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Being directed to SI by BS

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Beachwalker posted 8/29/2019 16:47 PM

I found SI on my own, also through a Google search. I looked at a few other sites, but this one was the easiest to navigate and seemed to have support for my specific situation.

I find it interesting that others mentioned their WSes did as mine: be invited here, read a little, then just lose interest. I still copy things I see here and forward them to her, but I almost never get a response though Iím sure she reads them.

EvolvingSoul posted 8/29/2019 19:51 PM

Found it on my own with a literal google search on "surviving infidelity". That was in the last part of June, a few weeks after D-day. I was very foggy and fence sitting. I didn't join until four months later at the end of October and then only because I wanted to be able to read profiles. No way was I posting. I was NC with AP but hadn't sent an NC letter permanently ending the affair. I was still fence sitting and I thought my situation was special and unique and really did not want to open myself up to people telling me otherwise.

Around Thanksgiving I finally got off the fence and decided that the future would either be a relationship with BS or I would go it alone. My first post wasn't until February.

So I guess you could say it was a slow process for me becoming part of the community. It's over 9 years now since D-day and I'm still here and BS and I are pretty well reconciled. I do not think we would have made it this far without the site. When I was asked to be a guide it felt great to be able to help out.

BS has an account here but rarely reads and has only posted a couple of times in response to things I have posted.

BraveSirRobin posted 8/29/2019 20:10 PM

Thanks so much for the responses! I'm unfortunately not able to respond much right now due to an IRL curve ball, but I'm checking in and reading updates avidly.

EllieKMAS posted 8/29/2019 21:07 PM

Hope everything's OK BSR!

For all you WSs that have stayed on here and are doing the work - I sincerely commend you. It's really hard being a BS, I can only imagine it is also very difficult being a WS for a whole lot of different reasons.

I tried to get my stbxWH onto here, more for his healing than healing our M, but he is not ready to face himself yet. He might not ever be, but I hope he does come on here someday for his own sake.

Haven't spent a whole lot of time in Wayward just yet, but have started following a few WSs that have responded on mine and others posts in JFO and General. I do appreciate the insights offered that I wouldn't have from my own perspective.

Whether BS or WS though - I thank the heavens every day for SI. It has been an absolute life saver for me these last few months.

Unhinged posted 8/29/2019 22:46 PM

Did you send them here? Did it help?
Shortly after finding SI, I told my FWW about the site and gave her my username. She really, really hated SI at first. But! She read on her own, mostly I think to find out what I was writing about. She even created an account, although I strongly suspect that she only did so to be able to access my profile and recent posts. (HA!)

I don't recommend sharing SI with a spouse (WS or BS). Although I think it worked out okay for us, and for others, by and large I think it seems to create more problems than it solves. It's best, I think, to keep SI as a safe place for a while.

Maudlin posted 8/30/2019 07:34 AM

I really, really wish I could tell me Asshat to read here, because so much of it he may finally get.

But, leaving his nasty ass and I havenít yet, and Iíve been following him around for 20 years and need what I can get from the divorce. I canít tip my hand and risk being unable to care for my kids.

BraveSirRobin posted 8/30/2019 08:11 AM

Thanks, Ellie. My MIL fell and fractured her knee, so there was a flurry of getting her and the things she needs to the hospital. She'll need surgery, unfortunately, but the prognosis is for a full recovery.

I had a hypothesis that waywards might do better here if they are sufficiently self-aware to take the first step by themselves, but in reading these posts, that doesn't seem to be the case at all. Some of the WS whom I consider to be the most eloquent and clear-sighted members are saying that their early posts now make them wince. That's true whether they walked through the door of SI or got kicked through it. It's a good thing for me to remember in dealing with new waywards. I was as brutally foggy as anyone, and more than some, but I worked through the early stages of it as a lurker. The worst of me isn't documented here, except in retrospect.

FearfulAvoidance posted 8/30/2019 10:27 AM

My BS told me about SI. She didn't tell me her username, and when I found her post by accident we agreed that I would stay off her threads unless invited to read. I have kept that agreement.

I honestly can't remember if it was before or after actual DDay in March, or sometime after fake Dday the prior November. After fake Dday we were listening to podcasts about affair recovery and going to MC. The entire time I refused to see how what I was doing equated to an actual A, and since I was still full on in my A underground, it didn't help me see anything.

After I ended the A in March I slowly started to come here and read. I fought it every step of the way and came up with a 1000 reasons why it wasn't applicable to me or to us. I couldn't see past the heteronormative gendered bullshit and the religious undertones of some posts. And of course, I was special, my A didn't fit into any of the boxes here, and I wasn't like "those people" because I wasn't ever in the same country as AP, so there was never the opportunity for it to become "real". *eye roll*

I didn't become a member or post anything until a year after fake Dday. I think it was at the insistence of my BS. Not a requirement, but strongly suggested, repeatedly.
My posts were sporadic, mostly when I was in a bad place. I received many 2x4s that I imediately discounted because it was assumed I was a man, and so it didn't apply. (Who's perpetuating gendered bullshit now, hm?) I would disappear without a response and resurface months later and repeat.

But I kept reading. Occasionally posting replies to help new Ws that were going through withdrawal. That helped me in my own defogging process...

.... wow. Nobody asked for the SI orgin story of FearfulAvoidance. Funny how a simple question with a simple answer turns into a me-show. Something to look at. But hey, just another example of how this site has helped me along the way. :)

BraveSirRobin posted 8/30/2019 11:43 AM

wow. Nobody asked for the SI orgin story of FearfulAvoidance. Funny how a simple question with a simple answer turns into a me-show.
I think it does answer the question, though. How do waywards get here, and how do we evolve from "doing time" to doing the work?

I really identify with your "those people" comment. My first reaction on reading here was to otherize. "I didn't get caught, I confessed. The A was really over; I didn't go underground. I didn't denigrate my BS to OM or plan to leave him. OM really fell for me, I wasn't played." My A was my fault, sure right yes yes, but here are all the mitigating factors that make me different. Not all of the rules apply to me.

I still do it sometimes. I found my back prickling when a BS wrote that all WWs are also APs. "Not me! OM was single!" But you know, while I'm grateful that that's true, it's really just dumb luck. Is everyone supposed to believe that I betrayed my BH, the love of my life, but that if OM was attached, that would have stopped me from getting involved? That I'd have valued his marriage more than my own? The argument is a distraction. I may not have betrayed the sisterhood, but I betrayed one woman for sure: I betrayed myself. Once I proved I was willing to do that, the rest is just semantics.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:01 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

JBWD posted 8/30/2019 12:33 PM

I see two categories of the cheaters directed here: Those who are ready to listen/learn and those who arenít. In my description of my arrival I was a ďself-referralĒ who straddled the two categories- The six months leading up to it, as I said, were sadly wasted on me...

I think the main variable that factors into WS receptivity upon arrival may primarily be a factor of time since D-Day. It seems to me that those freshly discovered have a harder time hearing the truth. They are the ones who actively engage to refute and counter every painful truth. Thereís a very select few who show up freshly caught and ready to change- One factor that MAY affect that is prior exposure to IC or other methods of introspection/self-analysis- Thoughts among those who set/MAINTAINED NC and swiftly set into self-work?

Trying2bBetter posted 8/30/2019 14:41 PM

I got on here after seeing that my BS was on here. She didn't try to force it on me but thought the dialogue in here would be good for me to read. I was completely skeptical when I first went on and I still don't really post that much, it's more reading. But I will say this site has certainly helped me. Reading the thoughts and opinions of the BS's in similar situations to my BS can quickly snap me back into reality when I screw something up, which unfortunately still happens. I feel it's like getting more insight into my wife's side of things, opening me up to think of things I didn't think of before, starting new conversations I wouldn't have thought of before.

gmc94 posted 8/30/2019 15:41 PM

And of course, I was special, my A didn't fit into any of the boxes here, and I wasn't like "those people"
My CH was/is (?) in this place... an amazing ability to differentiate, even if only on the smallest of details. I guess it makes him feel better.

I remember when BSR joined and I also recall some cringing (sorry). My hope is always that any SI member (WS or BS) can look back at first and most recent posts and find progress. And IMO, BSR would fall into that category. I'd like to think I do too, but sometimes that anger monster gets the better of me

BraveSirRobin posted 8/30/2019 16:38 PM

I remember when BSR joined and I also recall some cringing (sorry)
No apology necessary. When I look back at myself this time last year, I want to crawl in a hole.

Emotionalhell posted 8/31/2019 07:12 AM

Thanks for starting this post. I have been following. I hope others come along and post.

J707 posted 8/31/2019 12:04 PM

BS here. I found SI 3 months post separation and about 5 weeks post Dday. I was so lost and trying to find everything and anything that was infinitely related. I didn't utilize SI at first when I first joined. Not sure why. I guess I was trying to figure things out on my own like I always have. Once I started to engage and open up, SI was a life saver. I wouldn't be where I am in my healing without y'all, so I thank each and everyone of you!!

S0leil posted 9/2/2019 10:53 AM

SI is one of several marriage and infidelity resources I have been reading silently for over a year. I have told BS about this site and others but he is not interested in joining. I only joined yesterday because I didnít want to join without getting his okay because being online is how the AP made contact with me to reinsert himself into my life. So my BS has requested that I keep online communication with others to a minimum. He okayed me joining here as long as I donít PM with the opposite sex. I am also not to PM with anyone of any sex if their PMs are less than platonic.

I still have a long way to go with regard to ďgetting thereĒ as a wayward, though. Iím not cheating nor will I ever cheat again, but the absence of an affair is not nearly enough to help heal my BHís pain from everything that happened.

Now that I can post and not just lurk, Iím eager to learn whatever I can that will help him and help us. So Iím trying to be active and involved as much as I can be.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 9/2/2019 12:38 PM

I was directed to this site by my BW. Totally not surprised because i hold everything in fear regardless of whether it's good or bad. This site has changed my life in so many ways. Sometimes I find myself crying from all the words shared in your stories that jump into my heart and soul. The pain, the joy, the obstacles we have all overcome because of this amazing platform that has helped saved lives, marriages, relationships, giving us hope for change and a way to a new life. A better one. I was mortified in the beginning to post about my deepest and darkest fears and moments, but with time and effort and the discovery of so many things about myself, i find myself looking forward to being on here more and more each day. I appreciate all of you and the amazing insight given. Good topic!

brokensavage posted 9/2/2019 15:30 PM

I got this website from that book, How to Help Your Spouse Health From Your Affair. It was singularly the most useless book I have read in relation to my relationship and cheating, but this website makes it worth buying.

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