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GraceLove posted 9/6/2019 15:59 PM

I haven't been here for awhile and was feeling pretty down today so decided to check in.

For the last 6 months I've been living back in Canada and have been so grateful that I am no longer in Oz.

Moving back has been the best thing I have done in a long time.
It doesn't go without its hardships though. Mostly I really miss my daughter (who came for a visit recently) and my friends.

I made some really good friends and they walked with me during a really tough time. They also understand ex pat life.

I have started dating again which has been interesting. I got myself a coach to help me out and I'm doing it completely differently than I was a few months ago.

I'm 9 months from divorce and am so grateful not to be married to fuckwit anymore. So grateful!

There are even days that go by where I don't think of all the trauma that happened.

I still have loose ends to tie up in Oz which causes me alot of stress.

I find myself not feeling much though. Has anyone experienced this?

Not much phases me at all. I don't feel like doing much at times. I'm currently staying home and am sick so that might have something to do with is, and yet...I think that I just don't care much anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if it's because over the past 7 years I've had lots of losses.

I don't seem to have the capacity to help others, nor the want. IT seems like a major inconvenience. I used to be so good at that. And now, I just don't care. The only one I can help is me...and even that seems tough some days.

I try to comfort myself and encourage myself because I know I'm the only one that can. But sometimes I get so lonely because I just want someone to comfort me.

I'm tired. Just tired of everything. Not much interests me somedays. I think of getting a job to avoid feeling my feelings. But I don't have the energy most days.

I'm just up and down right now. A couple of weeks ago I went to Vancouver to meet up with my best friend from Oz. and other friends and family. I had such fun! And afterwards, I just really missed my best friend.

I just want to be happier, more often.


Superesse posted 9/6/2019 17:15 PM

Hi, GraceLove! You are heard. Sorry you are sick ATM, that will pull anyone down, we need to pamper ourselves when we are not healthy, makes sense.

But also yes, you are right, the aftermath of upheaval can be this sense of emotional, even physical exhaustion. I hope you will be getting checked out by good doctors for any possible health issues that might be draining your energy, but it really is true what they say, that grieving is work, especially after several back-to-back losses.

Are you not feeling much in the way of romantic feelings (understandable!) or is it across-the-board "blahs"? That could fit with suffering from low level depression, but it sounds like this coaching you are doing is a great first step! Some kind of work, even short-term, might prove to be a real boost to you, as well, so don't wait for the perfect slot...the old saying that comes to my mind is "the perfect is the enemy of the good."

Keep posting, and know it isn't always going to be bleak for you!

GraceLove posted 9/6/2019 19:10 PM

Hi Superesse

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the response. I feel so alone today.

the aftermath of upheaval can be this sense of emotional, even physical exhaustion
Yes, this is so true. I've moved 4 times in 6 years.

I have had doc tests done and my thyroid was off, which is typical and I'm on a higher dose, and everything else is fine. So I know it has to be emotional.

Are you not feeling much in the way of romantic feelings (understandable!) or is it across-the-board "blahs"?
I guess I have felt romantic feelings. I started dating when I was in Oz and had a relationship before I moved to Canada. So I know that I am into it. I also met someone briefly while on vacation last week (a friend of a friend) but it wasn't anything really. Just lots of chemistry which was fun. And it was good for me to feel that way...alive again.
Somedays it is across the board blahs though. Like today. Everything feels like...what was the point? So it's like, what was the point of that LTmarriage? It was shit! It was a waste of 1/2 my life!! I put all my being into my marriage, my kids and my business and now what? It feels like such a complete waste of my life (except of course my kids...but they are grown now) The one thing I really wanted I never got, which was real love. It makes me so sad. Like I got married, went to sleep, then I woke up and here I am...nothing to show for. I'm a grandma now and I don't get how my whole life just flew by in a horrible marriage (me being unaware of how bad it was, really) and then I wake up and I'm old. And I've just lost my purpose. I love my grandchild and he is the only thing that actually makes me feel love right now.


That could fit with suffering from low level depression, but it sounds like this coaching you are doing is a great first step!
The coaching has been awesome. It is teaching me how not to settle and distort myself for a man. It's been super intensive though, plus I'm doing another self improvement program so maybe I'm just burned out. I don't know.


Some kind of work, even short-term, might prove to be a real boost to you, as well, so don't wait for the perfect slot...the old saying that comes to my mind is "the perfect is the enemy of the good."

I like that. Yeah, I'm going to see if I can get a little part time work.

Superesse posted 9/6/2019 20:04 PM

GraceLove,

Yes, I was actually thinking about your thyroid being off as one possibility. They say stress can deplete it. My doctor was saying mine was borderline last year, yet he didn't want to start me on a regimen I'd have to keep taking, when often, there can be improvements in its function. He recommended getting more exercise.

Diet can be a factor, too, especially alcohol, or too many comfort foods, sorry to say! A really great book I read last winter was Dr. Oz's Food Can Fix It! Check it out, we are all aging....need our nutrition to stay good as we age, since the genes responsible for aging can be "switched back off" by the right lifestyle, that should encourage you!

Finally, I was going to talk about lack of "purpose in life" as a big, big cause of a lot of what you are describing...because...MeToo! I am now 68. We all start looking back, it is what we humans do! I always heard the old folks joke about how fast the calendar pages turn.....now I am really seeing how true it is! I left a fairly successful career after about 20 years. All I have left to show myself that time went by, is a stack of pay stubs I kept and a very small retirement annuity that I couldn't survive on. "C'est La Vie" in that regard.

Remember your first job, how they expect you to just arrive on time, do the work, and get paid whatever? Even that serves as a purpose. You fill someone's momentary need for help. I tried the other day to think "what job is there, that if you didn't keep producing, would keep paying you?" Outside of politics, I couldn't think of ANY! So it's always trading our time for filling a need somewhere. And even volunteering can be rewarding that way, except at some point, you need the validation from the world in terms of cold, hard cash. So don't be too hard on yourself if you don't feel like you are up to being "Lady Bountiful" for all the church or social groups that would love your free efforts! BTDT, too.

Again, priority number 1: YOU, now. Remember the old saying "Physician, heal thyself."

GraceLove posted 9/6/2019 21:51 PM

S..Thanks for this.

I left a fairly successful career after about 20 years. All I have left to show myself that time went by, is a stack of pay stubs I kept and a very small retirement annuity that I couldn't survive on. "C'est La Vie" in that regard.

THis is how I feel too! What was the point? There is nothing to show for it. I had my own business and it all just feels so empty. I have bins in the garage that I will need to throw out or maybe sell one day. I don't even want to look at all that work.
I think I tried so hard my whole life to make sure I was living a value based life, being successful, attaining goals and then I end up here.
I talked to a friend who is also divorced and she said that even if she had married someone else when she was young, instead of the guy she married, it could have ended up the same way because of who she was. She wasn't who she is now and she knows better now.
I liked that because it got me out of my thinking of: how did I waste so much of my life with XWH?

Superesse posted 9/6/2019 22:22 PM

GraceLove, it can be so lonely having your own small business, too. I did that myself for a couple years after I hung up my 9-5 job. Missed the casual people interactions, although didn't miss the A-holes! I found the initial ego boost of making a solo business go wasn't, ultimately, enough satisfaction for me, it just beat working with A-holes!

It gets back to purpose, though. Everybody needs to regroup, from time to.time. I am in the middle of that, myself.

squid posted 9/7/2019 00:26 AM

GraceLove,

If you look at my last post here in NB you'll see that I feel exactly as you do.

I'm also fairly newly divorced, almost 10 months. Lots of down days. Mostly feeling stuck. Missing being happy. Missing being with someone. Just so blah.

You've definitely been heard.

[This message edited by squid at 6:23 AM, September 7th, 2019 (Saturday)]

GraceLove posted 9/7/2019 09:44 AM

Superesse:

GraceLove, it can be so lonely having your own small business, too.

That's true. I haven't worked at mine since November. I just couldn't do it anymore. I've taken a break from that too. I started to hate it. After doing it for over 30 years.

Last night I spoke to a friend and I was telling her how I feel I wasted 1/2 my life with him. And after we spoke for awhile she joked...well you wouldn't have met me if this all hadn't happened.

And in the morning, while I was praying, I felt God tell me that 'You wouldn't have met Me if this all hadn't happened' THat was so TRUE! THe reason I met God was because from early on in my marriage, I needed HIm in my life. This brought me so much comfort.

GraceLove posted 9/7/2019 10:01 AM

Squid

If you look at my last post here in NB you'll see that I feel exactly as you do.

I just took a look. Yeah, that is where I am at today too.

This morning I am not wanting to do anything. I still need to sell a house overseas, deal with all the crap that that involves. And then get started on getting half his CPP in Canada. EVen though it's been 10 months from divorce, there seems to still be things that need to be done.

And mostly I resent him for everything. For today.

Usually I've been pretty good, but there are days like today where it all looks bleak. Having the flu doesn't help because I am stuck at home. I also find that being on my phone too much isn't helpful either so I'm making a pact with myself to leave it off until late afternoon. That way maybe I can get some things done around here and feel a bit better.

And then there's the dating. Even though I have a really good coach, I wonder if I'm as available as I think I am. If I'm really ready to start a relationship? There are days where I know I am, and other days where I have my doubts. There is someone I had gone on 2 dates with and my coach said, no, he's not the one (he doesn't meet my values and what I want and she has been given my permission to help me make sure I don't go for someone that is not what I want, so that I don't settle). So now I have to tell him no. He is really keen which is sweet, but he's not on the same page as I am spiritually or in terms of having deep conversations.

Days like today I find myself going back in time and wishing I had done things differently. If only I had said no to moving, my daughter would be with me now not on the other side of the world. I just hate my life some days.

And the sadness! It isn't always there anymore but lately it has come back. I felt I was doing so well. And then not.

hopeandnohope posted 9/7/2019 13:33 PM

And in the morning, while I was praying, I felt God tell me that 'You wouldn't have met Me if this all hadn't happened' THat was so TRUE! THe reason I met God was because from early on in my marriage, I needed HIm in my life. This brought me so much comfort.
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This!^^^

I have also built a closer relationship with God and have had many prayers answered. Of course the one I prayed so hard for 'Please let ExWH love me again' was not granted and is now one of those 'Thank God for unanswered prayers'! haha

I still deal with feeling down but think when we are older and not busy with kids and family we are not prepared how to make ourselves content.

I live in the US...close to the Canadian /US border. Howdy neighbor!

GraceLove posted 9/7/2019 15:43 PM

Hopeandnohope.

Thanks for your reply.

now one of those 'Thank God for unanswered prayers'! haha
So true!! Me too. I expected to be married forever and thank GOD the infidelity happened because I was miserable without realizing it. I didn't have the courage to leave. As I read some of my old journals today, I saw how bad it was. That maybe I never loved him after all? That's what I think in hindsight, but I didn't believe in divorce so I kept going.

I want so much to meet someone that is right for me. And I know that here's my second chance. But on days like today, all I can think of is....hmmm...let's see here. He is living in the same city as my daughter, he is physically high energy (allowing him to build our dream home, screw around, work full time and pretend he loved me), he has a nice new place, 6 figure income, AND to top it off a new Christian partner! It seems cruel. And I am trusting that God has something good planned for me as well. I am feeling pretty defeated today. I would love to be with someone who has the same values that I do. I'm just feeling awful today....like c'mon God! I've been faithful! Give me a break...


I still deal with feeling down but think when we are older and not busy with kids and family we are not prepared how to make ourselves content.

THIS! Yes, I have so lost my purpose lately. And even though my other daughter lives in the same city, I don't feel like visiting. At least that's how I am right now. I have a new grandson but also have the flu so I can't see him right now.

I live in the US...close to the Canadian /US border. Howdy neighbor!
Hi! This is what I have missed.....that North American enthusiasm...thank you:)

hopeandnohope posted 9/9/2019 08:42 AM

Good Monday morning Grace. Do you work? I thought about calling in sick today, which I haven't done in forever, and decided I needed to keep with my routine. Going to work, especially when I don't want to, keeps me moving forward. Not sure how I will handle retirement in 2 years (EXCITED) but might need a part time job just to get me participating in life outside my home.

Hope you are doing better today and have something planned for your day too.

GraceLove posted 9/9/2019 09:11 AM

Hope

Hi that's a good question. No I had taken a sabbatical this year to do some healing.

I quit my business in November but can start it up anytime.

I thought that not working would be good for me. I have been a workaholic and done work stuff in order not to feel pain during my lifetime. And to ignore my feelings. So most days I'm grateful not to work,,,those are the days where things are going well.

Because I am dealing with things overseas as well as my regular life, I just didn't have the energy to work...

BUt...now that I"m back in Canada with connections, I did reach out to a friend and he is very interested in hiring me. It would be part time and I am going to go and see him this week. Was supposed to go last week but I was too sick. And apparently too sad!

So, I think something very part time would be good. Especially with the winter coming up. I had been pretty good at having a really good routine and schedule but it all fall apart the last while, when I had suffered a rib injury then got the flu. Staying at home in bed was not what the (psychological) doctor ordered! REcipe for disaster.

steadychevy posted 9/9/2019 09:13 AM

Greetings, GraceLove.

I was raised in a Christian home but wasn't Christian. I knew I wasn't but acted like one, I guess. A fake Christian.

Finally, in 1997, I became an actual born again Christian. This was after my WW became one. But I was a lazy Christian. I didn't read my Bible much. I prayed a lot. I did lots of service things in the church.

After the DDays I was very angry at God. Why me Lord? God never gave up, though. In the last year and a half I have become much closer to God. I believe I can say that I'm not a lazy Christian anymore (well, most of the time).

I just wanted to relate this to you so you would know you're not alone in this. Even though I was born again I don't think I had God in first place in my life. I believe I do now (well, most of the time).

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

We will have down periods and up periods - maybe getting to a very gentle roller coaster. This too shall pass, GraceLove. My best wishes for you. You know you have God's best wishes.

hopeandnohope posted 9/9/2019 20:06 PM

Trying to not put too much info here is hard because I would love to hear about the part time job and what you were doing before. I love hearing about other people's lives in other countries.

I would have taken a sabbatical if I could have afforded it. I did get 5 months straight off work for cancer treatment plus a day a week after for more treatment. I needed that time away from work and even though it was for chemo and radiation, it was welcome and needed.

Keep us posted if you start working part time. That just might be what the dr ordered.

gmc94 posted 9/10/2019 11:26 AM

I think I tried so hard my whole life to make sure I was living a value based life, being successful, attaining goals and then I end up here.
Just want to say this really resonated. WH and I are not D (but are S), but this thought hits me nearly every doggone day.

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