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Avoiding Relapse

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VioletElle posted 8/8/2019 21:01 PM

Sorry for posting and not responding. I got scared of the backlash right after posting and couldn't read it. I'm not going to be defensive. I get it.

jinkazama posted 8/9/2019 09:38 AM

You do not have to be scared

Because we are just faceless people.

And we cant hurt you

This is an anonymous forum

VioletElle posted 8/9/2019 09:48 AM

It's also an echo chamber for all the worst things I'm already thinking about myself.

jinkazama posted 8/9/2019 10:01 AM

Then change yourself

I never posted on your threads because you were so stubborn

Making excuses about your affair.
Refusing to believe that your affair destroyed your husbans self esteem.

So i just kept my mouth shut.

But i knew that you will post about this thing.

Because

It happens all the time .
I have been following these forums for 2 years.
Go read some waywards threads .

Sanibelredfish posted 8/9/2019 10:38 AM

VioletElle, the fact that many individuals have independently told you the same things youíve been thinking should tell you that maybe your thoughts about yourself are correct. I get that those thoughts may not make you feel good about yourself, but thatís not really the point. You are the only one who can change your behavior, so you are also the only person who can change how you feel about yourself. You can continue lying to yourself and others to feel good about yourself, or you can face reality, make changes, and legitimately feel good about yourself because you are being a decent, authentic person. Itís your choice alone.

Zugzwang posted 8/9/2019 12:57 PM

^^^Agree. Having pure disgust for yourself is a good thing. It just might be the catalyst to make some real changes. Hiding has gotten you here and hiding will keep you there.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 8/9/2019 13:46 PM

Bottom line is simple. You are not happy with you. That's why the AP is attractive to you. That's why you need to view yourself through someone else. When you hear bad things you feel you are bad and when you hear good things you feel that you are good.

This is essentially the problem. You aren't a bad person or a good person. You are a person with all of the components everyone else has. We each have the capacity to behave well and to not behave well. You are choosing to behave in a certain way and you need to look at your motivations.

If you don't like the way you feel, look inside rather than outside and find out why. Find out what you need to change in you to feel good. External validations are fleeting and not substantive at the end of the day because they are not predictable. You know who is predictable? You if you want it.

If it doesn't feel good knowing you are getting negative responses to your behaviors don't do the behaviors. The folks on this forum care enough to stop and speak to you because you are a valuable human who is clearly asking for help. Seek out the good and go after it.

It is hard to hear the truth. But it will get easier the moment you acknowledge it (sounds like you are on your way) and decide to change it.

VioletElle posted 8/9/2019 14:48 PM

You are not happy with you.


No, I'm really not.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 8/9/2019 15:59 PM

Have you told your husband yet?

Have you told the AP no?

VioletElle posted 8/9/2019 16:05 PM

I told him I couldn't, but haven't told my husband.

nightmare01 posted 8/9/2019 16:10 PM

So, your OM is a priority, but your husband isn't?

sickofsurviving posted 8/9/2019 18:37 PM

Words matter. Did you say NO? Or did you say you couldn't. Because "I cant", to me, sounds like you're leaving the door open.

Iamtrash posted 8/9/2019 23:15 PM

No, no, no, and more no.
I am a week into this. Seeing what Iíve done to my spouse, how Iíve destroyed his life and everything he trusted about me, itís the worst thing Iíve ever witnessed. Seeing his pain and knowing I caused it, thereís no fixing that. Ever. I can never make this better for him. I can work at changing and proving myself to him, but he will never be the same man. Thatís my fault and I have to live with that the rest of my life.
I couldnít imagine doing this twice. He and I have survived a shit ton of bad stuff and none of it even compares to this. I wouldnít wish this pain on my worst enemy.
Please, divorce him or block your AP and never return.Have respect for him and donít put him through this again. I wish I would have either divorced or committed to fixing my marriage. There never should have been a 3rd option.

Zugzwang posted 8/10/2019 20:08 PM

I couldn't
Sounds like you want to but your husband will not let you.

VioletElle posted 8/10/2019 20:43 PM

I didn't mean it that way. I said no, and for him to not ask again.

I'm not trying to make excuses here but not going to get into semantics either.

I don't feel good at all. I don't know why I started talking to him again and I disgust myself. We had made plans to meet and I couldn't go through with it. So yeah, I failed again.

HellFire posted 8/10/2019 20:58 PM

It would be pretty hard for him to ask you for sex again, if you were no longer in contact with him.

Did you tell him not to contact you anymore?

You're disgusted with yourself? Then what are you going to do now? What steps can you take, to be able to feel,and be, a decent human being again?

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:59 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

VioletElle posted 8/10/2019 21:28 PM

Yes, I told him that we were over for good and that I didn't want to speak to him again.

I don't know where to go from here.

VioletElle posted 8/10/2019 21:28 PM

Yes, I told him that we were over for good and that I didn't want to speak to him again.

I don't know where to go from here.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 8/10/2019 21:38 PM

I don't know where to go from here.

I think the first place to go is to your husband and be honest about what has been happening. He deserves to know.

The second thing is IC, then commit to doing the work to get yourself healthy. You need to figure out why you keep looking outside of yourself and your marriage to feel good.

BraveSirRobin posted 8/10/2019 21:39 PM

I don't feel good at all. I don't know why I started talking to him again and I disgust myself. We had made plans to meet and I couldn't go through with it. So yeah, I failed again.
It's the dopamine rush. You chose this affair because you wanted to feel young, carefree and wild. When it all came crashing down, you ended up even lower than you started, so you're craving another hit.

I never contemplated cheating with OM again after I disclosed my affair, but I also outright refused to go NC. In my selfish, wayward mind, I saw no reason why we couldn't stay friends if we didn't recross the sexual/romantic line. I can't believe I was that insensitive, but I was. I told myself it was concern for OM, but honestly, he had done enough unsavory shit to more than justify me walking away without a backward glance. I didn't admit, even to myself, that I wasn't willing to give up the ego kibble of knowing he was pining for me. He was a source of feelings, just as I was to him.

Your AP wants more sex. Of course he does. You are feeling low and want to go back to the moments where you felt desired and powerful. You managed to compartmentalize your BH once, and your wayward brain is up to its familiar tricks, convincing you that you can do it again. So many of us, fellow waywards, have been there.

Remind me where OBS is in this picture? Because if she exists, the best way to get yourself out of this new hole is to inform your BH of your weakness and have him tell OBS about OM's participation in it. Be brutally honest and show him that your desire to change isn't just words. Burn that shit down before you have a chance to cave again.

Might your BH leave when you tell him? I can't lie. He might. But you can't keep lying, either. If you do, you'll end up back in the sack with OM, and that cannot happen.

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