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Can’t remember shit

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nekonamida posted 6/30/2019 13:07 PM

Nice guy, this is exactly why many of us say to hold off on MC until you see consistent remorse from your WS and they have had some IC. You have proof of bold faced lies from her about the A. Not remembering is also a lie. And now the therapist is buying into this and allowing her to gaslight you by extension.

End the MC. It's a waste of time and money. And think hard about where this is going and what you will need to see from her in order to R.

ramius posted 7/1/2019 01:00 AM

Niceguy25,

Your cheater is not alone. There are other WW’s with « memory problems. » Must be the excuse du jour.

What other things might she be conveniently not remembering? Other affairs?

Might be time for a poly.

sisoon posted 7/1/2019 12:18 PM

There are a number of valid reasons that your W might have forgotten events.

If your gut says she's lying, though, I don't see a need for a polygraph. Among other things, if she dissociates and is in the 'wrong' state during the test, she may deny doing something she actually did without 'lying,' because she really doesn't remember.

Your gut is probably a lot more sensitive than a machine with a few electrical leads.

A poly may be useful when you're truly uncertain, but if your gut thinks she's lying, a poly probably won't convince it.

Niceguy25 posted 7/10/2019 19:36 PM

I do for the first time see remorse, embarrassment, regret, fear of losing me, guilt and more honesty than has been present since 1989. There’s just so much to peel back and reveal and that woman who did this is not one I will ever recognize as my wife. I ask often, “Who was that person who was a 180 turn from the woman of faith, commitment, morally strong and chaste I married?” She can not give me an answer to this day.

Butforthegrace posted 7/10/2019 20:51 PM

I do for the first time see remorse, embarrassment, regret, fear of losing me, guilt and more honesty than has been present since 1989.

I realize that posts contain limited information, but nothing -- and I do mean nothing -- in any of what you have posted on SI even remotely smacks of remorse. Remorse has its foundation in empathy. It is manifested mostly by her making an effort to understand how you feel, to see things from your perspective, to feel your pain, and then to take the next step and figure out how to help you heal.

She has done none of those things. Not even a baby step in that direction. All she feel is regret and sadness that it is still a presence in her life, that you have not succeeded in rug-sweeping this.

Iwasyoungonce posted 7/19/2019 13:35 PM

I can believe that WH does not remember exactly how many times COW gave him a BJ.

But not remembering when it went from EA to PA? Come on. You may not know the exact date but you have a pretty good idea.....

I'm preparing myself for additional DDays once we really dig in to the details.

Niceguy25 posted 7/23/2019 20:46 PM

Memory loss is a pretty pathetic excuse when I have a timeline of events and discovery’s from day one to 3 1/2 years later that she refuses to look at because “she doesn’t want to relive this time in her life. “. When she says that to me it just confirms every thing I ever thought may have happened...the BJ’s, swallowing, anal, nasty talk, the size of his dick, the lies he told her to get her in bed, the mysterious phone calls from other women providing me with intimate details he put them up to to break it off with my WS, the drunk couplings, the late night booty calls, etc. it all becomes real when she refuses to even look at it.

Who says a pier has a poor memory, bullshit!

Jorge posted 7/23/2019 21:26 PM

Have you asked her why she withheld sex or had such infrequent sex with you during that period, as you stated in a previous thread?

RocketRaccoon posted 7/24/2019 02:54 AM

NG25,

You are stuck in purgatory because your WW has not 'owned' her A.

She is attempting to rugsweep it, which does not help you heal.

I do for the first time see remorse, embarrassment, regret, fear of losing me, guilt and more honesty than has been present since 1989.

I doubt it is remorse, but regret that she is feeling, as she is not emapthising with what YOU need to heal, but what makes her feel comfortable (rugsweeping). Yes, she fears losing you, but is caught in a conundrum, in that if she tells you the truth, you will leave.

She is 'present' because of the fear that you will leave, not because she wants to help you heal.

There’s just so much to peel back and reveal and that woman who did this is not one I will ever recognize as my wife. I ask often, “Who was that person who was a 180 turn from the woman of faith, commitment, morally strong and chaste I married?” She can not give me an answer to this day.

She cannot give you an answer because she has internal conflict possibly caused by her rugsweeping. She cannot reconcile the grievious betrayal, with her current morals.

The more she rugsweeps, the more confused she will get about who she is. She does not want to own her affair, and is desperately trying pretend that it did not happen.

Did you ever ask her why she kept the card, and not throw it out? Was she still pining for him?

Has she identified all the gifts that were given to her from her AP, all the clothes that she wore for her AP, all the keepsakes from her A? If not, why is that? If she did, what is being done with them?

One more thing, I do hope that you have cut her sister from your lives.... she is not a friend of your M, and if your WW values your M, those ties will have to be severed.

Butforthegrace posted 7/30/2019 19:51 PM

For me it’s taken 30 years but the truth is finally out. I too have multiple pieces of correspondence between them during the 3 1/2 years it lasted. It’s been denied from day one but following therapy this past 6 weeks it come out piece by piece. Was it love? I don’t believe it was but it was Limerence plus. Yes there was sex for a year and emotional bonds for 2 1/2 more. Yes, he lied, used her, and convinced her I was a loser and a failure in our marriage. Yes, she came to her senses but covered it all up for 25 years and just last night revealed our marriage counselor at the time told her to deny, cover it up and never admit or put anything in writing. She said to me last night “who talks about an adulteress affair to their husbands?” To which I replied “those who wish to save their marriages after fucking and loving someone outside their marriage. “. There were lots of tears and remorse, Blame shifting and rug sweeping, but in the end, I had my answers. Now, back to working on saving this mess.

I'm importing your post from another person's thread for continuity here. My question is who is "back to work"? It should be her. Why are you bearing that cross?

Niceguy25 posted 7/30/2019 22:14 PM

Thanks “ But for the grace”. It’s going to take both of us to make it his marriage whole again, but yes, the bulk of the work is in her court. I did ask her that now that the affair is out in the open and the 30 year cover up has been exposed, does this mean we now have an “Open Marriage” so that I can enjoy the attention and benefits she provided to him? That set off a fire storm and the question from her “is that what you want?“. I replied, “Not at this time but I need to know my options.” She was not happy and a I think realized for the first time what that might mean to her. I do not plan to be a Madhatter but I did want to put that option for me in perspective for her.

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 10:42 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

Niceguy25 posted 7/31/2019 01:14 AM

Re. Rocket Racoons question about my WS’s sister. She has worse amnesia than my WS and was a hopeless alcoholic at the time. I confronted her 3 years ago and she “didn’t know who he was?” I have limited contact with her and my wife will never see her without me present in the future. I trusted them both and was betrayed by them both over the same SOB Serial cheater.

RocketRaccoon posted 7/31/2019 05:25 AM

I have limited contact with her and my wife will never see her without me present in the future. I trusted them both and was betrayed by them both over the same SOB Serial cheater.

Where is the 'thumbs up' emoticon?

I would think a 100% NC with the toxic S-i-L would be preferred for a faster healing process.

Never keep toxic elements in your life.

As to my query about gifts/clothes/momentoes from her AP. What has been doen with them?

Butforthegrace posted 7/31/2019 07:55 AM

I dont think she actually can't remember. I think she is clinging stubbornly to the therapy advice she got back in the day, which was to lock it up and never reveal anything.

I think to work through it she needs to revisit that period. She owes it to you to let you into her head. Why. Why did she do it? Why this man? Why the birthday card years later.

99lawdog99 posted 7/31/2019 08:07 AM

NG, you are not alone. my wife can remember every time I may have glanced at another girl or said something or did something she didn't like and tell me the time and day it happened, but whenever I ask her for details of here affair, she can't remember anything. it's par for the course and to tell you the truth, you are much better off just forgetting about it and accept it. It gets to the point where you just don't care anymore. My life is too short and important anymore to worry about other people. SHe did this to me.

Cooley2here posted 7/31/2019 08:16 AM

I am so sorry for your pain. Instead of enjoying the life you worked hard for you are dealing with this awful pain.

You wonder how she could do this. I think I can tell you why:

He was 15 years older.
He was in uniform( that really is a thing)
He was in charge of men and it showed.

Whatsa girl to do when a big, bad colonel thinks she’s sexy, she asks.

I can tell you that right now her major fear is losing a lifestyle.

If this seems harsh it is. That was no small blip in your marriage. It was a relationship. Hers based on hero worship and his based on a lot of free sex.

I hope you can find some relief soon. It can’t be good for you to live like this.


steadychevy posted 7/31/2019 08:26 AM

My WW can remember every hurt and slight, real and imagined, I ever caused her. ("Every" is obviously an exaggeration.) This goes back to before we married. She did the IDK and ICR for so much of the period between DDays and separation. I would ask her to think about it (the things she didn't and couldn't remember) and see if she could remember and come back to me about it. Never happened (no exaggeration).

Later I'd ask the same question to which there was an IDK or ICR. I'd ask if she thought about it and she would admit she never. No effort at all = just get over it, steady, and we can get on with life. What was it that Yoda said about "try"?

All the effort was in trying NOT to remember than in trying to.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 8:27 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 7/31/2019 08:41 AM

By the way I can't believe it was your MC who advised her to bury this, rug-sweep it, hide it, and lie, lie, lie. What a piece of shit. Do you still have contact info for that person? You ought to give him/her a piece of your mind, and file a complaint with whatever state licensing board. The MC advised one spouse to lie to the other spouse, presenting that as sound marriage advice. The truth would have enabled you two to confront the issue in real time. Instead, you ended up with 30 years of gnawing doubt, capped by the shitstorm you have now. In the meantime, the discovery of the birthday card suggesting she was still pining for the AP.


[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:56 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

landclark posted 7/31/2019 08:49 AM

Similar situation. My WH can remember every hiking trip from when he was a kid, but can’t remember all the women he has cyberscrewed? Yeah right. Convenient memory loss.

Mene posted 7/31/2019 13:23 PM

They all have selective amnesia.

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