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two weeks after D-day

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NewLife1973 posted 7/12/2019 11:35 AM

Next step file. Give her what she wants. She will either come out of the fog or go down in flames.

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/12/2019 11:58 AM

Chamomile Tea has the right idea. Step back and observe.
Your WW is in the panic mode, you need to be in the calm mode don't reflect her craziness. She is looking to put all the parts back together of the A, totally ignoring the M is falling down too. POSOM has turned his back on her (for now).

Keep your cool, take the kid places without inviting your W. "Hey, WW the kids and I are going to to see Toy Story4 we'll be back at 6." "Or we are going out to the mall back around 3" Let her get used to you moving out of infidelity.
She resigned from the W position, time to get used to taking charge to keep your kids happy.

Download the divorce forms from the county. Start to fill them out. No need to hide them. 85% chance she will accuse you of wanting to end the marriage when in reality she already walked away from it. Either way it'll work out. If D you have a good head start, if it shakes her back to R then she will need to win you and the family back. My thought is that when the smoke clears she will realize how much she fucked up. But is may be too late.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:01 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

fareast posted 7/12/2019 13:27 PM

I agree. ChamomileTea has given you great advice. Start living your life without her. No contact. Be the stable parent for your kids.

[This message edited by fareast at 11:06 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

mrnicehockeyguy posted 7/12/2019 15:07 PM

All, thanks for the concern and messages.

The MIL and my stepFIL are being supportive. They know WW needs help.

I am doing okay. Eating enough. Sleeping enough. Getting some exercise. Going to try to schedule a busy weekend with the kids with a hike, riding tubes down the river, and maybe a trip to the local pool too.

WW spent the night at the hotel. Is stopping by the house to get more clothes and staying the night at her fathers house. (he was a cheater too and is still married 25 yrs to one of his OW)

WW is worried now because I friended on Facebook like two dozen of her coworkers. I want to be nice, but if she is mean, then I will post the truth, tag both of them (since he is also one of my Facebook "friends") and let everyone they work with know the truth. I know the most important thing to her right now is her job, so I hope that enough of a deterrent for her to try to pull herself together if not for herself, then at least for our kids.

I have already met with an attorney for an initial consultation, so at a moments notice, I am ready to contact her to begin working up D papers if that is what I chose to do.

Thanks for the advice. I feel that I am an emotionally tough bastard, so I will get through all of this and come out on the other end better.

HellFire posted 7/12/2019 15:29 PM

You need to get a var. Carry it on you at all times. She will need to make you the bad guy,and justify her behavior. Wayward wives are notorious for calling the police, and claiming domestic violence. You need to protect yourself

ShutterHappy posted 7/12/2019 15:36 PM

You probably don’t want her to lose her job, at least until the D is finalized. Talk to your lawyer.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:37 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

Marz posted 7/12/2019 15:54 PM

Under your circumstances be carefull with exposure.

If this goes to D your inlaws reaction may not be logical. She is their daughter and you working for her step father puts you in a precarious position

fareast posted 7/12/2019 16:03 PM

You have an excellent attitude, but be smart and be careful. She will have to demonize you to justify her actions to her parents and others. Be vigilant. You’ve received great advice. You and your kids will get through this and move ahead. Good luck.

Bigheart2018 posted 7/12/2019 16:45 PM

Dear mrnicehockeyguy,

You are doing a wonderful job in maintaining your composure. I want you to remember, we here at SI are only given you our opinion, and nothing more. At the end of the day, it is your decision to either totally expose your WW or to do it as some degree. We are not given you legal advice based on the rule of law. There are some of us who have practiced law but must recommend you to seek an attorney (in that area of expertise) for any legal advice. As far as your WW losing her job if exposed; your attorney can refer to some case law.

Best,
Bigheart

ChamomileTea posted 7/12/2019 19:12 PM

WW is worried now because I friended on Facebook like two dozen of her coworkers. I want to be nice, but if she is mean, then I will post the truth, tag both of them (since he is also one of my Facebook "friends") and let everyone they work with know the truth. I know the most important thing to her right now is her job, so I hope that enough of a deterrent for her to try to pull herself together if not for herself, then at least for our kids.

Be careful with that. For some reason that I don't really understand, the optics always look bad when we expose on/through social media. Instead of sympathy for our situation and pressure applied to the WS, we end up being viewed as histrionic and even crazy. The WS flips the script and claims we're "controlling" and the poor optics of the mass exposure appears to bear out their story. Also, be extremely cautious not to use any pressure which can be construed as extortion, particularly not in writing. This kind of thing will look very bad if you end up in a court setting.

In terms of exposing at work... it's a mixed bag. If your WW loses her job and you end up divorcing, you could be on the hook for a significant increase in spousal support. Also, there's the OBS to consider. If her WH gets fired, she's looking at less for supporting her kids and could end up paying him alimony depending on what she makes. A better course might be to wait it out until you're pretty sure what direction you want to take. If you get into recovery, you can always insist that she find something else as a condition of R. That said, there's also a case to be made for exposure based on the possibility that they might both decide to leave home and move in together. If fraternization is a firing offense and they both get fired, they'd either have to stay at home until they secured new employment, or... clean out half the bank accounts and hope they find work.

So, you can see it's all up in the air, and the safest course of action is to probably sit back and wait a bit. I'll be honest, I only exposed to the people I needed for my support network, and even then, after some time had gone by, I kind of regretted some of those people knowing my business.

steadychevy posted 7/12/2019 19:24 PM

Why do you need to contact her to start working up divorce papers? Just get them prepared and have her served. Where I live I couldn't serve them myself so needed a process server to do so. You prepare the documents, get them approved by clerks at the court and have them served. It's a notice of intent to D. Do it without warning her.

TheGuy123 posted 7/12/2019 20:55 PM

Regardless how you manage the paper work with your lawyer .....it is a lesson to all betrayed how impowering it feels to at the very least consult with a lawyer.

It's a tough step, put one that will...in a small way... help get us moving forward after the shyt we dealt with after D-day.

Having been through this and being on these forums for a while...every betrayed has a sense of control after consulting the right lawyer!

A good example on why we all reply to every thread with " CONSULT A LAWYER"!

If anything it is a step that helps you emotionally even if one is still on the fence about dealing with their wayward.

That's my $0.02

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:58 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

TheGuy123 posted 7/12/2019 21:30 PM

Have you talked about the division of assets with your old lady?

"pulling the trigger" is easier said then done. Your lawyer will want a bunch of document that go back years....in which will take you days to dig up.

My suggestion is you ask your lawyer what she will need from you, so you can start digging!

steadychevy has a point. Regards to getting the paper work together and have it stored in your lawery's desk drawer.....even if it's stored in the bottom of that drawer/in the back of said drawer...a move that will literally mean "pulling the trigger"?

As the saying goes "prepare for the worst and hope for the best"!

In short....take that consultation with the lawyer one step further and put the paper work together and then set your self up in a holding pattern.

Only then can you say "PULL THE TRIGGER"!!!!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 9:32 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

k8la posted 7/12/2019 21:59 PM

The ONLY reason to expose at work is one you don't have. You have an unremorseful spouse who you are divorcing. If she was at all a candidate for reconciliation and just needed a nudge to get her to go no contact, then exposure at work would be warranted.

You must look after your personal financial interests, and her employment is your best reduction of liability you have. Let them have each other. Let them think they won. While you work out the best possible divorce settlement for your silence. There are better women out there.

MickeyBill2016 posted 7/13/2019 12:17 PM

Like a lot of things, it depends.
From what I have been told by a friend who works in the Miami-Dade courts if there is a specific $ that someone has to pay and the payee(?) loses their job for a reason like banging co workers the payer is not usually obligated to make up the difference. But there could be extenuating circumstances for a temp change in $ like child support.
She has told plenty of people looking for an increase in $ to go get another job, and on other side if the payer loses their job she will tell them to go get another one as they are obligated to pay X $ every month rain or shine.

Otherwise there would be a lot more people either working under the table to avoid paying their alimony or people not working at all to increase the alimony.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:18 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

mrnicehockeyguy posted 7/13/2019 21:15 PM

Today's update:

After 48 hours, WW is still super mad that I broke her trust by telling OBS.

WW said again she hates me, wants D.

I'm not leaving my children, so she can move out.

I offered to lease her an apartment, but she said, we're going to get D. So, I guess I'll buy her out of the house. And serve her D papers.

Funny thing is I talked with the OBS again and we are so similar and get along so well...

ChamomileTea posted 7/13/2019 21:40 PM

After 48 hours, WW is still super mad that I broke her trust by telling OBS.

It's amazing how the WS mind works. When you think about it, she's squalling that you "broke her trust" and throwing a giant hissy-fit.... after she's been screwing a co-worker behind your back for nearly a year. Honestly, the disconnect is mind-boggling, and yet it's typical cheater-speak.

If I were to hazard a guess, her current objective is probably to see what's panning out for the OM and if he's still an option. Not that cheater's don't get genuinely miffed when they're losing control of the narrative, but being away from home is also away from prying eyes. Maybe I'm cynical, but in your opening post, you said she'd called him first. If the OBS were to offer the OM a little false hope just now, he might just throw your WW back under the bus.

That said, she's given you every cause to just be done with her. I'd be calling attorneys first thing Monday morning no matter what my inclinations were toward R or D. Knowledge is power. And honestly, I wouldn't be offering her money for apartments or any kind of solutions until after I'd had the big picture.


ETA: Oh, and if she throws that "broken trust" bullshit your way again, don't apologize. Instead, you tell her that "broken trust" is fucking a coworker for a year. It's best to stay in the one-up position when she's jockeying for power. She's disrespected you for a long time. You don't have to put up with that anymore, and in the event of possible R, it's going to become very important that she begin truly respecting you.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 9:52 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]

fareast posted 7/13/2019 22:17 PM

This^^^^^^^! She’s throwing around phrases like broken trust when she’s been lying, sneaking, deceitful to the man she vowed to honor and cherish, and fucking another man behind your back as well. Takes a lot of gall doesn’t it?🙄

I really, really hope you remind her of what “broken trust” really looks like. Good luck!

k8la posted 7/13/2019 23:03 PM

When she's sober (she's drunk on rage right now), ask her why OBS doesn't have the right to know the truth about her marriage and her life?

Butforthegrace posted 7/13/2019 23:18 PM

WW is still super mad that I broke her trust by telling OBS.

Broke her trust? Seriously? She fucks another man behind your back, lies to you, denies sex to you, utterly disrespects your marriage, with another married man, thereby also pissing all over his BOW, and somehow you owe her some type of "trust" with this information?

What Chamomile Tea said is spot on:

It's best to stay in the one-up position when she's jockeying for power. She's disrespected you for a long time. You don't have to put up with that anymore, and in the event of possible R, it's going to become very important that she begin truly respecting you.

As I've said, she has been lying, sneaking, and re-writing the narrative of your marriage for a year or more. This is her "normal". Your beginner error is that you still assume she is being honest and forthright with you, based on an underlying assumption that restoring the marriage is her bedrock.

My strongest advice is to get in front of that.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:52 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]

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