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DeservesBetter70 posted 7/8/2019 05:59 AM

WH moved out In May. He said he had no intentions of divorcing me and that he wants to help our marriage. He gave me the bullshit that he canít work on us until I work on me blah, blah, blah.........Anyway, I believe itís not possible to work on our marriage when weíre not living in the same home. I could be wrong. Maybe a solid break from each other can be beneficial to our marriage. I remain skeptical after seeing statistics that say only about 20% of couples who separate ever get back together. And from what people on here have said, itís rare for a WS who moves out to return.

This brings me to the point of my post. I spoke to my husband on the phone yesterday morning for over an hour. We havenít had that long a conversation in months, certainly not since he moved out. (I pleaded for him to stay btw) he was talking about all the stresses in his life that heís trying to work with. And honestly, right now, there are a lot aside from our marriage. His philosophy is that heís going to work on one thing at a time. After getting off the phone, I felt somewhat good about our conversation and that maybe he was feeling better about us since he opened up so much. So.....after a few minutes I sent him a text.

Me: I know you have a ton of things to deal with. You can always come home and have one less to worry about. The door is always open.

About ten minutes later, I got a reply...

WS: Thank you and appreciate it, but it is also another thing that needs to be dealt with

What is ďitĒ that he is referring to? Our marriage and him coming home needs ďto be dealt withĒ? Since when am I something that needs to be dealt with? Iím not the one who cheated.

What does that reply really mean? Are we done? Is there still hope we can reconcile? Am I that horrible to be around that heíd rather live in the shitty conditions heís living in than come home to our comfortable home? (Heís living in his motherís basement)

Am I wasting my time?

Emotionalhell posted 7/8/2019 06:15 AM

I don't know the situation like you do so I may be totally off.
Sounds like he is keeping you on a shoe string just Incase his current situation fails... you know a back up plan.. so he wonít be alone,
Read the 180. Take care of yourself. Do not play the pick me dance. It never works
Sorry you are here..

(((Hugs))))

Queen posted 7/8/2019 07:52 AM

I'm so sorry but I don't think he's a candidate for reconciliation. Why is the marriage not his first priority? Has he never multi tasked in his life? It's all excuses. I believe he's stringing you along.

My advice would be see an attorney and file for divorce asap. Don't tell him you're going to do it. He's not your friend. Remember that: He is not your friend. He is a liar and a cheat. He is not who you thought he was.

It's so hard to let go and it's a process. Hang in there and take one step at a time towards what you really deserve.

layla1234 posted 7/8/2019 08:15 AM

So did he share the order of priorities with you? Where do you fall on his list? What is he currently working on?? Sounds like a cop out. Is the affair ongoing?

hikingout posted 7/8/2019 08:23 AM

I am the ws. I think itís telling that you didnít feel you could follow up his response with that question. I think it may be a case of not wanting the answer?

It doesnít sound good that he moved out without being made to and that he thinks that the problem is that you should work on you when he is the one who cheated. It sounds like he is blaming you and the marriage for his cheating/unhappiness. This is not the case. His cheating was a decision he made that was wrong and he did it because of his own deficiencies as a human being. There may have been issues but he did not handle them as a grown man but as a coward. I can say the same of myself.

I agree with the others it is time to 280 and think about yourself- your healing, what you want. Stop giving him all the power.

totallydumb posted 7/8/2019 09:17 AM

WH moved out In May. He said he had no intentions of divorcing me and that he wants to help our marriage.

Who gives a rats ass what he wants? Remember, his wants led him to have an affair.... why would you consider his wants at all??

I pleaded for him to stay btw


This sounds an awful lot like the pick me dance to me!


Me: I know you have a ton of things to deal with. You can always come home and have one less to worry about. The door is always open.

More pick me dance, and you may have a ton of things to work on, but that has no bearing on his behavior. Stop taking the blame for his shit.

What is ďitĒ that he is referring to? Our marriage and him coming home needs ďto be dealt withĒ? Since when am I something that needs to be dealt with? Iím not the one who cheated.

Let go of the outcome.

You really must detach and better yourself. Read up on the 180, for your sake.

nekonamida posted 7/8/2019 10:38 AM

How sure are you that he's not dating the OW or a new one? Someone who genuinely wants to work on their marriage doesn't suddenly need so much physical space and to not have to be accountable to their BS like that.

It sounds like to me he's currently dating OW/new OW and she has been pestering him about separation and D from you so he decided to move into his mom's basement to give the appearance of separation/D while he keeps you emotionally involved in case things don't work out with her. What "it" refers to is all the verbal and mental gymnastics he would have to do with her in order to move back in and keep her around. Because actually moving back in would be relatively easy otherwise.

DB, he's doing this because you're allowing it. He's been gone for 2 months and you're still telling him the door is wide open if he wants it. He has no incentive to choose you right now because you're openly telling him you're okay with being plan B if and when he's done being single/dating and wants the marriage again.

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