Return to Forum List

Return to General

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

How often do Narcissists come back for more?

Fantayworld posted 6/27/2019 14:13 PM

I've been doing a lot of reading on SI, other sites and books about NPD. My EXWH admitted to being one and a "proud narcissist" at that - so no need to get a formal diagnosis. He checks ALL of the boxes.

I've read that they almost always show up again at some point...even YEARS later. Maybe just for fun to creep you out or out of boredom or lack of supply.

My NPD EXWH was as ruthless and cruel as the worst of them with his final discard of me; however, his last email said that I was the "most important woman in his life and he would do anything to get me back...we just need some time apart". (nevermind he has a OC with OW and they live together)

I don't know the purpose of him telling me this but he ALWAYS has a reason for what he does. Does he want me to be looking over my shoulder and wondering when he will reach out again? I've blocked him and we've been NC about 3 months now...but he could get in touch with me if he really wanted to. No kids or financial connection.

Just curious if anyone has experience with a NPD EXWS showing up again after a Divorce to see if he can hook you again?

OwningItNow posted 6/27/2019 14:27 PM

How will you feel if he wants back into your life?

AloneAndDrowning posted 6/27/2019 14:38 PM

We have children so it's different. But my ex starts to be nice when he wants something from me. If he doesnt get his way he goes back into abusive mode. But that's what they do, they play nice to get their way. It could be anything. He could just want to see you be nice to him so he can think how amazing he is and what control he has over you. It's really ALL about control. Do not under any circumstances try to just see what he wants, it's never a good outcome. My ex and I speak only via email, and all emails go to my attorney... because I know I will need them at some point.

Phoenix1 posted 6/27/2019 14:43 PM

Mine was wanting nothing more than to reel me back, rugsweep everything, and for us to go back to the way things were, which was perfection from his perspective. So of COURSE he wanted it all back!

He didn't let me out of his focus until he found a new victim, um girlfriend, which took five years after D. She is now his ego supply, and whom he apparently married. I was tempted to send her a "thank you" card! As long as she sticks around, I should be farely safe. If she bails, like last OW did, I have no doubt I will be back in his crosshairs.

OwningItNow posted 6/27/2019 14:50 PM

In my experience, the minute you take a narcissist back, you've already lost their respect. Yet again. And they mistreat you quicker and more thoroughly because they tested your strength and found it nonexistent. It's open season on your soul.

AbandonedGuy posted 6/27/2019 15:01 PM

I'm 99.9% certain mine will never ever ever ever ever reach out to me again. Not even to say hi. I pegged mine as a covert narc, for whatever that's worth, plus there's a semi-decent chance that she's just "mildly" disordered and the infidelity and subsequent outing of it brought out her worst side. Although, IMO, if someone shows you a really terrible side of themselves, it means that person exists inside of them and is accessible.

I used to secretly hope she'd reach out so I could give her the piece of my mind which I spared her during the separation (so that I didn't jeopardize the ease of releasing myself from this woman by kicking the hornet's nest). Now though, I'm glad she's gone for good. I'm glad she's likely the type to just turn into memory dust. She's got AP now anyway, I don't understand these narcs who try to juggle both AP and BS, it's gotta be exhausting work.

crazyblindsided posted 6/27/2019 18:25 PM

the minute you take a narcissist back, you've already lost their respect. Yet again. And they mistreat you quicker and more thoroughly because they tested your strength and found it nonexistent. It's open season on your soul.

That's what happened to me. Silly me I thought he had found remorse after we had separated, but it was only love bombing from a narc. He was saying all the right things even doing them... for a couple of months

pureheartkit posted 6/28/2019 16:07 PM

They are great love bombers so beware.

nightmare01 posted 6/28/2019 16:17 PM

My NPD EXWH was as ruthless and cruel as the worst of them with his final discard of me; however, his last email said that I was the "most important woman in his life and he would do anything to get me back...we just need some time apart".(nevermind he has a OC with OW and they live together)

The quoted text above is as if a hammer said, "you're the best person I ever hit in the head." So, if you enjoy getting hit with a hammer, go ahead and let this man back in your life.

Seriously though, establish NC with this guy. He's toxic and abusive. Don't sacrifice your self worth to be around him. When I say NC, I mean really serious NC. If your finances and lives are still tangled, give him ONE email address (that's dedicated to him) as a point of contact. Change your phone number and move if you can.

Keep crazy at a distance.

[This message edited by nightmare01 at 4:18 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

survrus posted 6/28/2019 16:59 PM


I think the saying "they're always there when they need you" was written for Narcissists.

Fantayworld posted 7/2/2019 11:38 AM

is as if a hammer said, "you're the best person I ever hit in the head." So, if you enjoy getting hit with a hammer, go ahead and let this man back in your life.

^^^This. I'm scared a part of me likes being hit on the head with a hammer...

How will you feel if he wants back into your life?

Good question. I had to give this some serious thought. I struggle with low self-esteem and codependency issues. I'm grappling with this part of me that seems to think I would be happy if he came back for me. It would be an ego boost. "He really does care about me, I am lovable. He loves me more than her!" Trauma bonding is real.

Why?? What is it with my addiction to excitement? I'm so bored with my life that the abusive and toxic life with him almost seems more appealing. The fighting, emotional and verbal abuse, financial problems and running after him for his attention, somehow seems like it was at least more exciting than this loneliness and despair.

I know the OW was always treated much, much better than I ever was. If I became the OW now, I could be treated like a princess.

How is living the best life any kind of revenge? Maybe if I got to sneak into her house and sleep with my EXWH in her house, it would give me some sick satisfaction.

And they mistreat you quicker and more thoroughly because they tested your strength and found it nonexistent. It's open season on your soul.

^^^So True. Self-harming and self-sabotage. Maybe I don't think I deserve anything better. I've never experienced anything different. I never had any other relationship prior to my M to EXWH for 20 years. I don't know any better. Maybe I want to be abused because it's all I know? A healthy emotional partner would probably scare me away. Why are they being so nice to me? HURT ME! I WANT TO BE HURT SO I CAN FEEL SOMETHING! I HAVE A SICK NEED FOR UNREQUITED LOVE AND ABANDONMENT! My parents, relatives, siblings and peers never loved me unconditionally. I sure as hell don't know how to do it for myself. Treat me how I treat myself!

I have no identity. My identity was my EXWH. My life revolved around him. Now my thoughts are consumed by him. I cannot stop the obsessing. A way to hang on? Does he still control me this way?

Honestly, there is another side of me that doesn't believe any of this crap. I know he's an evil monster and never loved me. He's seriously disordered and my love could never change him into a person with a conscience.

From my understanding of NPD's, they often come back for more. I should expect it. How I will deal with it, that is the question.

cancuncrushed posted 7/7/2019 17:09 PM

My XWH NPD discarded me a year ago...it was the most evil, vile way....no words...just disappeared, after 36 years....He relapsed, and found a new AP...knowing we would D anyway.....flaunted her..

He became even more cruel....cutting off funds, cards, money.....utilities....anything....just for sport...he entered back into the home, several times...like a king...all while on a huge bender...

He really believed he made the right choice...for a while, he was very happy, drinking himself silly, and dating...cheating on AP....traveling...hanging with young 20 somethings...hes 60....

Now AP has dumped him....hes ill...hes worse..he lost so much...even his family...when things started to fall apart, he started texting me...giving me tips...and instructions...being nice...I now know that was when he was dumped by AP..texting me was for a very short time...but he considered returning.

since then, he has become very dangerous...we have been to court several times...

he has burned all bridges for me...Im not sure he has burned all bridges in his warped mind....he does things by the moment...his texting was just enough to make me uneasy...I hope its over forever...it is on my part.

They are so unpredictable...so entitled...they have no guilt for the past...so why not? They can be impulsive..and you will always be usable...a tool..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 5:13 PM, July 7th (Sunday)]

Return to Forum List

Return to General

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy