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Triggered by waywards out in the wild

Slowlygoingcrazy posted 7/5/2019 22:33 PM

Does anyone else have this issue?

I had a bit of a meltdown today at work. There’s a coworker with terrible boundaries. He complained about his ex wife for years to anyone who would listen. One day out of the blue he claimed he hadn’t had sex for 7 years. Then 6 months later she’s announcing her pregnancy on Facebook. The woman could do nothing right. You know, the regular bullshit.

Fast forward another year and he is living with his girlfriend who he just happened to meet a few weeks after leaving his family. Funny how that works out. Icing on the cake, the OW added me to her social media early on and there are pictures on there from his marital home. Um ok, at least try to be less obvious. Then there was a good 4 months of MC while he was living with OW and lying to his wife about it.

Anyway everyone at work loves him. Most of them actually believe his version of events. Today I overheard my boss talking about how coworker’s ex ruined his life by “taking him to the cleaners” in the divorce. He’s in his 40’s and living with his 20 year old OW, her two dogs, and her 3 cats in a one bedroom basement apartment. Poor guy right?

I was shaking, walked when I walked into the main office area and hissed that he put his wife through hell and he doesn’t deserve a comfortable life at her expense. Then I sort of hid in my office for the rest of the day.

Eeeee

I’ve been pretty good with triggers, but this was just too much. Can anyone relate?

firenze posted 7/5/2019 23:27 PM

About a year ago a guy I work with was telling stories about when he was in his 20s and one of the things he talked about was how there was this woman on his block who was married and he used to go over to her house and have sex with her when her husband would go bar hopping with his friends. They never got caught

Pissed me off something fierce. I told him he was lucky to be breathing and that if he'd been caught, as far as I was concerned that woman's BH would've had every right to end him and I didn't care what the law had to say. He didn't argue, and I've not heard him talk about any escapades with married women since.

ibonnie posted 7/5/2019 23:37 PM

Bless you both for responding.

I think too often, even if they don't agree, people are too concerned about rocking the boat and don't say anything. Also maybe thinking, "not my monkeys, not my circus." But, I think it's important to shut that talk and thinking down fast.

In the early days post d-day, my WH tried to justify his cheating by saying, "all the guys in the locker room talk about their side chicks."

Now he says that, no, actually all the guys in the locker room don't talk about their side chicks, but the ones that do, do so loudly and obnoxiously.

The1stWife posted 7/6/2019 06:54 AM

It’s funny to me how I would meet so many do-workers who complained about their wives/husbands. Lazy or stupid or controlling etc.

And some poor idiot would fall for it - oh the terrible life this poor guy/girl leads and how I am going to “help” him/her. Mind you half of these guys/women drank too much or never went home after work or didn’t want to be bothered with the kids etc.

Losers!!

But yet you would see how people get sucked into their drama willingly and believe it.

Me? I completely disregard the “tale of woe” and the pity story out forth. I wonder what the contributing factors are from the “poor me” spouse.

I was in a Deli a few years back. Guy waiting on line commented on my shirt because it was the colors of a baseball team. We chatted briefly about the team (I am a long time fan) and I heard one of his buddies (40 year old group of guys) say to him “be careful that’s how you met your last wife”.

I immediately got the picture. This guy was a player - married or not - he needed that constant ego boost. Poor wife - she probably has no idea.

Queen posted 7/6/2019 08:38 AM

Something similar happened to me but in social situations. The first one, I didn't say anything. The next day I practiced (in my head) what I would say if ever confronted with that sort of thing again. The next time it happened I was ready. I ended up asking the man why he was still married. His reply was "kids". I asked if his wife knew what he was doing...she didn't...so I told him he should tell her as she probably didn't want to be wasting her life on him. He was clearly taken aback.

I've been messaged on dating sites by married men, too. I do my best to make them sorry they ever thought I might be interested in being someone's "side chick". One man said that he was in a bad marriage. I said, "Your wife is in a bad marriage, too. Get a divorce"

In your situation, I might have said, "The problem with cheaters is they lie. And once you are a known liar, how can you believe anything they say?"

Rideitout posted 7/6/2019 09:46 AM

Now he says that, no, actually all the guys in the locker room don't talk about their side chicks, but the ones that do, do so loudly and obnoxiously.

Take it from someone who's spent a lot of time in locker rooms, and/or the "adult" version of it (corporate politics with all male coworkers).. This is an extremely common topic of discussion around the bar/water cooler. Now, granted, I work in an all male environment and also think that my profession has more than it's share of cheaters (because of the travel and money, 2 potent predictors, IMHO, for a cheating male). But still, I think what your H told you as the "excuse" version is likely closer to the truth than he might want you to now know. And yes, it's not everyone. I didn't talk about it, because I wasn't doing it. But I was an oddity in that group. Still am, I just refrain from going in the "locker room" anymore, because, yeah, it's triggering as hell to hear about the "great BJ he got" when I know, without a shadow of doubt, my WW's AP is out there telling that exact same story.

When you dip your toe in the cheating pool, all "social norms" go out the window. It blows my mind when these women send nude selfies and stuff to these guys (yes, they are passed around often). What are you thinking?! Oh, I know what you're thinking, he's your "boyfriend". Well, he's not, he's married! And the behavior that most men (in my personal experience) display surrounding AP's is NOTHING like what they'd display for a girlfriend. I really think that women have little/no idea that this world exists, and, if they do.. Well, they need their heads examined entering into these "love fueled" affairs that I see discussed on here so often.

Do women (AP's) sit around and show off dick pics from their male AP's? Do they joke about their penis size? Do they play up or joke about their performance in bed? If so, maybe it's an equal world and it's just comprised of a lot of shitty people. But I don't think they do, I think there's a huge gulf between the two sexes here, and one that people need to realize if they are in/contemplating an A.

WhoTheBleep posted 7/6/2019 09:59 AM

I just have to say "waywards out in the wild" is making me chuckle. Like, SI is a zoo. The wayward forum is the tiger sanctuary. The plexiglass partition is the stop sign (you can look, but don't post!). No stop signs allow the caretakers to feed and care for the tigers.

Out in the wild?...holy sh**!!! Run for your lives!!! Or like Queen, hit them with a tranquilizer dart. Or a 2x4.

Sorry for the T/J. I just love the title.

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/6/2019 10:02 AM

Do women (AP's) sit around and show off dick pics from their male AP's? Do they joke about their penis size? Do they play up or joke about their performance in bed?

I have never experienced this. I also haven't cheated or hang around cheaters (that I know of), so it makes sense that I wouldn't.

I had a friend who once made a comment about not seeing the big deal with cheating. If that's what the married person wants to do, who is she to say it's wrong? I sort of weakly disagreed. It was still early months post dday and I didn't want these new friends to know what I was going through. But, I pretty much cut her off as a friend. We chatted at the gym when it was unavoidable, but I stopped going put with her.

Yes, it triggers me. If I hear people talking that way now, I speak up.

silverhopes posted 7/6/2019 11:18 AM

Just wanted to say, for everyone here who spoke up: y'all are awesome! If more people spoke up, it might give a number of cheaters pause. Heck, if even ONE cheater is given pause and then decides to stop, that's a good thing!

I ended up asking the man why he was still married. His reply was "kids". I asked if his wife knew what he was doing...she didn't...so I told him he should tell her as she probably didn't want to be wasting her life on him.

Totally borrowing this!

I don't usually wind up overhearing cheaters "in the wild" - usually it's people I know or my therapists I'm around when the topic arises. I get mad and point out a couple of anecdotes and then rant about the lives ruined (lately it's been the vivid image I have of the next-door neighbor's ex walking down the street sobbing as she was moving out and hugging her, not knowing why they broke up - and now being furious whenever I see the next-door neighbor or my cousin, because I can't get his ex's face out of my head) and then it turns into me hyperventilating and speaking angrish-anguish and whoever is listening sitting there awkwardly... Yeah. Anyway, I like how you said it MUCH better, Queen! Gets the point across.

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