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Iíve lost it all and I donít even know how it started

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Itsallmyfault posted 9/4/2019 04:01 AM

I have to update this post. Admin : please understand im not deleting this without reason
My case against my rapist is going to court. I have been advised to remove anything online and although this is anonymous I still feel like I gave away way too many personal details. This thread is has been invaluable to me and so has all the responses and I thank you all for helping pull me out of a very dark space. Everything else can stay up but I just need to remove the main and personal post where I went into detail about the encounter and stuff afterwards which id rather deal with in courts

[This message edited by Itsallmyfault at 5:19 PM, April 15th (Wednesday)]

oldtruck posted 9/4/2019 06:30 AM

If you live in the US what your boss did is illegal.
Time for you to lawyer up. One that specializes in
work place sexual harassment.

As to your case. Many WW's will guide you through
your poor decisions and help you heal.

Keep in mind as you find this site helpful your
BH should know of this site so he can get the help
he needs to heal as well.

landclark posted 9/4/2019 08:11 AM

So I am a BS, and just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you find yourself here.

I struggled to believe I was that physically capable of forcing him like he aaid I did

You didn't. He wanted it. He was ok with it. He's a scumbag for taking advantage of you in that state. A real man would have put you to bed, closed the door and walked away.

What you did after was definitely wrong, but I honestly kind of get it. No excuse, but I get it. Your IC can help you work through why you kept going. I think it's much deeper than you just wanted it. Just be honest with the IC. Tell them everything so they can truly help you.

I hope it works out for you and your family, whatever that looks like.

S0leil posted 9/4/2019 08:31 AM

I nearly cried while reading your post because your story is a lot like mine. I too was raped while under the influence of substances (I had been drugged). I blamed myself afterward for being there. If I hadnít been there I wouldnít have been in a position where I was at risk of being drugged and raped. But psychologically I couldnít handle it being a rape even though I knew it was. I couldnít be that girl again. That helpless, weak girl with no autonomy over her own body. I could NOT be a rape victim AGAIN. I had worn that hat in the past many times. Never again. I was done with that life. It couldnít be rape. It HAD to be something more. I could NOT handle another rape. No. Never.

I wasnít attracted to the AP. I had been in the past but that ship had long since sailed. The AP now looked like crap. Skinny, disheveled, emaciated even. But for the future incidents that occurred during the year of the A in the months to come (after that first time) I made it all different. I took charge of it all. I kissed nearly every inch of his pale, scrawny body. I pressed myself against him as if we were going to melt into one person. I spread my legs wide as he entered me. I clutched him tightly against me. My choice. My body. My decision. You canít take from me what Iím freely giving to you. You canít hurt me. Iím in charge. Iím in control. This will NOT be a rape; Iíll make it into something else. Something beautiful. Taking my power back. I wonít let you hurt me. I wonít let anyone ever hurt me again. I donít cry, I come. Multiple times. Thatís better. Pleasure not pain. My body my choice. No more pain.

Iím sorry. I think your post is triggering me. What happened to me messed me up. It messed you up too. It was not our fault what happened. But we handled it in unhealthy and destructive ways. We hurt our loved ones in the process. Itís not the right path to healing. Itís just a circular journey to more pain.

Donít miss your IC appointment today. No matter what you have to go. You must. Please. I wish I had started sooner. Before everything seemed broken beyond repair.

Iím sorry this happened to you. I am sorry for your partnerís pain too.

[This message edited by S0leil at 8:58 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

Bladerunner2054 posted 9/4/2019 10:02 AM

I agree with Oldtruck. If you lived in the U.S. you would gets millions in a lawsuit, to mention national publicity.

Itsallmyfault posted 9/4/2019 11:52 AM

Sorry donít know how to individually reply

Old truck: not in U.S unfortunately. I went to the police and they havenít been able to help much. Havenít heard from them in months on ongoing situation. All I know is heís being investigated on another allegation. I will show my ex the site. Know it will help him a lot.

Iandclark: thank you for taking time to read and your message. Iím really looking forward to IC. Itís something I should have done sooner and want to really learn to open up and talk. It was a good step coming in here and opening up, hopefully I can do same in person with someone.

S0leil: Iím sorry the post triggered you. I know Iíve come across articles and posts that have made me feel the same. Iím sorry for what you went through and that you too didnít cope or handle things in a healthy way. I will definitely go and I wonít keep anything back. I just want to be at peace with this monster in my mind and grow from this one day. Firstly by learning to not take responsibility for the rape but learning the whys and howís about the rest and my actions after that night, and fixing myself before I can even attempt to fix anything else. Hugs to you

Bladerunner: I donít want money from this. I just want to fix my mistakes or even just try to understand them. Me caring about financial security landed me in this mess. It was so important to keep my job keep my shitty little salary. Iíd love to publicly out him so he canít do this to another girl, maybe I will. Iíve already lost so much and I hate him for getting away with it living his billionaire life with his family in tact and more naive girls drinking around him. But I donít want money or glory. Itís hard to draw the line between whatís a positive move forward and whatís a hateful one

Jameson1977 posted 9/4/2019 12:33 PM

Hi and welcome Itsallmyfault.

I'm a BH and totally agree with landclark. This boss is a piece of garbage and should be held accountable. And yes, if you are unable to give consent, this was sexual assault, no question. A realm man would have helped you to your room and left. I've done this a few times myself.

Given it occurred some time ago, outside of the US and you continued to sleep with him consensually afterwards, this may impact any investigation. The fact he offered $ to make it go away should show you that he knows what he did and tried to bury it.

The boss's wife deserves to know, and given there is another complaint against him, probably knows he's a cheater, and worse, but she does deserve to know what happened.

Please really invest and be honest in IC. This will help you a great deal.

I totally understand when you say you dont want any $ because of this, but these cases aren't all about $, it's about holding this piece of garbage accountable.

DoinBettr posted 9/4/2019 12:34 PM

[edit: no soliciting]
Usually the victim (WS) can't understand how the BS isn't supporting them after they finished betraying the marriage after the rape incident. It asks for so much belief from the BS that the first time was rape and not an excuse.
Give your BS a little time. He might come back around, but you will need to win him back. That can be done after you fix yourself. IC is the first step. Don't hold back and you will heal faster.
Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:15 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 9/4/2019 12:50 PM

Rape and abuse is what I see. IMO, your boss set you up by letting you get so drunk. And I'm not so sure you came on to him. From what you wrote, I expect you were too drunk to do that.

As a BS, the hardest part is that you continued to have sex with the guy.

You may not be able to win back your M, but you can go on to having a good life.

It is often said to BSes, 'Give up trying to control the outcome.' That's true for WSes, too. What matters for you is changing from betrayer to good partner, whether you D or R. If you focus your energy on that, the rest will take care of itself.

Don't let fear keep you from looking at yourself. If you put the fear aside, you'll find you can redeem yourself.

I hope you've found a great IC.

Newlifeisgreat posted 9/4/2019 13:12 PM

Sorry if I missed it, but does husband know?

Itsallmyfault posted 9/4/2019 13:55 PM

Thank you for the well wishes and advice. Yes I get that point on him knowing it wasnít an excuse. My betrayal probably lead to some questions about my honesty and how much he could trust my word. To help with that BH was involved with my talks with police even at home when they were updating info on case, saw all email exchanges from the owner/AP trying to pay me off. Listened in on phone conversations or listened to recordings back if not at home when I was handing in notice or confronting and confirming reasons why and heard AP didnít confess probably for legal reasons but instead just said Iím sorry you feel that way etc - think he realises if Iíd made up how I wasnít even consenting first night AP/Abuser would have said I was lying. Even so he still needs time and space away from me to heal from my betrayal from my actions I did commit after the incident I get that

@Jameson1977 Yes I agree. My life is in pieces for my part in this and my unhealthy attitude towards rape or abuse lead me to self destruct and in turn destruct the man I love. My POS ex boss has had to pay no price for his infidelity let alone his sexual assault. Once I can offload and start understanding my actions better I hope Iíll out him for what he is and what he did. Iíve just let my guilt for the things I COULD control allow myself to really not focus on what he deserves and my justice for what was stolen to me, instead just focused the anger and hatred at myself and not wanting to have to admit what I was done when thinking of outing him.

@sisoon Thank you. Even as the person who did the cheating thatís the hardest part for me to understand or accept too because Iím still too early on from fixing myself to even really put into words why I did what I did. I put my assault in box and just focused on ways to make BS heal like I believe I should have but now realising to help BS heal I should have sought after answers myself and search for the big answer to the big question - why did I do it. Opening up that box and facing it head on I hope will help me, but more importantly him. Even if it means in a year or 2 time I can sit and explain what Iíve learned from self reflection and give some context to my actions itíll help him move on with a bit more insight of why I did what I did. I know thereís not going to be any pretty answer to that and itíll never be what he wanted to hear, but me just saying ďI donít know why I reacted that wayĒ ďi was scared to lose my jobĒ really isnít ever going to help him move on.

@newlifeisgreat yes sorry itís a big chunk of text where Iím on my phone and begun rambling. He knows everything not just the rape/assault. Knows I continued sleeping with him on trips. Seeing him alone. Having drinks at/after work. This is the part that destroyed our relationship and after trying to work through this part for a year he said heíd never get over it. My actions that make no sense running back into the arms of my abuser. This is the part I need to learn myself too.

Itsallmyfault posted 9/6/2019 02:13 AM

Hi guys

Update on my first IC. It was nerve wrecking. Itís was hard to tell this stranger my life. But I feel more conflicted now than I did before

She has a long history of working with victims of rape and sexual abuse, as well as divorce marriage and infidelity (this is why I chose her)

We spoke about that night. We spoke about my thoughts the morning after. The week after. My thoughts when I was opening my legs to him willingly. Spoke about me taking the guilt for the rape. For all the ugly truths and deceptions.

She told me it wasnít my fault. Told me I need to stop hating myself on such an unhealthy level. She mentioned that I talk more venomously about myself that I even do talking about my attacker and abuser. She told me in all the rape cases sheís ever worked closely with, there is a consequence and reaction from the victim and itís rarely a healthy one. She told me the way I reacted, my actions, were actually very much the norm, itís unfair, itís sad women do this, but they do. She told me it sounds like I was trying to take control of what he had done to me, taken from me. My partner got hurt in the aftermath, and the aftermath was a consequence of the rape. She asked me if I would have done what I done - sleeping with him afterwards - if the rape never happened. I told her I donít believe it would have. I never had feelings for this man.never wanted to step outside my relationship with my childís father. She told me the affair was a continuation of the rape and I need to let go of my hatred for myself and my blame

I walked out of that session and for the first time in nearly 2 years I felt like a human being. I slept for 7 hours which I havenít been able to do in a long time. I didnít wake with a panic attack. I didnít wake up and want to be sick. I woke up feeling like I was ready to fix my life because I deserved to

But thatís where I feel conflicted. I want to hate myself. Iím still wanting to self destruct for my actions I couldnít fathom once I let me mind process what was happening. I want to feel like itís ďallmyfaultĒ like I have been since the night it happened, because thatís what my BS deserves. It will hurt him for me to think it was actions of trauma. It was a response to pain. It didnít make me an evil person. Because Iím an evil person for hurting and betraying him the way I did.

Not sure if this means my therapist is the wrong one for me, as sheís almost told me I deserve forgiveness. From myself at least. Should she be so accepting of my actions after the event. Why do I now feel like I was the one who was robbed of something instead of only thinking my partner was. Confused conflicted and I know this is the place for a nice brutal reality check while Iím feeling a bit more like a victim than Iíd ever let myself feel. But I am the cheat. I am the betrayer. How do I forgive myself and move on but also retain that hatred for what I did

Justsomelady posted 9/6/2019 03:51 AM

Hugs to you. I am so glad you went to therapy. I think the conflicted feelings are only natural. You had a horrific thing happen to you. Without getting into details I did a similar thing, had a consensual relationship with a former boyfriend who raped me and did rape-adjacent acts with a lot of pressure. I donít know why I stayed with him for months after, but I think it must have been like what your therapist said - some sort of reclaiming of power by ďagreeingĒ to it after the fact? I also think I was in a total stare of shock and trauma for many months. I only was able to break up when he has to move out of state for work...as soon as I was away from him I realized how messed up it all was and how I had allowed myself to be ensnared in an abusive web. I didnít heal for years after and my scenario isnít as bad as what you went through.

So, the infidelity. Yes, you did a bad thing, no you are not a monster. You did what you did but in the fog of trauma and were not in your right mind. That can be true at the same time it is true you need to own your own part in the betrayal. You are remorseful and are seeking to understand it and how you could have taken the path you did. Keep on that path and keep taking good care of yourself and of your husband where you can. You can persevere despite conflicted feelings, you can understand why you acted the way you did and also own up to it. You can be accountable without hating yourself, but it takes time and effort. I know it is hard as I struggle too but find compassion for yourself.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 8:39 AM, September 6th (Friday)]

Tallgirl posted 9/6/2019 05:56 AM

Hi. I am sorry this has happened. It is a sad story of one terrible act started a terribly sad chain reaction.

Glad you are seeing an IC.

I hope you ex boss gets his just rewards. He is evil.

Trdd posted 9/6/2019 07:20 AM

The IC session sounds like it went well. I am glad you slept well that evening.

The staunch advice here on SI that it is always a choice the WS makes and not a mistake, that the failings of a relationship don't cause an affair ..... well, they don't apply to you in the same way they do most people. Circumstances create a climate where we all make decisions. I have always believed that a WS owns their decision to have an affair but that the context it happens in sometimes has more legitimate impact on the decision. Well, your scenario has to be one of those. It has to be. In fact, it really is in its own category because of the trauma you experienced.

Can you still hate the fact you chose to act in the way you did? Yes. Can you help your BS heal from it? Yes. But you have to understand that your rape initiated this. Not a willful decision to have an A. I can't hope to really understand how you felt or why doing what you did seemed like it would heal you. I can see the connection but having no experience, well, I don't want to claim understanding. But that was your trauma directing you. What I do know is that trauma creates its own reaction. Sure, there are patterns we can identify but they can appear in each person in a very unique way.

So I think you should stick with the IC awhile. Heal yourself. Forgive yourself. And keep healing your husband... and hopefully he will learn more about this and do the same for you.

Sanibelredfish posted 9/6/2019 07:51 AM

IAMF, Iím sorry this happened to you and Iím glad to see you are getting help. You have some urgent issues to address for your own well being, and that needs to take center stage for the time being. As you progress in therapy I would urge you to be mindful that this explanation for you behavior is still not an excuse for it. Again, that is secondary for the time being, but an important thing to remember going forward. Good luck to you and your BH.

thatcantbetrue posted 9/6/2019 21:14 PM

Unfortunately, I think it needs to be pointed out, that while having the affair may be something your traumatism led you to,

The deceit to your husband was not. You might have needed to take back control, but you had no need to lie to your husband nor to go behind his back. Those were your fully free decisions. You faced countless moments in your affair, when you had the choice between telling your partner what's going on, what happened, and what you're about to do, and you always took the fully free decision to lie to him knowing what it will do to him. Nothing influenced you into that, but how unwilling you were to let him decide if he can accept your needs to have an affair.

Beware that your therapy isn't letting you lie about this.

If you accept it as out of your controlw then the next time you betray someone in the worst way possible, you will tell it was out of your control too. You were led to do some things. But some others were entirely yours. That needs to not be handled like they were not.

Carissima posted 9/7/2019 01:38 AM

Unfortunately, I think it needs to be pointed out, that while having the affair may be something your traumatism led you to,
The deceit to your husband was not. You might have needed to take back control, but you had no need to lie to your husband nor to go behind his back. Those were your fully free decisions. You faced countless moments in your affair, when you had the choice between telling your partner what's going on, what happened, and what you're about to do, and you always took the fully free decision to lie to him knowing what it will do to him. Nothing influenced you into that, but how unwilling you were to let him decide if he can accept your needs to have an affair.

This so much.... I'm glad someone else posted this as I would probably have said it not so gently.

I can completely understand your WH's decision to leave. I'm sorry but for me the majority of this was a conscious choice and that is what'd harm any thought of R.

You also sound more upset about the impact this man had on your professional life than your personal one and I have to wonder what you would have done if he had followed through on his employment promises. How long would you have continued on with the affair.

Itsallmyfault posted 9/7/2019 03:33 AM

Yes I know I betrayed him. Know I can never undo the damage from my lies and infidelity. And I agree at one point I did worry about my job more than anything else. I was selfish and wanted to make something of myself. I donít see it that way now. I clean other people houses to make extra money for the family, scrub their toilets instead of caring about professional gain, salaries titles etc. Iím not interested in returning to my field. Itís scarred me.

I hate who I become. Not just my actions but the way I cared less about real things that matter.

But it is too late. The man I love has told me itís over and we wonít R. I have urged him to think about IC of his own and the help it will bring him in working through emotions in a healthily way, what I wish Iíd done after my assault, but itís all too late. I do know that. I realise my previous posts were very excusing of my behaviour. Itís not. I only meant it that it felt positive to start understanding the whys. It doesnít undo my actions though only and a fucked up ďbecauseĒ to them. Because I didnít love you enough to tell you what was happening. Didnít love you enough to realise my life was unhealthy. Didnít love you enough to leave you and let you be happy when I was self destructed instead I dragged him down with me.

I will give him everything he needs to move on and start healing. Right now Iím not sure what that is. He wants to be my friend one day, wants to sleep with me the next, wants to NC me another. Right now Iím just doing whatever he wants to do. If I notice heís pulled away I leave him alone, if he turns up and wants to hang out, we do that. Iíll give him whatever he needs while acknowledging itís over, because I hurt him so much. Sorry if I didnít seem like I cared. I really really do. I cared after it was too late. I know that.

Itsallmyfault posted 9/7/2019 03:57 AM

You also sound more upset about the impact this man had on your professional life than your personal one and I have to wonder what you would have done if he had followed through on his employment promises. How long would you have continued on with the affair.

I wouldnít have continued it. The share hold I signed gave me just around a million £ ďif I stayed with the companyĒ for a certain period of time. That was mine to keep if i stayed in that situation. I left and forfeited it. However yes you can argue that was only once Iíd cleared my head and started to accept things rather than sticking my head in the sand. So not sure I can argue the actions I ďwould haveĒ done because I donít know. I want to believe not, but Iím not in that mindset or Head space now

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