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What if WH leaves me?

landclark posted 7/10/2019 08:11 AM

My WH started IC, which is a condition I set down for R, but then I can't help but wonder what if through the process he comes to the realization that he never actually loved me and wants to move on, and my choice is taken away? I don't think that will be the case, but I can't help but think it. I feel like it's completely irrational on so many levels. Just seriously so many levels. lol

I would NEVER stop him from going to IC for this because even if not for me, he truly needs to figure himself out so he can be better man for himself, his kids, and whomever else is in his life. However, it's still one of my weird thoughts.

Anybody else have weird, irrational thoughts like this?

hikingout posted 7/10/2019 08:32 AM

I am not a BS, but I do have some thoughts on that.

I think the breakthrough for my husband came when he realized that he would be fine without me. Not that he wouldn't grieve and hurt, but that life would go on. Having a plan moving forward for his future that didn't include me was liberating to him. This happened after he asked me for a divorce.

I had a similar thought process as the WS. I was devastated that I had ruined our marriage and I didn't want a divorce. But, the whole thing forced me to take a look at all of it and by knowing what I was facing it forced me to face my fears.

When he decided to not divorce me and we together decided to try and work through it, we both did so with a new brain - that while we could be fine eventually without the other, while life would go on, we were choosing to be together and not because we had to be. It really was a different mindspace.

I think the thought you are having is prudent, needed, and I would encourage you to work through a plan for if you do decide to divorce. Some people here get post-nups even. Many have moved some money over to their own account for safe keeping should they need to get out. Plan for it. I think you will find yourself empowered by having that back up plan and you will act from a place of confidence rather than fear.

layla1234 posted 7/10/2019 08:45 AM

Are YOU in IC?? You need to start looking at this the other way. He should be worried about you leaving him. You are the faithful, loyal, loving wife. I would be completely fine today if my husband decided to leave. I know that I deserve better than how I have been treated. He is working on being a better husband, but I know that can take years to really see a difference and I'm willing to stick it out for my children.

Chaos posted 7/10/2019 08:52 AM

That is a risk for sure. And a concern [not a great of one but I'd be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind]. That he realizes he's not cut out for marriage/family/commitment/responsibility.

What you do? You process, grieve, mourn, and get on with your fabulous self.

Because that will also be on him. And he has to live with his f*cked up self.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 7/10/2019 09:02 AM

what if...he comes to the realization that he never actually loved me and wants to move on, and my choice is taken away?

Gently...would you choose to be with someone who doesn’t love you? If not...maybe you could change your mindset to being...”if he comes to the realization that he never actually loved me...then I can move on to meet someone who will”? Would that help you to alleviate this fear?

I was blindsided on DDay...and being a SAHW...my fear was that I would be without financial support if we separated. I did what hikingout stated...I came up with a plan to insure I could go forward if we separated. I got a checking account and credit card in my name only. I transferred enough money for rent...etc...that I felt I would need to get by until I found a job. I also bought a newer vehicle in my name only. Once I felt comfortable with being able to be on my own in case we separated...I could then work on R knowing that I wasn’t staying because I HAD to...but because I WANTED to .

I had the irrational thought that my H might be telling me he wanted to R in order to give the adultery co-conspirator time to get her passport ready to come here to America. He had his A while overseas. It turned out to not be true... but when your reality turns out to not be REAL...you tend to look at everything in a new and somewhat skewed light.

Wintergarden posted 7/10/2019 09:16 AM

I'm nearly six months in limbo. My WH has changed his attitude greatly over this period of time but still cannot say he wants to start a new relationship with me. He also hadn't moved out and though it's all too deep to list here, he has finally agreed to IC (Just hasn't started yet, he really believes they can't tell him anything he doesn't already know). In these months I've taken advice from members here to heal myself and am well on the way. I've got back into most of my hobbies and see my friends again (though some I don't want to reconnect with). I've never said to myself that I will stay married or be single but just sought to get myself strong again.

If he decides he no longer wants to be married after attending IC then so be it. I've always said the door closes behind him. I don't think it would be easy but after dealing with so much sadness and shit I will accept what my future is to be and move on. I am preparing myself for that. I never want to be blindsided again in my life.

There is a power that comes with strength that is so important for your future. Get strong enough to regain some power.

landclark posted 7/10/2019 09:34 AM

Thank you all. I like the idea of working through a plan if we were to divorce. I think that's a good idea and may help ease me anxiety a bit. Want2BHappyAgain, I also like your idea of changing my mindset when I have this thought.

It's really not so much that I think I couldn't survive without him if he were to walk. I have done it before (was married previously, but without a kid that time). I don't really know what it is to be honest. It's hard to really pinpoint why I am having this thought, which is why I feel like it's irrational. I am also only 7.5 weeks from DDAY which could be part of it.

Layla1234, I do look at it that way as well, but then also have this thought mixed in. I am not in IC at this point, but probably need to consider it. We are in MC and I do tend to use that time to talk about my fears and such, so it's kind of like IC but with the WH there.

psychmom posted 7/10/2019 10:01 AM

I had some similar fears when my H started IC, landclark. I worried that he would GROW so much that he'd outgrow me . . . I think my self-esteem was so wounded at that time this seemed like a big deal to me at the time. But I didn't stand in his way of IC, and turns out, my fears were unfounded. He actually never grew all that much, although he gained a better understanding of his FOO issues, his weaknesses, insecurities, etc.

But the bottom line is that we don't have any control over any of that. That was hard for me to see then, and sometimes even a bit hard today. But you are right to choose to focus on what you do and can control: YOU. It's really all we've got. I've done a lot of reading on conscious living, happiness, etc to help get my head in a stronger and better place. This is your time to work on you, landclark. And with luck on your side your H will also figure out what he needs to to be the man you deserve.

hikingout posted 7/10/2019 10:32 AM

I am also only 7.5 weeks from DDAY which could be part of it.


I am sure it is. You had your entire security swiped out from under you. I remember my h in those early days - I don't think he could even keep a train of thought. Anxiety is normal, and you may not find a logical reason behind any of it, it still doesn't remove it. It's hard to understand what the brain does post-trauma. I have read a lot about it, but it's hard to understand as the brain is a very complicated thing. I think my husband would attach anxiety to different things at different times, but the reality was the anxiety was just there. Our minds want to attach it to a source, but the source is ground zero of your world blowing up.


Get your plan together but be gentle with yourself. Your entire reality just shifted, of course you feel anxious.

MamaDragon posted 7/10/2019 10:44 AM

The best way I dealt with that possibility was to find out everything I could about what I was entitled to from a legal aspect. I saw a lawyer, found out what to expect should we divorce and I made plans based on that information.

I made copies of all financials, proof of his affair, pay stubs etc and put them in a safe place.

Knowledge is power and taking back your power is one step closer to healing.

Unhinged posted 7/10/2019 10:51 AM

Oh the irony...

Like you, and so many other BSs, I made IC for my WS a condition of R. This was about six months out from d-day. By this point, I was almost certain that remaning married to her was not in my best interests (hence the insistence upon IC). She once mentioned to me that she was afraid to start therapy because "what if" the therapist believed and convinced her that staying married to me was not in HER best interests (or something along those lines). At the time (and still today), I found that to be rather ironic, because if she didn't start therapy I was going to divorce her, anyway. So, what did she have to lose aside from some truly fucked-up issues?

Your WH might go through therapy and realize that he wants a divorce. It's entirely possible. But then again, you just told him that if he doesn't go through therapy then you're going to divorce him anyway, right?

Let go, landclark. Let go of the outcome. Whether or not your WH is willing and able to do the work that R requires is beyond your control. I know it's hard. I know it's painful and scary. But you've got to let go. Step-back, detach, watch and observe what your WH does with this opportunity. Give yourself time to find out whether or not he's got what it takes to "own and fix his shit," to become a healthier and safer version of himself.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:52 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/10/2019 12:46 PM

I had thoughts like that. My fch even told me he wasn't sure he wanted to stay with me once very early on. I wasn't worried about losing him or living without him. It was my ego not wanting to lose. I got over it.

AbandonedGuy posted 7/10/2019 12:50 PM

I sincerely mean it when I say "hope for the best, plan for the worst". Mine left, and everything turned out just fine. I got very lucky at times, so that outcome isn't everyone's who gets ditched by their spouse, but just know that your happiness and fulfillment in life doesn't necessarily have to be 100% tied to this man.

I hope that you guys work things out, but if things fall apart, you will bounce back in time.

landclark posted 7/10/2019 13:22 PM

Let Go should be my new mantra. Maybe I just need to hear/read it a few more times so it actually sinks in for once!

"But then again, you just told him that if he doesn't go through therapy then you're going to divorce him anyway, right?"

This definitely contributes to why I think the thought is so irrational! I set the expectation, so now why am I then worried about the outcome? Just so ridiculous to me! Then again, I find myself completely ridiculous some days these days. lol

[This message edited by landclark at 1:22 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

sisoon posted 7/10/2019 13:24 PM

I viewed my W's A as an illness that she had from before we met. Therapy was essential, IMO and hers, and I knew that one possible outcome was that she'd realize or decide that she wanted out of our M.

Planning your split may not be necessary. If your H really means to do IC, he's probably committed solidly to R. It's enough to know you might split in the end ... if it happens, you'll have plenty of time to plan and execute D/S.

You've got to take the risk - it's absolutely necessary if you are going to make your M the best it can be. The 'best M' requires wanting and deciding to be together as 2 free agents. If one of you thinks s/he needs (i.e. can't live without) the other, you can't get there.

Remember, SI defines success as surviving infidelity and thriving after it. Recovery - not D or R or any other specific solution - is the goal.

BTW, I consoled myself with the idea that at least she'd leave for healthy reasons, if she left after doing real therapy.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:27 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Easter posted 7/10/2019 13:35 PM

I looked at it this way- if my H decided to leave me as a result of IC, at least, assuming he had a competent therapist, after his therapy my children would be left with a healthier father. I couldn't control whether he wanted me, but I assumed that work on his issues in therapy would make him a more emotionally attuned, more empathetic father. Turns out I was right.

secondtime posted 7/10/2019 14:28 PM

I can't help but wonder what if through the process he comes to the realization that he never actually loved me and wants to move on

I actually struggle with this quite a bit.

My case is a little different. DH is a recovering SA that has been lying to himself about his addiction for 20 out of 22 years of our relationship.

I just cannot trust that my husband is capable of being honest with himself about some things, and not about others. Rather I believe that he's capable of deceiving himself about more than just his addiction. And I actually do think it's very possible that he's capable of lying to himself with regards to his love for me.

We aren't in a position to separate now, anyway. Neither one of us can handle managing four children on our own, mentally, physically, emotionally, or financially. I also have enough else going on (school, work, a second job, four kids) that I can't waste too much time dwelling. Though I do need to spend time processing. I think there's a difference.

So. If DH and I separate, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

CaptainRogers posted 7/10/2019 17:51 PM

I actually had this work out the opposite way. My wife saw an IC prior to her A who told her that our marriage was over and that she should go find what made her happy. Of course, she lied to the IC and totally rewrote our marriage history, making me the bad guy and getting sympathy from the IC, as well as permission to have her A.

After the A, my wife eventually (and I mean really eventually...like 2 years eventually) decided that she was the issue, that it wasn't me, and actually dedicated herself to the marriage.

Yes, it took a long time. Yes, I ran out of patience more than once. But through it all, I came to the realization that if she ever did anything remotely this selfish again, I will be just fine. I will take the kids, figure it out, and she can live in LaLa Land for as long as she wants. She pissed away her family once. Grace allowed her to stay. Grace doesn't make two offers.

sassylee posted 7/10/2019 21:36 PM

Let go, landclark. Let go of the outcome. Whether or not your WH is willing and able to do the work that R requires is beyond your control. I know it's hard. I know it's painful and scary. But you've got to let go. Step-back, detach, watch and observe what your WH does with this opportunity. Give yourself time to find out whether or not he's got what it takes to "own and fix his shit," to become a healthier and safer version of himself.

This needs to be your mantra Landclark.

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