Return to Forum List

Return to General

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Mental Illness

bluelights posted 7/5/2019 11:25 AM

So, my WW told me in between fights she is dealing with a lot lately and that it made her do what she did. Of course, it does not explain or justifies her behaviour, but have you experienced the feeling of knowing that nothing justifies what you went through, but wanting to save your spouse from harming their lives? Does an affair makes someone so caught up on their lies that they become another person entirely?

Chaos posted 7/5/2019 12:34 PM

There is only one reason she cheated - because she wanted to.

There are thousands of ways to cope with the stress of "dealing with a lot". She chose infidelity. And most likely told herself a lot of lies to justify her behavior to herself.

As for saving someone from harming themselves - that is not on you. If that is your fear please get them help. Experts will advise you best on how to do that. 911 or a suicide prevention hotline.

bluelights posted 7/5/2019 12:38 PM

She wont harm herself, I think. I mean, she lied so much to me and was so nasty. Would that be explained by something I cannot see? I do not want her to get hurt. I am hurting a lot with this situation.

[This message edited by bluelights at 12:38 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Chaos posted 7/5/2019 14:20 PM

Would that be explained by something I cannot see?

Yes. A selfish CHOICE. And one dumb ass excuse for that is just as good as another.

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/5/2019 18:40 PM

What Chaos said. Sounds like pretty typical cheater behavior. It's not on you to save her from herself. She needs to do that. Do you have a KISA complex?

Save yourself instead. If she's worth saving, she will follow you and do what she needs to do to make this right.

bluelights posted 7/5/2019 19:21 PM

Save yourself instead. If she's worth saving, she will follow you and do what she needs to do to make this right.

Thank you so much.

I do not want to have hopes, I do not want to be the guy who saves her, but I want to be ok and I want to go back to life as it once was, but I cannot do that now. I want to have a better life, with a lot of love and understanding. A want a life where I can count on people as well as people can count on me. I want to cry when I have too and to be mad with people if they break my heart, to be mad if I found out my W is having an affair while I was so dedicated and holding her so near. This time I feel I could not suffer my suffering, she blamed me and I am suffering from guilt.

I want to trust that 'to be mad' wont make people go away, instead will make them see they have crossed the line with me. I want to stop being blamed for her cheating on me, her sadness and the person she is with me. She is nice with the OP, she is so nice she fucked him.

I want to have energy to work, find work. The OP is richer and better.

I want to feel joy again.

I wish one day she can realise her mistake, she can be able to fix it and I will be glad that my faith did not break. I am broke, but even now I am able to love her. I want to be able to love myself at this moment. One day I want to be appreciated. I ask God everyday to be her the one who will do that.

[This message edited by bluelights at 7:50 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

steadychevy posted 7/5/2019 19:47 PM

Opportunity. Really wanted to. Pretty sure wouldn't get caught. If found out would get through fall out consequence free. Did it.

A standard formula.

ETA: Have you ever had to deal with a lot? Ever have the weight of the world on your shoulders? Ever felt helpless and out of control?

Well, if you did, the first thing you did was rush into another woman's willing arms. Right?

[This message edited by steadychevy at 7:50 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

bluelights posted 7/5/2019 20:01 PM

Actually, to be completely honest, I was the one dealing with a pretty serious kidney disease and went through a lot of pain and hospitals while she was with him and I could not reach her. I did not know though. I lost my job, I was trying to ask her to do stuff for me, but she could not do anything I asked for. I have saved her job when she was ill, I did most of the automatic stuff for her. I never cheated on her / this would be the worse thing I could do to her and myself, so it would NEVER cross my mind and I have had many problems in my life to deal with. I never, ever looked to other people, other women. I thought that problems would make this rather impossible as well. If you love someone, you have problems, why create another? If you love someone, why be with someone else?

[This message edited by bluelights at 8:03 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/5/2019 20:45 PM

My fch turned his back on me at my lowest point and found himself a girlfriend because he couldn't deal with real life. It happens a lot. More typical cheater stuff. She is not special. The OP is not special. Her A was not special. None of this is about you. It's about her brokenness. You can't fix that. Only she can.

That is an excuse, not a reason. What is she doing to find her whys and fix them?

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 8:46 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

bluelights posted 7/5/2019 20:55 PM

That is an excuse, not a reason. What is she doing to find her whys and fix them?

I am crying a lot. She is doing nothing. She is blaming me.

I just wanted hope she would see light. It is very fresh, 6 weeks from Dday. She was not sorry for 1 week, then sorry for a day, then not sorry for 3 weeks, then sorry for an hour, then not sorry again.


Is there hope?

[This message edited by bluelights at 9:22 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 7/6/2019 03:43 AM

If she continues to blame you for her affair then you do not have much hope sadly.

My H blamed me for his Affair. It took me 6 months into reconciliation to get that to stop.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:43 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/6/2019 13:06 PM

Is there hope?

Not with the current situation. Cut your losses and let her go.

keptmyword posted 7/6/2019 15:59 PM

WW told me in between fights she is dealing with a lot lately and that it made her do what she did.

No, it didn't.

Does an affair makes someone so caught up on their lies that they become another person entirely?

No, it doesn't.


Stop wasting your time trying to figure out "why".

That's her responsibility.

In the end, short of a lobotomy, she did it because she wanted to and rationalized away all vows, boundaries, decency, compassion, and morality that most people value because those values protect us and those around us.

anoldlion posted 7/6/2019 20:55 PM

You are still looking for excuses for her doing what she did. You are still clinging to the thought of her. You are never going to get better until you start thinking of yourself and detaching from her. I do wish you well.

Shehawk posted 7/6/2019 21:08 PM

"she did it because she wanted to and rationalized away all vows, boundaries, decency, compassion, and morality that most people value because those values protect us and those around us."


I have to say keptmyword, this is something I wish I had tatood on the inside of my eyelids when I first found things I shouldn't on my cheating husband's cell phone. If it was the first thing I saw when I woke up and the last thing I saw when I went to sleep at night then maybe I would have gotten it and realized he would lie to me even if it killed me (xposure to STDs through his unprotected sex, cheating when I was seriously ill, abandoning me when I was suicidal, leaving me without transportation).


I would add that he did it because it felt good to him and he did not care how it felt to me.

Crushed7 posted 7/7/2019 04:59 AM

So, my WW told me in between fights she is dealing with a lot lately and that it made her do what she did.

Shifting the blame is wayward behavior. Whether to the BS, to their situation, to the AP, to their upbringing, etc., it is all an attempt to avoid owning up to taking responsibility and to see if the BS will buy into the excuse.

have you experienced the feeling of knowing that nothing justifies what you went through, but wanting to save your spouse from harming their lives

Yes, I have and it only makes things worse. It buys into the lie that the WS isn't ultimately responsible for what they did and, further, that it is just a matter of helping them. The reality is that the WS is the only person who has the ability to own up to what they did and to do the work to change.

Whether your WS has some form of mental illness or not, buying into the thought that it is on you to save her because she is "sick" is one sure way to enable her wayward patterns and to cause yourself more pain.

Return to Forum List

Return to General

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy