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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

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Somber posted 10/21/2019 19:32 PM

Crazyblindsided,
Yes the lovebombing which always has an end goal of sex or rugsweeping. There definitely seems to be a cycle to it but other times I doubt my accusations of his narcissistic traits until the ugly part repeats itself.

Thank you Hehadadoubllelife,

He tried so hard, but only to get what he wanted. "See! I've been hugging you more, like you asked!" Immediately followed by, "So why won't you have sex with me?"

Yes yes yes!! Every kind gesture had expectations! Every single one. He finally convinced me to lay beside him on the couch which I have refused for a very long time!! He claimed he wouldnít even touch me, it was just to cuddle...due to his persistence and never taking no for an answer, I just did it. Within minutes he is rubbing me all over the place....I got up and left to get the kids only to then find out he texted his old affair partner just days ago...
The nerve of these guys!!! Wtf!!! How is it even possible after everything we have been through, our marriage essentially over can he carry on messing with my head and heart.
I relate to every word you said! I also wish someone could hug me simply out of love and care, not as an opportunity to molest my ass and make it into a sex opportunity. You mentioned your husband buying you things, mine does that too but itís mostly skin tight yoga pants. Then he wonders why I donít wear them, I told him once that I wasnít interested in being his sex toy for the day...if I wear them he would grope me all day long...then get mad at me if I didnít want to have sex. Or make me feel like I should be happy he is so attracted to me.
I feel objectified all the time, like my only worth is to please him and take care of our children .

Iím cynical too!! How can we not be. I donít trust his kind gestures anymore but sometimes they distract me enough and I get stuck on hoping for real change.


20yrsagoBS posted 10/21/2019 19:41 PM

I was molested at a young age.

I think I chose partners who made me feel they appreciated me sexually.

I overlooked that they were assholes because I have shorty self esteem

HeHadADoubleLife posted 10/21/2019 23:32 PM

He claimed he wouldnít even touch me, it was just to cuddle
Within minutes he is rubbing me all over the place
FUCK. THIS. SHIT!

This makes me so angry I want to punch something! Somber, I will gladly slap him upside the head for this for you. "Let's just cuddle" aka I'm going to trick you into having sex with me by placating you with approximately 35 seconds of cuddling followed by incessant groping.

I mean hell, in a sick, twisted way I'm happy there is someone else out there who understands this. I so often felt like I was going insane, so it's nice to know that other people have experienced it too. But damn wouldn't it be nice if we all could bond over some cool new music we like, or our favorite ice cream or something??

Mine also had a thing for yoga pants. Though honestly, it didn't really matter what I wore. 20yearsago, I am so sorry you were molested, that is terrible. I was not, thank the universe. But it's interesting what you said about choosing partners who you felt like appreciated you sexually. When XH and I were first dating, one of the things that made me think "oh he's a keeper!" is that he absolutely loved when I wore rompers and old school 70s Halston-esque jumpsuits. In terms of personal style, those are my favorites, and I had previously only dated guys who wanted me to dress like Slutty Barbie in mini skirts and/or body con dresses.

I remember thinking - wow, he likes me the way I really am, this must be the real deal. All because he couldn't keep his hands off me when I was wearing clothes I actually liked. He basically bypassed creep status in my mind, because I thought to myself, oh well at least he likes me for me, when it turned out he just wanted my body, and at that point it didn't matter what the hell was covering it. I mistook it for that honeymoon phase of a new relationship... If only I had known that the "can't keep our hands off of each other" phase would NEVER end.

Or make me feel like I should be happy he is so attracted to me.
Ok, I know we all talk about the Cheater Handbook, but this is straight out of the special Sex Addicts Edition! Mine said the EXACT same thing. Whenever I didn't want to have sex. Also when he wouldn't stop masturbating with my underwear - apparently that was all my fault because I'm just so hot that I "awakened his sexuality"

I remember one night, I had gone to bed several hours before him, as was our norm. Apparently meth keeps you up all night, who knew? Anyway, I need a solid amount of sleep in order to be able to function for work, and I HATE being woken up, and he knew that. I honestly can't even remember what precipitated this - he obviously must have bugged me a few nights in a row, or maybe he had even tried something earlier that night. But when he opened the door to our room at around 3am to come to bed, I lost it. I remember hissing at him through clenched teeth, "I swear to fucking god if you try to touch me I will hurt you!" I felt like a cornered animal lashing out at that damn persistent person who just wouldn't stop petting me even though I had given all the warning signs to leave me the hell alone.

I look back now and think, Why in the hell did I not just leave then? That heightened response, I can still feel that in my gut even just typing that story out. And it makes me wonder, how in the hell did I live with that feeling for so long?

Then I remember that the saddest part about all of this for me personally, is that although I speak in absolutes now because it's easier to just flip the switch to Fuck.That.Guy thoughts than to entertain any kind of nuance, I KNOW that not every single hug, kiss or other nice gesture wasn't without meaning. I have distinct memories of the times where I just knew it was exactly what I needed it to be - unadulterated and pure. There are times when we laid in bed together, completely entwined, and I felt the safest and happiest I had ever been. Times when he looked in my eyes and I knew we were connected. I know those were real. I feel that in my soul.

But those moments were just so few and far between. And after the innumerable fuck ups and the lies that accompanied them, it became too hard to trust the thoughts behind the actions. So I was basically hanging on waiting around for those little glimmers of a healthy, emotional being buried deep down under all of his dysfunction.

Alanis pretty much says everything I want to say:

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
'Til you died, but you're still alive

And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

It has been really hard for me to listen to music since DDay. It was something he and I shared. From the very beginning of our relationship we would send each other songs to listen to. It felt like this deep emotional connection we shared. Our wedding was super DIY, on a beach, so we played music from speakers . I surprised him with the playlist - I had dug through thousands of texts and included every song we had ever sent each other. It ran the gamut - every genre, every time period, sad songs, happy songs, angry songs, all of it. So now there is practically nothing that fits in the non-trigger category.

Immediately after DDay, my Dad tried to cheer me up by putting on The Beatles Here Comes The Sun, a song he and I used to sing when I was a kid, and I burst out into tears and made him turn off the radio. Ever since then re: entertainment I have been on a strict podcast only diet, because music can send me spiraling quicker than anything else. I've only recently been able to even start listening to music again. I've had to test the waters, and I seem to have had success with being able to listen to artists/bands I was into in high school. Maybe because high school memories are so strong they help drown out any memories I would have associated with him.

Alanis is an easy one. He and I would have never sent anything that angsty and feminine to each other. And Lizzo has been a godsend! Why men great til they gotta be great, am I right?!

But I dug this one up recently, and man it really gets me. I remember loving it when I first heard it, but it speaks to me on an even deeper level now. Please go find it and take a listen.

Sia, Elastic Heart. This one is for you ladies

And another one bites the dust
But why can I not conquer love?
And I might've got to be with one
Why not fight this war without weapons?
And I want it and I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let's be clear, I trust no one

You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
I may snap when I move close
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night
Now let's be clear, I won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I walked through fire to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one

You did not break me (You did not break me, no, no)
I'm still fighting for peace

Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
I may snap when I move close
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart

Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
I may snap when I move close
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart

Well I've got thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard
I may snap when I move close
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart

DevastatedDee posted 10/22/2019 07:14 AM

It's funny, shortly after we got married, I felt like I was a creeper at times because I was the sex-starved one dying to be touched. Touched sexually, non-sexually, any kind of touch. This was before I knew what he was up to, mind you. I felt desperate in the opposite direction. Apparently he'd jerk off watching porn or pay a prostitute for sex and come home and be done with all the touching for the day. He'd turn me down for sex. I'm ashamed to admit that I'd offer just to blow him so that I'd get SOMETHING sexually and he'd often turn that down too. I started to think I was really unattractive. I checked my breath, used extra mouthwash, worried about my body, my face, my hair, my clothes, etc. This man who used to be all over me suddenly seemed to find me repulsive. I'd ask him to please just be honest with me and he'd say "Oh no, it's not you, I'm just tired/depressed/getting older and losing libido". To find out after all that that he was screwing women half my age and less absolutely destroyed me. It killed something inside of me. OF COURSE I wasn't all that attractive to him then. Not if you have 20-year-olds as options. I will likely hate him for that the rest of my days. It was every bit as cruel as if I had been the cheater and I had targeted men with large penises and blew him off for sex because his smaller one just didn't do it for me anymore. That would have been a monstrous thing to do to a man. He did the equivalent thing to me.

And just to share for your amusement, this asshole had been out of the state for almost a year (that was nice) and then came back about a month ago. He called me up for a booty call. Now, I have been quite clear on how very fucking done I am with this man. He should be under NO illusions at this point. Yet, he thought to call me for a booty call?? Their brains are beyond fucked. Number blocked, told him to leave me alone from here on out.

I don't know what kind of love I do or don't believe in at this point. I just know that I'm so much happier not dealing with any of that madness. Alone is not a negative after living in that hell. Alone is heavenly.

Somber posted 10/22/2019 10:27 AM

I mean hell, in a sick, twisted way I'm happy there is someone else out there who understands this. I so often felt like I was going insane, so it's nice to know that other people have experienced it too

I feel the same way hehadadoublelife. There is comfort in knowing we are not alone. In knowing others are suffering or have suffered in ways that we have. In knowing that we avoid sex overtime not because we donít enjoy it but because we donít enjoy feeling objectified and/or sharing our spouses in fantasy or IRL. The similarities make us feel less alone, more validated and cared for then we will ever feel with our spouses.

apparently that was all my fault because I'm just so hot that I "awakened his sexuality"

Yes, I too feel blamed for being attractive then other times with all the infidelities feel so incredibly unattractive. Other times, I choose less attractive outfits to avoid being groped. But your right, it doesnít matter what we wear, I will be pursued regardless even if I make it clear I am not interested. Sounds like you can relate to that for sure. Sex addict cheater handbook similarities!

I have distinct memories of the times where I just knew it was exactly what I needed it to be...
. But those moments were just so few and far between. And after the innumerable fuck ups and the lies that accompanied them, it became too hard to trust the thoughts behind the actions. So I was basically hanging on waiting around for those little glimmers of a healthy, emotional being buried deep down under all of his dysfunction

Yes me too, Iím holding on for those moments too and certainly read too much into them.

DevastatedDee, I can relate a lot to what you explained. I am either extremely desired or discarded and begging for that love or connection. Currently, I would rather be discarded to be honest as I am no longer able to fully give myself to him in a comfortable way.

Now, I have been quite clear on how very fucking done I am with this man. He should be under NO illusions at this point. Yet, he thought to call me for a booty call??

Youíve got be kidding?! OMG, I canít believe it. Good thing you are stronger now and fully able to see through the BS!!

20yrsagoBS,
I am also sorry that happened to you. I also feel that I chose partners based on what I thought was normal or comfortable. I found nice guys boring and those that hurt me I loved. I have witnessed sexual abuse and physical abuse as a child. I sometimes wonder if some memories are more personal than my mind has allowed me to remember...either way, I have learned that a level of abuse in a relationship is normal and thar has allowed me to accept behaviour that is unacceptable. I was in a physically abusive relationship before, chose partners that have cheated on me and married a sex addict....not sure I really know what a relationship is suppose to look like. But I do know the one I am in is unhealthy and has done me more harm than good.

crazyblindsided posted 10/22/2019 16:03 PM

He tried so hard, but only to get what he wanted. "See! I've been hugging you more, like you asked!" Immediately followed by, "So why won't you have sex with me?"

And the answer is, because you didn't hug me because you love me. You hugged me so you could get sex from me.

Then when I started calling him out on that, he got smart and stopped saying the second part out loud. But I knew that sub text was always there.

He would spend tons of time and money buying "this awesome new thing that's supposed to be amazing for you!" when it came to sex toys. Idiot didn't realize it was never about me not enjoying sex with him. It was about me feeling that sex was the only thing he valued me for. And buying new sex toys for me honestly just reinforced that feeling.

If only he could have just hugged or kissed me like he meant it - just as an expression of love, and not a means to an end - things would have been so different.

Every.Single.Word all of this was used against me to fuel his A's because now I was the frigid wife who didn't enjoy having sex with her H. Was a total catch 22

crazyblindsided posted 10/22/2019 16:05 PM

I was molested at a young age.
I think I chose partners who made me feel they appreciated me sexually.

Just discussed this in my last therapy session. Too many parallels it's unbelievable.

(((20yrsagoBS))) I'm so sorry this happened to you too.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:06 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

dontsaylovely posted 10/22/2019 17:00 PM

I'm out. Nothing in me to support everyone here. And I am sorry we are all here.

I'm 5+ years out and just sad that my marriage was all lies. Hasn't been lies for the 5 years since discovery but I guess I just can't get over that. I do sporadically check up on him but never find anything. But think he's white knuckling. Didn't do enough to deal with the core problem.

I would really urge anyone younger or in good health to get out. How does one ever reconcile the person they thought they married to the guy/girl that was capable of a double life. I've read so much, researched so much. End result is I made his life easy and didn't nag. He actually said to CSAT and me that I made it easy. All because I didn't nag. Well that's still not my style and I do refuse to change to accommodate him.

I periodically check on him. Nothing found. Think he does know I'll leave him if he ever reverts back to his stripclub life. In a way I don't even care. He blew my love for him. I still love him but more in a friend sort of way. Not like the overwhelming love I had for him for 20 years of marriage. He could do no wrong.

I don't really have a point here, just very sad today. Hope anyone younger and in good health reads this and moves on to a full, better life.

DevastatedDee posted 10/22/2019 21:55 PM

I get every word of that. I also "made it easy" because I didn't nag or check up on him. Feels like being blamed for trusting the person you were supposed to trust the most. Feels like being called a fool. This marriage police crap doesn't come naturally to you any more than it did me. Being done is going to improve your life.

DashboardMadonna posted 10/23/2019 19:51 PM

Crazyblinded-

I noticed you said you're "tapping out", as am I too. I mediate with a paralegal on Friday.

The "parallels" are exactly what I confronted him with....the entire sickness. All the vast amounts of women, young girls and his family members are just as broken as he is, including myself.

It's exactly why they seek out prostitues. Broken people to better serve what he believes "he needs". The world is a stage, and we are all his pawns.

Many times I've seen women (allegedly narc victims) make the comment that they didnt see their husband soliciting prostitutes because she believes her husband believes he is above them. It got me thinking "Well, that exactly why they solicit them". It circles in with the madonna whore complex. It's about objectification...again "power, money and control"... put a quarter in, and spew. Manipulative men will have you believing anything and everything, to obscure your reality.

Labels aside, narcs are typically sex addicts, regardless of what we, as wives know about their double life or have some piece of paper exclaiming it so. No one with empathy sleeps with hookers. There is a lot of abuse that goes into what they do. This type of abuse comes from a total character flaw. When you look up the cycle of abuse, it mirrors the sex addicts....its appalling.

I've noticed a lot of wives on betrayed boards (and the like) send their husbands off to get some diagnosis for their cheating behaviors. A lesser evil doesnt make it more palpable or treatable.
Most of the diagnosing (or lack there of) seem to come from counselors that are trying to sell a marriage to a vulnerable betrayed spouse. Any reputable councelor should know a label, in lieu of such trauma, isnt the best course of action. My own councelor isnt about labels. At the end of the day, it isnt helpful.

I mean, abuse is still abuse. Does it matter what the hell they call him? Better yet, what does it matter what label we are provided, in the decision in staying or leaving. I believe the majority of us are capable of introspection.
Ive seen some betrayed women attempt to pigeonhole an entire group with LDs, by relating them to lacking empathy...it makes me question an actual diagnosis, because they are clearly uneducated. This is the very reason some refuse treatment.

The reality is that the wives of sex addicts never knew the men they married were capable of such things, either...yet, here we all are. A man whom objectifies women, believes he is above everything, while simultaneously believing he deserves it all. The filth facilitates the belief that he is better. Such a sick cycle.

The facts are out there and most counselors aren't trained to diagnose anything and everything. They are typically trained to assist in coming to your own conclusions.

Regardless of labels, if your spouse can manipulate you, they can certainly manipulate a professional. At the end of the day, you still know your spouse better than a guy in an armchair and narcisstic people typically never get diagnosed. Most never seek it and the ones that do, are usually there out of desperation...essentially, they cheated.

My own husband managed to manipulate two marriage counselors. It is what this type of person does and capable of. A councelor can only go off of based on what they are told. No amount of experience can see behind that mask. As a professional, it cant be a "hunch", to assume some diagnosis. I think some confuse them with a forensic psychologist. Those people eat, breath and sleep abnormal/criminal psych.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 8:26 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Smjsome1 posted 10/24/2019 00:44 AM

Hi all - itís been a while, had the flu, probably have to have a thyroid surgery. Life has been crazy
2 things I wanted someone to hear, because Iím stuck at home sick, have had to miss my IC, and my group for weeks.
1.
The DR said the nodes are so small people donít usually end up in his office this early. But they are growing, and are ďthe type that can be cancerousĒ. he ordered more labs. And is reviewing everything. See I ended up in the hospital due to a reaction to a med last year at this time - it caused my heart to atop, or not, there was debate. I was in the hospital for days and days and during the testing and such of my heart they found my thyroid had ďlumpsĒ.

Why am I telling you this? Because my dr said ďitís pure dumb luck that this was caught this early, normally itís much worse before they are foundĒ. After he walked away I said to my SA spouse. ďHuh, cause you are an SA - I have PTSD, took a med that caused reaction sent me to the hospital but in the end - May save my lifeĒ
I said - I guess you could say SA is a good thing, if you want?Ē He said nope - being an SA is never a good thing! That surprised me -
2. Our son is having a very very hard time with life, feels defeated and sad. Because Iíve been sick, he has been picking up my phone while I am asleep. So my SA has been talking to our son ALOT. Our son reached crisis point the other day. And SA spent an hour on the phone with him. Afterwards I found him just crying silently. I said are you okay?
He said ďour son is in so much pain. I feel it right here, hand on his chest. I feel his pain and I want to go get him and just hold him because I feel so useless, I canít figure out what to tell him! Whatís wrong with me!?Ē
I said ďoh yes! The empathy pain. Yes, I have that alll the time with people, our kids, you, itís normal, Iím so glad you are sharing with me instead of stuffing it downĒ
(See Iíve stupidly thought all these years he felt empathy)
He said - ďIíve never hurt like this for anyone. Iíve thought to myself, they are hurting and I feel bad, but no - I didnít really, this is real pain and sadnessĒ
We talked about it, our son, my SA kept saying, how do you help them! Our kids?
I said - you have to let them experience what they are going thru, validate it. All you can really do is make sure they know
You are there for them and they are loved and important. That you listen to them.

After a while he said - how do you deal with the pain you feel for them? I said - I feel it and just deal.

He said - it hurts. I said - okay, you can chose two things, reject it, go get an SA high, or you know that while this pain hurts, sharing others pain, the other part of that is also being able to share their joy.

After we talked I told him, can I tell you something? When I found out about your affairs - the thing that hurt me the most was that I could never have had an A because I could empathize with the pain it would cause you - I could physically feel it. So I would say - how could you do something that you knew would hurt me so much, this is what I meant, how could you know how Much it would hurt me - and still do it?

He was so shocked.

Tonight before bed (of course heís sleeping, Iím awake) he said to me, I have been thinking all day about what you said last night, and my mind is still blown. Empathy is real, and I feel so bad for how much Iíve hurt you. Just wanted to tell you that.

Smjsome1 posted 10/24/2019 00:45 AM

Oh wait
And third - his IC is asking if heíd like to try EMDR with a EMDR person who specializes in SAs

Has anyoneís SA tried EMDR? Have any info?

Iím doing EMDR with a betrayal trauma specialist and itís going well

ashestophoenix posted 10/24/2019 08:24 AM

Smjsome, my SAH has a current IC who uses EMDR. It has been very helpful. He's much easier to live with since he starting working with this therapist. She uses other approaches as well and I am seeing real improvement in him.

It sounds like your husband is finally growing up enough to start being mature enough to handle his emotions and be less self-centered, that is progress. I see that in my husband as well. It's just very slow.

Last year I also discovered I had nodules on my thyroid that are growing fast. It was pure luck that they were found on a CT scan when I went to the ER with a drug reaction. Maybe we are living in a parallel universe. In this same time period my pap smear came back abnormal with the HPV infection. It is yet another reminder to me of how much trauma we have/are experiencing. I continue to focus on my therapy and self care.

ashestophoenix

Somber posted 10/24/2019 12:57 PM

Dontsaylovely,

I would really urge anyone younger or in good health to get out

You do have a point and this may be it. I think of leaving weekly for sure! I just donít know how to do it financially or emotionally. I donít know how to choose to separate myself from my kids half the time. I donít feel that love like before, not for a long time. Repetitive betrayals has a way of eradicating love! I certainly donít trust him, it sounds like you still donít trust your WH either by checking up on him. I do the same but much more infrequently and no longer find anything. I was in full detective mode when I found out everything and it was exhausting. I donít want to feel the need to check up on my spouse and think I will always feel the need too. How do you rebuild trust??
I know some of you have rebuilt trust and have shared how that works. Your WHís are putting in a lot of self work, counselling, SA meetings and practicing empathy. Just as both smjsome and ashes just shared! I am so very happy for those of you that can make it work, process it all and heal but that is very dependent on your WH efforts.
Mine just isnít doing those things! It hurts! I wanted to be worth it all these years. I donít think I ever will be, I donít think he really wants to change. He just took me to lunch and asked what I felt about him having a drink just at supper and during special events? He doesnít really want to be completely sober but trying to convince me that he can have the odd drink. How am I suppose to then trust his sobriety with SA? That was more invisible...it took a lot of work, spying, searching, downloading apps to retrieve texts to find out what I know. I donít want to go back to those behaviours...I donít know how to ever feel safe!

DashboardMadonna posted 10/24/2019 14:58 PM

Somber,
I know what you mean. It just isnt worth it anymore. He shuts himself in his mancave... no remorse and it makes me that much more suspicious. I dont want to live like this any longer. I would rather live a life in poverty, whilst attempting to aquire some trait. My son is grown and I haven't anywhere to turn...no family to rely on.

Thankfully, my state allows in home seperation and alimony payments, while doing so. I am trying to aquire a payment history, so I can take out a mortgage on a crap shack.

I would suggest speaking with a lawyer or paralegal, to explore your options. This type of suffering will drive one to suicide, you need to know your options...its worth the peace of mind, knowing you can leave.

Somber posted 10/24/2019 19:34 PM

I dont want to live like this any longer

Me either Dashboardmadonna.
Itís such a struggle, especially when there is not great effort on their part. My WH is not keeping to himself, instead really trying to push physical contact and then other times we just have so much tension we are walking on egg shells. He denies texting his old affair partner (of course) she claims he did to say Ďhey.í He acts as if she is the crazy one and he did nothing wrong and is committed to us, blah blah blah. I also peaked at his cell and saw a flirty text to our neighbour...he thinks nothing of it, just joking, etc. So inappropriate in my eyes. Then wonders why Iím Ďoffí or not myself...well I donít think I will ever trust you you cheating lying manipulative self serving a-hole. Makes sense to me why I distance myself.
I feel like even small slip ups feel massive now - anyone else feel like this???
So he clearly isnít sober in a SA way either, do I start searching for things again? Or do I really need to bother anymore? What I feel is disrespected especially after all we have gone through. So why am I still in this marriage? What is wrong with me? Such a codependent fool!!!

In-house separation would be so difficult, stay strong. You are not alone, you have us. Try to find some IRL support as well.
I spoke to a lawyer in the spring but Iím not sure I was in the right frame of mind to fully take in all the info.

[This message edited by Somber at 7:43 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

Smjsome1 posted 10/25/2019 00:18 AM

Ashes - thatís so true- if they mature itís sooo slow. But, at least it does happen- I fear that it just stops though.
One of my RL SA spouse friends too has a thyroid issue, had hers taken completely out. Another is actually in hospice care for cancer.
This life is scary for so many reasons!

And thank you for that about the EMDR, I can tell my SA is nervous about it, but I think it will be a good thing to try!

DevastatedDee posted 10/25/2019 13:55 PM

I am trying to aquire a payment history, so I can take out a mortgage on a crap shack.

Hey, don't hate on the crap shacks. You'd be amazed at how much you can love a house just for being yours. I downgraded in house when I left XWh and bought my own. I have a little 1100 square foot oasis with about 20 things that need fixing at the moment and that little place has my heart. It's nothing special to look at, but it's 100% mine. It's my freedom. When you buy your own little crap shack, you'll probably love it just as much and for the same reasons.

Somber posted 10/25/2019 18:49 PM

Ahhhhh okay so I am embarrassed to say we caught our 8 year old son searching up boobies. You can imagine the images. I was so shocked and bothered by this as was my WH. My WH and I talked and I was super upset because I told him itís our fault for being so distracted all the time with our broken marriage that we arenít giving our children 100%. Which isnít completely true and our kids have limited iPad exposure in the family room of the house only. We often peak at what games they are playing, etc. Needless to say we monitor our children and had this slip up...canít imagine if we didnít monitor them. Anyhow thatís not the point of my venting....
I then tell my spouse that I am just so hurt because I donít want my son to grow up objectifying women and I said ďI donít want him to turn out like you.Ē
Well this is all it took for a downward spiral, my spouse is giving my dirty looks, rude comments and saying ĎI canít believe you would say that.í
Am I wrong here? Of course I donít want my son to be a SA, normalize porn or objectify women!!! He shouldnít want that for him either!!! Now he is being a jerk making me feel bad for saying that comment. That is what this has become, no longer is it about our son. It is all a out him again and how can I hurt his ego saying such a thing.
It always becomes about him. I understand that would be hurtful to hear but itís the damn truth. Then we began talking about the affairs and how he objectifies women. Again denies texting his old affair partner, denies flirty text to neighbour and again refuses to talk in any detail about any affair!!
I give up on him, I just donít see it working and much rather spend the time and energy on teaching my son how to respect women.

secondtime posted 10/25/2019 23:21 PM

Somber-
I'm sorry.

DH and I have a son (15), too, so I understand all the concerns.

Have you had the sex discussions yet? Now would be a good time. And you can start with basics of consent...and that can even be discussed in a platonic way. (If Aunt Sally wants to give you all the bear hugs and you aren't feeling it..Son, you can say no thank you Aunt Sally.)

DS got his first cell phone at 10 or 11, so then..we were discussing the ramifications of sexting/sending and possessing compromising pictures of classmates. We adjusted our explanation based on age, so at 10, inappropriate was enough. It was easier for DS to start thinking these things while girls were still gross. Of course, now the message at 15 is "It's my job to keep you out of jail and to make sure your life isn't ruined because you are a registered sex offender."

Natural curiosity doesn't equate objectification. There's many steps in between.

My son doesn't know about DH's addiction. He does know something is up with DH. My son does know that addiction is in his lineage...just like we would discuss family members that have cancer. We warn him he must be careful with any potentially addictive thing-whether its substances or processes.

I find that I have to work hard to separate my son from my husband. Just because my husband is an SA, doesn't mean my son will be. If my son's choices trigger me..that doesn't mean he's going to be an addict. In my son's case, his choice to not do anything to improve himself is a huge trigger for me.

My husband's greatest fear is that I'll never see him for anything other than an active addict. When I make statements that confirm my husband is right...(Statements like, "I don't want the kids to turn out like you" fit in bill, as well as others)..all we do is push buttons and escalate the situation...which really is bad news. Leads to a ton of yelling and crying kids.

I'm getting better at recognizing where we will end up if I don't change something up. Walks and drives work out well for me, in terms of being able to de-escalate the situation. We still won't have solved the problem or addressed feelings, etc..but at least we've stopped digging the hole, KWIM?

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