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Vent: stop telling your BS that they "won"!

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Justsomeguy posted 7/6/2019 13:37 PM

Okay, so this is my vent. I've been reading here for a bit, and something that comes up every once in a while is that a WS will comment that their BS won over the AP, like they are some amazing prize to be grappled over in the love equivalent of a gladiatorial match. Now, I'm not going to unpack how asinine that thinking is, so just stop it. Okay, I lied, I am. So you throw the person who you promised to love and cherish under the bus,REEATEDLY, lied to them how many times, exposed them to STDs, gave them baggage and trust issues for the rest of lives, and did how much more, and you are the prize? Chances are they have to hold their lunch in just to stand being in the same room with you when they fake it in hopes that things just might get better enough to be considered meh. And maybe the reason they aren't telling everyone is because they are soooooo excited they won, that they don't want anyone else getting wind of how fucking awesome you are. Honestly, get your heads out of your ass and get over yourself.

Okay, vent over.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 11:58 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

Justsomeguy posted 7/6/2019 13:59 PM

Sorry to any offended by my vitriolic post. My STBXWW used to say shit like that and it just sends me. Honey, I'm with you because you're the better man. Well of course I am, I didn't cheat on you.

ChamomileTea posted 7/6/2019 14:10 PM

This is why it's so frustrating to try and get the JFO folks to STOP competing for their own spouses. The WS already thinks they're in the catbird seat, deciding who to gift with their own grand selves. Doing the "pick me" just confirms it for them, and then invites MORE self-aggrandizing behavior. They can't see themselves as cheaters who need to get a clue and a better character, when they see themselves as the prize. Prize pig at the county fair is more like it, and yet the kneejerk reaction is to reassure them that WE can change. It's mindboggling.

fareast posted 7/6/2019 14:14 PM


What the BS is really thinking:

WS: “Honey, get over it! You won! I chose you over him”

BS: Wait, what? I vaguely recall a wedding, with vows, a cake, a chocolate fountain, and a dance! I know I might have been a little tipsy at our wedding, but did I agree to give you “do overs”? I didn’t think so! Lucky me! I think I’m the loser here!”

DebraVation posted 7/6/2019 15:20 PM

My WH actually used that line on me.

OW was my 'friend' so during the affair she'd been to my house for dinner and all sorts. After DDay, I was shouting at WH that he had basically set me up in some sort of competition with her, only she was laughing at my stupidity and I didn't even KNOW there was a competition.

He said, "Well look you won didn't you?"

Me: I'm so f&£*ing lucky!

If it WAS a competition and he was a prize, I would want a refund.

keptmyword posted 7/6/2019 15:23 PM

There is nothing that feeds an adulterous, backstabbing asshole's empty void than the notion that two people are "competing" over them.

Those two being the spouse they lied to, betrayed and deceived, and their inherent scumbag adultery partner.

It very temporarily satiates their pathetic, eternal neediness.

That's why whenever anyone plays the "Pick Me!" dance, adulterers will milk it for as long as they possibly can.

What a BS should win is their freedom from their WS's selfish world of lies, deceit, and life-draining "needs".

J707 posted 7/6/2019 15:31 PM

My stbxww still thinks she is the biggest prize in the world. I was helping my DD set up the Wi-Fi on her tablet and came across the one her mom has at their house:

STBXWW is Awesome! That's her Wi-Fi login now. She truly does think the world revolves are her and her big head. The biggest prize in NPD world. My biggest prize was her not snapping out of it ever and me filing for D. What theme will I have for my Divorce party when it's done?!!!

The1stWife posted 7/6/2019 16:48 PM

DDay1 was 6 years ago. Happily reconciled.

However this thread brought up something I had forgotten.

Soon after DDay1 he wants a D. Walking out the door. By soon I mean about 10 days.

Then he decides to Reconcile. Now I know nothing at SI and I am the biggest idiot for letting him call the shots. Basically I’m leading the pick me tango.

He decides we should take a vacation together. Just some time off (kids were away). It’s just us. Cue the anxiety because I am on trial here. I’m being compared to the OW to see who is more fun. I know it. But I’m doing my best.

A few weeks later he was back to the Affair and it is well hidden. A few months later he demands a D but let’s me believe it’s because he “just doesn’t want to be married anymore”.

In retrospect I failed my audition didn’t I? I didn’t measure up to the 29 year old OW.

A few months later when I had enough of his crap and told him I was Divorcing HIM he realized he wasn’t the prize he thought he was. And the one time he told me “I chose you” was as close to slapping him as I ever came.

I will never forget the anxiety I suffered from as I am being “auditioned” to stay in my marriage. SMH

Want2BHappyAgain posted 7/6/2019 17:47 PM

I remember that phrase really well . We were in our vehicle when the adultery co-conspirator texted my H from another phone number...saying how much she missed him and asking if he would please give her just 5 minutes of his time.

I commented that I liked seeing those texts from her. Before I could say it was because it showed that they weren’t communicating with each other...my H quickly piped up “Because you WON” !!!

I laid into him and his very POOR choice of words so much that it insured he would NEVER use those words again!!!

DevastatedDee posted 7/6/2019 20:37 PM

That's right up there with "but I always came home to you". I remember responding "and fuck you for that too. To what, shower the other women off you, put on clothing that I had washed and eat food I had cooked or purchased and then lay your cheating ass in bed beside me? You should have stayed where the fuck you were".

mchercheur posted 7/6/2019 21:04 PM

So you throw the person who you promised to love a d cherish under the us,REEATEDLY, lied to them how many times, exposed them to STDs, gave them baggage and trust issues for the rest of lives, and did how much more, and you are the prize? Chances are they have to hold their lunch in just to stand being in the same room with you when the fake it in hopes that 5hings just might get better enough to be considered meh.
After WH did ^^^this, I forced myself to take him back (after a few months separation) because keeping our family together was the most important thing to me. WH has made comments like "Well, I came back to you, didn't I?" I am ashamed to admit that I did do the "pick me" dance too. I had to drink several glasses of wine in order to sleep with him again. Thinking about this sickens me.
And he still doesn't get it----to WH, his A was like a little blip----he NEVER brings it up---I am sure that he pretends that it never happened.
I actually did have hope when we first tried to R that our M could be better than ever, but WH has never stepped up to the plate, so we are together but not in R.
Thank God, I am at meh most of the time these days.

Notmine posted 7/7/2019 05:13 AM

Yeah. Right after D-Day, my FWH told me that I "won" as well. Hmmmm. Exactly what did I "win"? A cheating, lying, amoral, cruel, backstabbing prize, that's what. How lucky I was!

deephurt posted 7/7/2019 11:27 AM

I didn’t do the pick me dance. He had literally one second to decide what he wanted or I would have made that decision for him.

However, when ap manages to get wh on the phone (Because she wouldn’t stop calling while he was at work and he couldn’t turn his phone off-apparently). They screamed at each other-apparently and he said to her “your just mad because you lost”
or that’s what he told me he said to it. So I can see that wh did see himself as a prize and did believe that she was upset because he chose me.

Iwasyoungonce posted 7/7/2019 13:33 PM

What theme will I have for my Divorce party when it's done?!!!

If I were your party planner I'd recommend something along the lines of a Kentucky Derby after party where you get the wreath of roses? Or maybe Olympic awards ceremony where you stand on a podium and get a gold medal?

Definitely gotta make it clear that you "won" by getting away from them!

20yrsagoBS posted 7/7/2019 14:50 PM

Ugh, cheaters are NO prize.


Ick

Learningtofly17 posted 7/7/2019 15:01 PM

I remember not long after D day, telling my WH what I thought of his unemployed, married, town whore side piece. His response was “ I get it...you won!” Really? 15 years of being repeatedly exposed to her contaminated bodily fluids! 15 years of being lied to, told I was crazy and just looking for an excuse to leave him! 15 years of living with someone that was too busy for me most of the time! I Won! I’m so thrilled to have finally won! 🤮

Chaos posted 7/7/2019 15:27 PM

“I always told her I’m not leaving my wife and family”

Good. I mean, I thought we established that when we said “I do” but soooooo glad you clears that up for me now 🤢🤮

J707 posted 7/7/2019 16:38 PM

I forgot, after AP dumped stbx twice and she told everyone he went back to college to become a neurosurgeon (he was a bartender) (this one still cracks me up) and new dude was around my kids a few months later. She told me not to harass new dude (because shortly after Dday I was calling stbx on all her lies) and I said "Don't worry, I won't tell him what a Big prize he won"

psychmom posted 7/7/2019 16:47 PM

The dumbness of many WS never ceases to amaze and amuse me. My H pulled this one out of his ass, too, back in the day. "But you WON, Psych! I'm with YOU!" Oh, that did NOT go the way he thought it would!

I think my H understands full well never to utter such bullshit in my presence ever again. But it does make me wonder what makes them say it? I know my H did not think of himself as a prize that I'd won; he was more so thinking that I "won" in the sense that I got to keep him and she was sitting home alone crying in a bowl of cat food or whatever the hell she eats. So maybe he unconsciously thinks of himself as the prize? I don't know. No longer matters, but I set him straight on how wrong those words are and whatever thinking allowed him to think to say them aloud.

If there is a cheater's handbook, someone should definitely add this to a list somewhere.

cancuncrushed posted 7/7/2019 16:49 PM

I sorta did the pick me dance..I didn't beg or cry....I remained silent...I didn't fight...I didn't want to send him into AP arms...I was frozen mostly…I didn't want to rush..

I didn't win anything...I was constantly cheated on...He was very arrogant about it all...he remained with me, because I provided that façade of a happy family...he looked like a great husband and father...while he cheated repeatedly....he was a winner in his mind...he even commented how great I was...meaning....tolerant..

He also stayed, so not to split any monies...everything continued as it was...he didn't count on my feelings changing...he didn't count on me losing all respect for him...he didn't count on me wanting a D...he didn't count on his health becoming a major issue...he wasn't a winner after all...nor was I....this fantasy of his, was destroying all...

I knew what the situation was....he fooled himself. Its amazing to look at what he wanted...the fantasy....

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:50 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

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