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Do I out the OM to his BS?

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Hurtandbroken987 posted 7/12/2019 09:31 AM

I'm in a situation where I don't know if I should just let it go and let the two miserable people be miserable together or if I should out this POS to his BS. I have, unsuccessfully, tried to contact her when this all went down. Several phone numbers, an email address. Can't make contact. But, I know where she lives, her physical address, I also know they have 2 grown daughters and could probably get a hold of them via Facebook to get the OM's BS contact info. The only thing holding me back is retaliation. I don't want my kids to be in any danger nor do I want to get myself in a bad situation that could incapacitate me. Granted, I know if this POS tried to beat me up or something, I can call the police and have him arrested but I'm on the fence. I know this would really piss of my WW. I know for a fact she's trying to protect him because when I bring it up, she answers me right away "Oh you plan to share your information?" I don't know what path to take here. Anyone have experience in this? WW still hasn't signed the acceptance of divorce papers and is dragging her feet on hiring an attorney.

Marie2792 posted 7/12/2019 09:34 AM

Do not go through the daughters but do try to contact her.

A. She needs to be tested for STDs
B. Knowing helps her make a decision about her marriage albeit one she never knew she had to make.
C. Two sets of eyes on the affair makes it harder to continue.

There are ways to use the internet to get the info you need. I wouldnít send any mail to the address, OM could intercept it. Same with Facebook. Aim for a phone number.

WornDown posted 7/12/2019 09:39 AM

If you have her name and address, send her a certified letter (that SHE has to sign for - not her husband, not her kids - HER) with some of the evidence you have (nothing too graphic, but enough to let her know, you aren't faking it.)

That's the best way to contact them if you can't get a hold of them any other way.

Oh, and don't worry about "retaliation."

The POS will be too busy dealing with the fall out from his BS that he won't do (likely) anything.

And, the general reaction of married OMs who get outed to their spouse? The drop the WW like a hot rock. Reality (loss of family, money, etc) has a way of hitting them hard.

[This message edited by WornDown at 9:42 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

Lalagirl posted 7/12/2019 09:46 AM

You will find that the majority of SI members vote to out the WS to the OBS. It's just the right thing to do (and for the reasons that Marie and WornDown noted). I concur.

edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 9:46 AM, July 12th (Friday)]

SaddestDad posted 7/12/2019 09:49 AM

The only thing holding me back is retaliation. I don't want my kids to be in any danger nor do I want to get myself in a bad situation that could incapacitate me. [quote/]
I had the same fear but I realized that it was an unfounded fear and that it was just an excuse I was using to push off telling.

That said, is there any specific reason that you are fearful of retaliation?
Does the POSOM have a reputation for talking with his fists?

layla1234 posted 7/12/2019 09:51 AM

Always, always, ALWAYS tell the OBS.

Bigheart2018 posted 7/12/2019 10:26 AM

Do it!!!!

HellFire posted 7/12/2019 11:00 AM

This man has come into your house, twice that you know of, and fucked your wife in the marital bed, while you and your children were there.

Of course you tell his wife.

By not doing so, you are doing the OM a favor. You are helping him cheat on his wife. You are complicit in the betrayal. And your wife, and OM are laughing about it.

Candyman66 posted 7/12/2019 11:17 AM

Wouldn't YOU want to know?? I know I would have liked someone to tell me. So my vote goes YES tell him.

Then sit back and watch how fast your WW gets dumped! Your WW goes from being a cheap lay to being THE MOST EXPENSIVE piece of ass ever!!!

Northerngal posted 7/12/2019 11:34 AM

First thing I did was out the COW to her bh. Honestly, I knew they had 4 kids and I felt for them. His response was "Oh I thought that ended last year." I was pissed. Very. But then I found out that he had been her AP when she was married to his brother, so he was a douche married to a complete whore. If he fucked his brothers wife then married her, I wasn't going to be treated with respect. Lets just say I got very colorful in my descriptions of the affair for him. Good listener meant she always had a dick in her mouth, industry mattress, 52 yr old woman who had fucked her way right to the low middle, she treated my wh penis like it was attached to an ATM, that the water had met its level in their marriage, that kind of thing. I thanked my WH profusely for bringing such trash into my life. I was in complete shock.

I have no regrets.

Jimmy1962 posted 7/12/2019 11:41 AM

I would do anything that I legally could to make the POSOM miserable. And his poor wife deserves to know for her own good.

Unhinged posted 7/12/2019 12:11 PM

Unless your WW was having an affair with Tony Soprano, I wouldn't worry too much about retaliation. Cheap Hollywood plots and bad TV shows aren't real life. Most likely, as others pointed out, he'll be too focused on saving his own ass to worry much about yours (or your WW's).

I was quite certain that informing the OBS was going to upset my FWW. To be blunt about it, I didn't give a fuck. I sent the OBS (they live out of state) a four page letter detailing everything I knew and how I knew it all. She emailed me after reading the letter, THANKING ME for letting her know.

The OBS deserves, i believe, to know the truth about her life. I was the only one who could tell her. It was not a secret that I was willing to keep. I WILL NOT BE AN ACCOMPLICE TO INFIDELITY.

Mostly, though, I think it's the right thing to do, no different than pulling a stranger out of the way of an on-coming bus, for instance.

RubixCubed posted 7/12/2019 12:24 PM

I've seen your worry expressed by many BHs on infidelity forums over and over, and after hundreds, maybe a thousand or more, I've yet to see it come to fruition once. I have read of a few BHs who ended up hospitalizing the POSOM. Don't sweat retribution, odds are VERY long on it. As SaadestDad said above it is more an excuse to not do anything than it is a real threat.
DO tell the OBS, somehow, DO NOT tell your wife you are going to or even allude to it vaguely.She will tell OM and he will portray you as a crazy jealous husband to his wife. Tell the OBS, it is the right and moral thing to do, otherwise you are complicit in helping hide their affair.

Chaos posted 7/12/2019 15:09 PM

The biggest mistake I made on DDay1 was not informing OBS.

Donít make the Mistake of Chaos.

Tell.

fareast posted 7/12/2019 15:19 PM

The OBS deserves to know. A certified letter she hast to sign for is the best way.

Hurtandbroken987 posted 7/12/2019 15:56 PM

Ok, so as of right now the only way I can get a hold of the actual OBS is by mail as I have been very unsuccessful in obtaining any social media or phone numbers that work.

This POS has 2 daughters, one is 21 years old and the other is younger. Some people have said "Don't get the kids involved" HOWEVER, he didn't give a shit about MY kids when he snuck his ass into my home 2 nights in a row to sleep with her with my 2 young boys feet away in their own room. The 21 year old has a Facebook. Is it possible I just contact her and ask her for her Mom's contact info? Or just stick with a letter to the OBS?

Edit: Iím also thinking about how batshit crazy my WS is. What happens if I tell the OBS and she throws him out? Then my WS as her normal routine to punish me when she feels slighted, decides to let him stay here?

[This message edited by Hurtandbroken987 at 4:23 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

strugglebus posted 7/12/2019 18:16 PM

This POS has 2 daughters, one is 21 years old and the other is younger. Some people have said "Don't get the kids involved" HOWEVER, he didn't give a shit about MY kids when he snuck his ass into my home 2 nights in a row to sleep with her with my 2 young boys feet away in their own room. The 21 year old has a Facebook. Is it possible I just contact her and ask her for her Mom's contact info? Or just stick with a letter to the OBS?

Because this man was cruel to your children, you think it is okay to be cruel to his, am I reading that correctly? People advocate for leaving the kids out of it because they don't deserve it. If you are fine with hurting innocent parties in order to do something that you can do with existing information, then go forth. But if your wife or this man had taken a second to consider the collateral damage of you and the OBS and the kids before making moves to get what they wanted, you wouldn't need this advice.

Additionally, if some random man contacted me asking for my mom's information I would think he was a creep and would 100% just block him so it's likely not going to work anyway. Certified letter is your best bet

Edit: Iím also thinking about how batshit crazy my WS is. What happens if I tell the OBS and she throws him out? Then my WS as her normal routine to punish me when she feels slighted, decides to let him stay here?

If you want, you could just wait until the divorce processes are in motion.

[This message edited by strugglebus at 6:18 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

Hurtandbroken987 posted 7/12/2019 20:15 PM

No, I donít want to involve kids. At all. I was venting and just making a statement that if they didnít care, why should I? Thatís not who I am.

Waiting until the process starts might be the best bet. I donít know. Iím so damn angry. I have physical hate towards my WS and I know thereís nothing I can do about it.

Freeme posted 7/13/2019 01:37 AM

Telling the OBS is the right thing to do. I have to say that your WW is a "special" kind of evil to have done what she did (sleep over). She shows strong Narc tendencies and since you've lived with her for so long your fear of rocking the boat is understandable.
What is your best guess at what her reaction will be and can you prepare for it? Will it be out of control yelling (call cops), will she run off and leave you with the kids (get nanny on standby), could it physical? Call cops... Have lawyer on standby have VAR going... be prepared. not something to look forward to but it might be what gets her out of the house.

On the other hand you want a smooth divorce and she knows you could always tell the OBS. She might play nice in order to keep you quiet. You will be getting info on OM while you are documenting what's going on with WW. You do need to tell the OBS (not through her kids) but you can wait until the divorce papers are signed and then give her a huge packet of evidence.

Of course WW is probably waiting to sign the papers to see what happens with OM and his wife. I don't know if I've read a case where the OM becomes physical with the BS that told. 90% of the time they throw the WW under the bus and try to fix their own marriage.

I'm more worried about your WW reaction because she does seem a little crazy.

steadychevy posted 7/13/2019 07:39 AM

she answers me right away "Oh you plan to share your information?"

This tells you a lot about your WW. It could be, though, since you've indicated your desire, she's already warned her AP. Perhaps that's why you are unable to contact the OBS. Or it might be some other reason entirely.

You've had many reasons to tell the OBS and I concur. If you're intent on D I wouldn't do to much to jeopardize her work situation or push her because

Then my WS as her normal routine to punish me when she feels slighted
.

Having said that she's already punishing you by not signing that she's received the D papers or hired an attorney.

Has your lawyer indicated any alternative for moving forward without her signature?

When my WW was served it was by a process server who had a declaration notarized that he had served her in person. Proof.

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