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two weeks after D-day

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NoOptTo posted 7/16/2019 18:56 PM

Please dont be like most men. If you are entitled to support from your STBXWW, make sure you get it. Your children will only grow older. A d , their toys a d hobbies more expensive. Make sure you include language about paying for children's college in the D decree.

SorrowfulMoon posted 7/16/2019 20:47 PM

I'll continue to do the 180. Not sure how long I want to wait for her to wake up. Maybe she never will.

You seemed to be moving on from this position, well done. The 180 is to help you find your feet after betrayal, not to win the WS back. You seem to now understand that.

Continue to detach for you own health and your children's welfare. You are the prize in this marriage. She is just plain selfish bordering pathetic.

Butforthegrace posted 7/17/2019 05:08 AM

I agree with NotOptTo: if her income is higher than yours and you have a right to spousal support and/or child support, assert those rights.

Also, if your state is a state where adultery can be a factor in a divorce, use it.

Your thread is somewhat remarkable here on SI in that it has gone from zero to divorce in just a few weeks, with no signs of the WW crying or asking for forgiveness or trying to pussy-bomb you into staying in the marriage. Sounds like hers was a classic exit affair. Did you have any sense that she wanted out of the marriage? Have there been signs? In hindsight, would you have done anything differently?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:09 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

mrnicehockeyguy posted 7/17/2019 12:07 PM

Well,

Last year I made slightly more than her, probably will this year too. However, my job has a base salary that is less than hers, but I get bonuses and the last couple years have been good. I do not feel aggressive enough to push that. 50/50 finances on the children is my preference. Other than that, ww can have hers, and I will keep mine.

I am not sure this was an exit A. I don't think she ever considered what would happen if she got caught. She said she never wanted to do this. She tried to stop it a couple times, but he manipulated her to continue.

I did not have any sense that she wanted out of the marriage. She had been saying the last couple of months that she "was bored of her life" and that "only you can make yourself happy". The only signs I noticed was the lack of affection towards me and the decrease in intimacy, obviously during the A.

In hindsight, after she mentioned to me, maybe I could have verbally told her I loved her more often. I could have said yes to more things that she wanted to do such as vacations, etc but I was trying to be practical and finish our new house, save for kids college, save for retirement, etc. I guess we also did not have enough date nights without the kids.

I know that I am not to blame, there is no excuse for her actions, and if she was having difficulty in the M, then she should done something differently instead of indulge herself with an A.

I'm still riding a rollercoaster of emotion = from sad, to fine, to disappointed, to accepting, to indifferent, to worried about my kids, to upbeat about future possibilities and on and on.

LivingWithPain posted 7/17/2019 12:08 PM

The WW and I are only talking about kids and household topics and barely that.

I called the lawyer and told her to draw up divorce paperwork and to let me know what documents are needed. I calculated that I can afford to stay in the house without her financially.

I've talked to the OBS and we both think that WW and OM deserve each other and should go for it.

I had another IC session, have still been eating healthy, exercising and taking care of business at work and home.

I'm beginning to envision a new life in my future...

Concentrate on numbers 12, 13, 14, 27 and 28 of the 180. The parts that deal with self improvement and emotional independence.

LivingWithPain posted 7/17/2019 12:12 PM

In hindsight, after she mentioned to me, maybe I could have verbally told her I loved her more often. I could have said yes to more things that she wanted to do such as vacations, etc but I was trying to be practical and finish our new house, save for kids college, save for retirement, etc. I guess we also did not have enough date nights without the kids.

I know that I am not to blame, there is no excuse for her actions, and if she was having difficulty in the M, then she should done something differently instead of indulge herself with an A.

You did nothing to deserve what she did. She did what she did because she wanted to; because she lacks personal boundaries, and because she is an attention seeker. She craved the attention from the OM and did whatever she could to get more of it.

She's a dumbass and a fool, because once he tires of her she will be tossed aside. It is so sad, and yet we see it happening more and more every day. We live in a world where people just don't give a f*ck about themselves or the ones they claim to love.

mrnicehockeyguy posted 7/17/2019 12:13 PM

Also, I do want to mention that while I felt good about telling the OBS, I now sometimes can't help but feel a little guilty.

The OM is apparently trying very hard for her and the M. He is still lying, trick trothing, gas lighting, trying to rugsweep, and all the other typical stuff. However, at least he is trying. She now has a decision.

On the other hand, my ww after I informed her of me telling the OBS, reacted the opposite and declared she wanted D. Period. It's been almost a week since that and she seems to have made that choice. I was leaving a small hope of R, but that is doubtful now. She has an IC appt tonight.

Not sure what her family and friends are advising her to do.

I guess I am wondering if it was worth it? If the OM becomes a better husband and father and they stay together, but my marriage ends in D, should I have not told the OBS and waited for WW to come around? Would she have?

survrus posted 7/17/2019 12:29 PM

MNHG,

If you WW believes the OMW should have been kept in the dark, then she is not recovery material.

I think your WW is most upset because you destroyed the possibility of the affair starting up again since the sunlight of exposure is killing it dead.

If she is divorcing you now it is saving you the pain of it happening a year or five years from now.

The pain your WW caused the other wife and children is an earned consequence of her actions.

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/17/2019 12:35 PM


I guess I am wondering if it was worth it? If the OM becomes a better husband and father and they stay together, but my marriage ends in D, should I have not told the OBS and waited for WW to come around? Would she have?

Go back to your first post. Where you said that she called up the OM to see what he said before she could decide...that is one of the coldest things I have seen on SI. Then after it all comes out she doubles down and wants a D.

Now that the OM is supposedly working with / manipulating his BS your WW is still looking to get out of the M.
You will not be able to win her back, nor should you try. Maybe there is some hope for an R but not right now when she has been discarded by the OM. IF R is possible she needs to realize that you and the kids are the prize not her, it's up to you to decide if her cheating and putting the OM and the A ahead of her family and M was her true desire or some aberration that in time you can get thru.

Take some time practice the 180 , Be better for you and the kids. Work towards the D, file the papers, you can stop the process at any time if you decide to R, if not the D will be in process.

Hang in there, you are on a tough road, but you will get thru this and she will always be your kid's mom.


Edit to add- I bet most of her friends and family are telling her get her head out of her ass and repair the damage she has done...will she listen? Probably not for a while. But maybe. Then the question is, will you accept her coming back...?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:37 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 7/17/2019 12:37 PM

I am not sure this was an exit A. I don't think she ever considered what would happen if she got caught. She said she never wanted to do this. She tried to stop it a couple times, but he manipulated her to continue.

The truth is she made a very willing and conscious decision. OM was only taking what she was willingly giving.

Affairs don't just happen plus all the planning, time and effort she put into this tells you what you need to know.

Her words and excuses are meaningless when you look at her choices/actions.

Marz posted 7/17/2019 12:40 PM

Also, I do want to mention that while I felt good about telling the OBS, I now sometimes can't help but feel a little guilty.

Why? Would you want to be kept in the dark? Plus you didn't do this. All you did was inform her of the truth.

The OM is apparently trying very hard for her and the M. He is still lying, trick trothing, gas lighting, trying to rugsweep, and all the other typical stuff. However, at least he is trying. She now has a decision.

Send her a link to SI

Marz posted 7/17/2019 12:44 PM

I guess I am wondering if it was worth it? If the OM becomes a better husband and father and they stay together, but my marriage ends in D, should I have not told the OBS and waited for WW to come around? Would she have?

There is no work on a marriage in an active affair.

If your exposure pushed her to divorce there was no marriage to R anyway.

What you've done is secure a future. Something you didn't have with your wayward wife.

Clarity will come quickly now even though you can't see it at this time.

Stevesn posted 7/17/2019 12:53 PM

I would think it completely best you know how your WW reacts when everyone has full information about what she and the AP have done. Only then do you see their true selves.

Her reaction could have been you were right to tell her, I screwed this up, you did nothing wrong. Instead she totally blame shift to you.

That said there have been many WWs who after going down the path of D have shown up at the BSs door asking if they can pause the D process and see if they can repair what they have done.

If that happens its probably best that you prepare for how you would react, if it would be a possibility for you and under what conditions would you take the time to try and work on the M.

Im not saying you should. Im just saying you should think out if you could and if so, what you would require from her.

I wish you strength.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:54 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

ChamomileTea posted 7/17/2019 12:54 PM

I guess I am wondering if it was worth it? If the OM becomes a better husband and father and they stay together, but my marriage ends in D, should I have not told the OBS and waited for WW to come around? Would she have?

Think about what your WW's reaction to exposure has revealed to you. Either she was angry because the OBS's awareness caused the OM to fly back to his marriage, or she's genuinely pissed off that you "betrayed her trust". Maybe a combination of both. What it tells you for certain though is that she's NOT SORRY and she doesn't view you as her equal. Otherwise, she'd see clearly that her betrayal of your trust was the greater offense. Instead, she's so self-centered that she doesn't even see the magnitude of what she's done. This is like comparing a gunshot wound to a paper cut. Does she not have enough empathy for other human beings to see that the telling of a truth isn't comparable to the ACTION it speaks of?

So, no. I don't think your chances were better if you had agreed to hide her dirt for her. I think she would still be abusing you and you'd be an unhappy accomplice to her perfidy.

I'm in R myself, married more than 35 years. My WH went on an almost year-long Craigslist bender; multiple partners, varying degrees of emotional attachment. Dday was over four years ago. So, I can tell you that R is hard. It takes TWO committed, willing partners, and there are certain benchmarks that the WS absolutely MUST meet. They've got to be truly remorseful. They've got to commit to NC and be willing to prove it without throwing hissy fits. They've got to admit their flaws, talk about it with their partner, be honnst, and work very hard to repair their character. It's brutally introspective work, and "sorry, not sorry" just won't cut it. Rugsweeping leads almost inexorably to False R, whereby the WS either cheats again or just makes your ass miserable in perpetuity because you've thwarted their whims. These are people who desperately need to get over themselves, and who need to learn to be accountable to their own stated values. They don't do that when they're mollified.

Honestly, I don't believe you've lost anything that wasn't already gone. And frankly, it's only been a week. It's still possible for her to pull her head out of her ass. Time will tell.

Strength to you.

ItsNotMe posted 7/17/2019 12:55 PM

It all seems pretty clear if you step back and look at it. She had decided she wanted out of the marriage before you caught her. Her priority is the OM. She was staying with you to protect the OM from being exposed. To protect his marriage, She didn't care about her marriage at all. Once you exposed to OBS she had no reason to stay. She never wanted to stay, she was willing to sacrifice herself and stay with you in order to protect her AP. By exposing you took away her reason to stay, but, did you really want her to stay with you when she really wants him?

You did the right thing by exposing. You not only expose the A to the OBS, but you also exposed your WW's true intent. The truth is that you saved yourself by exposing. Being married to someone who really wants someone else does not make for a happy marriage.

I know you are hurting, but you will be better than ok in the long run. Hang in there and follow the course.

Freeme posted 7/17/2019 12:58 PM

I guess I am wondering if it was worth it? If the OM becomes a better husband and father and they stay together, but my marriage ends in D, should I have not told the OBS and waited for WW to come around? Would she have?
I'm divorcing you because you told the OBS is a lie many WW tell. When the OM throws them under the bus so that they can save their marriage they want to blame someone. They shoot the messenger. She wasn't going to get out of the fog, she was poised to continue the fantasy until OM stopped it and it would have gone on much longer with you in limbo, hoping, and numerous D-days. OM throwing your WW under the bus and working on his marriage while you do the 180 is exactly what you want to happen. She will have gone from two men fighting over her to zero.

Butforthegrace posted 7/17/2019 13:16 PM

What ChamomileTea said is spot on. The fact that she is upset over you telling the BOW is a giant exclamation point and underscore for the fact that she is not a candidate for R with you.

And what Trents says below. OBS is looking at the possibility of trying R with a lying cheating asshole. What a treat. R can take years, and even after all of that effort and pain it might fail.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 1:51 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Tren0R201 posted 7/17/2019 13:36 PM

You're acting like the obs has won a prize. At least you see your wife for what she now is. She hasn't lied to you in the sense that she is outwardly showing her contempt and disrespect for you.

The OM may have his reasons for staying, be it money, his life, etc etc, even if he never cheats and is good as gold, he is still a cheat. The stigma may fade away but it will always be there.

You have a chance to start again. Looks like a win to me.

goalong posted 7/17/2019 13:58 PM

Also, I do want to mention that while I felt good about telling the OBS, I now sometimes can't help but feel a little guilty....

A WS that get angry and depart has no emotional and loving feeling for BS. Actually it is a good test to check whether WS loves BS. A remorseful WS (although s/he may not like it )will accept it as a outcome of his/her actions. So even if you R, you have to be concern whether it is a R of convenience (unless you do not mind it for your own reasons)

[This message edited by goalong at 2:00 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

LivingWithPain posted 7/17/2019 17:34 PM

You did the morally responsible thing telling the OBS of the affair.

Sometimes doing what is morally right costs you. In your case you have gained. Your wife's response has shown you very clearly where you and the marriage stand with her.

She is doing you a favor by wanting divorce. Take her up on it, stop feeling guilty, and go on with your life knowing you made the right choices.

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