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Should I give her space

davebch1 posted 9/7/2019 17:36 PM

I am the WS in our relationship - I fell apart many years ago and confessed after a horrible decline into strip clubs, massage parlors and prostitution - all while traveling for business. It started with porn and my shame over the matter knows no depth.

It is now nearly 7 years after I confessed and she has asked me to leave - our fighting is horrific and seems to only take breaks but never ends - yet we sleep together every night are often seen as in love and truly depend on each other. But what I did to her trust and heart and soul are unspeakable. We were 26 when we married and I'm 46 now - she trusted me and although I've confessed EVERY detail - no matter how painful - the way I confessed and the details are excruciating and I do not think that she'll ever be able to see me the same.

Every day of my life I am cursed and berated in front of my children and I don't know what to do...

FoenixRising posted 9/8/2019 10:55 AM

Hey there...

Youíre in the beginning of a long journey. Start preparing yourself for the trip. Youíre goung to need to pack the following necessities:
1- transparency
2- patience
3- listening ears... not just HEARing ears
5- support- you need a person. Mine was my IC. So if you arenít in counseling... start.
6- ownership- I want to you to read the last line of your post. You are presenting yourself as a victim. You are not. The infidelity is 110% yours to own. I dint care what happened before, how it effected you or your family. You must first see and accept the reality that you CHOSE to have the affairs. Your spouse is the victim of your indiscretion. You put BS there. You stole the choice from them and involved them into infidelity. No the other way around.

Start with these things. It may take some time to get them all ready for the journey but you wonít get anywhere if you donít pack them. Godspeed.

pinkpggy posted 9/8/2019 12:56 PM

Foenix- it's seven years since he confessed. She has asked him to leave. He should probably honor that and go. If it hasn't been fixed in seven years odds are slim it will be..

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 12:56 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]

Zugzwang posted 9/8/2019 14:12 PM

What have you done to change yourself? Did you guys rugsweep? Are you the same man you were 7years ago? Why do you fight? Are you defensive about the affair?

FoenixRising posted 9/8/2019 19:10 PM


7 years tho... maybe theyve never tried to reconcile the right way. Iím interested to hear if he thinks he has already done the things/work suggested. Theyíre pretty important things to do after d day regardless of when. I canít imagine a successful recovery or reconciliation without them.

Of course, if she has asked him to leave he should respect that but I think in moving forward with best health and healing for everyone, heíll still need that list.

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