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Advice on NB

HalfTime2017 posted 7/15/2019 18:45 PM

So my NB started at the time of my D being finalized. My DDay is roughly 2.5yrs ago.

I met a great Gal. She by all means is a great person, and we've been dating for 7 months. She's never met my kids, and I told her that if we get to the yr mark, than I'd make plans to start slowing introducing her at that point b/c I don't want to have a merry go round of women around my kids, confusing and potentially hurting them.

Our relationship has been going pretty well. Shes met some of my family members, and I've met hers. We've done 2 trips together and we get along well. We share a lot of common interest and when we hang out, we have a good time.

So brings me to my question. The other day, she asked me if I see this going long term, and how I feel about her. She says she loves me. I like her a lot. I told her that I do see us together for the long haul, but b/c of my past, which she is fully aware of, that my wall is slower to come down. That I don't want to get hurt again, and that she be patient with me. So it ended with her saying she loves me, and I just said I like her a lot.

Thoughts?

Chili posted 7/15/2019 20:13 PM

If your question is asking for thoughts about how you handled that discussion, then I think you did just fine. Being honest (asking for patience - telling her how you do feel) - I think that is the most important piece of this. You might be on different planes right now, but it doesn't sound as if not saying the same words is particularly a deal breaker?

Navigating this stuff is difficult, but my philosophy is always to get it all out there on the table and toss it around so each of you can know where you stand. Hopefully you'll slowly be building a future together if that's what you want, but if not - nothing says you can't enjoy each others' company for now and take it as it goes.

Cheatee posted 7/16/2019 07:08 AM

Sounds like you're being careful, respectful and honest. That's all good.

I didn't see whether or not she has kids. If not, she may have a hard time at first understanding your priorities. If she's a good'n, she'll get that over time.

EvenKeel posted 7/16/2019 07:20 AM

I think her question was very legit and timely. Seven months seems like a good wait of testing the waters and getting to know each other. Usually around six months, people's 'best behavior' starts to fade and you get to see all the flaws. Which is what you want....to see the real person.

I spent years in my NB never being able to get past the "I really like-like you" stage. To the point, I was wondering if I could ever be capable of love again due to my own defense mechanisms.
(I was).

The guy was really great about it (as is your Gal). He told me to take my time and he understood.

Your Gal sounds pretty respective of your timelines and doesn't sound like this was a "applying pressure" conversation but more of a "checking in to make sure we are on the same page" discussion.

Sounds like a great NB to me.

WhoTheBleep posted 7/16/2019 07:24 AM

Agree with all of the above. You are being cautious and, more importantly, honest.

I see myself handling my NB exactly the same way. Although I don't know if I'll ever be able to say "I love you" to a man ever again. I can show him with actions, but the thought of the actual words feels like a golf ball in my throat. I'm not sure if that will ever go away.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/16/2019 17:00 PM

Thank you everyone. She really is a good person, and she has been patient with me. I would like to continue with this relationship and see how it can progresses.

I feel like I found a really good one, but I'm still very guarded coming out of this mess. She has me on her social media, her phone screen, and everyone on her end knows about me. On the other hand, I don't have her on social media, b/c I dont really go on there and havent posted anything in over 1.5 yrs b/c I dont use it anymore. My phone screen is of the kids, and not her b/c I don't want the kids to see and ask questions. For her, I can understand that she's probably wondering what is going on, and wants reassurances that I'm just not wasting her time.So I'll do what I can to continue to openly speak to her about how I feel, and where I see things going.

I'm fortune, and I really feel that way that I was able to find someone this great this soon. I'm NC with the exWW, save for the kids. My career is great. My family has continued to be behind me. Most of our family friends have sided with me, and have distanced themselves from the WW. Kids made a comment about how Mommy doesnt have that many friends, and I'm just not that surprised. She even had a huge blowup with her own mother.

And I'm extremely grateful for the continued help and guidance from the folks on here.

Braveyogi posted 8/5/2019 09:42 AM

hi HalfTime, as others have said, really nice job being open and honest. two thoughts for you -

rebuilding trust after infidelity takes time. I heard a great definition of how to do this: look for believable behaviors over time. To what extent do her actions and her words match up over time? Look for consistencies and inconsistencies. You'll have to build a "bank account" of trustworthy "deposits" she makes in order to convince your fearful/traumatized brain that she is worthy of your wholehearted trust and love.

also, don't underestimate the trauma that has been done to you by your exWW and seems to be impacting the development of trust in this current relationship. Have you been in IC to address this? It might be helpful for you to talk about this with a professional to help you sort through the residue of your past relationship so you don't get stuck/inhibit growth and development of trust in this new relationship. sending good thoughts your way.

Tigersrule77 posted 8/5/2019 10:36 AM

Relationships develop at different speeds. She should respect that.

I have to say, good for you on the response to "I love you". It is easy to feel pressured into responding in kind. As long as your relationship is respectful on both sides, she should be ok with being a little ahead of you. you said you can see yourself making it there, just not ready yet. that should be ok.

Alonelyagain posted 8/6/2019 11:56 AM

HT, I think youíre doing fine. I have a question which is more for my benefit though. I notice that youíve introduced your GF to some of your family members, but not to your kids. My divorce was finalized in December, and I have been dating, including an XGF for about 5 months. I havenít expressly told my kids that Iím dating, much less introduced my kids to anyone Iím dating. But once Iím ready to do so, I envision introducing her to my kids before any other family members. Is that improper for some reason that Iím not aware of?

WhoTheBleep posted 8/6/2019 12:19 PM

Alonelyagain, what are the ages of your kids? I've met my SO's family (adult children) and he's met my parents. We might even vacation with my sister and bro in law in the fall. He hasn't met my kids, and won't for some time. My kids are young, the youngest is 4. If SO and I don't work out, the adults in our family won't be affected at all. Young children, on the other hand, could be devastated after already having been through so much with the divorce. Plus, if you end up dating multiple women (when the last one, and the one before that, didn't work out), do you want a revolving door of new faces to confuse your kids?

IMO, unless your kids are adults and on their own, care and time should be taken introducing them to any love interest, until you KNOW this is a very long term situation. That takes time.

My oldest, 10, did find out I'm dating after an elderly aunt "slipped" in front of her. DD later asked me about it and I was honest. I told her, yes I am dating, but it's not serious. I told her that if it ever got serious, I would introduce him to her and her siblings. That he is very nice, and that's all she needs to know right now. She smiled and seemed satisfied. She hasn't mentioned it since.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:20 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

thishurts123 posted 8/6/2019 15:45 PM

While I am not dating yet, I am so impressed by the answers on this thread. The respect shown towards your NB and families/children is a breath of fresh air. My XWH is with yet another new woman and has told our kids after dating her three weeks that it's serious and "she'll be around a while". WTF???? I get being happy and in the "honeymoon" stage but really? They are "deeply in love" and since he's already introduced her to extended family, he felt the need to share this info with our kids. They are PISSED! They all responded that they had no intention of meeting her and now he's mad. What did he expect?

Good for all of you. I wish you happiness in your new relationships - seems like you're on a good track!

annanew posted 8/6/2019 17:15 PM

I envision introducing her to my kids before any other family members. Is that improper for some reason that Iím not aware of?

It's not improper, but for many people it doesn't turn out that way. That's because there's not much risk in introducing a new love interest to adult family members - the impact of a breakup on them is close to zero. But there's lots of risk in introducing them to the kids - the impact of a breakup can be high and there may be lots of adjustment required. You want to be really sure that there's a there there. That's the reason why someone might end up introducing the person to others first, and kids last.

Alonelyagain posted 8/6/2019 20:00 PM

WTB, I have 3 kids: DS16, DD14 & DD10. I think that DD10 is mostly likely to get attached to any GF that I ultimately introduce her to. Iíve been reluctant to introduce my kids to any GF so relatively close to the finalization of my divorce because I donít want my kids to mistakenly believe that I was the WS, when it was WW.

Thanks for the responses.

Okokok posted 8/12/2019 11:59 AM

Just a quick note to add that I think there is a whole spectrum of indicating your feelings for a person, all the way from "I like ya, pal" to "I love you!"

If/when you get to a point where you're feeling a little more than "like" but you're not sure about "love," it's absolutely ok to find your space on that spectrum and verbalize it. What's wrong with saying, in an intimate moment, "I think I might be falling in love with you" or "Something's happening here...I'm beginning to realize I care about you on a whole other level," etc.?

Just find your words, be honest, and do your thing :)

HalfTime2017 posted 8/12/2019 16:18 PM

Alonelyagain, just like others have said, I like this girl so introducing her to my family is fine. I felt that by introducing her slowly to family and friends, that its evolving in the right way. I've never been one to just blast it out there or on social media about a new love interest. others might be different, but that's not my style. I think this accomplishes two things for me, it shows my current GF that I'm serious about her enough to get her introduced to family and friends. It shows that things are moving the in right direction.

As for why family before kids, its b/c my kids are still grade school age. I don't want them getting hurt if my dating doesn't work out, and there is no need for a revolving door of women around my kids. I have 2 daughters, I want to model for them what a good man and father is. My oldest is probably getting old enough now, but still, I'll wait a bit longer. Just today, she told me a story about a friend whose mom remarried after her first husband died. She said she waiting 3 yrs before getting remarried and she said thats great because it gave her time to heal. She told me this all on her own, and I think for me it shows that I'm doing the right thing in her eyes if she sees that Dad waited a bit before he got involved with another person after divorcing mom.

As an update on the NB, its still going great. Just spent the weekend with her and we've been enjoying each others company. She has a picture of me and my kids as the screen saver picture on her iPhone. She hasn't pressured me to meet them, and we've just been getting along great and making plans for vacation for next summer b/c she needs to request it really far in advance due to being a resident. My kids are happy, although a little bummed school is starting again, but right now, life is pretty good. I hope it continues and the exWW continues to leaves me alone.

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