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Flood of failure

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StoneLotus posted 9/2/2019 22:51 PM

Youíre right when you said ďyou canít bullshit a bullshitterĒ if youíve seen her most recent post on the general thread then you know that even more came out. Shit I was hiding even when making this post. Iím sick. Iím sick and Iím messed up and Iím a sexual addict.

I donít even know what to put here. There isnít a response I can get that isnít everything Iíve already seen. At this point, sheís probably going to leave but I have to separate that out from myself, Iíve got to focus on just focusing on work thatíll make me better, that I hope will break me out of this.

My friend, thank you for sticking with me through this, and you were absolutely right about me the entire time. I donít know if I can fix this. But I can at least own it.

hikingout posted 9/3/2019 14:13 PM

StoneLotus,


I find myself mixed in how I am feeling about this post, especially the last one you have posted in this thread. I feel your reentrance to posting was likely a way of trying to manipulate your wife, but that some honest pain came out at the same time. It's difficult for me to understand you on a deeper level, mostly because our experiences/motivations have been very different. Different but the same in many ways. (I say this with BSR's note from this thread of resisting looking like a model WS.) I don't really feel there is such a thing as a model WS. We are all here because we made terrible choices, we took for granted the lives we led and the precious people who we led them with.

Our stories are different, but we have all hit these low points, as we were bringing severely traumatizing events to innocent people who do not deserve it. I have seen it said many, many times in this forum that often it's not the affair that kills the marriage but our actions afterwards and this is a sad part of this truth.


So, what I am going to say out of compassion for knowing what the rock bottom looks like, what are you putting into place for your support? Are you going to SA meetings? IC? Are you okay, are you considering self harm? This shame spiraling that you get in is not helpful for your recovery. I do think we have to hit rock bottom sometimes to see it's more painful for us to be in the place we are than to make the changes of who we are and where we need to go.

It seems often we get people here who seem not to know what to do to get out of their patterns. We see people chastise them for not doing what they know they should do, but I don't think that's accurate exactly. Yes, I agree you knew to tell the truth, you knew that acting out wasn't going to fix the issues, and yet you stayed on that trajectory. And the reason is because the things that create those compulsions has never been addressed. The reason that they have not been addressed is because you never had the unyielding desire to do it. You might have wanted to do it for your wife, but motivation doesn't come from consequences or for sake of other people. It comes from needing to change for yourself.

Don't you want to be a man that you can be proud of? Don't you want to be able to enjoy intimacy from the heart instead of trying to fill yourself up with disposable, cheap sexual escapades that you use not to connect on that deeper level? The thing you need to do is find your own motivation. You don't deserve to go through life feeling like shit and not reaching your potential as a man and partner. But you keep sabotaging yourself. Get the motivation, and get to the root of these problems you are having. Do it for you.

And, then be the father your kids need. And, if you can't be her husband any more, be a sense of support for her that she can rely on as their father. I think you felt you could just keep the balls in the air a bit and keep the stability you enjoyed at home with them. You will never find stability in your life until you can give it to yourself.

Keep posting, keep working on yourself. Get to a meeting. Stop the pain and shame spiral you keep yourself in as it will keep you wanting to medicate it in unhealthy ways. If you start doing the right things, you will be very surprised as to how good that makes you feel. When you feel good, you will continue to want to keep those patterns up. You likely will also need intensive therapy for your SA. Make sure to do that.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 9/3/2019 15:14 PM

If youíre right and Iíve already used up all of my credit here and with her it wonít matter

This is where you are wrong (and I think your next sentence after you said this alluded to that). It will matter because until you get beyond this lying (for whatever reason as arguably it's not even for self-protection as the lies have hung you out to dry as much, if not moreso than your A-actions) you will stay in this miserable cycle. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

You have to do this for YOU - the you that you want to be/that you can be/that you aspire to be.

farsidejunky posted 9/3/2019 15:37 PM

SerJR you are correct again, motivation has always been my problem. After two years of lying to myself and ignoring my BSs pain I certainly deserve to be called lazy and uncaring.

Saying you deserve to be called that is not the same as admitting you are that.

That and you all do legitimately have some very strong advice to guide and give. Thatís why Iím starting here, or trying to really start here. If I bare my soul to you guys, stop trying to protect my feelings and myself in a public place, maybe I can come to grips with what Iíve done and what I need to continue to do in order to fix it.

Not to be a total dick, here, but why will it be different this time? Understand this is rhetorical...as whatever you say clearly cannot be trusted.

BraveSirRobin, a polygraph sounds fantastic. Iíve brought it up before but Iíll do it again for her and see if she wants it. If sheís not interested then I have no idea how to handle that experience by myself, could you elaborate on how it will help me? Just trying to make sure I have a solid understanding of your logic.

By illustrating that your TT is finished? Frankly, your above statement smells of manipulation, and suggests there is yet more TT behind the last round.

Still in protection mode. Still a wayward.

**Edited to clarify a statement.**

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 3:40 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

Chaos posted 9/3/2019 15:44 PM

BS here. I've read through. And while you seek 2x4s [against the guidelines for me to provide them - so you'll have to settle for what I think is run of the mill 2 cents]. But for those who are able to swing them - what are you hoping to accomplish? You've already donned your battle armor so you are well padded enough. They may smart a bit - but you aren't looking to get the full impact. I don't think.

I know the problem is that while I can own this shit, I still donít ďgetĒ it, I still donít have the guts to do the serious work and be uncomfortable reliving and actually trying to help us heal from this shit Iíve caused.

I disagree. If you owned it fully - you'd get it. You have the guts. You can do the work. You have to choose to be uncomfortable reliving and trying to help heal from the shit you've caused.

Right now - you are screaming from the rooftops you'd rather HER be in pain that YOU. Let that sink in. You'd rather cause her immense pain than let you feel it yourself.

You hurt her repeatedly to protect yourself. You know you are doing it, you choose to do it and you are prepared to do it again (because until you man the bleep up and own your own shit - that's what you are doing - planning on hurting her to protect yourself). Why? And, with that, ask yourself why she should choose to stay with someone who would do that to her.

Would you?

farsidejunky posted 9/3/2019 15:44 PM

I typed the "more TT to come" statement before reading your last post.

At this point, whether you lose her or not is not your largest concern.

Living your life with authenticity should be.

StoneLotus posted 9/3/2019 18:51 PM

Hey everyone, sorry it took me so long to get back here and post.

Just a warning that my mental state sucks and Iíll be making this post without doing a draft or proofreading, so itíll be stream of conscious while the emotions are still raw.

To everyone who posted about being worried that what I was posting about here was more manipulation? You are absolutely right to be worried about that. Iíve been using the grief, anger and anxiety Iíve felt today and really been examining my thoughts.

You know what I found?

ďMan, I could have done X better to not get caught.Ē

What. The fuck. This wasnít a one off thing, I kept coming back to this thought and having to shut it down. Other highlights include a whole truck load of attempting to blame shift to her.

ďNone of this is a big deal, why wonít she work with me on it?Ē

Again, when I actually take a time to look at my thoughts I do not fucking like what I see. My thought process is beyond toxic, which is a ďno shitĒ situation to all of you guys, and definitely to her.

Let me lay out some truths: I am a cheater, I am emotionally abusive, I am a toxic person and have the same abusive patterns that I have decried in others. I am one of the horror stories on this site without a doubt.

Hikingout? Thank you for your reply in particular. All your points are excellent and I canít break all of them down right here, but I want to talk about what you and most everyone else here has brought up: I need to do this for me, and I need to separate out the consequences. The relationship I was trying to save is dead, but more importantly I am a toxic person that killed it while doing severe damage to someone else, and right now if I was to be in -any- relationship the result would be the same.

I need to fix me, I need to become someone healthy, so that any person around me. Friends, Partners, and especially my children can be safe being around and enjoy being with. I am really fucking far away from it right now.

I want the be believed that Iím at least attempting to be genuine. My thought processes are still extremely toxic and Iím having to check myself around every bend. I think Iím being successful so far, but that i acknowledge is just a very small step in a long journey to being healthy.

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