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Why did you tell the Other betrayed spouse

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Emotionalhell posted 7/9/2019 07:07 AM

I have been accused of wanting to just hurt WH and others by telling the OBS. I did not tell OBS for a long time because I knew how much pain it would cause. I stupidly thought the A would stop.
The OBS has a right to know that the person that they are devouring themselves to is cheating. The OBS has a right to know before the invest more of their future.
I wish someone would of told me about the A.... I donít care much for ppl that know about cheating and donít step up a say something.

psychmom posted 7/9/2019 07:21 AM

Had there been OBS I would have been all over that as fast as I could. Why? Because they deserve to know AND because I believe in scorched earth in this situation. Swift, certain, huge consequences. That's just me.

Chaos posted 7/9/2019 07:30 AM

Not telling right away was a decision I regret for a long time. It weighed heavy on my heart.

I truly thought I was protecting OBS and his children. I knew it was wrong [not telling] yet I did it anyway - listening to those who told me it was for the "greater good". I just couldn't live with myself anymore.

What ultimately kicked my ass in gear and had me make that call - the A went underground. This stopped it dead in its tracks.

ETA - this is a huge regret - not telling OBS ASAP. I apologized for this (not telling him sooner). He was most gracious and appreciative of me telling him at all. A huge burden was lifted when I finally did the right thing.

[This message edited by Chaos at 4:45 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

fooled13years posted 7/9/2019 07:40 AM

I did not tell the OBS as I was the OBS. I had no idea what was going on. Looking back I realize that I had no idea what was going on because I didn't see the red flags that were so obvious after being informed and there was no way that my wife and best friend would do something like that to both of our families. I am so thankful that I was told.

tipperm posted 7/9/2019 07:41 AM

It was the OBS that contacted me after 3 months, I will be forever greatful that he told me. He did say he wish he would have talked to me sooner.

Butforthegrace posted 7/9/2019 07:42 AM

That accusation of "wanting to hurt" by telling is complete bs. Deflection and blame shifting at its highest. Your WH hurt the OBS and you when he decided to cheat and lie.

Giving the OBS the dignity of knowing the truth is simply the right thing to do. It is the high road.

By the way, if you've not done it yet, you should do it without warning to your WH.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:20 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

ibonnie posted 7/9/2019 07:48 AM

I notified the OBS long after the A had ended because:

-I wanted to know if they had any more/other information that I did,
-I figured two sets of eyes were better than one, and if the OBS knew, there would even less of a chance of contact (WH and AP1 parted ways when they went to work in different counties, and had no interaction on a daily basis, but there was always the chance of running into each other on official business),
-the OBS deserved to know what her WW was capable of, since most cheaters don't decide to end the A on their own and work on their character flaws,
-and lastly, consequences. I think there are many reasons why people cheat, but one of the big ones is that if you don't face the consequences of your actions, it's easy to justify/rugsweep/minimize your actions as no big deal, because no one got hurt. Nope.

JimmyB posted 7/9/2019 08:05 AM

I waited 3 months before informing the OBS after I told the AP that he should confess and that I would check to make sure he had. He chose to disrespect me by ignoring what I said and thinking I wouldn't follow through. He made yet another bad decision.

My WW accused me of exactly the same thing. The OBS told their adult children and they contacted my WW. She said the same thing to them, she apologized for me calling their mother, she said that I was just thinking about revenge, my intent was to hurt their father but I made a mistake and hurt their family. She said I was in a bad frame of mind or I would have thought it out more appropriately. Give me a fu**ing break!

Telling is, without a doubt, the absolutely right thing to do. They deserve to know. Barring any sense that it would put someone in harms way, I feel it's an obligation to tell.

Is it true that it hurt him when his wife found out? I sure hope so, it should, but that is just a secondary consequence, one that I won't deny I took pleasure in, but that's not the point.

Her comments tell me that she doesn't believe they have the right to know and it obviously says she thinks that I didn't either, or actually that she's continuing to deceive herself, I don't believe anyone could possibly not understand that to be the truth.

I can hardly stand to think about it, about what she said, it pisses me off so much.

Butforthegrace posted 7/9/2019 08:23 AM

Jimmy, I'm curious if you ever got any feedback from the adult children of the OBS. Also, what does your WW say/think about this now?

deephurt posted 7/9/2019 08:23 AM

Obs deserves to know the truth about their life no matter who it comes from or what their intent is. Itís the right thing to do.

MamaDragon posted 7/9/2019 08:36 AM

As soon as I found out, I contacted OBS and said "Your wife works with my husband. We have something in common - we need to chat" and gave my # to him.

He immediately called me back and said "they are cheating on us, right? this isn't the first time she has done this"


Basically he already suspected. I bet that is the case 95% of the time.

JimmyB posted 7/9/2019 08:46 AM

Butforthegrace,

My WW texted the AP and asked him to intervene with his children, they dropped it. They were texting both of us for additional information, apparently he wasn't being forthcoming. I told them I would provide more to their mother, if she requested it, she did not. Her text to him is another story. I agreed to it with the understanding it was for intervention, she sent it without allowing me to review or approve it, she chose to apologize to him repeatedly as well as she made up a lie of an excuse about how she got caught. The first line in the text was that excuse.

I told her at the time how wrong she was, that it was her right to know, I didn't make a mistake, that I wasn't the one that hurt their family etc. She never once agreed with me or reversed anything she said. I have absolutely no reason to think she feels any differently today.

deephurt posted 7/9/2019 08:55 AM

I didnít tell the obs for a year. I was lied to by both my wh and so about what their a really was. I was lied to about obs by both. I was told that he was violent. So I kept my mouth shut at first

During that year, I felt guilt that he didnít know and as I read his fb posts I could tell that ap was the ďbossĒ in that family and that there was no fear of him in her part.

Then I found out the truth about the a and I contact obs immediately. I apologized for not telling him before and I noticed on my wh fb that obs had sent him a message about contact with his wife and if it didnít stop he would tell me. Wh didnít read it, it was in a weird folder unread. If he had told me about their contact, I would have found out before the a had really become hot and heavy.

Telling is the best way to make sure it ends. Telling protects the health of the obs. Telling is the kind thing to do.

EmbraceTheChange posted 7/9/2019 09:09 AM

I told the Obs because she wrecked my marriage by bonking my husband, so I returned the favor by wrecking hers. Heck, she could have chosen not to be involved with a married guy with babies at home and instead, date her own husband instead and and be at work to work? Well, she chose to be a homewrecker so I wrecked hers.

A co-worker told me she already had another 2 affairs at work before, so I guess, because everybody kept quiet, she thought she would be free of consequences.

Well, she attacked my family so I attacked back big time. I was going to make her fall any way I could. She didn't know I knew her in-line manager so the day after dday I emailed him, just after emailing her to BACK-OFF (she asked my husband if I was going to attack her, glad she could read between the lines, but I was not going to be in custody because of hers, so no I wasn't going to attack her, I was just going to make her fall by forwarding her emails). She got moved department soon after. She was a slacker at work so it caught up with her and me telling her in-line manager helped move things along swiftly . 4 years later she got laid off with another 4 employees.

During the affair I met her. She organised a meet-up to get her kids to be friends with mine. Talk about an ego trip for her! She thought I was a doormat. No I wasn't, I just didn't know what was going on and I would never have thought that an OW would have the balls to shake my hand and hold my baby. I mean, that's twisted, ffs. I also read emails where she's slagging me off. Like, wtf. Did she really believe she was better than me because my husband was bonking her in the car at lunchtime and was spending time with her because she was an easy lay? Well, guess she learned a hard lesson, eh? Her husband lives now in Hawaii, lol, and she's a single mom. Sorry. Unemployed single mom.

She got it in the face. And all she had to do to avoid this crap would have had to tell my husband to piss off. Would have been way better for her in the long run. Hey, she thought I was a doormat. She forgot I was French and very very pissed off. Lol.

JSS1227 posted 7/9/2019 09:10 AM

That accusation of "wanting to hurt" by telling is complete bs. Deflection and blame shifting at its highest. Your WH hurt the OBS and you when he decided to cheat and lie

^^^This. I did not hear this from WH when I chose to tell OBS, but turns out he had already found out about a month before I did, and he heard plenty of this from OW and my WH when he confronted them and threatened to tell me. Then my WH hacked my phone and blocked him (before I even knew who he was) so that he couldnít contact me later if he changed his mind.

And the result of OBS not telling me? His WW and my WH promised him they would stop the A and go NC; OBS rugswept for a month, thinking the A was over and in his mind, they were in R. I was still oblivious to it all. WH and OW never went NC; in fact, they actually increased communication/meetups/sex/ILYís until my DDay a month later. I immediately contacted OBS for several reasons...he deserved to know the A never stopped, and he was in false R; I wanted us to exchange information and evidence;to blow up the A... with both of us watching, it would be more difficult for them to break NC; and, I will readily admit that I wanted to destroy OWís life the way she had destroyed mine. They donít have any kids, so that was a non factor for me, and even if they did, it wouldnít be ME who adversely affected them by exposing the A, it would be WH and OW for subjecting their families to this in the first place.

Telling OBS is the right thing to do. He deserves to know the truth about his life, the truth about his health and get tested for STDís, etc

CaliforniaNative posted 7/9/2019 09:17 AM

I stupidly thought the A would stop.

Your WH should have stopped the affair on his own without you having to do this in the first place. If not, then divorce him. She is not the one who made promises to you.

mamabear22 posted 7/9/2019 10:10 AM

I told the OBS after 7 months.
I told him because I would have wanted him to tell me. And it is not right to keep that secret from anyone.
It was heavy on my mind, and causing me more anxiety.
It did feel like a huge weight was lifted once I told him , although I really don't think that he believed me. But that is not on me, he knows, I told him, the rest is up to them to figure out. I do hope all of her other AP's BS tell him too though, then maybe it will sink in.

I have been accused of wanting to just hurt WH and others by telling the OBS.
The only person I could hear saying this would be a wayward spouse. That doesn't want repercussions because of it. My FWH was not happy when I told the OBS, but oddly enough he came out with some more TT, cause he was scared 'some pissed off husband was going to come and beat down his door.'
Funny how they don't think of that during the affair, and how that didn't make him second guess setting up another meeting with the whore. And how being honest with me was not as important as the fear of 'some pissed off husband was going to come and beat down his door.'

JimmyB posted 7/9/2019 10:48 AM

It's deflection for one purpose only, protect the AP and protect the A, it's the continuation of wayward mindset at it's deepest level.

SaddestDad posted 7/9/2019 11:02 AM

I told main-OM's OBS because she deserved to know. By me not telling, it almost felt like I was party to her being betrayed.

One of the 2 "minor" OBS' I haven't told yet because I'm too nervous of what that will do to my professional career, as her POS spouse is a connected guy in my industry.

The other "minor" AP actually gave WW a fake name & doesn't have social media, so I've not been able to learn who they are, otherwise, I would tell that OBS in a heartbeat, as she was betrayed a whole lot more than I (most of that A was before my time).

Unhinged posted 7/9/2019 11:12 AM

By me not telling, it almost felt like I was party to her being betrayed.
This was what finally pushed me over the edge. I hated the idea that I was being an accomplice to infidelity by keeping their secret.

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