Return to Forum List

Return to General

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Ow is only friend shtick

blondenblueeyed posted 7/8/2019 14:57 PM

Brief history.

WS is having an EA with a woman that lives nearby, he's previously told me that he wanted the relationship to turn physical. Ive been what I believe to be more than patient and weve had many open talks about how the relationship hurts me.

They usually resolve with some boundary being established for the relationship, but the very next encounter he has with her he breaks the new 'rules' and says he 'forgot'. So i wrote them down and had him sign them. He still 'doesnt remember'. Round and round it goes.

Ive been very clear with him that I have less than zero trust for the relationship, for what i believe to be good cause and he agrees with that during his making up stage but never his justifying it stage.

Recently, I told him to choose her or me. He left to go hang out with her, knowing that it would hurt me, and knowing that there would be choices i would make about it. At least he didnt hide it i guess. It was still worth the risk i guess. So right after he left I began grieving the loss. I posted some songs with pointed lyrics, and i moved my stuff into a spare bedroom and waited.

He came home, after a few hours, and said she told him to go home because he was visibly upset and said he couldnt even think while we was out with her because he didnt want to hurt me and he chose me and didnt want to do it anymore. Seemed like legit remorse to me at the time and i caved.

But...

This morning he was visibly upset, so I prodded until he told me that he is unhappy because he doesnt have anyone he considers a friend locally except his OW. He feels he cant make any other friends because were so busy, and every friend i mention that i think he has, isnt really his friend for one reason or another.
So he basically keeps pushing that i need to be friends with her so we all could be friends. And it seems no matter how many times i explain to him that he lost that opportunity when he started breaking my trust with her, he still insists that i would like her and it'll all be great if only i wasnt so stubborn.

Yes seriously 🙃 Thoughts? What do you say to something like this?

Can Not Believe posted 7/8/2019 15:11 PM

"I" would say - I am NOT going to be in a 3-way relationship when "your friend" is given the same care and status as "Me" - your wife.

When he left

[Recently, I told him to choose her or me. He left to go hang out with her, knowing that it would hurt me, and knowing that there would be choices i would make about it. At least he didnt hide it i guess. It was still worth the risk i guess. ]

No guessing about this. He left. Who is more important - YOU - or the friend? He answered that question.

And THIS - [He came home, after a few hours, and said she told him to go home because he was visibly upset and said he couldnt even think while we was out with her because he didnt want to hurt me and he chose me and didnt want to do it anymore. Seemed like legit remorse to me at the time and i caved. ]

What if "she" didn't send him home? Then What?

WORDS mean nothing! ACTIONS - tell the story!

From what you wrote - he clearly values and cares about Her - more than - You.

That's what you are dealing with.

My opinion -

Can Not Believe

mamabear22 posted 7/8/2019 15:22 PM

sorry to hear.
This sounds exactly the way my husband was acting, the same things he was saying when he was having the affair and justifying why he had to talk to her, why he couldn't leave his one day a week job.
It is all a big load of crap.
If he really loves you and wants to be with you, he will respect the boundaries you arrange.

If he wants the marriage to work he will remember, if not the best reminder is to walk out the door. HE needs to do the work to be respectful to you. HE needs to figure a way out to remember.

Actions speak louder than words, believe the actions.

I would put it to him like this, 'how do you remember to not speed, not run through stop signs, not slap your mother, not burn the neighbors house, how do you remember those things???' Cause nobody does them? cause there would be consequences? cause it would be disrespectful? How did you remember to do it for X number of years in your marriage/relationship before.
Remember or bye-bye.

[This message edited by mamabear22 at 3:26 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

k8la posted 7/8/2019 15:23 PM

My husband pulled the same shtick and I told him he could go. With my blessing. Out of my life. But his pity party was hurtful to the destruction he had taken out on our marriage to be with her. There was no bridge to walk back to me on because he had a double-minded heart. I was worth more than that. But I had a zero tolerance policy toward his moping and self-pity about losing his best friend and worrying about her (she appealed to his knight in shining armour addiction and played seriously ill during much of their interactions - pleas for prayers on her death bed crap and other fakery to keep him hooked).

I told him it was none of his business what her health condition was if he wanted to stay in my life.

Zero tolerance recovered my sense of self value.

ibonnie posted 7/8/2019 15:32 PM

Yes seriously 🙃 Thoughts? What do you say to something like this?

I'm not familiar with your story, but noticed you joined SI over four years ago. What advice would you give to someone else posting this?

Recently, I told him to choose her or me. He left to go hang out with her, knowing that it would hurt me, and knowing that there would be choices i would make about it. At least he didnt hide it i guess. It was still worth the risk i guess. So right after he left I began grieving the loss. I posted some songs with pointed lyrics, and i moved my stuff into a spare bedroom and waited.

I think you've tried to "180," but instead of doing it to detach to give you space and clarity, you're trying to manipulate a response out of him.

Why are you waiting? What were you waiting for? You gave him an ultimatum. He chose her. If I were you, I would be calling lawyers tomorrow morning to find one to help you file for D.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/8/2019 15:33 PM

Sometimes in order to save your marriage you need to be willing to lose it.

Go see an attorney to educate yourself what a divorce settlement would look like in your state. Second, secretly get all your ducks in a row. Thirdly, have him served with the papers publicly, like at work.

In the meantime, he fired you from being the wife. So stop taking care of him. He's a big boy he can do it himself, better yet he can ask his new best friend to do it for him. Also, do nothing to help him out of this mess. And read up on the 180 and keep this website private because you need a safe spot with a team behind you...that's what we do here.

He doesn't respect you. He thinks you will tolerate this.

So, show him something different. A very strong women.

ibonnie posted 7/8/2019 15:39 PM

Okay, so I just went back to read through your posts. Is this a new partner? Or the same WS that you posted this about in 2016:

Today I realized that my partner is not just a cheater. He's a seriously sick, unstable, abusive sick fuck.

He killed an animal today. He told me about it with the blankest of expressions. Cold as ice. 'Btw jupiter is loose, I pulled him out of his cage and threw him against the wall, you fuck with me while I'm at work, now I'm fucking with yours".

He's referring to me texting him while he was at work. A practice I only do if he initiates it.

I found jupiter dead. Broke his spine. Now I'm out. Done. Omg im so out.

I always thought of the infedility as our biggest problem. Man was I so wrong. I'm not a infedility survivor, I'm a domestic violence survivor, or I will be soon. 

The1stWife posted 7/8/2019 17:49 PM

He has lied. He has disrespected you. He is trying to manipulate you.

He wants your approval to have an affair.

Please give him your approval as you are walking out the door in your way to see your Divorce attorney. And remind him “three’s a crowd”.

Problem solved. He’s no longer on the fence and you don’t have to sit around watching him make a mockery of your marriage.

nekonamida posted 7/8/2019 18:59 PM

I remember you. You need to get far away from this sick, dangerous man.

He's manipulating you over and over again. He doesn't care about your pain. That's why he listens and sees how hurt you are and chooses to see OW minutes, hours, days later. He says he doesn't remember because it works and you accept it. He does all of this because you allow it and now that you have allowed him to come back after not choosing you, he's hoping you will allow him to keep seeing the OW.

You are worth so much more than killing yourself being his pawn. See an IC. See a lawyer. Take care of yourself and leave him.

blondenblueeyed posted 7/8/2019 19:23 PM

Bonnie, nope. I left that situation in 2016. My ex was a truly sick fucker. Had to move across country to get away from him. My current has his flaws but hes at least a decent human being. Yeah no, not the same guy.

And a short answer to the "manipulation" statement. I was fully prepared to go through with it. I was sweet talked out of it against my better judgement. There's a difference, but thanks for your 'support'.

ibonnie posted 7/8/2019 20:30 PM

Good! I'm glad you got away and was seriously concerned that it might be the same person.

Having said that, my intent wasn't to offend you. The fact that you said you posted pointed song lyrics and that you were waiting (for what?) made me think you were trying to illicit a response from him.

Otherwise, why wouldn't you just block him on SM and start taking actions for yourself, rather than wait after he chose someone else?

anoldlion posted 7/8/2019 21:13 PM

My question is.. why did he think, telling you he wanted the relationship with the OW to become physical, would be okay or acceptable to you? Did I miss something here. Is he really that crass to think that this was acceptable or that you would be okay with that? I do wish you well.

blondenblueeyed posted 7/9/2019 00:18 AM

I knew about it. They met on fetlife before we got together. We hung out with her once before i knew this was going EA, she had a fiance at the time and was threat level zero. She didnt suddenly become a legit 'friend' until after her fiancee dumped her. For reasons i dont have the details on but am suspicious about.

And he admited it during his coming clean. The only reason i have any hope for this relationship left is solely because he has been honest with me about the shit choices hes made, like it hurts like hell that he went to go see her but some part of me cant help but appreciate that he didnt further insult my intelligence by hiding it.

Do you think its wise for me to calmly and respectfully talk to her about it?

LukesDiner posted 7/9/2019 01:37 AM

It pains me to know that you are experiencing this. It seems to me that you are working through it, but there is something that sticks out to me. Hopefully this makes some sense to you and is not too much of a ramble.

They usually resolve with some boundary being established for the relationship, but the very next encounter he has with her he breaks the new 'rules' and says he 'forgot'.

It seems to me that there is a lack of boundaries in the interaction you have with him. So I wonder if you might consider what boundaries you might be able to set between the two of you, before getting into boundaries between the two of them. It seems that he could be breaking the rules because he doesn't perceive there to be any rules between the two of you, and therefore he doesn't respect the rules being set outside of the two of you. It sounds like he has a safety zone with you, and maybe he shouldn't feel so "safe". What I mean is not that he should be given ultimatums, but that he should feel as if there are certain expectations, and when those expectations aren't met, there will be some type of consequence for that.

I say this because of his explanation for returning after a few hours with OW. He spoke of being "visibly upset". He felt comfortable ("safe", to use my word earlier) enough to share this with you -- that, essentially, he felt bad and it messed up his evening with her (this is upsetting to me as I type this, so I can't imagine it is sitting well with you). She sent him back.

Are you wondering if he really went to see her? Because I don't get the impression that you are feeling completely negative about his leaving in response to your asking him to make a choice. Are you feeling like he just "made the choice" in response to your ultimatum? As if to say, "I'm not going to controlled?" Because, if so, that's another potential area that points to a boundary issue.

I think the other comments that mention going to a divorce lawyer are really getting at the idea of setting boundaries. I don't want to misstate anyone's comments, but I think at the heart of the matter is the idea that you get to make some decisions here. It's so very difficult to figure out if someone is being honest or truthful or if OW could be a good person to talk to -- all of this requires making decisions that are based on other people and what they can provide.

But I think the other posters are encouraging you to look at your strength and what you can provide for yourself, what boundaries you can set and live up to, and what you can do to make a statement (to yourself, not anyone else) about what you can tolerate and what you will not stand for. You said you moved into a spare bedroom when he left the house. I wonder what sort of boundary would have been set if you'd moved his belongings into a spare bedroom.

What I can say definitively is I think it is unwise to have contact with OW. Only because I think it will take an emotional toll on you. And I don't think you need to take on all of that stress just for the sake of someone else's "friendship." It's not your fault he can't make other friends besides this person.

I hope this makes sense, and I hope I didn't write too much. Hang in there.

[This message edited by LukesDiner at 1:43 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

anoldlion posted 7/9/2019 02:54 AM

I'm sorry but when I was dating my wife, if she had "been honest" with me and said I'm having an EA with and xboyfriend and I hope it becomes physical, I'm absolutely sure she would have never seen me again. There are too many women (in your case men) in this world to put up with that. I do wish you well.

Chaos posted 7/9/2019 07:09 AM

Que up the Biz Markie. In fact, make it his new ring tone.

Best case scenario - he wants his cake at home and cake on the side.

Worst case scenario - he's grooming you for a threesome

"breaks the 'new'rules" - he's not a teenager and you aren't his mother.

He's playing you both against each other and enjoying the drama and attention [maybe he is a teenager after all]

Thoughts - I have lots of them. None involve a future with him. At least for the time being.

What do you say to something like this - "WH pull your head out of your ass, kick that hussy to the curb" If he balks in any way you say nothing to him but "hello..." to my attorney.

Lalagirl posted 7/9/2019 07:43 AM

He's playing you both against each other and enjoying the drama and attention [maybe he is a teenager after all]

That's exactly what I'm thinking.

My FWH loved this game. We were "friends" with OW #2 and when it became EA, the "competition" began. I was not about to compete. I left the "game" - this is when FWH decided to remove his head from his emotionally immature sphincter and get long-term, intensive IC. Also, he enjoyed talking to her because she was an airhead - he was "above" her intellectually - he was a KISA at its "finest." Take a gander at my profile when you have a few minutes...I think it may put things into perspective for you.

This so much reminds me of the dynamic of my sitch many years ago, it's almost uncanny. Except we were all friends first.

Thoughts? What do you say to something like this?

Speaking from experience, it's time to knock him off the fence. He thinks he's miserable? Has he taken one friggin minute to consider how you feel? Does he know what you went through before you started dating him? And the fact that he actually has you questioning yourself about this really pisses me off.

Do you think its wise for me to calmly and respectfully talk to her about it?

No ma'am.

Something else struck me weird...y'all (you and OW) are not friends now for a reason. All of a sudden your WS wants you and she to be pals?

The whole thing stinks. Spray some Febreze on that stink, girl!

((((HUGS))))

edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 7:44 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Crushed7 posted 7/9/2019 08:38 AM

WS is having an EA with a woman that lives nearby, he's previously told me that he wanted the relationship to turn physical. Ive been what I believe to be more than patient and weve had many open talks about how the relationship hurts me.

By having an EA and actually saying that he is hoping for a PA, his words and actions are showing you that he won't love and respect you. Regardless of what you've said to him in return, your actions have indicated that you will tolerate it. While you complained and moved yourself into another room, he still has you, the house, etc. In effect, he is being rewarded for his behavior and is now trying to take it even further by getting you both agree to be "friends". He is sitting on the fence, eating his cake and watching the two of you fight over him. Why should he change what he is doing?

What do you say to something like this?

Words aren't the problem right now -- actions are. Until you *show* him that you won't tolerate being manipulated and disrespected, the abuse will continue. Filing for divorce, outing the affair, etc. are potential actions that will knock him off the fence that he is currently sitting on.

ChangeMaker posted 7/9/2019 08:50 AM

I think it's simple...

Tell him to do what he thinks is right. If he wants to hang out with her, confide in her, and whatever else - let him make his decision...

Then you make yours.

You don't choose his friends for him, or forbid him to do anything... he chooses, then you choose.

IMHO, he can never be satisfied in his current relationship if he feels he is not allowed to be his full self, which (apparently) includes this woman. NEVER.

deephurt posted 7/9/2019 09:00 AM

Yep he likes having two women wanting him. Change that and chose you and not him. He is stringing you both along to make himself feel like a stud. His bad mood is fake and he is looking for more attention. Don’t give it to him.

Look up the 180 and put it into practice.

Return to Forum List

Return to General

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy