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Help me to help him...

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Regretitall posted 12/16/2019 13:21 PM

I was actually going to come to update today. Was nice to find a message checking in.

Back then, we did not break up. We've continued to have many ups and downs, but we're still together.

I had a break through in talking to my husband today. I've all along said that I didn't go looking for an affair, that it just sort of happened. I realized today that I did subconsciously go looking for an affair. I was lonely and feeling neglected. Instead of going to my husband to talk about things that I needed, I shut him out even more and went to prove that I am attractive even though I'm fat. I got attention and positive words from an outside source. It hurt today when I realized that. I've shed more tears than I have shed in a long time. It hit me so hard to realize that I willingly went and did this. I willingly did something that I knew would probably (I did doubt his love at times) hurt him. I willingly did something that could ruin my family's life.

My BH will get upset if I remember something differently then I told him before. The basis of everything is still there. What we spoke of. The physical aspects. But for example today, he brought up my other email that I made. I don't remember sending anything from it, not do I remember what it was. I made it and left it. He says I sent pictures to the OM from it. He says I told him that before. I can't recall. I'm not denying the pictures or that I made an email, I just don't remember sending the pictures from there. So we still disagree a lot about what is truth or lies. He says he has no doubt that I will cheat on him again. I know damn well that I will never put myself or him in this position again.

Today, he's decided again that he needs a break. He's planning on moving out for a month in January. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me but he also says that he thinks he needs to be apart to see if he actually wants the relationship or if he's just too scared to leave me. I'm scared. I don't want to lose him. I have no idea what the future holds anymore. Sometimes he'll say this and then stay. Well, he's always stayed cuz we've never broke up yet. But sometimes he'll say that he's going to leave in the new year and then he'll change his mind and say he's not. I'm not sure if he really wants to or if he's not sure what he wants or needs. I guess I have to let him do whatever it is he wants to do. And just pray that he loves me enough to come back.

gmc94 posted 12/16/2019 14:44 PM

I know damn well that I will never put myself or him in this position again.
Personally, I see this as a big red flag. Just something to consider. If I heard my WH say this (and he said it once early on), I'd be hurt and sad (and probably POd).

I'm not sure if he really wants to [S] or if he's not sure what he wants or needs.
From what you have written, it sounds like he does not WANT to. But I think most/all(?) BS don't WANT any of this. I don't WANT to divorce my WH.... AND.... I don't WANT to be married to someone who is not trustworthy, or has empathy, or cannot stand up and do the work after the shitshow he's put us both through.

IOW, I don't think (at least for most BS) it's a matter of 'want' at all. NO ONE "wants' to become a BS. Rather, I think it's a matter of 'need' and personal emotional health. If he needs to S (or D), I'd bet it's bc he needs to - not bc he wants to.

What are you doing to be a safe partner? What are you doing to rebuild trust? Are you in IC?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:46 PM, December 16th, 2019 (Monday)]

Robert22205https posted 12/16/2019 16:41 PM

Thank you for checking in and opening the thread to comments from BS.

I suggest you may get more targeted advice from what a BS needs if you provide more detail as to what your husband is dealing with.

For example,

Did any of your Friday night beer buddies/friends know about your EA or PA?

Did your husband know the OM or was the OM a trusted friend of the family?

Do you or your husband have any further contact (even passing on the sidewalk) with the OM?

How did you meet the OM?

Did you continue the EA or see the OM for sex (including just kissing, hugging) after your husband became suspicious and challenged you?

How & where did your husband finally catch you?

Where did you two meet during the EA Ė and where did the sex (including kissing, hugging) take place?

Regretitall posted 12/16/2019 17:30 PM

I know damn well that I will never put myself or him in this position again.

Personally, I see this as a big red flag. Just something to consider. If I heard my WH say this (and he said it once early on), I'd be hurt and sad (and probably POd).

gmc--- I'm not really sure what I said wrong there? Can you explain?

I have not been to IC. He has access to all of my sites and passwords. And he checks them all, as well as the internet history. Then he gets angry and says he shouldn't have to be checking up on me like a babysitter or a jail warden. He has also not found anything to make him angry or upset or suspicious or anything else since July 2018. But he says perhaps I have learned to hide it better. I admit that I've done more wrong than right in this process (my lies and tt) but I have not done anything wrong with talking to other men or anything else. He says that he knows I'll do it again. I had never in my whole life and didn't until I was almost 40 years old, so this isn't some pattern with me. And having seen the absolute destruction I caused, this will never take place again. I've told him many a time that I'll show him that I'll be a safe partner.

A little about my life. I work from home, so I'm literally home every single day. Very rarely am I not at home during the week. If I go out shopping on the weekend, we're either all together or more often that not, I have one of the kids with me. I go out Friday (3 or so times a month, usually) for less than 4 hours. He knows where I am and with who. And I check in multiple times. So I am very accountable for what I am doing. All he has to do is check the security cameras on the house, or the history on the computer.

To the questions posted from Robert.

My Friday night visit with friends consists of my best friend of 24 years. Sometimes her 2 female neighbours and occasionally the boyfriend of one of the neighbours. I had broke down one night and told my BF about talking to someone else and she gave me shit and told me to smarten up. I did tell her it went physical and when I was busted, I told her that I lied about it. She never believed my lie about not doing it, but chose not to fight me on it as she knew my situation with being caught by my BH. I informed the 3 of them about the entirety of my A about 6 months ago. They are all supportive in me rebuilding the relationship with my BH. I also was smoking with them which was a trigger for him, and I have not done that in almost 2 months since he told me how badly it triggers him.

My BH knew the other man as he was the roofer who did our roof a couple years back. They were not friends. We drove by him one time a couple months back, going opposite directions. Other than that, neither of us has seen him at all. I met the other man due to him being the roofer.

My husband wasn't suspicious at all. In fact, he accidentally saw messages on the one day and tried to convince himself that it wasn't what it seemed. He watched for further conversation the next day and confirmed what he thought. He confronted me and I admitted to it only being an EA. This was on July 19th, 2018. On August 29th, 2019, I finally admitted to it being physical as well. Everything has been revealed. I have never seen or spoken to him again except for in September of this year when my BH wanted me to contact his wife (who knew last summer too but I also lied about it only being an EA)to tell her it was physical. I was apparently on speaker phone and after I revealed all to her, she asked what he had to say for himself and he called me a liar. So I sort of lost my shit on him.

Everything took place in our home. My BH knows the amount of times he was here, and precisely what happened each time and where in the house.

And help from either a WS or BS would be so very appreciated. I tell him daily how much I love him How sorry I am. I inform him of my whys as I've found them. A week ago we went to get tattoos that say "promise". It's the word that we've taken as ours. I used to say "I swear" and well, I was lying. So we came up with "I promise" if he wants to know truth about anything. I thought this was a super positive step but now he's back to wondering if he can do this. Says he's not sure he can get passed it. That he's always thought that cheating was a deal breaker. But he thought that as a single teenager. Not an almost 45 year old married man with young kids. I just hope that he'll see that I'm being nothing but honest with him. And that I want to be here. Forever.

Carissima posted 12/16/2019 18:10 PM

I have to say as a BS the one thing that would be a sticking point in believing you is the fact that this OM was your 3rd attempt at reaching out to another man for validation. That fact along with the 1st 2 attempts not being successful was due to the other men not being responsive and not by your actions. You kept looking until you found an AP who have you what you wanted.

I'm sorry but to me this would indicate that you did indeed go looking for an affair and TBH I'm not sure you would ever be able to persuade me otherwise.

gmc94 posted 12/16/2019 18:36 PM

Regret - The easy answer is that I suspect that before you embarked upon an A you had told yourself you would "never" have an A... yet here you are.
The longer one is that I see wayward thinking & behaviors as something that will always be within the realm of possibility. Maybe it's reading the books and SI, but we all seems to be capable of having an A. And there are studies (granted, take with a grain of salt) indicating that once someone is able to walk the path of an A (esp PA), there is a statistically significant greater likelihood of doing it again. Anecdotally, we see it here on SI with reasonable frequency (there seemed to be a rash of repeat A's by WS several months back). We also see in SI (and in the plethora of infidelity books) a pretty regular rash of folks who take their As underground, despite being "in R" (aka false R).

I also see all the thinking that starts an A as identical to alcoholism or any other addiction (even if the WS is not an SA). IOW, the first lies you tell are to yourself, and then follows with lies to everyone else. Then, a WS continues to engage in harmful and hurtful behaviors, KNOWING that it will devastate their BS, KNOWING it is wrong, etc. That is classic addictive thinking. SO - when I hear any WS (and as I approach the 2yr mark from dday, I really apply it to anyone) say they will "never" do it again, it strikes me as someone still in a wayward mindset.

In the last several months I've had to change my own "never" on this front. I consider myself as close to "never" as a person can be, mostly bc I really tried to have an RA (alone with a man who I found attractive & who had propositioned me, in a conference hotel room, brainpower fully diminished with lots of alcohol), but I just couldn't do it. I'd had plenty of opportunity before dday as well, and never even considered it (in fact, i'd call my husband when someone hit on me). So I figure if I couldn't do it at the height of rage and justification, I will likely never have an A, but "likely" is not the same as "damn sure".

So, that's why any WS (or pretty much anyone) who says they will "never", it strikes me as a person who hasn't really worked through the whys and fixing, etc. Because if they have, they would recognize that they are absolutely capable of having an A, and that they are susceptible to the lies they tell themselves.

This is not meant as a 2x4, just an explanation of my thoughts on the issue.

RegretItAll - I want to say this as gently as possible, as I believe you truly want to change, to heal, etc. Your posts have a bit of a ring of defensiveness to them. I'm not trying to bash you here. I'm not suggesting that you are not sincere in your desire. But I am suggesting that you may not quite yet "get it" or "own it".

Now, the original post in this thread kind of shows that you are having these breakthroughs, which strike me as positive (eg "I realized today that I did subconsciously go looking for an affair" ). But then I see things like "So we still disagree a lot about what is truth or lies". On this front, the "truth" may not be so relevant as what your BS FEELS. I think this is really hard for a WS to understand (my WH sure as heck does NOT understand, but many WS who post on SI seem to totally get it).
Here's an example from my own life - and to show that even as a BS I don't always "get it". In a recent joint session with our IC, my daughter was asked to give an example of my acting in a way that hurt her. She talked about how I yelled at her all the time about her grades. Where did my head go? It immediately went to the fact that I was NEVER the one who focused on or talked to her about her grades. It was her dad that would check her homework online, and ask her about / go through each & every assignment, pretty much every single day. He did not yell (at least not that I recall), but he was constantly hounding her about it (and he has confirmed that was the case & that I am not just making stuff up to avoid taking responsibility).

But here's where I completely f*cked up. Instead of validating her feelings (of shame, of feeling devalued, of never feeling "enough" in the eyes of her mom), I said "it was your dad that was always on you about your grades" . About the stupidest thing I could have done. I knew better, and I'm demanding this of my WH, and yet.... I got defensive. I minimized her pain. What I SHOULD have said was how sorry I am that she went through that, that I understand how feeling constantly criticized about her grades would lead to her feelings of not being enough, and feeling invisible. I should have validated her feelings in a radically genuine way and EMPATHIZED with her by communicating my understanding of her feelings. Not because it's the "truth" that I nagged her about school, but because that is what she needs (and Lord knows there are plenty of other things I f*cked up, even if it wasn't THIS particular thing). Because I love her and want to support HER healing. Instead, I supported myself and covered MY ass, basically leaving her all alone (again). It was a harsh lesson for me, but much much worse for HER to feel that I can't be there for her - esp when she is being vulnerable by sharing that with me. The good news is that I recognized it right away (bad news is this was the end of the session, so we didn't really have time to flesh out how hurtful I was to her in that exchange- it's first up for next time).

So - that turned out to be a much longer post than I expected. My point is that quibbling over the truth is not really important. Validation and empathy are what's important. What difference does it make if you don't remember which account you used to send emails? What MATTERS is that your BH is devastated that you sent emails at all (which you allude to in your post). As a BS, what I want to hear is "I'm so sorry that you feel so bad. I'm so sorry that my behavior has traumatized you to the point where you - understandably - cannot trust what I have said in the past or in the present." And "I'm so sorry that my deception has caused you to feel like a babysitter". When he says he has no doubt that you will cheat again, is it possible to take a moment (ie don't do the stupid thing I did) and a few breaths and say "I'm so sorry you feel that way. I am so sorry I shattered all of your trust in me. I will do all that I can to fix what caused me to hurt you, and become a safe partner for you". That is what I - as a BS -need.

Have you read "how to help your spouse heal from your affair"? I'm told it can be found in a pdf for free online. Even though I'm the BS, sounds like I'm due to read it again. If you have read it, you might consider reading it again - I've read it several times in the past 2 years, as I really do believe that the principles are lessons for everyone (WS, BS, or those who have had the good fortune to never be touched by infidelity).

[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:41 PM, December 16th, 2019 (Monday)]

Robert22205https posted 12/16/2019 19:33 PM

Check your private messages.

Regretitall posted 12/19/2019 19:27 PM

So things get better and then things get worse.

We have had a good few days. Lots of talking. Lots of tears on my part. I've finally realized the truth of just what I did to my husband. Truly realizing that no matter what I do, what I did just might break us.

Today is back to being a bad day. He tells me this morning that he booked me for a polygraph. I've never wanted to have one, not cuz I'm afraid of failing (I've told him the truth about when I saw the OM, what we did, etc) but because it's expensive! It's going to cost $800, not to mention the gas back and forth, cuz it's 3.5 hours away. Then he says that if I fail, he's leaving me there. One of my biggest fears in my 41 years of life is being stranded. And I'd be stranded, alone, in a city I'm not familiar with. Not to mention no one to come and get me. So that's fucking scary. Now again, I'm not afraid of passing questions about how often I saw him or what we did sexually or if there is still contact or anything like that. My fear is a question of "did you love him". My husband has asked me that a bunch of times and my answer is always no. Because I didn't love him. But I did like him. And I'm sure if we had continued talking, that I could have fallen in love. So I have told my husband that I'm afraid of that question. He has a very quick temper, and I'm afraid if he hears anything of "she failed this question" that he won't even hear anything else and will strand me there. Again, I have told him the truth about every sexual encounter, how often I saw him, everything. My fear is a question that might not be as simple as "yes or no". Cuz no, I didn't love him, but I did like him. Will that skew the answer somehow? My BH has apparently asked them 4 questions that he wants answers to, but they have told him to not tell me what they are.

Tonight he's pissed off at me cuz I've said my concerns about that question and he thinks that I'm going to fail the whole thing cuz I "still am hiding my secrets". So now he doesn't want to go at all and just wants to break up after the holidays.

The other day he was wanting to post on the reconciliation page to see how other people have gotten past an A, and tonight he wants to be done again.

I just want to save my marriage and sometimes I really don't think I'm going to be able to. It hurts to know that we're going to break up. Not because marriages fail sometimes (we've both been married once before) but because I singlehandedly destroyed us.

BluesPower posted 12/19/2019 19:43 PM

You know, I don't want to be mean, so understand that.

But I am going to answer this question like I think your H would answer this POST...

Who gives a fuck if you wanted to take a polygraph or not, he does not.

He does not care if it cost too much, everything you say here sounds like an excuse.

And you bet you better pass, take a couple hundred buck to take the bus back...

Can you imagine how much your H does not care what your feelings are about this.

I mean can you reread what you wrote, and see if you get what I am saying...

If this is the way that you are handling your R, then I am sorry, but you are toast. You need to find a lawyer and protect yourself.

Again this is what I think your H is thinking, does this make sense?

[This message edited by BluesPower at 7:45 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Carissima posted 12/20/2019 02:46 AM

Does your husband know about your first two attempts at reaching out to different OM? Are you scared about the truth of this coming out? Most WS have a question to determine the truth about what they've been told...

Marauder posted 12/20/2019 07:22 AM

If you can't truthfully answer whether you loved the affair partner, then you yourself don't know.

Look Regretitall. I'm not trying to be mean here. But throughout your entire thread, you've been making excuses. Excuses for yourself, for your actions, as to how far you went. At the same time, you've insinuated that a lot of the blame lies with your partner, even when that was obviously not the case.

The reason you're freaking out now is that you're not only lying to him, but you're also lying to yourself. You KNOW you're going to fail that question. You know you've hit the end of the road. The money involved, the "my biggest fear", etc. They're all excuses not to take the polygraph. Because you already know it's not going to end well for you. And chances are, you might find you lied to yourself concerning other questions as well.

The polygraph is like the end for you as it currently stands. There's no real reason to drive those 3.5 hours. You already know you're not going to get past it. Tell your husband, be honest with yourself and him for once.

Regretitall posted 12/20/2019 08:32 AM

BluesPower, I had meant to say something regarding the money in my post, however by the time I finished, I forgot to add it in. Unfortunately, we're the type of family that pretty much live paycheque to paycheque. So spending a thousand dollars is a big deal. My husband has decided to cancel the test. Between Christmas, our 2 kids birthdays and 3 grandkids birthdays all in the same 2 months right now, we're putting it on hold. I am going to work on saving up the money and we will book the test together. Unfortunately, on the days when I tend to post, it's when things aren't going well, and it seems as though I make myself look like a bigger asshole than I am. My BH actually tells me how he sees the improvements. How he feels my love and my remorse. He will tell me that I am doing so much right to help him. He will also tell me how scared he is that I will do this again because he NEVER thought that I'd do such a thing. So now he's concerned that it could happen again and he's afraid to trust me. He will tell me that he's committed to trying. That's really all that I can ask for. I hope that time will help to heal him and strengthen us.

Carrissima, he knows EVERYTHING. When I told him back in August that I had more to tell him, I gave the facts of the affair to his face. I then told him that I was going to email him everything. I wrote 2 massive emails to him. Explaining in detail how I got to where I was, what happened with the OM, and every other thing that he could possibly be mad at me for in our 11 years together. I went into those emails very unsure of whether or not he'd be willing or able to stay with me knowing about the physical aspects of the A. So I used it as a "reset" almost. Tell him everything about everything. And no, there was no other cheating in what I had to tell him about. That then ended in him emailing me back with some deep secrets that he had of his own. It really opened the communication between us. So yes, he knows absolutely everything about everything.

Marauder, my husband and I talked about the love aspect for a long time last night. My concern for it, as I explained to him, is it's not as simple as a yes or no. For example "did you turn on the light switch". That's a very simple, yes or no. You either turned the switch on or you didn't. "Did you crash the truck". Very simple yes or no. You either crashed the truck or you didn't. There's no grey area. I cared about the OM. I liked the OM. Had the affair continued, I'm sure I could have fallen in love. That's typically the progression of any relationship, no? You like someone, you talk to someone, you spend time with someone, your feelings grow. Or you realize you're not compatible and go your separate ways. When I was caught, the A was 2 months old. I was not in love, but I could have got there with more time. So will liking him or caring for him skew the test? That was my concern. I have explained all of this to my husband.

I know that I have not shown myself in the best light here. I mean, not only am I a cheater, so that's a bad enough light, but I also started this thread way before I ever started realizing anything. I was very much in denial. I very much tried to blame things that my husband did on why I had an A. I've done much exploring, much reading, much soul searching and much learning. My BH was in no way responsible for my A. That is a choice that I and I alone made. Yes, we had problems, but he was in the same marriage as I was and he didn't cheat. And I shouldn't have either. We should have talked and chosen a path to take, together. I finally realized a couple of days back that I was actually looking for attention outside of our marriage. That looking for attention and validation took me down a horrible path to infidelity. I am discovering all of my whys. I am working to be a better person.....wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter.

Once again, I thank everyone for taking the time to try to help me to help him....

Carissima posted 12/20/2019 09:29 AM

In your other thread you clearly state you reached out to 2 other people before starting this affair, one of them your exbf. You also say you discussed your marriage and lack of sex with at least one of them.

Was this communication in secret or was your BH aware of it, including the content, while it was happening?

I'm a BW and would argue with your NO CHEATING statement. I would see this as fishing for an AP, definitely encroaching on EA territory and a betrayal!

Is your WH aware of this or did you minimise your actions.

Regretitall posted 12/20/2019 09:52 AM

My husband is aware of EVERYTHING. He is the one who has all along said that I was looking for an A. I didn't truly recognize that until the other day. He knows what was said to both of those other people. He knows everything about everything. When I revealed it as a PA, I told him everything. I was either going to lose him, or I was going to show him that I was willing to bare my soul to him. I have no secrets about anything.

Carissima posted 12/20/2019 10:03 AM

I am also living paycheck to paycheck at the moment. I totally understand things being put off just due to having to pay for day to day life. Good luck with your saving, I think it'll be worth it for you and your BH when you reach your goal and book the test.

dancin-gal posted 12/20/2019 12:12 PM

My WS just took a polygraph test. The questions are a yes or no answer .. did you have sex with OP ? For example .. are with holding any information about the A ? Have you told the BS everything you remember? Are some of the common question .. feeling s are hard to determine .. do you love your S .. yes .. but thinking right now I am angry .. with not work as a yes .
My WS had told so many lies, over the past 18 years I didnít trust that he knew what the truth was .. he passed .. relief for me that there were no more lies to find out about ..
All I can say as others have pointed out to you .. be truthful, be loving, I am also overweight, my WS called me fat .. I felt bad about my self .. iI didnít go try and have an A ., I withdrew from my WS , protection mode ..and tried to feel good about myself . My WS has apologized many times for hurting me .. I am finally getting to the point I believe him and trust that he is being truthful.. my WS has begun to ask me about triggers .. how did I sleep any bad dreams ? He is trying to be there for me .. he hates talking about the A but does bring it up for me , he wants to know how I feel and that he is there for me ., makes me - feeling feel validated.. that he cares ..

Marauder posted 12/20/2019 19:56 PM

I explained to him, is it's not as simple as a yes or no

See, this is where we disagree. It's a simple yes or no here too. That you can't answer this and need to go into hypotheticals and have to become philosophical to avoid answering tells me that you did love the guy.

Regretitall posted 12/23/2019 10:03 AM

Last night we started wrapping Christmas presents for our kids. My BH didn't stay long. He got frustrated and went back upstairs. I knew there was more to it than being frustrated about wrapping the present that was hard to wrap. I stayed downstairs and got almost everything wrapped, and while wrapping I was upset thinking that I'll probably be doing the wrapping alone next year too, as we won't be together. My BH talked afterwards and he said he got upset thinking that this would be our last Christmas and that next year, "there will be some other guy here doing Christmas with my kids". I told him again that I don't want anyone but him and even if we do break up, or separate, I will be alone for a long time, and hopefully he'll want to come back. He said that if he left January 1st, he has no doubt that I'd have someone new for February 1st. He says that the fact that I had many sexual partners means that I can't be alone. He says that I can't be monogamous. I've spent 19 or 20 years of my 41 in relationships, and I only cheated one time. Yes, it's one time too many, but this isn't a pattern. I did sleep with many people in between my relationships, but at that point, I was younger, and didn't have children. I was living with my ill father and my brother; I could come and go as I pleased. That isn't my life anymore. I have a home and children and animals that I will be solely responsible for if we break up. I'm not bar hopping and hanging out with friends all of the time anymore. I hate that my actions have caused him to have such a low opinion of me.

I have been very selfish in trying to control the outcome of our marriage or lack of a marriage. I've read on here many times that I have to let go of the outcome. I did that this morning. I let him know that I am here, I want to be here, I will wait for him if he needs to go, but I will try my best to stop pressuring him to stay with me. It's just so hard, cuz he'll flat out say that he wants me and he wants to get past this, but then he says he doesn't. I am not good at letting go of control, but I did that today. I can't control what he does. I have a fear of being alone. But I have to face that fear. I put us in this situation and now I need to own what happens. Yes, our marriage was very rocky. Yes, he owns that he emotionally abused me for a number of years. But he didn't deserve this. He was in the same unhappy marriage and he never even thought of going elsewhere. I hurt him so much. I wish I'd been strong enough to tell him what I was lacking. To tell him what I needed. To tell him how I was feeling and hurting. To tell him how depressed and suicidal I had become. He has been working so hard on himself and even in all of his pain that I caused, he very rarely is cruel to me. I know he loves me. I just hope that he can let that love heal him.

So I guess that's my ultimate Christmas gift to him this year. I set him free. I hope that he won't go, but I understand if he does. And no matter what, I will continue to work on myself. So I will be a better woman, mother, person. And a better wife, if he chooses to continue on with me.

One more thing, he is really struggling. He will not do counselling. He is a member here, but I don't want to post who he is. If there are any people who have successfully reconciled, and might be able to guide him in his journey, and are willing to do so, please message me and I can let you know who he is if you're willing to reach out to him.

Thank you all again for hearing me. I need to talk out my thoughts and feelings and I have no one to do that with. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Regretitall posted 12/23/2019 10:34 AM

I also forgot to mention, I don't know if it's his fear talking, or his anger, but he'll say that he's sure that I'm still continuing doing wrong, or will in the future. He has access to all of my passwords to everything, he sees my phone bill. He looks at the browser history. When I tell him that he hasn't seen anything, cuz I'm not doing anything, he says I just learned to hide it better.

I can't remember if I mentioned this or not, so I'll talk about it again. My BH, after Dday 2, gave me a gift. He wrote a lovely note and bought a little heart shaped box. He broke a glass and put the shards into the heart. It essentially was saying that I had broke his heart but he wanted me to help fix it, and if I ever wanted to be with someone else, to tell him and not break it further. To shake the box and remember his pain. He also, at the same time as giving me the box, expressed his desire to get a matching tattoo. Now my BH has a 9 or 10 tattoos. And he's always swore that he'd never get something with a partner's name, or something tying them together in any way, but be mentioned a matching tattoo with me. During the aftermath of my affair and my continued lies and TT, I'd always say "I swear". In my evilness, I even said things like "I swear there's nothing else I haven't told you. I swear on the kids. I swear on my deceased dad". Who does that???? Anyways, we agreed that I could no longer say I swear, cuz it means nothing to him and our word became "Promise". He mentioned getting promise tattooed on our pinky fingers, as in pinky promise. After research, he learned that finger tattoos tend to need to be redone, often.

I'm long winded, eh? So, we finally decided on just the word, Promise, and the style of writing, etc. He told me to get in touch with my friend who does them and book an appointment. I did so and 2 days before (it was booked for like 4 days later) he said to cancel it. He said that he wasn't going to tattoo our word unless he knew we'd be together. Couple days go by and he wants to get it again. So we both went and got Promise tattooed on the same spot on our arms. I told him afterwards, that with every poke and pain of the needle, I was remembering all of the pain I had caused him. I was regretting all of my choices and decisions. And I was also renewing my vows to him again. This tattoo means just as much to me as my wedding rings; probably more. The rings can be removed. The ring vows were broken. The tattoo is permanent.

When I told him how important the tattoo was and that I renewed my vows in my head, he was so touched. Now, it's back to being sad or angry. "It's just a word. It doesn't mean anything". I know he's hurting. I know I caused him all of this pain. But I had so much hope in going to get these tattoos, cuz he knew from what I said to him before the cancelled appointment, what it meant. I told him that I'd like him to be sure he wanted to fix us cuz we'd be getting something permanent, for each other. He cancelled the next day and said it was cuz he didn't want to have a permanent thing with someone who he can't see a future with. Then he changed it again and wanted it. It gave me SO MUCH HOPE!!! Maybe false hope. Maybe he's just really hurting and it won't be false hope at all.

I'm sorry for rambling.

BraveSirRobin posted 12/23/2019 10:34 AM

Hi Regretitall,

My inclination is to say that you shouldn't share your BH's username, even by PM. I think that's his decision to make. Having even well-meaning people messaging him at your instigation could backfire if he would prefer to remain a private lurker.

However, if he would like to initiate a PM conversation with another wayward who "only" cheated once, and truly has zero interest in ever doing it again (30 years later), please feel free to share my username with him.

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