?

LifeDestroyer posted 11/1/2019 07:25 AM

No, I was definitely not emotionless. I have shown every type of emotion there is, repeatedly. I clammed up a couple of times in the very beginning and then stopped when he told me what that shows him. He has heard me cry in my room at night. He has seen me cry, snot coming down my face, pleading with him. He has seen me happy when we share a good moment. He has seen me frustrated with myself when I didn't get it right. So no, he hasn't seen me emotionless throughout this.

I'm going to choose to love him before I move out by doing what he has asked. By not fighting it anymore. By trying to make this as easy as possible for him and our daughter. By asking if we can hang out in his room to watch TV and spend time together. By listening to him with whatever he wants to talk about. By answering any of his questions with honesty.

I'm going to choose to love him while we are separated by not giving up. By trying each day to fix my shit. By respecting his wishes to go NC for however long he needs. By being a good co-parent with him. By showing him any physical way possible that I desire him, even if it's just through a smile. By proving to him that I want to be with him.

Kiba posted 11/1/2019 07:49 AM

I'm going to choose to love him before I move out by doing what he has asked. By not fighting it anymore. By trying to make this as easy as possible for him and our daughter. By asking if we can hang out in his room to watch TV and spend time together. By listening to him with whatever he wants to talk about. By answering any of his questions with honesty.

Those things show that you accept the consequences of your actions. And that is great. But what are you going to do to show him that you are choosing to love him. Because for 8-10 months you choose to love someone else.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/1/2019 08:04 AM

By not giving up on us. I am not going to do anything that would even remotely seem like I am choosing someone else. If I could, I would want to see him every week and speak each day. I would love it if we could spend together. I will do anything possible while still keeping NC. How? I don't know, but I will figure it out.

GreatWideOpen posted 11/1/2019 19:28 PM

LD -I still don't see anywhere in your threads where you indicate you have made a very complete, very detailed timeline available to your BH. Dates, actions, feelings, words. You say often that you will not stop trying to be a safe partner or coparent, but to my way of thinking you haven't started. Nearly 100 days out and he is still unsure if he even knows what all you did, felt or said and when. The way you unloaded your betrayals on him leading up to the poly was merciless and sadistic. There is no way he retained much of what had been said. Like a boxer sent reeling to the matt, he knows he was down for the count, but cannot recall the details of every hit that put him there.
This has always been the key to for him to start to find a footing. The truth, all of it. Prove me wrong because I don't think you have it in you. Write the timeline (it will help you, too!), put it in a sealed envelope, hide it in the house before you move, and when you are in your apartment tell him the time line is ready and he can have it any time he asks for it and that you will poly again against the absolute truth of what is in it.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/1/2019 19:45 PM

I have written the final timeline. I had one that I started with the emotions, he read it before it was done, and he told me to stop writing it. After the poly I added all of the extra details. He has seen it and read it.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/2/2019 17:54 PM

I found a couch today. I was happy I was able to find one that I liked and wasn't crazy expensive, but then the happiness went away quickly. The reality set in again. I started packing again after I got home and broke down. I really think this is a deal breaker for him.

Martin886 posted 11/2/2019 22:29 PM

Hi, this is my very first post on the site, and your story is intriguing to me. May I ask, in your mind, what do you believe was the “deal breaker?” Do you think it was more about the affair itself, or your deep dishonesty and manipulation?

LifeDestroyer posted 11/3/2019 08:48 AM

The deal breaker was the disrespect and constant lying. He came to me twice fearing he was losing me, and both times I was so wrapped in myself that I lied to him. The level of disrespect towards my husband was too much.

We spoke last night. I told him that I fear that I have hurt him so badly that he will never allow himself to want to be with me as a partner again. He said he agrees. He said he still hasn't made any final decisions. He wants to really work on things around the house, his relationship with our daughter, and on him physically so he can attract a better partner. He said I could be a better partner so I'm not out as an option, but it's unlikely. I told him that I will wait. He said I would have to wait really long and I would have to be his plan b. I said that it sounded like he had in fact made a decision. He said he hasn't because his mind is always changing. Last week it was thinking one way, the week before another, the month before another. He does not believe me when i say that he is the person that I want. He thinks my mind will change once I'm living on my own. I kept telling him it won't and asked what I can do to show that. He doesn't want to see anything because my actions showed otherwise during the a.

He wants to go NC at least until the new year. I can only text about our daughter and only important things. I can't send him pictures of her or talk about anything little regarding her. I asked if I could email him and he choose whether he reads it. He said no because he will read it. I will be here on Thursday and Friday mornings to get our daughter ready for school. He said that will be awkward. I don't know how I'm supposed to go almost two months with not really speaking to him. I told him that I am not enforcing this NC so if he wants to talk ever he can absolutely text me.

Saturday we will rent a Uhaul and get me moved in one shot. Having to remove traces of me from our home is not fun.

Justsomelady posted 11/3/2019 09:44 AM

So sorry LD. I hope there’s a chance for y’all but that must have been hard to hear.

Keep up your work, don’t fall into despair with the separation. Let it be the refining fire for you that makes you better, whether that means you are with N or not. You will be better for your girl and for yourself.

Are you making plans to see a good girlfriend or maybe a church service or something? You need to have something planned so you don’t despair.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/3/2019 10:01 AM

No, I still haven't called my friend to talk. I think a big part of me feels that I need to do this on my own because I caused all of this. Having some help would feel like I couldn't do it. I know that is the wrong way to think, full of shame, but I don't know how to overcome that. Actually, I've always been like this in some way. I often saw receiving help meant that I couldn't do it, whatever it was.

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