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Coming to Terms

kairos posted 10/7/2019 22:30 PM

Facebook shocked me today, reminded me of a post from six years ago. It read:
ďThe curfew tolls the knell of parting day,
The lowing herd wind slowly o'er the lea,
The plowman homeward plods his weary way,
And leaves the world to darkness and to me.Ē

Ahhh, what a sweet stanza by Thomas Gray. I do believe the man who posted this was asking for help because he was about to commit the most egregious sin. In retrospect, itís so clear now. I didnít have an affair because I was dissatisfied in my marriage. I didnít betray for pleasure, per se. She didnít do anything wrong, the wonderful amazing human she is. I betrayed for self-destruction. There is nothing she could have done. The demons I unwittingly chased were too strong, too invisible, too pervasive. The truth is, I wanted to destroy myself. Something about my life didnít add up and I needed to kill it. And to be honest, it still doesnít completely add up. I still struggle with that. But the more I remember and come to terms with my origin, without shame or judgment, the more I heal.

Ever since I was a child, I always felt as if I had missed something. There was a gap in my life. Few memories remain from childhood, but why? I could not wade through the darkness to locate those memories. The mind deploys aggressive self-preservation tactics. Memories were hidden behind a powerful opaque wall designed to protect the small child. Perceiving through that wall threaten everything. But that child became a man, a man whose demons were never exercised. Such men must confront those horrors, or they will break.

I think of that little boy now. And you know what? I love him. I walk up to him; I hold him in my arms; I assure him over and over that everything will be ok. I tell him he is good, that he with valued. He smiles.

Therapy has given me insights into this forgotten time. Iíve remembered things that are just too hard to remember. The question I ask: why? How? How could a child of nine years of age seek suicide? There are a whole lot of reasons why, and Iím just scratching the surface right now.

The beautiful thing about Thomas Grayís ďElegy Written in a Country ChurchyardĒ is that each dying day, each tolling of the knell of parting day welcomes a new day. It will come. You just have to believe in yourself and trust that if you really want to be a better person, first you gotta come to terms with your actions and yourself. You gotta die a little before youíre reborn. But itíll be worth it.

I look back at that guy six years ago. I feel so sad for him. But choosing self-destruction through these actions, including betrayal, was everything he could do to stop himself from pulling that trigger. He was so close. That doesnít dismiss the depravity. But something had to break, and break bad. How Iíve managed to make it this far is beyond me. But if not for me, if not for her, then for our wonderful kids.

The paperwork is nearly finished. The divorce imminent. And, the reflection of myself in the mirror never clearer. The sun rises soon.

Backstory: multiple affairs. Dday about 14 months ago. Compassionate wife. Awakening man.

EvolvingSoul posted 10/7/2019 23:01 PM

Hey there Pdxguy,

This is a good update. You've made a lot of progress. This statement

I think of that little boy now. And you know what? I love him. I walk up to him; I hold him in my arms; I assure him over and over that everything will be ok. I tell him he is good, that he with valued. He smiles.
speaks volumes.

Stay the course, brother.

Endy posted 10/8/2019 01:14 AM

Stay well brother!

hikingout posted 10/8/2019 07:42 AM

I want to echo what evolving soul said. I just said this same thing to someone with horrible foo issues on this site the other day. Healing our inner child is a great step to feeling whole and to shed the shame we were carrying about ourselves. I think a large part of what that shame from foo does brings in self fulfilling prophecy- I am bad therefore I act the part. I am reminded of the old 90ís song...we are born innocent. All of us.

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