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Any positives?

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

ff4152 posted 10/5/2019 12:03 PM

IMO I donít think any truly remorseful WS is waving a banner saying ďLook at me. Iíve changed into this wonderful personĒ. I think that itís a very sobering moment when a WS truly recognizes what their actions did and and who they had become.

Every WS at some level KNOWS without question what they did was wrong. Whatever bullshit justifications we may have given ourselves, we knew we were crossing a very huge line. We knew that and chose to do it any way.

Like Pink, Iím not proud that Iíve become the person I should have been all along. That I had enough integrity and love for myself and my family to ignore that FB request. If I wasnít happy for legitimate reasons, I should have addressed them with my wife. Or I should have left.

I think that recognizing your changes is an important part of moving forward and healing. We read this over and over on SI to work on yourself. To fix your shit. Thatís why I think itís important to internally acknowledge your work. At least in my case, it wasnít an overt kind of thing. One day I just noticed that my thought process had changed. I can see the difference in my attitude and feelings towards many of my bad behaviors. That is certainly not to imply that Iím healed or fixed; thatís going to take a heckuva long time. But I come far enough to see that I cannot rest on my laurels, this is a continual process of growth and learning. I guess thatís what I mean when I ask about something positive.

[This message edited by ff4152 at 12:04 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]

Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/5/2019 12:34 PM

I think that recognizing your changes is an important part of moving forward and healing. We read this over and over on SI to work on yourself. To fix your shit. Thatís why I think itís important to internally acknowledge your work.

I couldn't have said it better myself ff4152 . I guess I have a little insight from the difference in my two husbands. They both cheated on me. I decided to D with my 1st H...and R with my 2nd...and I don't regret either decision!!!

My 1st H did NOTHING to heal himself. He said the right words...I fell for them...but his actions didn't change. That was why I found myself IN infidelity about 18 months later when I caught him with another adultery co-conspirator .

My 2nd H took the GIFT of R that I gave him and moved FORWARD with it . He DID the work...and WE are better because of it .

The affair HAPPENED. There is no way to UNDO it. Staying IN infidelity...to punish...or be punished doesn't make sense to me. Maybe I am not understanding something? All I know is that getting OUT of infidelity was key to getting HEALED from infidelity...for ME. I got out of it by going through D with my 1st H...and R with my 2nd H.

ALL of us learn from our bad choices...and some of us learn enough to NOT repeat them . Having the A was the worst choice my H has ever made...but I am so PROUD of the man he has become despite that choice .

strugglebus posted 10/5/2019 15:21 PM

Zero positives things come from an affair. Like overdosing on drugs, or stealing from your parents' retirement fund or drunk driving and killing an innocent person on the road. There is nothing positive that comes from a destructive act and the wreckage of the aftermath.

However, like any other rock bottom, many, many positive things can come from the work that is put in.

Many people on this site didn't do a thing to grow or even dig out after the mountain of shit that fell upon them when their affair came into the light. It's easy to wallow. It's effortless to take the easy way out instead of doing honest work.

Recognizing changes and measuring progress is an excellent thing to do when pursuing growth - but the way it was phrased in the original post likely sparked pushback simply due to the spirit of the question not being adequately conveyed.

hikingout posted 10/5/2019 16:33 PM

I think thatís probably right strugglebus. Nothing good did come from the affair. And, I think there are a lot of people who wish the positive would have come without the affair. Thank you that makes sense.

Justsomelady posted 10/5/2019 21:07 PM

I agree with posters above that this could be phrased better in title - no positives from an affair but - maybe it would be better to refer to it as ďstories of hope for future healingĒ or something like that. I can see why folks were triggered but the spirit of the post I think seems geared more towards hope and healing etc.

FF, what do you think helped you get to this point you mention, this change in thought process? ďOne day I just noticed that my thought process had changed. I can see the difference in my attitude and feelings towards many of my bad behaviors..Ē. How did your spouse help with this process, or was it more an internal thing? Did it help her heal to see this change?

ff4152 posted 10/6/2019 11:02 AM

Justsomelady

I donít know if I could point to one specific thing as an ah-ha moment. I think it was a gradual evolution in my way of thinking.

It started around 2-3 months after the A was over. I trolled my APís FB page and saw that she had found her new soulmate. This finally brought a dose of harsh reality to me. That I had risked everything for someone that was just as broken as me. That what we had wasnít some love affair from God; instead it was a meeting of two selfish, very dysfunctional people who saw nothing wrong in what we were doing.

Reading the awful stories on SI and a ton of self introspection were the two most important factors IMO. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I tried to imagine how my actions impacted others. One of my wifeís love languages is acts of service. She did all of the housework while I sat on my fat ass and did nothing. One day I heard her bringing up a basket of laundry and thought, ďWhy the fuck are you sitting there, help herĒ. So I did and still do help with that and other things as well.

thatwilldo posted 10/6/2019 14:30 PM

ff4152,

The following quote from your last post really bothered me. You said:

One of my wifeís love languages is acts of service. She did all of the housework while I sat on my fat ass and did nothing. One day I heard her bringing up a basket of laundry and thought, ďWhy the fuck are you sitting there, help herĒ. So I did and still do help with that and other things as well.

Thirty+ years ago and long after my affair, my BS took on the responsibility of washing the clothes and the dishes...not helping me with them, but taking responsibility to do them with no reminders from me. He expects no thanks although I appreciate that our home duties are divided pretty equitably. It's one thing to "help" and another to take responsibility.

You haven't taken responsibility with your wife about your affair. IMO, until you do that,you're still in "affair" thinking mode.

ff4152 posted 10/6/2019 17:30 PM

Thatwilldo

Youíre missing the point. I donít think doing the laundry as the meaningful act. Recognizing that itís unfair for my wife to get stuck doing that (and all the other chores as well) is. Itís all part of a larger state of overall awareness is what I was getting at.

FoenixRising posted 10/7/2019 02:23 AM

Hi FF!

I can relate to what Thatlldo said. Let me see if I can put it differently...

I did all of the housework before. It was exhausting. My hubs also frequently sat and didnít do any chores and did not help me. Post A, he started asking if i needed help. Asked me Ďwhat can I do?í This was a compassionate and well intentioned act. The problem with that was, itís still on me. I still have to TELL what to do. Boss and give directions. What I would rather was for him to take off my plate an entire chore. Like laundry. Or cleaning the bathroom. Or homework w kids. Once he began taking an entire item off my plate, was when I really appreciated his help.

ĎAny positives?í Is a perfectly fine tag line. Bsís are welcome to keep scrolling if they feel some type of way about it. FF, this is the wayward forum, a place where YOU the WAYWARD are safe to say and ask how you see fit. You know you are not a well liked wayward here. You know why. Itís no surprise youíre getting extra back lash. Let it roll... scroll past whatever lecture you donít want to read from whatever BS spouse that has said it over and over to you for however many long years.

Here are my positives:
1- content. Bs and I are both content. For years we were both miserable. Iíll take content.

2- my kids are happy. We donít fight in front of them. We bond over them. We make more family time. Nothing like almost losing your family to make you wake the eff up and pull your head out of your ass.

3- I am not a victim. So often I think we waywards show up here feeling that way, even though the reality is that BS is the victim. Thinking back now, Iím happy to say Iím a survivor and so is my BS.

4-At one point when I was considering killing myself. Iím not really sure how I couldnít quite get a grasp before hitting that point. Now though, Iíll never spiral out again... not to the point of losing my grounded mental health. I have made my own tool box to help me in this department. I carry it with me every where. It carries mindfulness tips, anxiety reducing techniques, guided meditations, art supplies, canvas... all things that prove to be successful for me during my triggers.

5- triggers! Them in themselves!!! I didnít even know I had triggers before my A!

6- awakened. Iím now conscious of how I present things to H. I realized I was setting him up for failure all the time. Ugh. That one was hard to bounce back from. That was when and how I found out I wasnít the victim but rather the abuser. Iíve made peace with this realization thankfully. I think, unless one has been truly awakened, and is conscious of their own faults, ready to change them, then there will not be many positives.

7-independence. Somewhere along the way of 4 different states, 3 baby boys, approximately 270,000 loads of laundry, and so much more, I lost foenix. I was just mom. D day I broke. Little by little I put my pieces together again. Iím back. Iím foenix. Iím fierce. Iím ready. And Iím not going to break again. I know who I am. I know my worth.

My goodness I coukd actually go on and on about how things have changed for the better. But 1- Iím sick w pneumonia so even typing this is making me out of breath.jk, but not really. 2- bc itís my positives. I donít want to sound like Iím bragging bc I donít like how I got them. I donít want to go back to where I was EVER (I donít think I could go through it all again!) but itís all worth fighting for... then and now.
Thanks for making this post FF. Itís a good one.

hikingout posted 10/7/2019 06:31 AM

Wrong thread

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:37 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

hikingout posted 10/7/2019 08:18 AM

I did all of the housework before. It was exhausting. My hubs also frequently sat and didnít do any chores and did not help me. Post A, he started asking if i needed help. Asked me Ďwhat can I do?í This was a compassionate and well intentioned act. The problem with that was, itís still on me. I still have to TELL what to do. Boss and give directions. What I would rather was for him to take off my plate an entire chore. Like laundry. Or cleaning the bathroom. Or homework w kids. Once he began taking an entire item off my plate, was when I really appreciated his help

Yes, I agree acts of service can be in the eye of the beholder. What FR is saying has been my experience for the most part. And, the reality of it is, I hate to hear "oh your husband helps you". Helps me? We live alone together. Helping me to pick up after him or to do his own laundry? That's not an act of service - that's him taking care of responsibilities that should not be assumed that are mine.

Now, do I do all these things because I love him? Yes, I really do. I have more time than he does and I don't actually mind - the kids are gone - two people don't produce as much mess, laundry, meals can often be simpler because you aren't dealing with everyone's different tastes. But, I would not consider him doing his share of any of the housework an act of service to me, and I think that's what women are expressing to you. Acts of service are things you are doing for ME. Not helping me do things that are for YOU. Just some distinctions. Yesterday he made us lunch so I could clean out our closet. I didn't think that was an act of service, more that it showed teamwork in getting our things done so we had the rest of the day to spend doing something we like to do together. After all, I was doing his side of the closet too.


ĎAny positives?í Is a perfectly fine tag line. Bsís are welcome to keep scrolling if they feel some type of way about it. FF, this is the wayward forum, a place where YOU the WAYWARD are safe to say and ask how you see fit.


I agree and disagree here. I agree in the way that he literally copied the post from the General Forum and it was stated pretty similarly. And, the spirit of it was not meant to say "hey go cheat on your spouse it can change your life for the better!". But, I get that people point things out to remind us of humility, and that the BS likely sees it very differently. I don't think it had anything to do with FF posting it though, I posted something similar with the same result. Not that I think I am liked better, but the thing that FF has hanging over him is the lack of confession, really nothing more than that as far as I can tell. I confessed, but same results on a similar posting.


In the end, it's just better we all look at each other's view points with respect as to where each of us has been. So, I think the view points against the list of positives can be as helpful as the ones who were for it. I just hate that it hampered as many responses because those positives as I have already stated are a road map of where many of us had to go and I think they are helpful to one another.


Great list, btw FR.


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