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So confused. Donít know what to do.

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Talon2019 posted 7/3/2019 21:57 PM

Itís been one month since I found out about the A. One week since I kicked him out and he went to stay with her. I thought I was resolved to file for D ASAP. But then he came over tonight to grab s couple of things and see the dog (Iíve been out of town for a bit.). And he was remorseful and said he wants to come home. I asked him what that would look like (hoping heíd talk about steps he is willing to take to fix this), and he said he didnít know. So I said no. And he left after a bit more talking. Now weíve been texting all night and he says he needs time to think and decide if he can be the man I deserve and to figure out how to break things off with her. On top of all that, if I do take him back and try to R, my family and friends are a whole new issue. I went to stay with family during all this pain and they hate his guts now. I donít think theyíd ever understand and I would likely lose family over this. I am so conflicted. I still love him. And I donít know if he can take the steps needed, and I donít know if my family would forgive me if I allowed him to try. But a huge part of me wants him to come home and work at this. I just donít know what to do! And how much time does he need??? I canít just sit here and wait. Itís killing me. I thought I was good, I thought I was done. This is crazy.

The1stWife posted 7/3/2019 22:20 PM

One month. Painful every day.

It may be too soon to decide whether to divorce or Reconcile.

I suggest you find a counselor to support you during this difficult time. It will help you to process the trauma you have been hit with.

Keep posting here as you will get great advice and support.

anoldlion posted 7/3/2019 22:21 PM

You have to ask yourself some questions. Do you love him enough and is it worth the turmoil, the lack of trust, the always living with the knowledge of his infidelity, wondering if it will happen again, having to deal with your family who hates him. He is keeping you on a string as he "thinks" about what he wants to do. Now is the time for you to think about your life, your happiness, and what you want. How long have you been married. If it's less than 10 years then I would tell you that there is a man out there that will love you and be the man you deserve. You just have to find him. The one you have now is broken and you know what he is capable of doing. I do wish you well.

Talon2019 posted 7/3/2019 22:24 PM

Weíve been married almost 13 years, together for 17. We were 19 when we met. Itís pretty painful and scary to think about life without him... but I was doing just that and getting stronger. Until tonight. Ugh.

still-living posted 7/3/2019 22:43 PM

and see the dog

Sounds like you don't have any kids which makes this a whole different ball game IMO. Through this turmoil, let your logical mind be your guide, similar to what your friends and family are thinking. He needs to earn back your trust. You are in love with the person you thought he was. It's time to learn who he really is.

ChamomileTea posted 7/3/2019 23:06 PM

... he says he needs time to think and decide if he can be the man I deserve and to figure out how to break things off with her

He's telling you he's not sure what he could do to make R work, but don't you think that if he was making a serious offer the first thing he'd come up with is to STOP CHEATING? That kind of seems a bit rudimentary to the process, right? So, kudos to you for turning down a bad offer. Well done.

"Time to think" is typically not about thinking. It's about test driving the OW while you do your prettiest "pick-me polka" from the sidelines. I'm sorry to be so blunt. I know it's hard to hear and I know what an emotionally painful position you're in. But if this guy can't come to you in good faith, having ALREADY dumped his side-piece, he's not placing enough value on you.

You are NOT an option. You are his wife. What does he expect you to do?.. break up with his girlfriend for him? Don't you deserve more man than that, after 17 years of loving commitment? He's going to be the one to decide whether 'he can be the man you deserve'??? Nope. It's up to YOU to decide what's good enough for you.

I know you're scared. Hell, we've all been there. But even if he dumped her today and came back, the road to recovery is a long one. He's got to be willing to work his ass off, to do whatever it takes. Per your other posts, he's a serial cheater. So, it's not just a coworker affair to unpack where boundaries got broken and emotions got involved. Serial cheating goes deeper than that; entitlement, self-esteem, early childhood development, FOO issues, personality disorders, etc. He's not ready to work if he's not even dumped the OW yet.

My advice would be to continue maintaining your boundaries. If your WH comes to you hat in hand, ready to do the hard work ahead, you'll know it. Trust yourself.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 11:07 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

anoldlion posted 7/3/2019 23:21 PM

Married 13 years, I still say there is a man out there that will love you and be the man you deserve. The one you have now is broken. He not only cheated on you but left you to live with another woman. After 13 years of marriage and 17 years together, what is it he has to think about. After all this time there is something very broken if he now has to decide if he can be the man you deserve. You have to decide what you want and what will make you happy. You are at a perfect age. I figure you are about 36. That's a good age. When I was 36 I felt like I had the world by the tail. I was young enough to enjoy my life to the fullest and old enough to know what would screw it up. Only you can decide what path in life you want to take. I do wish you well.

changeneeded posted 7/3/2019 23:42 PM

I personally think that if you lose family members over you taking him back... it's an issue in itself. While they are sticking up for you and protecting you, it's one thing, but for them to quit speaking to and seeing you... that's not right.

Him saying " he want's to be the man you deserve, IMO is another way of manipulating, he still isn't sure what he wants.

I hope the best for you.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/4/2019 00:59 AM

And how much time does he need???

None.
Cheaters are not ďgivenĒ time to continue to cheat. By allowing them time you are merely engaging in the pick me dance.
If he doesnít pick YOU from the onset tell him to pack his s**t and get out.
On dday I told my WH that if he didnít like life with me he could pack his s**t and get the f**k out. I also told him I didnít give a s**t if he lived or died and that I was leaving the State with or
without him. 9 years later he is still here.
Allowing him to guide the ship is a mistake. Try not to let fear paralyze you. You are stronger than you feel right now.

ShutterHappy posted 7/4/2019 04:04 AM

At the beginning, most Betrayed feel the same way. We had had an happy life, a stable home, and it all comes down crashing in an instant. Then our first reflex is that we want all that to go away, and go back to the old normal.

Give yourself some time. Minimize contact for now and take care of yourself. When you recover, it will be easier to decide if you want to R or D.

I agree with ChamomileTea that, right now, heís not R material. He may or may not ďget itĒ in the future, but for now, you have to focus on your healing.

Talon2019 posted 7/4/2019 10:29 AM

We continued to communicate via text last night. I think he is planning to leave her. His problem is that they work for the same company, and he is concerned about the fallout at work if she flips out. They work at different locations now, he got a promotion and transfer this week. She was his boss previously. His other concern is that he had taken a lot of his stuff to her place bc he thought I was resolved to never let him come home, so he has some valuables that he feels he needs to get out before he lets her know they are through. I feel weird about all of that. If he wanted to come home and R, would any of that matter? He went dark last night when she got home and stopped replying to my texts. It kind of bothers me that he is being dishonest with her... or me.... or both of us. I was pretty set on filing for divorce next week, and now Iím waivering because there is a slight chance of R. I have been clear that I canít promise R; if he comes home, my initial boundary is that he stay in the guest room while he works on himself and until I believe he is sincere. I just donít trust him; I think he is realizing how hard life is without me (I make 4x his income), and me taking care of him. He even said last night ďI think she is just playing house. She doesnít know how to take care of me the way you do.Ē

Talon2019 posted 7/4/2019 10:44 AM

Oh. I feel like I should also mention, he said they have no sex. That he is just sad all the time, having panic attacks, and she leaves the apartment without saying where she is going. He doesnít trust her supposedly (surprise surprise). He goes to bed sad, wakes up often thinking it should be me next to him, and wakes up in the morning feeling shame and guilt and wanting to find a way to fix it. He says he hadnít asked to come home until now because he didnít think it was an option on the table. But he finally had to ask because he couldnít stand it anymore.

I donít know if any of that is true. And sex or no sex, he is still sharing a bed with her and not coming home... right? He is so good at messing with my head.

ShutterHappy posted 7/4/2019 10:49 AM

None of this is your problem.

So heís lying to you and to his GF and talks to you whenever he has free time away from his GF and you are considering R? Why?

fareast posted 7/4/2019 10:57 AM

Talon2019:

Please try to step back and look at this. He is now feeling the repercussions of his rash and immoral actions. He is sad! She doesnít take care of him like you do! Itís all about him donít you see. A truly remorseful WS is humble and concerned most of all about the pain you are suffering as a result of his actions, rather than his own situation.

Now, I am not saying he can not get to a point of being remorseful. With IC and a lot of work on himself itís a possibility. But right now it just sounds like he regrets his stupid decision to cheat. True remorse requires empathy for you and less concern with his own guilt and shame.

You are in control. Take your time to decide what you want. You will know if he becomes defensive, blameshifting, and is unwilling to deal with the havoc he caused. It takes real courage for a WS to acknowledge and deal with their own brokenness. Good luck.

Talon2019 posted 7/4/2019 11:17 AM

Thanks for the perspective everyone. You are helping me realize this is still about him, and whatís convenient for him. He still isnít considering what kind of torture it must be for me to sit here and let him decide what he wants to do while he carries on with his GF. I am going to let this go for now hopefully. I will let him know he doesnít get to come home. I know itís not completely off the table, but you are all correct: he doesnít get it.

ibonnie posted 7/4/2019 11:46 AM

Now weíve been texting all night and he says he needs time to think and decide if he can be the man I deserve and to figure out how to break things off with her.

My WH ended his A, and his AP physically assaulted him. A few days later she came to see him at work because she needed to ask him in person to forward her an email. (Yeah, right. ) A few days after that, she texted him, "happy birthday." I freaked out and demanded he text her back, "I'm sorry for what happened, please don't contact me again." Which he did, although he was nervous about her response, which was... to immediately call him. I answered. She started threatening me, so he took the phone to defend me, and she started screaming so loud I could hear everything she was saying, even though she wasn't on speaker phone -- he said he loved her and her daughter (side note: WH was 30, AP 40, her daughter was 20), he couldn't just say that he loved them and leave him, she was going to find him at work, I wasn't going to win this "game."

There was more, but every time my WH's response was, "what happened was wrong, and I want to fix things with my wife and family," and then just stop responding. It took a few weeks and a transfer for her to get the hint.

On top of all that, if I do take him back and try to R, my family and friends are a whole new issue. I went to stay with family during all this pain and they hate his guts now. I donít think theyíd ever understand and I would likely lose family over this. I am so conflicted. I still love him. And I donít know if he can take the steps needed, and I donít know if my family would forgive me if I allowed him to try.

You don't take him back immediately. You make sure he's working on himself and is a partner you deserve. You assure your family you're taking things slow and you wouldn't be giving him a chance if you didn't see changes. And he needs to understand that he deserve for your family to not trust or like him very much right now and that he needs to make amends with them, as well, and also accept they might not forgive him for a very long time, if ever.

Talon2019 posted 7/4/2019 11:59 AM

I just called him and told him that he still isnít considering my feelings, my pain. And that he doesnít get to just sit and ďdecideĒ while I wait at home wondering whatís going to happen next. I told him this situation is now about me and what I want. And if he wants to come home he does it now. Today. And we begin the work. He said he canít do that. That he has ďmade his bed.Ē So I guess there is my answer. Back to being done and moving on with my life. A part of me is very sad again... but I cannot sit here just waiting for him to make up his mind. I am not a second choice.

Talon2019 posted 7/4/2019 12:03 PM

I also told him that if he misses the way I ďtook care of him,Ē that is not a reason to come home. I told him I will no longer be the wife that buried her own needs in a deep dark hole just to try and make him happy and content. I think that helped put the nail in the coffin, because he doesnít really miss me... he just misses my CoD.

Talon2019 posted 7/4/2019 12:11 PM

ibonnie, I always appreciate when you share your story. I do believe this girl is unstable, and he is afraid of the fallout and thatís why he was asking for time... but he also hadnít considered how it would make me feel for him to continue to stay in her apartment while he decides. I just canít deal with that. He doesnít have the means to stay in a hotel or get his own apartment... I mean, Iíve made it pretty clear that if he breaks things off with her, he has a place to stay. So to me, it seems like a no-brainer if he really wants to try to fix this. He is still being a cake-eater. So my answer is no... he doesnít get time to decide. He doesnít get to come home at his leisure at the expense of my feelings and needs.

fareast posted 7/4/2019 12:12 PM

I am very sorry to read this, but now you have the closure. You know where he stands. The most important thing for you to heal and move on is no contact. No contact equals no new hurts. Start doing things for you. Get out with people. Get to the gym or spa. Pursue your interests. Of course there will be a grieving period for your M but it becomes easier with time and activity. Correspond by email only on finances and D process. Learn this phrase: ďIím sorry you feel that way.Ē Use it often. Do not engage. It will only set you back. He fired you from caring about his life.

It sounds like your family firmly supports you. Good!
It also sounds like you are financially okay. Get into IC to help you cope. Find a shark lawyer to protect your interests as you divide marital assets. Remember, the best revenge is a life well lived. Good luck.

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